Where the Hell Are We Now!
by Kaori
Summary: Three friends are taken captive by mistake and, after an accident, now find themselves in a completely different reality. Follow them on their adventures as they try not to get killed.
1. Chapter 1

Errors have been fixed and some new things have been added. Reading Wild Cards is not a requirement but it's a damn good book series if you like superheroes or enjoyed The Incredibles.

Comprehensive Disclaimer: Naruto and Wild Cards are copyrighted by companies and individuals that have more money than I do and wouldn't get much out of suing me since I'm not writing this for money anyway. I am merely borrowing concepts and characters to entertain myself and others.

Key: "English"  
+Japanese+

Where the Hell are We Now! (working title)  
By Kaori

At first we thought that aliens abducted us and we'd never see our home planet again; the vehicle we were travelling in was that high tech. And before you get on my case, yes aliens exist. We got over that little shocker when one showed up to save us in 1946 from a virus his people created (he failed but that's history and this ain't a lecture).

Anyway we noticed that the panels we were looking at had English lettering on it and that made things even scarier because we had been on vacation in Nevada near Groom Lake and everybody and their grandmother knows what's near Groom Lake.

We freaked out. "Oh my God we accidentally wandered into Area 51 and now they're gonna hold us prisoner and make us wear crappy clothes and we'll never see home again!" Yeah, I know, weird thought process but when you're in a state of hysteria you tend to have really stupid thoughts. Somehow being kidnapped by the U.S. government is worse than being abducted by aliens. Let me know if that ever makes sense.

The only person in our little group who wasn't panicking was snoring rather loudly; and drooling on my shoulder too, Gah! Disgusting! And I think now would be a good time to introduce us.

My name is Kertorra Lewis, and between my gibbering I was wishing whoever had taken us prisoner hadn't put my manacles on so tight because my skin was starting to turn funny colours for lack of proper circulation.

On my right (and drooling on my shoulder, ick), was Gina McCartney. If she had been awake she would've been freaking out too and those pale hazel eyes of hers would've been popping out of her head (ooh, fun mental pictures). I envied her unconsciousness and wondered why our hysterics hadn't woken her up.

Finally, on my left and just as scared as I was, was Bradley Davis. Quite frankly if I wasn't terrified as well I'd have been laughing at him. He has no idea how ridiculous he looked. Did he know his ears wiggled when he was scared? Why hadn't I noticed that before? Note to self: tease him later and think of ways to scare the bejeezus out of him on a daily basis.

Our other friends, who are fortunate enough not to be here, jokingly call us the KGB. In junior high all three of us were prefects and we were constantly on patrol; the fact that our initials fit the military acronym didn't help matters. We were an odd group: the tomboy techie (c'est moi), the bubbly brunette (Gina; she may be prettier but I'm taller haha), and the macho muscle (Bradley); the brains, the beauty, and the brawn if you will. Our personalities aren't all that stereotypical but for the sake of brevity I won't elaborate.

But back to the abduction thing.

Bradley and I had just started to calm down when someone came into our little holding area that almost sent us panicking again. A Joker. And from the looks of him, a crazy one at that. Great…

He was tall; easily eight feet. I remember thinking "Well, that explained the size of the doors." His height, at the time I wasn't completely sure it was a he since his face had this melting quality that was quite sickening (and the horn on his head wasn't helping the image either), wasn't what was so frightening. The dude was armed to the teeth with knives. Regular throwing knives, curved knives, knives that had hooks on the end, and a really scary one that was jagged up to a point and then twisted like a corkscrew. Gina chose that moment to wake up and, predictably, she screamed causing the newcomer to wince from the pitch and volume. Damn but that girl has a set of lungs… too bad she can't sing worth a crap.

"Shut up!" he yelled (erasing all doubts about his gender). Gina's mouth clicked shut but she still had that deer-in-headlights look we were all sporting. "Which one of you is Tara St.Cyr?" Shock turned to utter confusion. "Don't play stupid with me! If you will not tell me I'll just find out myself." He took out one of the throwing knives and again we were scared. Roughly he grabbed me by my forearm and slashed the palm of my hand, drawing blood.

"Argh! Motherfucker that hurt!" I screamed.

"Shut up or I'll kill you." I muttered something uncomplimentary about his parents that nice young ladies aren't supposed to say (thank goodness I never characterized myself as being a lady or nice). "Pray that you're the one we are looking for because I will take great pleasure in hurting you if you aren't." Me and my big mouth. He took out what I recognized as a DNA scanner and dripped the blood onto it. A two second pause and he leered at me. "Ah, such a pity. God must hate you." He licked the knife and I wished I had some horrible disease he could contract (the Wild Card virus didn't count especially since he already had that and he was worse off than me for it). "Although, seeing as you're a Deuce I won't torture you. I might get a good price for you on the pet markets. There are a lot of rich bastards that would pay through the nose for an exotic pet like you."

"Don't you touch her!" snarled Bradley. I kicked him to shut him up but to no avail as the Joker flicked one of his knives at him, slicing Bradley's cheek. Ooh, sometimes I wish I were an Ace so I could get back at bastards like this guy. True, compared to Norms like my little brother I was incredible, but Aces… well, nobody messed with you if you were an Ace.

"If you want I could torture you instead..." Bradley growled at that and I kicked him again. He pouted but complied with my silent request not to make things any worse. Our captor's gaze then turned to Gina who cringed and tried to hide behind me. "Your turn little mouse."

The DNA scan turned up negative once more and, since it was obvious that Bradley wasn't this Tara girl our captor was very angry; he stomped out to tell off whomever else was onboard after knocking the three of us out.

I don't know how long we were out for but when I woke up again we were being tossed around something terrible. Klaxons were going off like crazy and the emergency lights were flashing. Gina wondered if we were being rescued or attacked. I felt a massive headache coming on. What I wouldn't give for a thermoblaster and my hoverboard. Unfortunately the former was completely out of the question and the latter was back at our hotel.

"Hell and damnation what a lousy vacation this is turning out to be!" I screamed. Bradley and Gina didn't get to reply as a hit struck the port side and everything went white. Which brings us up to now.

When I came to I found myself looking at someone's ass. It was a nice ass but one can only look at ass for so long before they get bored. It had been ten minutes and I was tired of looking at it without being able to do anything. So I pinched it.

Sauske let out a yelp and almost dropped the now conscious girl he had been carrying; he dropped her once he stopped running. This caused Kakashi and Naruto to also stop. Sakura had stopped when she saw what the girl was about to do and was fuming behind Sasuke. The girl looked up at them sheepishly.

"Eheh...Er…hi there?" A pair of glares, an amused but wary eye, and a half-glare half confused expression greeted her.

How dare you molest Sasuke-kun+ screamed Sakura. The other girl frowned.

"What did you just say?" Now it was Sakura's turn to be confused and she echoed the question except in Japanese. The girl's face fell as she realized that Sakura didn't understand.

Sensei I don't think she speaks our language.+ Sasuke observed, while Sakura ranted on about how that better not have been an insult and made threats she was never going to carry out anyway.

That makes things more difficult.+ Kakashi said. +However, maybe we can make things a bit less disconcerting for our friend here.+ He walked over to the girl who flinched and then relaxed when she realized Kakashi wasn't going to hurt her. He pointed to himself and said+Kakashi.+ Then he pointed at each of the gennins. +Sasuke, Sakura, Naruto.+ The girl made a face and then pointed to herself.

"Kotorra."

Well now, what will Kakashi-tachi do with her? Where are Gina and Bradley? And what about the language barrier? At least one of these questions will be answered next chapter! So feed the authoress' ego! Review!


	2. Chapter 2

Key: "English"  
-Japanese -

Where the Hell are We Now! (working title)  
By Kaori

Sarutobi had just finished the fourth stack of reports when one of the ANBU stationed outside the door informed him that Kakashi and his students were here to see him and that the jounin had said it was important. Worried that something may have happened he told them to show Team 7 in immediately. He was relieved to see that they all appeared unharmed, but was puzzled at the presence of the dark-haired girl that was with them.

Her hair was cut so that it just brushed her shoulders; her bangs parted in the middle of her forehead and framed her oval-shaped face. Brown eyes darted around the room both curious and apprehensive. She was actually quite ordinary-looking but he could see she was a foreigner; and apparently from pretty far away as he couldn't read what was written on her black t-shirt. The shirt was black with a skull and crossbones motif on the front and was tucked into her baggy khakis.

- And who is this, Kakash? - asked Sarutobi.

- We found her unconscious in the forest while we were patrolling, Hokage-sama. -Kakashi replied. - Apparently, she doesn't speak our language and unfortunately we don't understand hers. So far the only thing we've been able to determine is that her name is Kotorra.-

- Ha! Speak for yourself Kakashi-sensei I understand her just fine! -Naruto said proudly.

- Oh please, Naruto.- scoffed Sakura. - How would you know what she's saying? And furthermore, if you really could understand her why didn't you say anything in the first place? -

Kakashi and the Hokage shared significant looks but didn't say anything as Naruto fidgeted. He wasn't really certain how he was understanding their new friend just that he was. He decided to test something out.

"Hey, you're name's Kotorra, right?" he asked. Kotorra (and Sakura) jumped in surprise.

"Holy shit! You speak English?"

"Is that what this is?" blinked Naruto.

"That's right. Naruto was it?"

"Yep! Uzumaki Naruto, future Hokage at your service!"

"Kotorra Lewis, or I suppose it would be Lewis Kotorra here. By the way, what's a Hokage?"

- Hey! What are you saying! -Sakura was annoyed that Naruto actually could understand Kotorra and baffled that he could also speak the language.

- Kotorra was just asking me what a Hokage is, Sakura-chan. -said Naruto.

- Hmph, it figures the dobe can speak gibberish. -Sasuke snorted.

- The language is called English, Sasuke-teme! -

- Whatever. -

- How do you know that anyway? -demanded Sakura.

- Umm…- Naruto looked nervously at the Hokage.

- Naruto's been developing a translation jutsu. -Sarutobi lied; he wasn't about to tell them that he suspected the kyuubi had something to do with it; that would lead to explaining things best left alone for the time being. - Unfortunately he hasn't been able to figure out how to get it to work on other people yet. Now, since Naruto can act as interpreter we can find out about Kotorra here. -

- What do you want to know, Old Man? -grinned Naruto. Sakura smacked him upside the head.

- Show respect for the Hokage! -

- Sakura-chaaan that hurt! -

- Good.-

Sarutobi interrupted the bickering with a cough and dictated to Naruto what to ask Kotorra and then translate the responses.

Kotorra explained that she had been on vacation with two of her friends when they were kidnapped. They had no idea where they were being taken but there was an accident or they were attacked, there was no way for her to be sure, and the next thing she knew she was slung over Sasuke's shoulder with a nice view of his posterior. Naturally Naruto edited that last part. She then asked where she was and if anyone had seen her two friends.

Before anyone could answer, the ANBU were back claiming that they had captured two demons. The Hokage and Team 7 eyed Kotorra quizzically.

"Reh? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Oh dear, just when things were looking up. I'm not going to pretend that you don't know who the "demons" are, but since you don't know why they're being called demons there is a little suspense, ne? Read, Review, and make some noise too!


	3. Chapter 3

Note: I've changed the spelling of Kotorra's name from chapter one because I didn't like how it looked (shrug). I'm attributing that to woman's prerogative.

Key: "English"  
- Japanese -

Where the Hell are We Now! (working title)  
By Kaori

Kotorra didn't have to wait long, for the answer to her question was shoved (bound in thick ropes) into the room.

The female was about Kotorra's age. Oak brown hair came down past her shoulder blades in a ponytail and several strands had gotten loose from their confinement, getting into her light hazel eyes. She looked around and then looked relieved. "Kotorra!" she gasped. "Look, Bradley! Koto's here!"

"Hnn?" the boy half-said half whined. His black ears (like a terrier's) perked up a little when he saw his friend; the matching tail wagged. "Kotorra! You're okay!" He looked younger than the other two. His skin was mostly a dark brown color but if you looked closely there were mottled black spots, and his hair was black. If it weren't for the fact that they moved, you wouldn't notice the dog ears; the tail was another matter entirely.

"What the hell did you guys do for them to tie you up?" Kotorra demanded. "Hey, Naruto, why are my friends tied up?"

"They're you're friends?" Naruto asked. "The ANBU think they're demons."

"Demons? They tied them up because they think they're demons? I thought that sort of thinking went out with the Dark Ages!"

"The what?"

-Excuse me,- interrupted Kakashi. –A translation would be nice.-

-Kotorra says that those two there are her friends.- Naruto replied causing the ANBU to stiffen and stare at Kotorra. –She's also wants to know why everyone thinks they're demons.-

The Hokage raised an eyebrow. –Well?- he turned to the ANBU for an explanation.

Rewind, an hour and twenty minutes ago…

"Damn, my ears are ringing." Moaned Bradley as he tried to stand up. Unfortunately something heavy was draped over his back. He sniffed and then sighed in annoyance. "Gina, get off of me you cow."

"Who are you calling a cow, mutt?" muttered Gina. "Besides, I'm comfortable."

"Yeah, but I'm not. You're as heavy as a sack of bricks. Now get off I think I'm lying on a rock too." He stiffened suddenly. "Somebody else is out there…"

"Eh? Really?"

-Who's there?- a voice demanded.

"The nose knows." Sighed Bradley when four people wearing masks dropped out of the trees. "Damn it, I hate when I'm right."

- A demon! – hissed one of the masked ones when he spotted Bradley.

"I'm sensing some hostility here."

"Should we run?" Gina hissed, light hazel eyes darting left and right looking for a way out.

"Definitely."

Naturally their attempt at escape failed as they had no idea they who they were dealing with; a squad of highly trained ninjas.

- They're trying to escape. -

- Capture them and take them to the Hokage. -

"Brad, I'm not liking this…" murmured Gina, as they stood back to back. "Hey!" she yelped when one of the masked men grabbed her hands. She pulled back sharply and one of the gloves she was wearing slipped off. The man made to grab her hand again; Gina looked horrified. "Oh crap! Wait don't…" she protested, but too late he was turned into a nice granite statue. "Dammit!"

-Did you see that! She turned Yuichi to stone! She's a demon too! –

"All right I have no idea who these guys are, but I'm still too tired to fight." Bradley growled. "But I ain't too tired to run." The last word was more of a growl as he began to change shape. Where a once stood a young man with some physical traits of a canine, stood a pony-sized wolf. "Hop on G, we're out of here!" Gina didn't have to be asked twice and she leapt onto Bradley's back after retrieving her glove.

"Run like the wind!"

Bradley was fast but their pursuers were faster (due to Gina riding on his back) and not knowing the terrain wasn't helping maters. After being chased to a cliff with nowhere to go but straight down into a ravine, they surrendered. They tied them both up but handled Gina a lot more carefully for fear of being "stoned."

Back to the present, the Hokage was outwardly calm. Although internally his mind was going a mile a minute with questions. Where did they come from? Did they possess some kind of Kekkei Genkai or were they really demons? Was the story Kotorra told them true? Were they lost or were they sent here by enemies?

Sasuke was slightly intrigued. On the one hand, these people could be demons but on the other they had some rather interesting abilities. Were they some kind of jutsu? Could he learn to change shape and turn people into stone? And what of Kotorra? If those two had powers what could she do?

Naruto and the newcomers were having their own conversation much to Sakura's chagrin.

"Wow, it's been a while since you stoned somebody." Kotorra teased.

"It's not like I meant to do it!" wailed Gina. "If he hadn't pulled my gloves off it never would have happened. Besides, as long as nobody breaks him he should be back to normal in a week."

"Are you sure? Last time you stoned somebody they didn't change back until you touched them again."

"That's because I meant to do it that time."

"I kind of figured you weren't demons." Naruto nodded as Bradley had just finished reassuring Naruto that they were not, nor had they ever had been, demons. "Although you" he pointed at Bradley. "could probably pass for a half-demon. Either that or a mutant Inuzuka…"

"A what now?" blinked Bradley.

"They're a ninja clan here in Konoha. They specialize in using ninken."

"Woah, woah. Back up. Konoha? Ninja clans? Where the hell are we?"

"Fire Country." Stated Naruto like it should be obvious. "You're in Konohagakure no Sato in Fire Country." Bradley, Kotorra, and Gina's eyes widened comically.

"Houston, we have a problem." Murmured Gina.

"Who or what is Houston?" asked Naruto. Now they were really freaked.

"It's in the United States of America."

"United States?"

"Umm, yeah." Bradley said slowly. "You know… the country that's east of Japan. This is Japan, isn't it? I mean, you guys speak Japanese and all…" Naruto was starting to look worried too.

"No, I already said this is Fire Country."

-Naruto, what's going on?- Kakashi asked. – Why do they look so scared all of a sudden?-

-Umm… I'm not really sure. Hokage-sama, have you ever heard of a place called the United States of America?-

- No, Naruto, I can't say I have. Why do you ask?- the Hokage leaned forward.

- They say that's where they were before they were kidnapped and woke up in the woods. – The Konoha ninjas looked at each other.

- This is more serious than I thought. - he looked gravely at the bewildered teenagers. – Lock them up in the dungeon for now but under no circumstances are they to be harmed. -

- WHAT! – Naruto was not pleased by this news. – But why? What did they do! I mean sure, Gina turned that one guy to stone but it was an accident! -

-Calm down dobe. – muttered Sasuke.

- Naruto, - Kakashi put a hand on his shoulder. – it's not what they did it's just a precaution. If you tell them that I'm sure they'll understand. -

- I hope so 'cause I sure don't… - he muttered. "Umm, bad news guys, the Old Man wants to lock you up."

"It's because I stoned that guy, isn't it?" groaned Gina. "But it was an accident! I can't control what happens when people yank my gloves off!"

"Relax Gina." Bradley said. "I mean, I'm not sensing any hostile intentions or anything, maybe it's just a precaution."

"Brad's right." Agreed Kotorra. "Look at it from their point of view for a moment. For all they know we're enemy spies or something."

"You two are awfully calm about this." Gina glared at them.

"Oh come on, sitting in jail can't be any worse than detention used to be. Heck, it's probably better since they have to feed us and we don't have to watch a bunch of whiny slackers and ne'er-do-wells."

"Since when do you say 'ne'er-do-wells'?"

"So, you guys are okay with all of this?" Naruto asked, uncertain.

"Huh? Oh, yeah we're cool as long as they don't decide to execute us or anything." Shrugged Bradley. "Besides, compared to the last couple of hours, this isn't so bad."

"Yeah, don't worry about us Naruto."

"Traitors!" scowled Gina.

I'm not overly fond of this chapter but, well… I refuse to rewrite it simply for that. After all, Shakespeare hated most of his best work too. Anyway, next chapter involves a lot of sitting in jail, and maybe a revelation or two.


	4. Chapter 4

Key: "English"  
- Japanese -

Where the Hell are We Now! (working title)  
By Kaori

- Damn it! Shut up in there! – the guard yelled. The three amigos had been singing for the past four hours and it was really starting to get on his nerves; especially since one of them would always be off key no matter which song they were singing. This time around the girl with the gloves was off pitch. The guard then remembered that none of them could understand a word he was saying and sighed heavily. Only one more hour of this and his relief would come.

"I'm starting to get hoarse." Muttered Bradley.

"We have been singing for a while." Kotorra admitted. "And I'm thirsty! Where's our prison chow dammit!"

"Too bad that Naruto kid's not here, he could tell the guard it's way past our feeding time."

"I have half a candy bar in my pocket that we could split." Gina said. "At least we'll have something in our stomachs."

"Hey, yanno, I didn't even bother to check my pockets since we came here." Kotorra busied herself inspecting her khakis. "Let's see…safety pin, that wireless earpiece I got for my cell phone but never used, a bit of wire I picked up…"

"You're always picking up wires." Gina pointed out. "One of these days you're going to pick up a live one. " Kotorra ignored her and continued to rummage in her numerous pockets.

"…a couple of bobby pins, that choker my cousin bought me but I never wear, my ID card, fifty cents, and a picture of us at Astro World."

"Pack rat." Chorused Bradley and Gina.

"You're just jealous." She stared at the stuff in her hand. "Hmmm… if I…" she trailed off as her hands glowed slightly purple and she started taking the earpiece apart.

"Uh oh, there she goes…" sighed Bradley. "Oh well, this should prove interesting." Gina nodded in agreement and they both observed their friend.

With the Konoha Council, a debate had been going on the whole time the trio had been incarcerated, and they were getting nowhere.

On one side, half of the elders were in favor of killing the three off outright, especially after hearing the ANBU's account. The less virulent side were more in favor of keeping them locked up indefinitely or until another village stepped up to claim them. The Hokage didn't agree with the former at all and the latter was more appealing but not by much since he was positive that the three weren't ninjas so nobody would be coming for them. It was the head of the Akimichi clan that came up with a solution that satisfied everyone: put them in the custody of the clans until a better solution presented itself.

Team 7 sans Kakashi were waiting at their usual training grounds for Kakashi to come back with any news. They had gone down to the prison and visit Kotorra and the others earlier but the guards wouldn't let them in muttering about the demon fox coming to help his kin escape. This got some odd looks from Sakura and Sasuke while Naruto just got angry and yelled abuse until his teammates dragged him away.

- I still don't see why we weren't allowed to visit them. – growled Naruto. – I mean they haven't even been put in the high security area just a regular holding cell. -

- Just be quiet Naruto, you're whining is giving me a headache and you're annoying Sasuke-kun! – Sakura yelled.

- But, Sakura-chaaan… -

Sasuke was, amazingly, oblivious to all of this. His mind was still on how he could get those newcomers to teach him what they knew; provided, of course, if it could be taught at all. Otherwise he had no use for them and could put them out of his mind completely.

Bradley was getting annoyed with the quietness in the cell as Kotorra feverishly worked on whatever it was she was up to so he decided to make conversation.

"So, what do you think of those guys?" he asked Gina.

"Which? The ones that nabbed us or the ones in that tower?"

"The second ones."

"Well…the gray-haired guy with the lopsided headband"

"Kakashi." Kotorra deadpanned. Not looking up from her tinkering.

"…looks like a lazy bum to me. The girl with the pink hair"

"Sakura."

"looks like a total cheerleader, Naruto kind of reminds me of that guy from that anime you used to watch…What was his… oh yeah, Chichiri. Same fox-face, I swear. And that dark haired kid"

"Sasuke."

"…looks like a B.U.B to me."

"A what?" blinked Bradley

"Broody Uncommunicative Bastard."

"Ah."

"I shall call him… Asshat." Gina said solemnly. Bradley cracked up and Kotorra paused.

"Hmm…Asshat…Asshat…" she tried the nickname out a couple more times. "Yes, I like it. From now on, he is Asshat." And she went back to whatever it was she had been doing.

"Why…heheh…are you even bothering to nickname him?" laughed Bradley.

"Because I can. I mean, did you even notice the way he stands like he owns the world and everyone else is beneath him? I suspect Prickery! And furthermore, I have a feeling that…what was her name?"

"Sakura?"

"Yeah her. She is obviously a practitioner of Bitchcraft!" Bradley roared with laughter at that. "I dub her…The Evil!" the last two words were stage whispered.

"And what of Naruto and Kakashi?" Kotorra asked absently. "Have you got nicknames for them too?"

"Kakashi is El Diablo and Naruto is Fox Face until I find something better to call them."

"Lame. Why not just call everyone by their names… except Sasuke. I find Asshat far too fitting for him somehow." Bradley snickered. Gina was about to retort when she noticed Kotorra was examining her handiwork.

"Finished your McGuyver-ness?"

Kotorra had done a lot of messing around with the earpiece using the bobby pins and the bit of wire, and was now attaching it to her ear. She winced for a second before grinning at her two companions.

"Yep. Now I just need to test it to see if it works." She stood up and walked over to the bars. – Oi! Guard-type person! –

- What do you want? – the guard grumbled

- Some food would be nice. -

- I'll see what I can… - he paused. – Wait a minute, I can understand you! – and he ran off to inform somebody.

"Well it works!" Kotorra smiled. "I think I shall call it the Babel Fish Wired!"

"That's great and all, but what does it do?" blinked Gina. Bradley whacked her upside the head.

"Didn't you read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? It lets you speak and understand languages."

"Cool, do we each get one?"

"As soon as I can get my hands on some materials, you bet."

So yeah, I pay slight homage to two of my favorite things: Tenjho Tenge and Hitchhiker's Guide. Huzzah! Oh yeah, and once again I'm picking on Sasuke. I can't help it, it's like some sort of weird reflex…


	5. Chapter 5

One reference to Aqua Teen Hunger Force in this chapter.

Key: "English"  
- Japanese -

Where the Hell are We Now! (working title)  
By Kaori

Once again the trio found themselves in the Hokage's office with Team 7, Kakashi, and the Hokage himself. The difference this time was that Kotorra had miraculously gained the ability to speak their language; at least that's what it seemed to everyone else.

-Care to explain that?- Sarutobi prompted.

-It's all quite simple really. You've already heard how, besides his odd appearance and heightened senses, Bradley there can change into canines and Gina turns anything she touches with her bare hands to stone, correct?- Kotorra started. The ninjas nodded in affirmation. – I, for lack of a better explanation, can build things. – She touched her ear. – I had some stuff in my pocket and I used it to make this translator gizmo.-

- So, a lot of people build things.- snorted Sasuke, already beginning to dismiss Kotorra as useless. Kotorra grinned somewhat mischievously.

- Not the way I do. Whatever I build can't be replicated by another person.-

-Why is that?- Kakashi asked.

- Because, according to all laws of physics, chemistry, mathematics, and common sense the things I build _shouldn't_ work but they do. Anybody else who takes apart my stuff and tries to replicate it finds that it doesn't work at all or it blows up in their face. That's my teke power. – Sasuke perked up.

-Teke? Is that your word for chakra?-

-I don't know, what's chakra?- Sakura immediately supplied the definition and Kotorra shook her head. – No that's not quite right. –

- Then it's a Kekkei Genkai.- supplied the Hokage, who clarified the term for her when Kotorra asked.

-No, back home there are a good number of people who have the same power but none of us are related at all. –

-Then what, - Naruto was about to tear his hair out in frustration. – is teke?-

- Well to explain that I'd need to explain about Takis-A. – sighed Kotorra. She didn't think she'd have to explain any of this but by now it was becoming more and more obvious that she and her friends were not in their own world. Her current theory was they were on another planet. At the thought, she wrinkled her nose. It may be a good idea of leaving out all the parts involving extraterrestrials.

- That sounds like some kind of disease. – Sakura wrinkled her nose.

-That's because it is; a virus to be precise. –

-WHAT!-

- Relax, it's highly unlikely you'll contract it from us. – Her explanation went something like this:

Takis-A is a virus that has such random effects that it is also known as the Wild Card Virus (she omitted the part as to how the virus came into existence; to quote Master Shake "Aliens did it"). Ninety percent of the people who come into contact with it die which is termed "drawing the Black Queen". The other ten percent have their genetic codes re-written. Nine percent of those that don't die mutate into deformed creatures and are called Jokers. One percent gain superpowers and are called Aces. There's also a sub-category of Aces called Deuces whose powers are mostly useless, ridiculous, or not nearly spectacular enough to warrant them being called Aces. In rare cases, a Deuce becomes an Ace simply by training their power.

- Bradley and Gina are Jokers. I'm a Deuce. – shrugged Kotorra.

- Huh, but Gina doesn't look deformed at all. – blinked Sakura. Bradley grinned wickedly at Kotorra who nodded. Quickly he grabbed Gina by the shoulders and spun her around so her back was visible to all and Kotorra yanked up her shirt.

"Hey!" Gina protested. In stark contrast to her slightly tanned skin, a row of gray pebbles (five across) trailed down her spine and ended at the small of her back.

Once everyone got a good look, Gina was released.

- As you can see, the deformity isn't always extreme. – said Kotorra. – The results of the virus are utterly random. -

- Interesting. – mused the Hokage. – And you say we can't contract the virus from any of you? -

- No. About fifty years ago the virus reached the point where it was encoded in everyone's DNA. Now, everyone is born with it but it stays dormant unless something triggers it. Some people never trigger the virus which is probably a good thing considering the high mortality rate.-

- And teke? – Kakashi prompted. Kotorra thought about it for a moment before answering.

- It's, kind of like chakra except it's all mental energy. Our abilities share a direct link to our will but the more you consciously use it the more tired you become. Take Gina for example. Because of the way her body has been altered she has to keep her hands covered with those special gloves in order to keep from stoning anyone by accident. However, anybody turned to stone by accident returns to normal in a week provided they aren't smashed to pieces first. Whereas, if she does it on purpose they stay petrified until she touches them again to reverse the process. But, doing it on purpose is mentally draining and she'd have to rest. -

- What about the rest of you? – asked Sarutobi.

- Well, Bradley's senses don't use any teke because of the physical changes his body has gone through, but the shapeshifting takes a lot out of him and he can only do it twice before he has to rest. Oh yeah, and he can talk to animals too. -

Sarutobi nodded at this. Bradley could easily be placed with the Inuzuka clan. –And what about you? -

- I use up teke depending on the size or number of objects I'm creating, but if it's something I've made before it doesn't seem to use as much teke as it did the first time. My power literally alters and breaks the natural laws for my purposes but I can only use my power to make things. – she shrugged. – I was classified as a Deuce because most people with the same ability can build anything that pops up into their heads. I actually have to have a need for it in order to build it. -

"Hey, ask the guy in the funny hat what's going to happen to us now!" Gina piped up. "And when do we get to eat? I'm hungry dammit!"

"It's the Hokage. Good grief, I'm supposed to be the one with no social grace, why are you acting like a drunk diplomat?" Kotorra rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Sarutobi. - Gina would like to know what's to become of us. – The Hokage leaned back in his chair.

- Each of you will be placed with a shinobi family until further notice and you will not be permitted to leave the village unless accompanied by a ninja. Do you find these terms acceptable? -

-Hmm… I noticed some of your ninjas had headsets. If I could have three of those making another pair of translators wouldn't be a problem. If you can accept that then we have ourselves a deal. – She tried to hide it but she was scared. Essentially they would be separated in a strange place at the mercy of people none of them really knew anything about. However, she was a bit relieved that the Hokage didn't questioned her as to why she needed a third headset and accepted her conditions.

If what she suspected was true and they really were on a different planet, she could use the headset to create a stellar communicator and attempt to contact the Network. Who knows, if she was successful this could mean a great bonus for her.

-Good.- the Hokage snapped her from her thoughts. –Kakashi, while we decide where everyone is going to be placed, why don't you and you're students give our guests a tour of Konoha?-

-Yes, Hokage-sama.- bowed Kakashi.

Another chapter down along with some background info that ought to clarify chapter one a bit. Now let's see how Konoha fares with three Wild Cards in their midst.


	6. Chapter 6

Quiet down, the fic's starting.

Where the Hell are We Now! (working title)  
By Kaori

Gina and Bradley were very relieved when they received their translators from Kotorra; although she could have warned them that there would be somewhat painful when the device attached itself to the parts of the brain responsible for hearing and speech via the ear canal. Now they were sitting in a restaurant getting strange looks from the patrons.

"You're going to choke if you keep eating at that rate." Kakashi said mildly, not looking up from his book. He giggled as he came across a particularly juicy passage, causing Sakura and Naruto to make sour faces.

"But it's so delish!" mumbled Gina and then proceeded to choke on her tempura shrimp. Bradley rolled his eyes and smacked her on the back. "Ah, thank you." She returned to wolfing down her food.

Kotorra, who was displaying significantly more table manners at the moment, glanced at Kakashi. "It's impolite to read anything but the menu at a restaurant, Hatake-san."

"Really?" the jounin replied.

"What _are_ you reading anyway?" Gina asked. The gennin's eyes widened and they motioned for her to quit while she was ahead. "It can't be that interesting can it?" Kakashi's visible eye got so big and round Gina was afraid it would pop out of his head.

"How can you say that? The Icha Icha series is a masterpiece! A true work of literary genius! It's…"

"Absolute and complete smut." Kotorra said causing all eyes to fall on her. She was calmly flipping through the pages. "I swear, what is it with males and their obsession with porn?"

"How… _when_ did you get that?" stammered Sakura. As of yet, the only other person who was able to swipe Kakashi's precious books from him were Kurenai and Anko. Kotorra wasn't even a ninja.

"Grabbed it while he was shell shocked." She said as she turned another page. "This stuff is pretty tame compared to that tentacle porn my brother likes." Sakura twitched.

"Tentacle porn?"

"You're better off not knowing, trust me. Here's your filth, Hatake." Kotorra casually tossed Kakashi his book. He hugged it to his chest and stroked the cover.

"Don't worry, she didn't mean it my sweet. You are the best no matter what anyone else says."

"Okay, that's disturbing." Deadpanned Gina.

"Very." Bradley agreed.

"If you think that's scary wait until you meet Lee and Gai-sensei." Sakura said.

"Oh come on, they're not that bad." Naruto smiled.

"Naruto, even kyuubi would have been mortified by those two."

With full stomachs, the group walked around the village and consequently got stared at by most of the people they passed. For the most part they ignored it but Kakashi noticed that the longer they walked the more depressed Bradley seemed to get. Naruto had noticed as well and had already determined the cause. Walking next to Bradley he said, "Ignore them, they don't know any better." Bradley looked surprised but nodded, looking less upset, then his nose twitched and he perked up significantly.

"I smell dogs!"

"Oh, that's probably because we're near the Inuzuka compound." Sakura supplied.

"Yeah, remember I was telling you about them?" Naruto said and suddenly Bradley was bowled over by a small white blur. Kiba came running around the corner just then.

"Akamaru! What's gotten into you?"

Akamaru was paying him no heed as he happily licked Bradley; tail wagging.

"Easy boy, easy! Okay, okay! Good dog!" Bradley half-chuckled, picking Akamaru up and handing him over to Kiba. "Yours I believe."

"Yeah, thanks…woah!" the dog specialist almost fell backwards, having just gotten his first good look at Bradley.

"Kiba, you should see the look on your face!" snickered Naruto. Bradley's ear twitched and so did Kiba who was still gawking.

"Close your mouth Inuzuka you're attracting flies." Snorted Sasuke.

"Screw you Uchiha!" Kiba retorted and then looked Bradley up and down. "Man, and I thought I'd seen everything. What clan are you from?"

"Don't have one." Shrugged Bradley. "Your friend is really strong for his size, Bradley Davis." He held out his hand.

"Thanks." Grinned Kiba and shook Bradley's hand. "Inuzuka Kiba. Nice to meet ya Davis." Sakura giggled. "What's so funny Sakura?"

"Davis is my family name, where I come from your given name comes first." The dog hybrid explained.

"That's really weird."

Gina and Kotorra introduced themselves and took turns cuddling Akamaru who loved every nanosecond of it. Kiba mostly talked to Bradley and Naruto with the occasional comments from Kakashi and the girls. Sasuke was determined to remain anti-social.

"What's the deal with Asshat over there?" Kotorra asked, jerking her thumb at Sasuke.

"Don't call him that!" Sakura yelled. "Sasuke-kun is not an Asshat!"

"Coulda fooled me…" mumbled Kiba.

"Whaaaaat!"

"Oh crap…" Kiba made a run for it, Sakura close behind.

Two weeks passed and the trio got somewhat used to life within the village. Bradley was staying with the Inuzuka's who, after getting over his odd appearance, treated him like part of the family. Kiba was disappointed when Bradley said he couldn't teach him how to transform. Although he did teach him how to burp the 1812 Overture much to everyone else's annoyance.

Gina was placed under the care of Iruka which may or may not have been a good idea as the girl developed a bad case of puppy love the second she laid eyes on him. It was cute the way she'd stare at him every chance she got and how Iruka would blush when he caught her at it (poor guy isn't used to fending off younger women). Kakashi found it extremely amusing when anyone mentioned Iruka in her presence she'd turn scarlet and look around frantically. Fortunately she got over it in the middle of her second week staying with him.

Kotorra, under the supervision of the Hokage, often found herself in the company of Ebisu and Konohamaru. Every once in a while, she'd help the kid escape and in return, he'd help her hunt for materials for her "crafting" as she called it. Naturally, this also led to Kotorra's first encounter with Oiroke no Jutsu. Ebisu was chasing them one afternoon and Konohamaru had used it as a distraction. Kotorra then decided to make it her mission to "de-pervify" Konohamaru before it was too late.

Today, the trio were finally going to be off probation and would be allowed to stay on their own. But…

"We still won't be allowed to leave the village without a guard?" huffed Gina. "Aw man, I was so looking forward to exploring."

"I'm sorry, but the council still isn't satisfied that you're not a threat to the village." Sandaime explained.

"That's fine. We're still not satisfied that Kotorra isn't a threat to our potential income." Shrugged Bradley.

"Remind me again who goes through an entire bottle of shampoo in three days?" Kotorra quipped. Gina smirked. "You're no better. Ever since we came here you've been eating double what you used to."

"It's all the fresh air." Gina said, taking a deep breath. "Even the air at home wasn't quite this clean. But what about you, every time I've seen you out shopping you're buying scrap."

"All right, all right, the point is we'll be needing money."

"About that." Sarutobi interrupted. "I'll be giving you some money to buy food, and I've arranged lodgings for you. The rent's been paid up to next month so you have until then to find something to do."

Oddly enough, they had been given an apartment two doors down from the one Naruto was staying in. Naruto was pleased, especially since now he had neighbors that wouldn't break into his apartment and vandalize it.

"Food, check." Gina had a clipboard in her hand. "Bedding, check. Paint, check. Slave labor, quadruple check."

"Hey!" protested Sakura.

"Silence slave!"

Today's mission for Team 7: assist Gina, Kotorra, and Bradley with cleaning up their new apartment.

Not much going on in this chapter, sad to say. Next one, our friends go job hunting. In the words of one of my former roommate's professors (who was from India)… "Oh this is not good. Not good at all. In fact, it is very very bad."


	7. Chapter 7

Where the Hell are We Now! (working title)  
By Kaori

"I see, and how does that make you feel?" Bradley asked, in a neutral tone. He scribbled down his patient's responses and made the appropriate "hmm" noises.

"Well?" the distraught woman asked. "What's wrong with Miho?" Bradley tipped his head to the side like he'd seen the therapists on television do and looked her straight in the eyes.

"Miss Ryujouji," he said. "your cat is pregnant and the tomcat that hangs around the alley behind the fish market is the father."

"WHAAAAAAT!"

Bradley had gotten a job in the animal clinic as a, for lack of a better description, pet psychic. It had been Kiba's mother's idea. At first he was just helping keep the patients calm, but when Tsume caught him talking to a guinea pig in the waiting room all that changed.

Said guinea pig was a repeat patient that was always brought in for extreme nervous behavior. Bradley, after a lengthy conversation, was able to learn that the poor thing was constantly terrorized by his owner's children and suffered frequent nervous breakdowns. The guinea pig was soon placed in a much less stressful environment.

It was a lot simpler to get Bradley to talk to the patients rather than using a ninken as a translator. This left the ninken free for additional training and missions.

Kotorra and Gina weren't so fortunate. Thus far they were fired from five restaurants, each time for the same reason. Word travels fast in the village and, despite Saindaime's revelation that they themselves weren't demons (and even then most there were a few skeptics about that), being a "demon sympathizer" was just as bad. They'd dumped hot food and beverages on the heads and laps of several people they'd heard badmouthing Naruto (though to be honest, they weren't sure why everyone seemed to loathe him so much but didn't like anyone talking trash about their friends) and the owners weren't too happy about that, never mind the patrons.

Since then the two had taken to sitting on a wall near the shopping district. Invariably they were joined by Konohamru, or Kiba and Akamaru (usually Kiba and Akamaru). Today it was just the two of them and Kotorra was fiddling with the headset Sarutobi had given her while Gina kept up some light chatter. Sakura approached them, arms akimbo.

"Don't you two think you should be looking for work instead of sitting on this wall all day?" she asked.

"Blasphemy!" cried Gina and Kotorra.

"You can't expect Bradley-san's salary to take care of all your living expenses."

"Of course not, but until we think of something it's the wall for us." said Kotorra. Sakura gave a heavy sigh before cocking her head to one side.

"What are you working on?" she asked, truly curious. While Sasuke had dismissed the trio as being useless, Sakura wanted to learn more. The three could do things that didn't require any chakra; granted it was due to an unpredictable virus but there had to be a way for someone who wasn't exposed to the virus to do it. Gina had indulged her curiosity on a few occasions (which led to the Haruno household getting some very interesting lawn ornaments) but it was rare that she got to watch Kotorra as she was unable to manifest her power at will.

"Nothing important." Murmured the brunette. "Especially since I can't get it to work for some strange reason."

"Really?" Gina frowned. "That's unusual. Are you sure you're not out of range?"

"That is virtually impossible and now is not the time to be having this conversation." Sakura frowned at that.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, err…she's just cranky. Best to ignore her." Hedged Gina. "So…where's Asshat?"

"I thought I told you to stop calling Sasuke-kun 'Asshat'!" raged Sakura.

"But it suits him."

"No it doesn't!"

While Gina and Sakura argued, Kotorra took it as an opportunity to test her device again. She slipped the headset on and hid it under her hair. Unbeknownst to her, she was being watched.

"This is Agent 72650-Beta-G, call-sign: Toolkit calling any Network ship. Do you read? Toolkit calling The Network." She waited for a response. "Toolkit to The Network, respond if you receive." She waited again and sighed, removing the headset. "Damn, it's not working. I should be able to pick up any signals with this. I wonder…" she adjusted it and was surprised when she heard two people talking over what she presumed were walkie-talkies.

Adjusting the headset a second time she found herself listening to another transmission, one she recognized as not originating from this world; it was about an interstellar battleship. The people here would have no idea what that was. Sighing heavily she turned the headset off. The experiment had taught her three things. 1) She could pick up terrestrial signals. 2) She could pick up interstellar signals. 3) She and her friends were somewhere The Network had not reached which in itself was extraordinary. The Network was everywhere. True there were places they had not contacted, but The Network had mapped the entire universe and had stations everywhere. If she was somewhere that she couldn't contact them from, that was saying a lot. "This is bad…"

"What is?" Gina asked, cutting Sakura off mid-rant.

"I'll tell you later." Kotorra waved the question off.

"Oh, okay."

"Anyway, it's almost dinner time. Why don't we get something to eat?"

"Foooood!" cheered Gina. "Let's go to that barbecue place with the grill in the middle of the table!"

"Sure, let's go liberate Bradley first. Sakura, you coming?"

"No thanks." Said Sakura. "My parents are waiting for me at home."

"Ah, I suppose we'll be seeing you around then."

As the three girls separated, the figure that had been silently observing them made his way to the Hokage Tower.

The following morning, Bradley got up to find his two friends already awake and sitting at the table with notepads and pens.

"How long have you two been up?" he asked.

"A little over an hour." Chirped Gina. "Breakfast's on the stove by the way."

"Thanks." Bradley shuffled into the kitchen and sniffed. "Mm…bacon."

Once he had filled his plate with food, he settled down in the empty chair.

"So, what are you two working on?"

"Well, we're not going to get any decent work in this town, so we thought why not start our own business?" Kotorra explained.

"What kind of business?" Bradley spread some jam on his toast.

"We have noticed a severe lack of gourmet coffee in this village." Gina said solemnly. Bradley nearly spit out his food.

"Hell no. You are not inflicting Starbucks on these poor people!"

"That's what I said." Kotorra deadpanned. "We need money but even I'm not that desperate."

"No, we haven't even hit desperate yet. If we were desperate we'd put you on the corner and make you dance for money." Gina leered.

"Thank God we're not desperate then. I never want to do that again."

"So we're going with the coffee shop idea."

"No you damn caffeine whore!"

"Plea hee heese! Just on ickle coffee bar for little moi!" Gina pouted, making Bambi eyes. Kotorra shuddered.

"Ugh, don't do that! You look like a rabid mink when you do that!"

"Then give me my coffee shop!"

"No! No! A thousand times no!"

"Enough about that for now." Bradley said, putting down his glass of milk. "Have you made any headway?" Kotorra shook her head.

"It's weird. I'm receiving transmissions but when I try to contact The Network I don't get a response. It's like they don't even exist."

"So then, we didn't just get warped to another planet?" frowned Gina. "You think we punched a hole in the dimensional wall."

"Maybe." Kotorra tapped her pen on the table. "I don't understand how though, but either way it looks like we're going to be stuck here for a while."

"At least it's a nice prison." Shrugged Gina. "Anyway, back to my coffee shop..."

"No!"

"You're no fun!"

"Oi, I'm going to work." Bradley stated. "Try not to get into trouble while I'm gone."

"Trouble is our pet Bradley." Kotorra remarked. "But don't worry, I doubt we'll cause any property damage."

"The best I can hope for I suppose."

I'm getting tired so I think I'll stop here for now. Next chapter: we find out whether Kotorra and Gina started Konoha's first coffee chain, or ended up shaking their booties in the street for cash; Gina meets Team Gai; Kotorra, Naruto, and Konohamaru get chased by Sakura; and Bradley psychoanalyses a parakeet. Also, it's the beginning of the chuunin exam! Hell yeah!


	8. Chapter 8

So, they were filming the next James Bond film, "Casino Royale" or whatever it's called, near my house. You would think that it would be cool, but it's really a pain in the ass having to go the long way home. Then there're the two car accidents that have been caused by the filming (one directly and one indirectly)… but if the tabloids haven't heard about it, I'm not going to be the one to start the scandal. At least not until the filming is done…

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Despite the whining, begging, pleading, and caffeine whoring (don't ask, it's not pretty) Gina did not get her way. Konoha would have to wait for some other enterprising soul to come up with Fire Country's Starbucks equivalent. However, that didn't mean they were out of the food service industry altogether…

"Yo! Order up! Two red hot curry lunches, one order of pork buns and miso soup, and a cutlet sandwich with extra horse radish!" Kotorra called from the kitchen pickup window. Gina bounced over and started packing the things into her specially made pack (kind of like the ones the vendors use in stadiums); there were shelves inside to stack the food in, pockets for the beverage containers, and insulated to keep hot things hot and cold things cold. "You know where you're going?"

"Yeah, yeah." Gina muttered.

"Don't forget the tea. If you forget the tea they get their next lunch half price. We can't afford that, we still have twenty more payments to make on this place. And don't even get me started on the rent."

"I know! What do you take me for, some kind of idiot?" Gina was indignant. Kotorra raised an eyebrow at her. "HEY!"

"Just get going. This is the last lunch delivery for the day. I'm going to close up and do some shopping so I'll see you when I get home."

"Heh. Whatever boss lady." Gina shrugged the bag onto her shoulder and rushed out the door.

It had been three weeks since the KGB Mochikaeri opened. It's a small stand about the same size as the Ichiraku Ramen, but it had much more variety menu-wise. Team 7, Sandaime and Iruka had been their first customers; and while most of the civilians avoided the place like the plague, with good reviews from the Copy Ninja and the Hokage, they got quite a few shinobi customers. The fact that they delivered (within the village naturally, they still weren't allowed outside the village proper) made it even better.

"Training ground fifteen…training ground fifteen…" Gina muttered to herself as she jogged. "Damn, this bag is heavy…"

Neji neatly avoided getting a kunai in the face while retaliating with two of his own. He and the rest of his team had been running combat drills all morning but if the Hyuuga prodigy was tired, he didn't show it. He learned a long time ago showing fatigue in front of his sensei only lead to speeches about "the flames of youth." He didn't have time to worry about that as Lee erupted from the bushes with a volley of kunai behind him. Skilfully, the long-haired genin avoided being pummelled and impaled. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to avoid being kicked into the woods by Gai.

Gina had finally admitted to herself that she was a bit lost when she was unexpectedly knocked to the ground by something heavy. Said heavy thing started cursing green-clad, weighted bakas with idiotic hairstyles, followed by footsteps. "Would you please get off of me? I would prefer not remaining in this position any longer than necessary." Deadpanned Gina.

Kotorra hummed as she strolled through the streets. They'd made a decent amount of money today and with additional funds from Bradley she could afford to buy some more scrap parts without going into debt. An enraged scream of "COME BACK HERE YOU BRATS" caused her to pause and look around which was her first mistake as two heavy objects slammed into her (what is it with these girls and getting knocked down).

"Ouch…what the hell…" she groaned. "Konohamaru? Naruto? What…"

"No time to explain Kotorra-san!" Konohamaru jumped up panicking. "The ugly, pink-haired girl is on the warpath!"

"Konohamaru!" Naruto said, smacking the younger boy upside the head. "Sakura-chan is not ugly!"

"I'll have to agree with Naruto there. Clingy, overbearing, loud, and violent, but not ugly." Kotorra nodded.

"Care to repeat that…" Sakura growled ominously behind them, cracking her knuckles.

"Flip."

"Run!" screamed Naruto and Konohamaru.

Back with Team Gai, apologies (from Gai, TenTen and Lee, Neji refused to apologize) and introductions were made. Gina's face lit up like a Christmas tree and she opened her bag. "KGB Mochikaeri! Delivery for Maito Gai and his team! One order of pork buns and miso soup, a cutlet sandwich with extra horseradish, and two red-hot curry lunches! That'll be twenty-eight ryou for the food, two ryou delivery charge, and five more ryou for assaulting the delivery girl." Neji glared at her. "What?"

"I did not assault you."

"Last I checked, clocking an innocent bystander is assault."

Gai, Lee, and TenTen paid no attention to the two as they dug into their meals with gusto.

Bradley cocked his head to the side. "So let me get this straight. You don't actually like crackers, but you can't stop yourself from asking for them?"

"Can you help me?" sobbed the parakeet. That's right. Parakeet. Ping-Pong if you've got a hang-up on names.

"Well, the cracker thing seems to be some sort of conditioned reflex. When do you find yourself asking for crackers?"

"Every time a human comes near my cage."

"Hmm…well I'll tell your owner not to give you crackers just because you ask for them, but why do you keep eating the crackers if you hate them so much?"

"My mother always told me it's wrong to waste food."

"Ah yes…we'll need to discuss your mommy issues next session. In the meantime Ping-Pong I want you to practice saying: Welcome to the flower shop." Bradley stood up and opened the door. "Yamanaka-san? You can come get your daughter's bird now. I'll have the receptionist make an appointment for you to bring him in next week."

"We…pant pant…can't keep this up…pant…much longer…pant pant pant." Konohamaru was out of breath and he felt like any moment now his legs were going to fall off.

"What else…pant…can we do? Pant pant. Sakura-chan will…pant…murder us…pant gasp, if we stop."

Kotorra, wasn't listening to either of them, far too busy running for her life. They wouldn't be running much longer as Konohamru bumped into yet another person. This one wasn't knocked over. He was dressed all in black and had makeup on his face; something wrapped in bandages was strapped to his back.

"And what do we have here?" sneered the stranger.

Kankuro was not in a good mood, but then again he rarely was. Having a homicidal brother who was a demon container wasn't exactly good for one's morale, especially when you're already edgy because of your mission. He picked up the smallest brat and held him up at eye level and scowled. "Ugh, I'm allergic to shrimp." He made to punch the poor kid in the face.

"Hey! Put him down you damn kabuki!" yelled Naruto. Kotorra shoved her hands in her pockets and watched the scene play out; if things got bad she'd run for help. Sakura, Udon, and Moegi finally caught up to Naruto and company and stood stunned at the tableau before them.

"Nah, I think I'll hang on to him for a while."

"Kankuro, we don't have time for this." The other stranger said.

"Oh come on, let's play with them a little while Temari. After all, _he's_ not around right now."

"If you insist on being stupid I'm not going to get involved."

"Suit yourself. More fun for me."

"Are you going to put him down or am I going to have to make you?" growled Naruto. Kankuro grinned viciously at him.

"Heh, I'd like to see you try it, shrimp."

"Why you.." Naruto made to rush Kankuro when Sakura grabbed him by the collar.

"You idiot! Don't go rushing in like that! You don't know what he'll do!" A rock came whizzing out of nowhere and struck Kankuro in the hand, causing him to drop Konohamaru. The younger boy got up and ran behind Kotorra, who was already looking up in the tree.

"Sasuke-kun!" cheered Sakura.

"Nice aim, Asshat." Kotorra said. Sasuke almost fell out of the tree but quickly recovered his composure (albeit now glowering at both Kankuro and Kotorra).

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL HIM THAT!" Sakura screamed at her.

"And I should listen to you, why?" Kotorra pretended to clean her ear.

"What are you foreigners doing here?" Sasuke asked, coolly.

"Don't you know anything? We're here for the chuunin exam." Temari rolled her eyes.

"Chuunin exam?" parroted Sakura.

"That's right." Sneered Kankuro. Kotorra, thinking this is as good a time as any to leave, started ushering the Konohamaru Corp away from the scene only to suddenly find herself unable to move; like something was binding her. She turned around slowly to see Kankuro leering at her, hands and fingers outstretched. "And just where do you think you're going?" he pulled back and she fell on her backside. "Nobody gave you permission to leave."

"Kankuro…enough." A cold voice ordered. Sasuke, flinched slightly, and turned to see a red-headed young man hanging upside down on the limb adjacent to his. The newcomer eyed him askance before turning his attention back to Kankuro.

"Er… hi Gaara…" flinched Kankuro. Temari seemed to shrink into herself. Kotorra got up and stood between Naruto and Sakura.

"You are a disgrace." Said the red-head as he disappeared in a whirl of sand only to reappear in front of Kankuro. "Stop wasting time here and let's go." He walked past the Naruto and company cool as you please. Suddenly, Sasuke called out to him.

"Hey, what's your name?"

"Gaara of the Desert. And you are?"

"Uchiha Sasuke."

"Hm." And with that the trio stalked off. As soon as Kotorra was sure they were gone, sighed in relief.

"Damn those are some fucking scary kids!" she said. "Especially the red-headed motherfucker."

"Hey, watch your language there are children present!" Sakura fumed. "And you're too young to be cursing like that anyway."

"First off, you guys are ninjas. I think that automatically gives you a license to cuss. Second, I'm sixteen. Third, I tend to cuss a lot when I'm scared or pissed off!"

"_You're_ sixteen! But you act like Naruto!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Naruto whined.

"Acting all mature and stuff only ages you faster." Kotorra said, placidly. "Besides, life is too short to take seriously."

"Excuse me?" blinked Neji.

"You're excused. Now apologize." Said Gina.

"What?"

"You heard me. Apology. Now."

"You already got one."

"From your teacher and your friends, I have yet to get an apology from you and you were the one that knocked me down." Gina rationalized. The rest of Team Gai was eating their lunch and watching the exchange like one would watch a tennis match.

Neji seemed to fight with himself. On the one hand, he _had_ slammed into her but that was because of Lee. He shouldn't have to apologize for an accident that was Gai's fault. Then there was the fact that Gina should have taken the trail instead of wandering around the training grounds. On the other hand, she wouldn't have been there in the first place if he hadn't agreed with Gai's idea to try the new place's food.

"I…apologize." Muttered Neji.

"See? That wasn't so bad was it?" Gina smiled warmly. "How's the food?" she asked the other three as Neji went and got his sandwich.

"It's delicious!" squealed TenTen. "These are some of the best pork buns I've ever had!"

"The curry…" Gai sobbed. "it's exquisite! The flavour bursts out at you in an explosion of youth and life! The spiciness lingers and can even be felt igniting the flames deep within me! Truly! This is the Curry of Youth!"

"Gai-sensei! Even your most elegant words cannot express the joy I feel from eating this most delectable dish!" cried Lee.

"Oh Lee! I fear you are correct!"

"Gai-sensei!" Lee stood up.

"Lee!" Gai also stood up, and the two started hugging. The familiar sunset background suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"…okay. Bizarre." Murmured Gina. "Do they do that often?"

"Yeah." Murmured TenTen. "It's so embarrassing."

"I feel for you. How do you stand it?"

"You learn to accept it after a while." Sighed Neji. "It's best to pretend you don't know them and move on."

Yeah I know, none of the chuunin exam was actually in here but fret not, we will have some of it in this story; mostly the preliminary and the third part of the exam since they had spectators.


	9. Chapter 9

_This island_  
_It is a Christian land  
You can hear a sermon  
From anywhere you stand  
They build a bar  
Next to every church  
So after mass  
You can go drink and curse_

A/N: Things are going to go a little differently than in the manga naturally.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

After hearing of Naruto and Sasuke's success in the exams, the KGB decided to throw them a little party. Naturally they couldn't have it at their little apartment so…

_FLASHBACK_

"Why the hell would I let you have a party in _my_ house?" Sasuke demanded after the trio had barged in unannounced. Kotorra placed her hands together in the same manner most therapists do, took a deep breath and looked the irate Uchiha in the eye.

"Sasuke," she said in an even tone. "I know you don't like us, and to be honest, we're not overly fond of you, but we're having the party here and we're going to celebrate you and Naruto getting into the third exam. Whether or not you attend the party as a statue is completely up to you. Savvy?"

Sasuke, naturally, decided to be stubborn.

"You wouldn't dare."

_END FLASHBACK_

Sasuke had been "stoned" until the guests had been there for a little over an hour. Naruto was slightly annoyed when Gina de-petrified Sasuke, but quickly got over it when Sasuke retreated to his room to escape the clutches of Sakura and Ino and refused to come out.

Iruka, Kiba, Hinata, Shino, Kurenai, and TenTen had been invited and as with most parties, people who hadn't even been invited showed up. Lee was there because TenTeninvited him along (Neji had been asked too but he refused to come) Lee invited Gai who had already planned to show up knowing that Kakashi would be there anyway. Ino, Shikamaru, and Chouji were there because Kiba had told Chouji about it, who in turn told Ino who insisted on going because Sasuke would be there; poor Shikamaru got dragged along for the ride. Asuma wasn't about to let an opportunity like this go by and had invited himself along with his team.

Sasuke's house was decorated in greens and blues. Six tables were lined up against the wall with assorted foods carefully prepared by Kotorra, and four punch bowls; two were marked "leaded" the others were marked "unleaded."

"What does that mean?" blinked Kiba.

"The punch marked leaded has alcohol in it, the unleaded doesn't." Gina explained.

"Ooh…" he made to switch the labels but got his hand smacked away by the joker.

"Don't even think about it. I worked hard to set this up and I won't let you ruin it."

Over by the karaoke machine, Kotorra and Bradley were singing an improvised version of Chris Rock's "No Sex (in the Champagne Room)."

"And no matter what Kakashi tells you," grinned Bradley. "there is no sex in Sasuke's room."

"Oh sure, Sasuke's in his room, but you don't just want Sasuke." Kotorra had a similar grin on her face.

"You want sex." They both chorused, pointing at Sakura and Ino who just about died of embarrassment. "And there is no sex in Sasuke's room. NONE!"

"Mmmhhmm." Bradley bobbed his head to the music while Kotorra went on to the chorus.

"No sex in the Asshat's room. No sex in the Asshat's room. Absolutely, positively no sex in the Asshat's room…"

Sasuke, having heard his name and the word "sex" in the same sentence one too many times (actually, because of the door, all he heard was "Sasuke" and "sex"), finally came out of his room and chased Kotorra and Bradley around. Gina cheered her fleeing friends on.

"Those people are…strange." Shino said quietly, sipping his unleaded punch.

"No kidding." Snorted Shikamaru. "Although, it is funny watching them annoy Sasuke. That guy is too troublesome."

"Understatement of the century." Gina sidled up to the pair. "Hi, I'm Gina, who the hell are you?"

"That's lazy-ass Shikamaru and Freaky Shino." Naruto said, as he joined them.

"Interesting." She looked Shino up and down. "Ain't you warm in that?" And without waiting for an answer she leapt onto Shino and tried to take his coat off.

Kakashi watched the scene with mild interest. Kurenai, who was standing next to him raised an eyebrow. "You're students' friend is molesting my student." She said flatly.

"Yes. Fun isn't it." Leered Kakashi. She smacked him upside the head.

"Ah youth!" sighed Gai. Kurenai hit him too.

"Take it off!" whined Gina.

"No." Shino said.

"Take it off!"

"No."

"Oh come on! Take it off!"

"No."

Back to Sasuke, Bradley, and Kotorra who were all still running around…

"So what you're saying is that there _is_ sex in your room?" Kotorra teased.

"No!" growled Sasuke.

"Oh so that means there isn't any sex in your room, but there might be in the room across the hall?" Bradley leered.

"Stop insinuating things!"

"We're not, we're just trying to get at the truth. Is you is or is you ain't sayin' there is or there ain't sex in your room, and if there ain't then where?" Kotorra was enjoying this.

"I ain't sayin' there ain't!"

"So you is sayin' there is." Bradley wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"I ain't…Damn you…" the Uchiha sputtered and then formed a familiar seal. "Katon…"

"Oh crap…"

It goes without saying that the party was over, which is just as well because Lee was getting dangerously close to the leaded punch.

During the time Sasuke and Naruto were off training for the final part of the exam, Gina and Kotorra had taken to keepingMochikaeri open later than usual. With all the visitors coming to watch the third exam, business had taken off. Iruka would stop in occasionally to pick up box lunches for some people in the Hokage's office. Sakura and Ino had come by once to ask if Sasuke had been there to which Kotorra said…

"We haven't seen Asshat since the party. Now are you going to order something or not?"

On the day of the third exam, they sat in the seats near the Kages' box. For some reason, this made Bradley nervous but he soon forgot about it when Gina and Kotorra started up their running commentary.

"It's a bee-yoo-tiful day here in Konoha where the third part of this year's bi-annual Chuunin Exam is about to begin." Gina said, half-laughing. "Hello, I'm Gina McCartney."

"And I'm Kotorra Lewis. To my right is Bradley Davis." Deadpanned Kotorra. "Gina, Bradley and I will be running colour throughout this tournament."

"Must you two do this every time?" moaned Bradley.

"Oh come on, it's traditional." Pouted Gina.

"This isn't even a sporting event."

"It's close enough." Shrugged Kotorra and she turned her attention back to the arena. "Now entering the arena floor it's Uzumaki "The Tornado" Naruto and his opponent Hyuuga "Jebus" Neji."

"Damn why is Jebus so pretty! (1)" Chorused Gina and Bradley.

"I thought you weren't going to join us?"

"When did I say that?" said Bradley.

"Both competitors look strong. They're sizing each other up…" announced Gina. "and Naruto makes the first move!"

"But Jebus avoids the assault!" crowed Kotorra.

"Naruto will need to come up with something quick if he wants to beat Neji." Bradley said. "Ouch, that must have hurt…"

"But Naruto gets back up! That kid's got a lot of spirit!" cheered Gina.

"Truly an inspiring individual." Nodded Kotorra. "Eh…what's Jebus doing now?"

Neji was preparing to use Hakke Rokujuyyon to close Naruto's tenketsu. The absolutely malicious grin on Neji's face told the spectators that things were about to get ugly (despite the beauty of the Hyuuga taijutsu style).

"Jebus has just used some weird poking attack that has left Naruto staggering." Reported Gina. "CanThe Tornadomake a comeback?" A few moments passed and suddenly, those in the stands felt a wave of something absolutely terrifying wash over them. Bradley's ears started twitching like crazy.

"What… is that?" everyone (save the Hokage and Naruto himself) was asking themselves.

We won't go into the beatdown that occurred following Naruto's little power trip as everyone was too shocked to say anything. But after the match, Gina and Kotorra raised up a cheer.

"See that boy lying on the floor  
He looked pretty but he ain't no more.  
See our champion, strong and true  
Move to the side, Naruto coming through!"

Then they started up a weird dance that involved a lot of pelvic thrusts and rump shaking. The Hokage glanced over in their direction and chuckled earning him a slightly confused look from the Kazekage.

A few people sitting behind the KGB snickered. It was about time the Hyuuga got knocked down a peg or two.

"Stop, please, you guys are embarrassing me." Moaned Bradley.

"Aw, quit being such a prude and dance with us!" Gina said, arms akimbo.

"We may as well stop anyway, the next match is about to start." Kotorra pointed out, flopping back into her seat.

Since Sasuke hadn't shown up yet, his match was postponed. So they went on to the next one.

"Now entering the arena, Aburame "Spiderman" Shino and the Scary-Ass Kabuki, Kankuro."

"Shino doesn't use spiders, Koto." Bradley corrected.

"I know that, but it was either that or "The Roachinator""

To everyone's disappointment, Kankuro forfeited.

"What the hell! What a rip off!" yelled Gina. "Hey you! Get your butt back in there!"

"How can this be a rip off? We didn't pay to come here." Snorted Bradley.

"Shut up! You're in cahoots with the rip off artists!"

"Just sit down, G." Kotorra sighed.

The next match was Shikamaru versus Temari. Or as Gina called it: "Lazyass" versus "Bitchy Britches".

"The dudette from the dunes is down in the arena awaiting her opponent." Said Bradley. "But, whither the lazy pineapple?" Shikamaru was sent plummeting into the arena courtesy of Naruto. "Ah, quite an unorthodox entrance. I give it a six. What say you."

"It was lame. Three and a half." Said Kotorra.

"I thought it was lame too. But since I said I'd give everybody a ten, he gets a ten." Nodded Gina.

When the battle actually began most of the spectators weren't really paying attention. After all, they were waiting for the fight between the famed Uchiha Survivor and the mysterious genin from Suna. Gina, was quickly bored by the fight and loudly protested Shikamaru's dodging and stalling. Kotorra and Bradley, while appreciative of the tactical edge, wished that someone would hurry up and land a deciding blow already. In a way they got their wish…

"Didn't see that one coming." Muttered Kotorra. "Good grief, where did he get the brick from?"

"Probably all that debris from the last fight." Sighed Bradley. "Although I must admit, it was funny the way that Sand girl got clobbered with it. She's lucky Shikamaru didn't use a kunai to weight that balloon with."

"Ugh, I've got a headache and I didn't even get hit with the stupid brick." Moaned Gina. "Where's the guy with the sodas? I need something to drink."

"This isn't a sporting event, G."

"I don't freaking care, I'm thirsty!" Her rant was interrupted by the entrance of Uchiha Sasuke and Hatake Kakashi. "Damn you, Asshat you're late! You'd better have been worth the wait or I'll turn you into a pigeon toilet (2)!" If Sasuke heard her, he didn't show it.

"Asshat versus Scary Mofo." Kotorra said, sagely. "Truly a clash of titans is about to take place." Bradley didn't say anything. He got the feeling something was about to go horribly wrong. In the middle of the battle, he was not disappointed…

_Okay that's enough. Man, this was really hard to write. Anyway, next chapter is the attack on Konoha and the KGB helps out._

(1) If you want, I'll explain the Jebus thing next chapter.

(2) In high school a few of my classmates and I had this thing for anti-euphemisms (euphemisms are supposed to be another way of saying something distasteful). Pigeon toilet was one of my favourites, especially when we started talking about the statue of Christopher Columbus outside Government House. Every time we saw the word statue we'd think "pigeon toilet".


	10. Chapter 10

So I watched a little bit of Konjiki no Gash Bell (subtitled) out of curiosity. You know that song in the English version when Gash and Kiyomaru first meet Parco Fulgore? Yeah, well it's really about groping boobs. I just about died laughing… "Breasts, breasts, and boobs. Boing! Boing!" (snicker). Hurray for pervy songs!

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"What the fudgy…" murmured Gina as feathers seemed to rain from the sky and people started falling asleep. "Is there a giant bird moulting somewhere?"

"Forget that, why's everybody asleep?" hissed Kotorra. "And how come we're not affected?"(1) She didn't get an answer as everything suddenly went straight to Hell in a handbasket.

The stadium walls exploded and ninjas started pouring in. The Konoha shinobi that were still awake immediately began defending the area. Shocked, the trio started running for the exits.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…"chanted Kotorra.

"I couldn't agree more." Said Bradley, looking this way and that. "Woah! Incoming!" They dodged to the side as a large chunk of the stadium wall came crashing down. A flash of metal was the only warning they got that someone was chasing them.

Without thinking, Bradley transformed into a black wolf and attacked the first thing he saw: a Suna shinobi.

"Bradley!" Gina screamed as her friend clamped down on the man's arm. Whipping off her gloves, she ran over and slammed her hands into the man's abdomen, petrifying him. The wolf stopped attacking and got into a guarding position at Gina's right. They both made a break for a breach in the wall where Kotorra was anxiously waiting for them.

"Move your asses! Come on!"

Running through the streets was like running away from a revolt once the police showed up with the riot gear, hosesand gas bombs. There was fighting and panic everywhere and it was all they could do not to get separated from each other.

Knowing they shouldn't keep running about in the open like that, they made their way towards the Mochikaeri. Gina, pausing a moment to catch her breath, looked up and gasped in surprise. "Guys!" The others stopped running to see what was so alarming and gasped.

A gigantic, purple cube rested on top of one of the buildings near the nearly demolished stadium. They didn't know what it was but they got the feeling it wasn't anything good. The tail of a humongous snake crashed down behind them and the three wild cards took that as a signal to start running again.

Bradley, still in his wolf form almost tripped over his own paws when he smelt something familiar. Not giving it a second thought he raced towards it; Kotorra and Gina anxiously following behind him, not sure what to think at this point.

Ebisu was doing his best to defend Konohamaru and his friends but he was getting tired. He'd already fended off fourchuunin and the fifth was wearing him down severely. A black streak and a surprised cry of "Kotorra-neesan!" from Konohamaru was the only warning he got before the Otochuunin he had been fighting was viciously mauled by a ferocious black wolf. A slender hand rested on his back and he turned around.

"Kotorra-san." Ebisu said, both relieved and surprised. "What are you doing here?" Gina was fussing over Udon, whose arm had a nasty gash on it.

"Trying not to get killed, Ebisu-san." Was the deuce's bland response. She had long since decided she could fall apart later."Is there anywhere we can go that's safe?"

"Yes. Follow me."

It was significantly easier to avoid trouble when accompanied by a ninja. Kotorra made a promise to herself not to mock Ebisu for a week if they got out of this alive.

"We're almost there." Ebisu announced, the trio and the Konohamaru Corp only nodded in acknowledgement too tired to speak. Any relief they may have felt at the moment was quickly gone when six ninjas, five chuunin and a jounin, with Oto hitai-ite blocked their path.

"And just where do you think you're going?" one of them, the only jounin in the group, said.

"So close…" hissed Ebisu.

Bradley growled low in his throat. They were outmatched, he could smell it but something seemed odd to him. What was that strange, earthy smell? Wait a minute. Earthy? He looked over at Gina who had her head bowed; she was shaking slightly and muttering something.

"Hey, what do you suppose is wrong with that one?" an Otonin with blue hair pointed at Gina.

"Probably scared out of her mind." Sneered the jounin. "What's the matter, little girl? You gonna cry?"

Gina didn't hear any of it. She was tired. Tired of being scared, tired of being attacked, and damn well tired of running. She wrapped her mind around that fury and released.

The ground below their feet started shaking. The Otonins quickly took to the roofs of the buildings to try and keep their footing. The group on the ground however, was slowly being elevated by what looked like a monstrous, stone hand rising out of the ground. Following the hand was an arm, then another hand, and suddenly in an explosion of masonry, stone, and dirt a gigantic golem towered above them, Ebisu and his charges in the palm of its hand.

"Hang on tight." Gina said, suddenly raising her head and everyone could see her pale hazel eyes had turned a muddy brown. "I'm going to get you guys to safety and anything getting in my way is in for an ass kicking." The golem reared its free hand back and smashed it onto the building the Otonins were standing on, causing them to scatter.

Bradley, in his surprise, had turned back into his normal form and was openly gaping at his friend. He'd never seen her this angry before and she'd never shown any indication that she had this kind of power.

Kotorra's mind was going a mile a minute. This was Gina? Crazy, light-hearted, caffeine addicted Gina? How was she doing this? A loud hiss alerted them all to the massive anaconda looming behind them.

Kakashi and Gai weren't sure what to make of the towering stone golem that had suddenly appeared and had gotten into a fight with one of Orochimaru's snakes, but as long as it was fighting on their side, it didn't really matter as it was confusing the Suna and Otonins. There was murmuring amongst them as to why Iwanins were helping Konoha.

Gina, sitting on her golem's head, kept her eyes trained on the gigantic snake as she did her best to keep it from attacking the Konoha shinobi. However, she knew she wouldn't be able to keep this up much longer but was too stubborn to let go just yet. Besides, she'd never felt so alive in her life.She winced as her golem was smacked from behind by another snake. "Hey! Two against one is unlawful!" The golem reached out and grabbed the first snake by the tail and used it like a whip to fend off the other snake.

Bradley and Kotorra were sitting on the golem's left shoulder and warned Gina when the enemy tried to climb up her creation.

"How are you holding up Gina?" Kotorra asked.

The other girl turned to reply and then a kunai whizzed through the air and lodged itself in her shoulder. "Ah!"

"Gina!" her friends cried out as she seemed to go into shock.

The golem gave a mournful roar and started falling apart. Kotorra grabbed Gina and got her into a clumsy fireman's carry. Bradley transformed into a large german shepherd and with Kotorra and Gina on his back, leapt to the safety of a nearby roof. Ebisu had Udon on his back and Moegi and Konohamaru under each of his arms. He landed on the roof opposite the one the trio had landed on. None of them had time to rest as the shinobi that had landed the hit on Gina made himself known.

"It's over." He sneered, raising his kunai. Kotorra held Gina close to her body to protect her, but then Bradley suddenly threw them both off of the roof taking the blow himself.

"Kotorra-san!" coughed Ebisu, unable to do anything with all his injuries. The children cried out to their friend.

Kotorra screamed as she fell into the alleyway below, flipping herself around so that she'd cushion Gina's fall, she shut her eyes and did the mental equivalent of kissing her ass goodbye. A few seconds passed and she suddenly became aware of a loud buzzing in her ears. She cracked an eye open and almost fainted. She was lying on a flying carpet made entirely out of wasps.

"Are you all right?" Shino's impassive voice said. Kotorra looked up.

"Yeah, thanks. Oh my God…Bradley!"

"Kiba and Hinata are handling it."

Up on the roofs, Kiba and Akamaru had already incapacitated the enemy ninja and were tying him up in hopes that once the fighting was over, they had someone to hand over for interrogation while Hinata tended to Udon and Ebisu.

"Oi! Kotorra!" Bradleya yelled down to them; he was bleeding from a wound on his right side. "You all right?"

"I'm just a little bruised, but you and Gina need medical attention. Hey Kiba, think you and your team can escort us to the shelter?"

"Heh, why not. You're no princess, but I suppose beggars can't be choosers at a time like this."

"Well I can't say I can pay you but get us back there alive and I'll let you eat at the Mochikaeri for free for a whole month."

"Yahoo! You've got yourself a deal! Hinata, Shino let's go!"

The shelter was mostly occupied by civilians, the injured, and genins and the muffled sounds of battle echoed inside. Gina, Bradley, Ebisu, and Udon were immediately carted off by the medic-nins. Kotorra was left with Team 8, Konohamaru, and Moegi. Fatigue finally set in as she sat down heavily on the floor.

"So," she drawled. "does this sort of thing happen every time you guys have an exam?" She would not break down now. Not in front of these kids. It would only worry them even more.

"Does Gina usually summon large monsters?" voice said. Kotorra turned her head to see Iruka leaning against the wall.

"Touché, Iruka-san." She leaned back and closed her eyes. "So that's a "no" then."

"Kotorra-neesan, are you alright?' Konohamaru asked. Kotorra put a hand on his head and smiled.

"You don't need to worry about me, I'll be okay after I get some rest. What about you?"

"Ha! A little run like that doesn't even phase me!" he puffed out his chest.

"Oh really? Maybe when this is over I'll make you my delivery boy."

While Kotorra and Konohamaru got into an argument concerning the boy's potential salary, Iruka pulled Team 8 aside and basically told them that if worse comes to worse, they were to help defend the shelter.

Ten minutes later, Gina walked over and sat down next to her friend.

"Where's Bradley?" Kotorra asked, absently.

"The medics have him in a bed. They're worried about the amount of blood he lost. Knowing him, he'll pout and give them puppy dog eyes until they let him come over here with us."

"Ah. By the way, Iruka-san's here."

"Eh? Iruka? Really? Where?" Gina looked around frantically.

"You are such a fangirl." Moaned Kotorra, and leaned her head on her friends shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"Huh? What for?"

"For being so damned useless."

"What the… what do you mean? You're not useless."

"Yes I am." Murmured Kotorra. "I couldn't help you guys during the fighting and you and Bradley got hurt because I couldn't watch your backs properly." Gina suddenly pulled her into a fierce hug.

"If it weren't for you we probably wouldn't be alive to even get into this situation in the first place. Your translator gizmo probably saved our lives, and don't even startsaying if you hadn't wanted to go State-side for vacation we wouldn't have been kidnapped. You can't start thinking about the "what-ifs", just concentrate on when and right now."

"Right now," Kotorra whispered. "I want you to let go, you're strangling me."

(1) If you can figure out why then hats off. If you're really good at making inferences it shouldn't be a problem to understand why the KGB aren't affected by genjutsu.


	11. Chapter 11

"I should command here – I was born to rule. But do I rule? I don't. Why? I don't know. I shall some day. Not yet, I bide my time. I once was someone – and the was will be. The present as we speak becomes the past. The past repeats itself, and so is future! This sounds involved. It's not. It is right enough." – Blanch, "Princess Ida" by Gilbert and Sullivan.

Note to Garret P.I.: I'm not afraid of tampering with the storyline, I'm just picking my moments. Like now.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

They were still huddled in the shelter when the news came that the Sandaime had managed to completely destroy the snake sannin's central nervous system; if it wasn't for Kabuto showing up when he did Orochimaru would have been dead. The Hokage himself, however, was in terrible shape and it was doubtful that he would ever be able to function as a shinobi again. (1)

Perplexing everyone, Sandaime summoned the three outsiders to his hospital room.

"First of all, I want to thank you for assisting us during the invasion." Sarutobi said. "You haven't lived here very long but I'm glad you gave us your support."

"Well, we couldn't let those jerks do what they wanted." Huffed Gina. "Besides, its not the Wild Card way to do nothing while there is butt to kick."

"Granted, we did get our own butts kicked in the end." Winced Bradley. He was going to have a nasty scar where the kunai had pierced his side.

"Imbecile, do not reveal shameful defeats!" the other joker started hitting him in the head. "It's not cool!"

"All right, knock it off, you harpy!"

"Ignoring the peanut gallery," coughed Kotorra. "I'm pretty sure you didn't call us here just for that Hokage-sama."

"True." He pointed to a scroll on the nightstand. "I want you to find Naruto and give him that scroll. He'll tell you what I need you to do once he's read it."

"The walls have ears?"

"And eyes." The Hokage said gravely.

"Say no more." Chirped Gina. "It's done like dinner."

Walking through the village now was a depressing affair. Even though people had immediately started clearing rubble to facilitate the construction and repair, it was like they all knew things wouldn't be the same again.

People watched the trio go by with distrustful eyes; they paid them no mind, they had a job to do.

"You!" screamed one woman, hands balled into fists. "You're responsible for all this!"

The three continued walking.

"Don't you ignore me! Spies! Demons!" she threw a piece of mortar and it struck Bradley in the head. He winced but continued to walk. However it was only a matter of time before more debris and insults were hurled in their direction by those nearby. Fortunately, they were rescued from the stoning by a kunoichi they'd never seen before.

"And just what do you idiots think you're doing?" roared the woman, brown eyes flashing.

"They're spies from Iwagakure!" yelled one man. "I saw that one," he pointed at Gina, who rolled her eyes. "create a giant stone man. Everyone knows Iwa ninjas can use earth techniques either that or she's some kind of demon!" Several cries of concurrence erupted from the mob.

"Oh really?" Anko sneered, causing the crowd to shrink back a little. "Do you have proof for any of the claims you are making?"

"Just look at him!" the woman who had cast the first stone spat, glaring at Bradley. "No human looks like that!"

"Shows what you know." Mumbled Kotorra.

"What they look like is of no importance." Anko said. "You are, in essence, forming a mob to accost three people on business for the Hokage. Last I checked, that's treason and would get you imprisoned and interrogated under normal circumstances. However, we're under martial law right now, which means I can have you all executed." The civilians turned a shade of white that would make alabaster jealous. "However, I'm feeling lenient so the usual punishment should be enough for the likes of you." She snapped her fingers and several ANBU dropped out of nowhere and took the people away, including the woman who had started the whole affair.

"Er… thanks miss kunoichi ma'am." Bowed Gina. Anko grinned at her.

"Anko-san will do fine. Now, don't you three have something you're supposed to be doing right now?"

"Oh, right. Come on, let's go find Naruto guys." And they all ran off. When they felt they were sufficient distance away to be out of earshot, they gave a collective sigh of relief.

"I'm glad she was on our side." Bradley said. "She's scarier than your dad, Koto."

"K's dad's not scary." Snorted Gina.

"That's because you have two X chromosomes."

"What's the big deal? Your just her friend and besides, K's too dense about relationships to get a boyfriend anyway."

"Yeah, that's true…"

"Would you two stop talking about me like I'm not right here?" pouted Kotorra. "Oh, hey, there's Naruto."

Naruto was talking to an older man with long, white hair. While the blonde looked excited about something, the old man seemed to be a bit distracted. Gina, having no qualms about interrupting people, ran up and tackled Naruto.

"Hi! Miss us?" she chirped. Naruto mock glared at her.

"How can I miss you? You never go away."

"How cruel, Naruto-chan!" wailed Gina with all the sincerity of a soap opera starlet. "After we were almost killed yesterday!"

"Almost killed? You must have run into some crappy assassins." That got him a playful smack in the head.

"Oh ho, Naruto, is this your girlfriend?" leered the white-haired man.

"Ha! As if, I don't like little boys." Sniffed Gina, and Naruto squawked in indignation. "Besides, Naruto only has eyes for Saaakuuuuraaaa!"

"Gina-san!" wailed Naruto.

"Bwuahahaha!"

"Who are you?" Bradley asked the older man.

"So glad you asked!" grinned the white haired old man and struck a pose. "I am…"

"Jiraiya, the Frog Hermit of the Sannin." Naruto interrupted. "But he's really just a big pervert."

"Naruto! You ruined my cool introduction to the lovely ladies!" yelled Jiraiya, beating the boy upside the head.

"Ow! Ow! Are you trying to give me brain damage, ero-sennin?"

"It's too late for that!"

"And that fills the lunacy quota for the day." Kotorra deadpanned. "We have a message for you, Naruto."

"Eh? A message for me?" Naruto squinted.

"Yeah, from Hokage-sama." Bradley added.

"From the old man? What's it say?"

"What am I, your secretary? How should I know?" The scroll was shoved into Naruto's hands and he read it, Jiraiya peering over his shoulder.

"Whaaaa… What is he thinking!" exclaimed Jiraiya, snatching the scroll out of his apprentice's hands. "I can't be Hokage, I've got important research to do!"

"Peeping is not research." Growled the gennin. Kotorra and Gina's eyes narrowed at the word "peeping."

"Just because you don't understand the beauty that is the female form in all its unclothed, curvy glory…BBBLLLGRRRGGGLLLLBBLLLLLAAARGH!" Jiraiya suddenly fell down in a smoking, twitching, heap. Naruto started poking him with a kunai.

"Hmm… I thought I had set this thing to 'vaporize' not 'deep fat fry'." Muttered Kotorra, as she adjusted what looked like a label gun.

"Is that a label gun?" blinked Bradley.

"It _was_ a label gun. Now it's my Smiter Mark 3."

"What happened to one and two?"

"One was an ordinary tazer gun, and two got accidentally crushed by a truck."

"Can I have one?" Gina asked, viciously glaring at the downed pervert.

"I'll think about it."

"How did you end up making it the first time? Your wild card only works when you absolutely need it to."

"Oh, I didn't use my power to make this, I was taught how to. Although, this doesn't work the way the original does, sadly. I still haven't figured that part out yet."

"Who…" Bradley was about to ask but Jiraiya stood up just then, still twitching and his hair was standing on end and Naruto jumped back.

"Ugh. Who hit me with a raiton jutsu?"

"No jutsu, just the wrath of the heavens!" smirked Kotorra. "Anyway, what's this about you being the next Hokage?"

The scroll Naruto had been given contained instructions for him to find Jiraiya and tell him that he was to become the next Hokage, which is as far as the sennin had read. If he had looked at the rest he'd know that should he refuse he was to take Naruto and the Wild Cards and bring Tsunade back to the village to take the position.

"I get why we're being made to go along..." Gina said.

"Wow, shock beyond shock." Snickered Bradley.

"Quiet you, it's so obvious anybody could see it. Especially after what happened earlier! Hokage-sama must have known the villagers would immediately blame us for what just happened and thought it best to get us out of here for a while. What I want to know is when did you become chummy with this pervert, Naruto?"

"I am not a pervert." Protested Jiraiya, earning him some odd looks from the trio.

"He's a super pervert." Grimaced Naruto. "I'll prove it. Oiroke no Jutsu: Steamy Harem Version!" (2)

POOF! Eight naked Naruto-chans surrounded Jiraiya, cooing and rubbing themselves all over him as the sennin babbled and drooled. Bradley passed out in a dead faint, an idiotic grin plastered on his face. Gina looked like she wanted to strangle somebody but couldn't decide who to suffocate first. Kotorra, having seen much smuttier scenes (don't ask), sighed in annoyance and fired the Smiter Mark 3 nine times. There were eight poofs and two screams of pain.

"What was it set to this time?" Bradley asked, wrinkling his nose from the smell.

"Texas Electric Chair." Kotorra said, blandly.

"Ouch."

Gina picked up a couple of sticks and started poking Naruto and Jiraiya.

Once the pervert and his apprentice had recovered their senses, they all went their separate ways to get prepared for the journey. Since none of the KGB crew had any travelling things, they set out on a little shopping excursion. Unfortunately, due to the attack, the ever-suspicious shopkeepers wouldn't sell them anything. Fortunately for them, they ran into Team 8.

"Why do we have to hold the bags!" whined Kiba from behind his pile of bags and boxes. Shino was in a similar predicament and so was Bradley. Gina and Kotorra were taking turns cuddling Akamaru while Hinata ticked off things on the list they had given her.

"Because your men." Gina said simply. "And as such you will do all lifting and carrying to remind you of your place in society."

"Oh really? And just what is that?"

"Grovelling at the feet of your mistress." The hazel-eyed girl then let out a raucous laugh.

"Bradley! Shino! Are you going to stand for this?"

"As long as Koto's got her Smiter I'm going to shut up and do as I'm told like a good dog." Bradley said, completely serious.

"What's a 'smiter?""

"Painful. And that's all you need to know."

"Hmph. Shino, what about you?"

"Stay silent and avoid unnecessary confrontations. That is the rule." Said Shino.

"Argh! You wusses!"

Kotorra, ignored them in favour of Hinata. "You know, I've never had a personal shopper before…" she mused aloud. At Hinata's confused look she smiled. "What I meant was, your very good at picking things we would like even though we don't really know you all that well."

This was true. Team 8 and the KGB had a few interactions prior to the attack ranging from short conversations at the Mochikaeri to hanging out near the wall Kotorra and Gina like to sit on. However, following Naruto around frequently led to the KGB's apartment as Hinata's orange-clad crush got dragged into their apartment whenever they needed another person for whatever card game they were playing.

"Er…um…anou…"

"Hmm…maybe we should invite you over the next time we play cards. I'm sure Naruto would like someone around his own age to keep him company."

"I..I would ..like that." Blushed Hinata.

"Great! As soon as we get back, we'll have a game of Mao."

"What do you mean "as soon as we get back"?" barked Kiba. "You guys going somewhere?"

"Yeah, we've got a mission!" grinned Gina.

"You can't have a mission, you're not ninjas."

"No, we're not. We're mercenaries." Kotorra said, wicked grin on her face.

"No you're not!"

"According to some dictionaries, yes we are."

The arguing continued until they arrived at the apartment complex.

"Naruto!" Gina half yelled and half whined as she banged on the blonde's door. "Get out here and help us with our stuff!" Naruto stuck his head out of his door.

"Why can't you let them do it." He pointed at Kiba and Shino.

"Because I asked _you_!" Gina grabbed him by the ear and yanked him outside. Kiba snickered.

"What's the matter, Naruto? Can't handle your girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend dog-breath. She likes Iruka-sensei."

"Gah! Na-ru-toooooo!" wailed Gina.

"Ha! That's payback for earlier!"

"Sleep with one eye open Naruto…"

(1) I wanted to keep Sandaime around but out of the way. I still wanted Naruto to learn rasengan and for Tsunade to be Hokage. This, to me, was the best option. Also, if your wondering about the incident between Kakashi and Kabuto during the fracas, it doesn't happen since, if you remember from last chapter Kakashi was with Gai the whole time. I'm assuming Kabuto was chasing down Sasuke-tachi and ended up being detained. Unfortunately, Hayate is still dead…unless I decide otherwise MWUAHAHAHAHA! Oh, and if one biology/med student bitches at me I will…be very annoyed and probably do something childish.

(2) Saw this one in the anime (the way Naruto says it was amusing, it was like "geez here we go again") and I wanted to put in for fun.


	12. Chapter 12

I left my wife and forty-nine kids on the verge of starvation with only one hamburger left, -ger left, -ger left, right left.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"Aah, feels good to be out on the open road…" sighed Gina. "By the way, where are we going?"

"To find this Tsunade person." Said Bradley.

"I know _that_, where are we going _specifically_?"

"We're going to the hotel town near here." Jiraiya said flatly. "We'll probably get some idea of where to start looking by asking the locals."

"As long as I get to sample the local cuisine, I don't care." Grinned the long-haired brunette.

The group walked in a loose formation. Jiraiya, Kotorra and Naruto up front with Kotorra between the two ninjas, while Gina and Bradley behind them.

"Hey, hey, perverted hermit…" started Naruto, Jiraiya smacked him upside the head.

"I thought I told you not to call me that!"

"You are what you are." Shrugged Kotorra.

"Why are you so mean to me, Kotorra-chan?" whined Jiraiya. A nerve twitching in the tall girl's forehead was the only warning he got.

"BBBBBBBLLLLBBBBLLLLBLLLLAAAAAARRRRRRGHHH!" THUD.

"_Don't_ address me so familiarly you pervert."

"You know, I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching you zap him." Gina said.

"Yeah, but I'll probably have to knock it off once we get into town. I don't think the Hokage would approve of me zapping him while he's carrying out orders."

After the pervert had recovered, he felt it best to have Kotorra walk next to Naruto causing the other two Wild Cards to snicker; a fifty-year-old man scared of a sixteen-year-old girl, how embarrassing.

They arrived at the town with plenty of daylight to spare so they checked into one of the hotels. While they were still checking in, a beautiful young woman paused outside the door; Jiraiya, Naruto, and Bradley were instantly rendered brainless; Kotorra and Gina sighed in annoyance.

"Men are pigs. It's sad…" groaned Kotorra.

"I'm a dog not a pig." Bradley said, grinning.

"So you're a swine hound then."

"Naruto!" Jiraiya was dancing in place.

"Y..yes!" Naruto's attention was divided between the woman and his sensei. Jiraiya slapped a set of keys into his hands. "Eh?"

"Go upstairs and do some chakra exercises, I'll be back later!" and without another word, he made a run for it. Naruto was livid.

"WHAT! YOU PERVERT! COME BACK HERE!" Kotorra put a hand on the orange-clad boy's shoulder.

"Come on, let's go check out that room."

"Hey, where'd Bradley go?" blinked Gina. "He was right here next to me a second ago…" Kotorra, putting two and two together and coming up with skirt-chasing, made a face.

"Forget it, Gina it's hormones."

"What are you talking abou…oh. Well, if that's the case I'm going sightseeing. See you later." she waved.

Bradley was following Jiraiya in the form of a Yorkshire terrier and not because he was looking to get snuggled by the busty woman. No, something didn't smell right to him. There are only three reasons a woman goes after a much older man: 1) She's a gold digger and wants his cash. 2) She's genuinely in love with him. 3) She's a hooker. He was pretty sure he could rule out numbers one and two since he's pretty sure she'd never met Jiraiya before otherwise she wouldn't still be around so she must be a hooker. If that was the reason he was going to make sure the damned pervert remembered that they weren't here to play snuzzlebunnies with pretty girls; he was thinking the form of a Doberman Pinscher would do nicely. He wouldn't find out until later about option four: genjutsu.

Meanwhile, Naruto was trying to teach Kotorra about chakra while doing his control exercises. The short-haired brunette had joined the blonde in his meditations when there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Kotorra called. All they got was another knock on the door. "Who is it?" More knocking. "Dammit Gina, you'd better be have your hands full…" She got up and opened the door. "You're not Gina."

There were two people standing outside the door and the first thing she noticed was the cloaks they were wearing and that the tall one had blue-skinned and carrying a huge-ass sword. The second thing was that the shorter man looked familiar.

_Sasuke?_ she thought. _No, but they are similar…This one's got dangerous hottie written all over him. Asshat just looks like an emo kid ._

"Is Uzumaki Naruto here?" the short one asked.

"Who may I ask, is inquiring?" Kotorra raised an eyebrow, she knewbad news when she saw it and these guys were front page. Naruto chose that moment to pop up under her elbow. "Errr… pay no attention to the runt standing next to me!" she tried to slam the door in the cloaked men's faces but was stopped by the shorter one and pulled into the hallway by the taller. "RUN NARUTO!"

"Oh yeah, run. I'll just entertain myself with the girl here." The blue-skinned guy grinned, showing rows of sharp, pointy teeth.

"Don't even think about it, bastard!" Naruto growled.

"We have no interest in the girl." The short one said quietly. "If you come with us we'll let her go."

"Don't listen to him Naruto." Kotorra insisted.

"Quiet." The shark-faced man punched her in the gut.

"Oof."

"Kotorra!"

"I thought I told you to get out of here…" wheezed the girl, then she whipped out her Smiter and fired it. Faster than either she or Naruto could follow she was thrown aside and the wall behind the shorter man exploded; the gun falling out of her hands and skidding to a halt at the shark-man's feet. He regarded it for a moment and then crushed it under his foot. "Dammit."

"I wouldn't recommend you try that again." Said the red-eyed man, slowly he tilted his head to the side. "It's been awhile…Sasuke." Naruto and Kotorra's attention immediately went to the end of the hallway. Standing there, seething and with Sharingan blazing was Uchiha Sasuke.

"Uchiha Itachi…" he glowered. "I will….kill you!"

"Uchiha…" parroted Kotorra. "I see… so they're related."

"Hou…Sharingan." Grinned the shark-man. "You seem to be familiar with Itachi… Who is this guy?"

"My little brother." Replied Itachi.

"I heard the entire Uchiha clan was wiped out…by you."

Kotorra frowned. Is that it? Is this why Sasuke's the way he is? What kind of person would purposely do that to their own family?

"I've been wanting to say this for a long time…" Sasuke said, drawing everyone's attention back to him; a low chirping slowly getting louder as he gathered chakra into his left hand reaching their ears. "I've lived my entire life hating you and I've also lived only to kill you…"

"That technique again…" murmured Kotorra.

"I HAVE LIVED FOR THIS!" he roared and then rushed at his brother, Chidori screaming. He lunged.

Itachi grabbed Sasuke by the wrist and shoved the offending hand away from himself and into the wall, blowing a hole in it. Naruto made a low growling noise in his throat and started gathering chakra. Kotorra got that same prickling feeling she felt during the Chuunin exam.

_There it is again_. She thought. _It feels different from his usual chakra, it's actually frightening…_

Apparently, whatever Naruto was attempting also caught the attention of Sasuke, Itachi and his cohort.

"You're in the way…" Itachi said, and snapped his brother's wrist causing Sasuke to scream in pain.

"Sasuke!" cried Naruto. "Ninpo: Kuchiyose no…"

"Kisame."

"Ha!" the shark-man swung his sword.

"What the hell!"

"My Samehada eats chakra. Now that you can't use your jutsu you shouldn't be any more trouble. Now…" his voice took an even more sinister tone. "Should I chop off a leg or an arm?" Before he could even do anything a large Wolfhound slammed into his chest, knocking him backwards. The dog in question landed in a crouched position in front of Naruto and Kotorra.

"You don't seem to know me very well…I'm better at getting girls than they are at getting me." A voice said behind them.

"If you're going to lie at least make it believable you damned pervert." Spat Kotorra. Naruto added to the insults and he and Jiraiya got into a comical argument.

"So, it's one of the Legendary Sannin, the Great Jiraiya, is it?" sneered Kisame. "You like beautiful women, but we didn't think our ruse would fool you for long…"

"Eh, you know Ero-sennin's true identity?" gasped Naruto.

"What do you mean "true identity"?" scoffed Kottora. "It's not like he's Batman or anything."

"Batman?"

"Never mind."

"Anyway," Itachi interrupted. "it seems you've broken the genjutsu on that woman."

"Hmph." Jiraiya snorted. "What kind of man are you? Using your Sharingan on this poor woman just to draw me away. So I guess you are after Naruto after all."

"Ah, so that's how Kakashi knew about this… You were the informant. We were ordered to abduct Naruto for our organization…Akatsuki."

"You're not getting Naruto."

"Oh? Why do you say that?"

"Because I'm going to kill you. Right here, right now."

"Don't." wheezed Sasuke, slowly getting to his feet. "He's mine."

"I have no interest in you right now." Was Itachi's apathetic reply before viciously kicking Sauske into the wall. Kotorra looked away as older brother pummelled younger brother only venturing to look when she heard Sasuke scream.

"Sasuke!" she cried. Naruto, having seen enough, charged forward, Kisame following him and Bradley on Kisame's heels. And then the hallway turned fleshy.

"Ninpo: Gamaguchi Shibari." Jiraiya said. "Too bad Itachi, Kisame…You're in my stomach now. Naruto, Kotorra, Bradley don't move. This is my technique so you don't have to worry." Bradley changed to his (mostly) human form, surprising Kisame and Itachi.

"Old man, this is the most disgusting thing you've done yet." He said. "Ugh...the smell..."

"Kisame, let's go." Itachi intoned. Both ninjas made a break for it.

"You won't get away." Grunted Jiraiya, pressing his hands onto the fleshy floor. Suddenly, there was an explosion. Jiraiya and Naruto went to investigate while Bradley tended to Kotorra.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked.

"My gut's going to be sore for a little while but I'll live." The walls and floor returned to normal. "Let's check on Sasuke."

Bradley propped the boy against the wall while Kotorra tried to get him to respond, stopping short of outright insulting him.

"It's no use, he can't hear you." Jiraiya said, solemnly. The two turned to look at him as Naruto knelt down next to Sasuke, a distraught look on his face. The white-haired hermit then explained the Sharingan to the two Wild Cards and they grimaced.

"Horrifying…" Bradley whispered.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

"Gai!" chorused Jiraiya, Kotorra, and Bradley before the pervert was flying-kicked in the head. And that was the scene Gina walked in on when she came back withfour bags full of shopping.

_Well that does it for now. Next time, our friends continue their search for Tsunade, Naruto begins learning the Rasengan, and Jiraiya conducts an experiment with the Wild Cards._ _Also, a little bit of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours"…Not like that you ecchi!_


	13. Chapter 13

I cast Induce Haemorrhoids in Fangirls!

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Having handed Sasuke over to the dubiously capable hands of Gai (and confiscating Naruto's spandex suit and burning it), the group headed off towards the next town. As they walked, the Wild Cards chatted about events thus far.

"So, why do you suppose those guys were after Naruto?' asked Kotorra.

"No idea. You ever get the feeling you're being left out of some big secret?" yawned Bradley.

"It _is_ a ninja village. Naturally there will be all sorts of things we're not going to know about." Gina said, idly. "And when you think about it, we haven't been all that forthcoming about ourselves either."

"It would only serve to complicate matters." Shrugged Kotorra. "I don't think they'd react well to finding out that there are hundreds of civilizations, some of which think nothing of destroying entire worlds, zipping about in outer space while the rest of us are frantically trying to live our lives."

"What are you three mumbling about back there?" Jiraiya asked.

"We're mumbling about what a perverted bastard you are and mourning the loss of K's Smiter." Gina said, dryly.

"Hmph. Good riddance to that thing I say."

"You're just mad because Kotorra-san won't let you peep." Naruto said.

"How am I supposed to finish my book if I can't do any research?" grumbled Jiraiya. Kotorra made a face.

"Why is it that all the great minds in the world are freaks and perverts?"

"What do you mean?" blinked Gina.

"So you think I'm great, eh?" grinned Jiraiya. Both girls ignored him.

"Da Vinci, Socrates, Salvador Dali, Ernest Hemmingway…"

"Hemmingway? The guy who wrote boring books with needlessly long descriptive paragraphs? How was he a pervert?"

"He wasn't. He was a freak. Anybody that writes like that has got to be some kind of freak."

"What are you two talking about?" frowned Naruto.

"It would take too long to explain." Said Bradley. "Just know that deep down inside, all so-called geniuses are freaks and weirdoes."

"That I already know." The gennin rolled his eyes.

Arriving in town around mid-afternoon, Naruto and the Wild Cards were enthralled by the festival.

"We'll be staying here for now." Said Jiraiya. "Once the festival is over, Naruto, we'll begin your training but for now you guys enjoy yourselves."

"All right!" cheered Naruto, digging into his pack. He pulled out a fat wallet shaped like a frog.

"Oh hoo, you've got a lot of money there. Just like a government official, eh?" the sennin eyed the wallet appreciatively.

"I've been saving the money I made on missions. It's always good to save for a rainy day." The boy grinned. "See ya!"

"Not so fast!" Jiraiya grabbed Naruto's wallet and took out a small amount of money. "I'll hang onto this, and this is what you can spend."

"Eh? Only thirty ryou!"

"Don't you "eh" me. There are three sins a shinobi must avoid: alcohol, women, and money."

"Says the man who consistently commits all three at once." Chorused the Wild Cards.

"This isn't about me!" hedged the old man. "Here Naruto, I'll take your luggage and you take my bag in case I need to find you; the toads will track you with that. I'm going to gather information about Tsunade. Now go on."

Rolling their eyes at Jiraiya, Naruto, Kotorra, Gina, and Bradley wandered around the festival playing games, eating food, and buying souvenirs.

"Hey, hey let's get some grilled squid!" Naruto said, pointing at the stand.

"There's no way in hell I'm eating that." Gina made a face.

"Oh come on, Gina, where's your sense of adventure?" Kotorra poked her.

"It's taking orders from my sense of self-preservation. I'm not eating anything with more than four legs."

"Suit yourself. I'll take two adult ones."

"Ne, ne, I'll take this kind of squid cut into pieces." Naruto said. "Oh, and half the adult one!"

"And I'll take an adult one. We may as well get one for Jiraiya-san in case we run into him." Bradley said.

The quartet continued down the street until they heard Jiraiya's perverted laugh coming from a nearby bar. Glancing at each other they poked their heads in to see the old man reclining with two women on either side of him and sake in his hand. Naruto spotted his flat wallet on the table and glared.

"Ooh it's you guys," leered Jiraiya. "Did you enjoy the festival?" That was the straw that broke the camel's back as the blonde leapt onto the sannin and started hitting him.

"WHAT WAS ALL THAT EARLIER ABOUT THREE SHINOBI SINS? WHAT WAS THE POINT IN TELLING ME ABOUT THEM IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO BREAK THEM ALL ANYWAY? YOU SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON WOMEN AND BOOZE…"

"N…Naruto, calm down…This is just a misunderstanding…L…listen to me…"

At that moment, one of the grilled squid that Naruto was holding slipped from his grasp and went flying towards the door. Not wanting to be hit, the KGB ducked. Said snack then hit the coat of a man coming through the door. The man's bald associate, presumably his aide, immediately made a fuss.

"You brat! What are you going to do about this? You put a stain on Akoki-sama's designer suit! You'd better give me 100,000 ryou to pay for it!"

"That suit's worth 100,000 ryou?" gaped Naruto.

"Even if it is a designer suit, it's still pretty cheap looking." Jiraiya commented. The KGB nodded in agreement, watching the events unfold like one would watch a tennis match.

"What did you say you bastard!" yelled the bald man. "You'd better not mess with us! Akoki is a former chuunin from Iwaguakure! He's a legendary Yami-nin and someone to be feared!"

"Legendary you say…" hummed Jiraiya completely unconcerned.

"I'll show you what pain really is!" Akoki threatened, rushing towards the group. Kotorra and Gina immediately jumped behind Naruto while Bradley chose to duck behind the couch with the hookers.

"Naruto, pay close attention, this is the jutsu you'll be learning." Jiraiya thrust his right hand forward and into Akoki's gut. The man was sent spinning out the door, taking his partner with him. Both men crashed into the water balloon stand outside. One of the balloons came flying into the store and Jiraiya caught it.

"Woah…" breathed Kotorra. "What just happened?"

"Those guys were literally blown away." Blinked Gina.

"Ooohh yeah, that feels soooo good…." Sighed Bradley as the hookers scratched his ears.

"BRADLEY!" chorused Gina and Kotorra.

"Whaaat, a guy needs a little lovin' every once in a while…"

"I think you've spent too much time around Jiraiya." Gina said, hotly.

"No more than you…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

Outside, Jiraiya was procuring some water balloons. "Oi, you guys, let's go."

Once they were outside the town, Jiraiya pulled Naruto aside to explain the training to him. The Wild Cards stayed near a cluster of trees, giving the two their privacy. Once Jiraiya was finished with Naruto he came over.

"All right, now that he's out of the way there are some things I want you three to clarify for me. Sandaime didn't tell me anything about you three and at first, I just thought you would tell me on your own but I can't wait until we get into a dangerous situation before I find out. Naruto's told me what he knows but I still have some concerns…"

"Find out what exactly?" frowned Gina, not entirely sure she liked where this conversation was going.

"Jiraiya-san," Kotorra said, face completely blank. "what is it exactly that you want to know."

"Who are you really? Where did you come from and what do you intend to do here?" Jiraiya got straight to the point.

"You expect us to just open up and tell you that?" snorted Bradley. "What do we get out of it?"

"I think a trade is in order." Kotorra said, smiling eerily. "You tell us something we tell you something, but both parties have the right not to answer questions they don't want to."

"Seems fair enough." Jiraiya said. "Do you want to start or should I?"

"You first." Gina said.

"All right. You say you are from another world, what's it like?"

"Well, it's a lot more advanced than here in some aspects and in others it's pretty much the same except that we rely more on technology and don't use chakra." Kotorra said. "Why does everyone in Konoha get worked up over the mention of demons?"

"Twleve years ago a nine-tailed demon fox attacked and nearly destroyed the village. The Yondaime Hokage managed to defeat it but at the cost of his own life."

"Hmmm…" the three wild cards chorused.

"What are you?"

In answer to that question, they repeated the information they had given Sarutobi and Team 7, again omitting all references to extraterrestrials. If Jiraiya noticed the omissions he didn't say anything.

Bradley then asked the question that had been on their minds since they'd walked through Konoha for the very first time. Why did everyone look at Naruto with such cruel, cold eyes?

"I can't answer that, I'm sorry."

"All right then, why can't you tell us?" asked Gina.

"It's against the law. If you really want an answer you'll have to ask Naruto himself. Now I believe it's my turn to ask a question. What are your intentions in Konoha?"

"We're not completely sure yet." Sighed Bradley. "We came here under very strange circumstances and we have no idea if we'd be able to go back home. So I suppose the only thing we can do is help out how we can."

Jiraiya nodded at that. He was satisfied. His main concern since the start of this mission was why Sandaime had asked him to take three outsiders with him to retrieve Tsunade. Was he unsure as to their intentions towards the village? Jiraiya was even if Sarutobi wasn't. He needed to make sure, if only for his own piece of mind, that the three teenagers weren't trying to pull something. From what he could tell, they ad been honest with him and had mostly asked questions concerning Naruto's situation within the village. While he was sure there was something they weren't telling him, he was content to leave it for now. He wouldn't ask them about it now but if they did anything suspicious he would be sure to press the issue.

_Gah this was hard to write. Oh well, next chapter will focus more on the search for Tsunade._


	14. Chapter 14

And now, a rare moment of silliness at the office and a glance into the authoress' life.

Mrs. Cash: Bianca can you do me a favour and give this to Mrs. Demeritte? I'd do it myself but I have to go somewhere and I don't want to get stuck in there (hands me a folder).

Me: (looks at the folder, looks up at Mrs. Cash and gives puppy dog eyes) Why do you hate me?

Mrs. Cash, Mrs. Knowles, Me: (almost kill ourselves laughing)

And now on to the fic.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

A day had passed since Naruto had started the first stage of his new training. Jiraiya would disappear into town to gather information while the Wild Cards contented themselves with playing tourist, keeping Naruto's company, and having pointless conversations like this one:

"Even if there was an outbreak of Solanum here, it wouldn't have the opportunity to spread too much." Reasoned Gina. "I mean, after all, from what I understand this continent has samurai and ninja up the wazoo."

"Yes but what if they don't recognize the threat when they see it?" proposed Bradley. "Also, not knowing what they are dealing with they'd take the wrong approach and end up infected as well. Could you imagine the kind of chaos an infected ninja could cause? Dealing with a normal infected person is difficult enough."

"Which is exactly why we must remain vigilant." Kotorra said gravely. "Remember, "No place is safe, only safer.""

"But should an outbreak occur you must admit that they are much better equipped for handling such a situation." Gina said. "After all, despite what the movies say, decapitation or destruction of the brain, followed by cremation is the only way to truly be rid of a zombie. From what I've seen the ninjas are quite adept at that."

"True, but they don't know that." Bradley argued.

"Which is why we need to educate people on how to recognize a Solanum outbreak and how to deal with the infected." Said Kotorra.

Today's discussion was on zombie outbreaks (1) and whether or not the elemental countries would be able to handle one; yesterday was a debate as to the true purpose of the History Monks (2). Naruto, who was practicing about ten feet away from the trio as a safety precaution, would find himself in Zombie Survival 101 later that evening.

On the second day of Naruto's training, Gina decided to try creating a golem with mixed results. She'd only managed to produce a large boulder at her best attempt and petrified thirty square feet of grass at her worst. Despite the failures she did learn a bit more of what she was capable of.

During the same day, the trio dragged Naruto off to eat as they refused to allow the gennin to skip meals in favour of training.

"How do you expect to do anything if your body hasn't got the fuel?" reasoned Kotorra "Your brain and muscles need food to function properly!"

"But…Kotorra-saaaaaan…" whined Naruto.

"No buts unless it's yours in a chair in a restaurant!"

Truthfully, Naruto was glad for the interruption, it gave him a chance to contemplate the problem at hand. Thus far, he'd managed to get the water in the balloon to spin but he couldn't get it to burst. What was he missing? A hand connecting soundly with the back of his head broke him out of his thoughts.

"What the hell was that for!" he demanded. Gina grinned at him.

"Stop trying to force yourself to get the answer. It's probably staring you right in the face but you're looking so hard you can't see it."

"That makes no sense."

"Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get a different result doesn't make sense either." The hazel-eyed girl shrugged. "Now eat up."

Truth be told, Naurto didn't come up with a solution to his quandary until the following morning thanks to the inn's cat, Shu. If Jiraiya was impressed he didn't show it as he explained stage two of the training: bursting a rubber ball.

During this stage, the KGB spent less time around Naruto and more time looking for leads with Jiraiya. This was mostly done to make sure Naruto had as few distractions as possible as to make certain that Jiraiya himself didn't get distracted. In Bradley and Kotorra's mind, in a town this size it shouldn't be taking this long to find a lead. If there were no leads, why were they still hanging around here?

Sometime during one of these excursions, Naruto mastered the second stage of the training. Jiraiya and company arrived just in time to watch the boy be blown away by the force of the explosion.

"Heh, let's start the third stage quickly." He said.

"Not just yet, we're going to go meet Tsunade." Jiraiya said. "I'll explain the basics on the way."

Stage three consisted of an ordinary, air-filled balloon; what Naruto had to do now was combine the first two stages of the training an maintain that power into a tight ball without breaking the balloon. Naruto would continue the training while they walked. Once again the KGB found themselves engrossed in another pointless conversation…

"The only logical answer is purple." Insisted Bradley.

"No way. Dark blue makes more sense." Kotorra countered.

"You're both wrong. He'd turn grey." Gina said matter-of-factly.

Kotorra had decided to tell her two friends about her encounter with Kisame and Itachi in detail and Gina had become fixated on Kisame's unusual skin-tone and had wondered aloud what colour he would turn if one were to strangle him (3).

"Look, a person turns blue from lack of oxygen, right? Reasoned Kotorra. "It only makes more sense that they get even bluer than they already are."

Jiraiya shook his head at the trio's antics but soon found himself wondering what colour a suffocating Kisame would turn.

The city wasn't too far and they arrived late in the afternoon. They started searching in the nearest gambling establishment only to find that they'd just missed her. The next place they searched was the same result (with the added bonus of Naruto winning enough cash to refill his wallet at a one-armed bandit(4)).

"Wow, Naruto I've never seen anyone that lucky." Bradley congratulated him. "You'd probably clean up in Vegas."

"Vegas?" blinked Naruto.

"Yeah man, Las Vegas! There are casinos and strip clubs everywhere! And if that's not your thing there are theatres with magic shows, singers, and all sorts of other entertainment!"

"Sounds like a place Ero-sennin would like."

"Naruto, there is something for everybody in Las Vegas." Gina said.

"Have you ever been?"

"Once. My dad took me there and when I was eight and we went to two magic shows, a concert, and to the theme park."

"Theme park?"

Gina explained Six Flags to Naruto who was very excited when she told him about the rollercoasters. This in turn led to Bradley and Gina arguing over which theme park had the best rollercoasters. Kotorra tuned the three of them out and turned to Jiraiya.

"So where do we look next?"

"We'll resume the search from a high place. This city is under Tanzaku Castle so we'll go there."

However, when they did get there…

"Hey where's the castle?" asked Naruto.

"I smell reptiles…" sniffed Bradley. "_Big_ reptiles." This spurred Jiraiya into action. Ordering the KGB to stay put, he and Naruto went to investigate. Once again, they arrived too late; they had just missed Tsunade and, consequently, Orochimaru.

They searched the city until it got dark and then decided to get some food.

"But Ero-sennin, this is a bar!" protested Naruto.

"You don't have to drink just snack on the appetizers. Besides, information is usually found in places like this." Jiraiya said, suddenly pausing. "Tsunade!"

"Jiraiya…" a buxom blonde near the back blinked in surprise. "Why are you in a place like this?"

"Ha, we finally found you." Said Jiraiya.

"That pretty girl is the person we're looking for?" wondered Naruto. "She doesn't look fifty?"

"Smells fifty to me." Bradley said.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I've learned to trust my nose a lot more since I've been here and if that woman isn't fifty I'm a lemur."

"Lemur?"

"Let's just sit down."

The group had to get a larger booth due to there being more people than the booth Tsunade and her aide, Shizune, had been sitting at.

"Hmph, today I met somebody that brings back bad memories." Tsunade said, once the appetizers and drinks had arrived.

"Orochimaru? He's here too? Did he do anything?" asked Jiraiya. Shizune and Tusnade shared a quick look that didn't go unnoticed by the white-haired man, Kotorra and Bradley didn't miss it either. Gina was preoccupied with something going on near the bar and Naruto was busy eating.

"Just a greeting. But you, what brings you here? Why'd you come looking for me?"

It was then that Jiraiya revealed the purpose of their visit. Tsunade made an offhand comment that Orochimaru mentioned he'd tried to kill Sandaime which led to an outburst from Naruto, demanding to know just who exactly Orochimaru is.

"Settle down, Naruto." Kotorra tried to calm the blonde down. "You're drawing more attention than usual.

"Who are these kids?" asked Tsunade, she'd been wondering about them (especially the really strange one with the dog ears) and now was as good a time as any to ask.

"The blonde boy is Uzumaki Naruto." Jiraiya replied, if Tsunade was surprised she didn't show it. "The girl trying to get him to pipe down is Kotorra Lewis, the boy that looks like he's part dog is Bradley Davis, and the longer haired brunette is…. Eh? Where'd Gina go?"

Everyone looked around frantically until cheering at the bar drew their attention in that direction.

"_The man I loved, passed away! I know I will go with him to the crematory! Making a statement with my tragic outfit I'm holding back tears, like a riderless horsie_!"

"Oh dear Lord…" Bradley hid his face in his hands, while Kotorra just looked amused.

Gina had removed her hair tie and was sitting on the bar singing with a sake bottle in her hand.

"Gina you idiot!" yelled Bradley getting up from her seat, Kotorra close behind. Paying her friends no mind, the long-haired brunette continued to wail.

"_Alone in the night I sit here waiting! Left all alone, nursing my drink and my broken heart!_" at this point Bradley tried to grab Gina's sake. "Touch that and I'll bite your hand off!" She hissed. Bradley backed off. "_The wails of a tortured soul!_" The bridge of the song was lost as she seemed to forget the words. "_Nevermore…NEVERMORE to have you here next to me!_"

"I wish…" Kotorra muttered.

"_Buried in the same grave as my looooove! _(5)" and with that last note, she fell off her perch on the bar into Bradley's waiting arms.

"She's completely smashed." He commented. "What idiot gave her alcohol?" Several men near the end of the bar started whistling suspiciously.

When Kotorra and Bradley finally managed to get Gina away from the bar and the various drunken perverts that had been encouraging her, Tusande and Naruto were in the middle of a standoff; both looked ticked off.

"You and me, outside, now." Said Tsunade. The KGB looked at each other in confusion (especially Gina) and followed the others outside.

_And that's as far as this will go for the time being. As much as I'd like to keep going I really can't think of a way to write the next part that won't throw the timing off of this chapter (well, throw the timing off even more. The timing of this chapter is a little screwed up in my opinion)._

(1)Has anybody else read "The Zombie Survival Guide?" Why haven't you? Don't you know that the undead are everywhere? Fool!  
(2)Discworld!  
(3)This is basically just another version of the debate over what colour a Smurf turns when you strangle it.  
(4)In other words, a slot machine.  
(5)The song is from Phantom Quest Corp and I'm not completely certain that those are the lyrics.


	15. Chapter 15

"Oh boy, Dance of the Larch no Jutsu!"

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"Ladieees aaaand gentlemen…" drawled Kotorra. "It's fight night out here in…" she paused. "You know what, who cares where we are. Hello, I'm Kotorra Lewis."

"And I'm Bradley Davis." Nodded Bradley. "The drunk chick trying to convince me that she's not intoxicated…"

"I SWEAR TO DRUNK I'M NOT GOD!" screamed Gina.

"And we are eternally grateful for that." Deadpanned Kotorra.

"…is Gina McCartney." Bradley sighed. "It's a beautiful night for a fight and boy have we got a doozy for you: Uzumaki "The Tornado" Naruto versus "Rocket Boobs" Tsunade!" Kotorra hit him upside the head. "What?"

"What are you two doing?" Jiraiya asked.

"Running commentary. It's tradition. By the way, what are they fighting about?" Kotorra looked up at the white-haired man, curious.

"Tsunade basically insulted the Hokages and Naruto threatened to beat her up."

"Geez…so basically it's a schoolyard fight?"

"That's a pretty good way of describing it actually." Blinked Jiraiya.

Naruto and Tsunade, paying no attention to what was going on in the background, were staring each other down.

"Hmph. I'm one of the Legendary Three, I won't need to get serious to fight a little boy ninja." Tsunade said. "One finger is all I'll need for the likes of you."

"SHUT UP!" roared Naruto.

"He's pissed…" Bradley said.

"No. Gina's pissed, Naruto's ticked-off. Uh oh, I think he's serious, he's got a kunai…"

Before anyone could blink Naruto was disarmed and sent flying in the opposite direction. Bradley and Kotorra were in shock as was Naruto; Gina merely hiccupped and demanded somebody bring her a drink.

"Well, I suppose that's the end of that…" sighed Kotorra.

"Wait a minute, what's he…uh oh…" Bradley said. The next thing everyone knew Naruto was charging Tsunade again. The older woman looked momentarily surprised but quickly regained her wits.

"Take this!" roared Naruto. Tsunade quickly brought her index finger down onto the ground between herself and Naruto causing the boy to trip and slam his technique into the ground. Shizune quickly rushed to the boys side. Tsunade gave a cursory glance in their direction before fixing her gaze on Jiraiya.

"Jiraiya, was it you? Are you teaching him Rasengan?"

"Ah so that's what it's called." Mused Bradley. "I'd been wondering about that for a while…"

"And what if I am?" shrugged Jiraiya.

"Only two people have ever been able to use that technique: Yondaime Hokage, and you." Tsunade smirked. "Teaching him a technique he has no hope of mastering and calling yourself his teacher… that's why he's got foolish ideas of becoming Hokage. It would be much better for him if he didn't have such thoughts."

"IT'S NOT A JOKE YOU IDIOT!" yelled Naruto. "Watch me! I can master that technique in three days!"

"That's some big talk, brat. Don't make a promise you have no hope of keeping. A man can't take back his word."

"Heh. I never take back my words, that's my nindo." Naruto said, confidently. Tsunade got a scary look on her face.

"Is that so… then let's make a bet…" Shizune and Jiraiya immediately smacked their foreheads and even TonTon made a face. "I'll give you one week. If you can master that technique by that time I'll acknowledge that you have the ability to become Hokage and…" she brought a hand up to her neck. "I'll give you this necklace."

"But Tsunade-sama, that necklace is…" Shizune started to protest but was cut off by Naruto who stated that he didn't want an ugly necklace like that one. Jiraiya then revealed the true value and origin of the necklace getting impressed looks from Kotorra and Bradley. Gina had fallen asleep standing up sometime during the conversation.

Tsunade then told Naruto that if he couldn't master the jutsu she'll take all of his money. She held up his frog wallet.

"Gah! My froggy!" wailed Naruto.

Bet made and the wagers clear, Tsunade and Jiraiya went to get drinks. Shizune and the others went to find a hotel.

"Oooh these beds are soft, so much nicer than that last place we stayed at." Sighed Kotorra. Bradley put Gina in the bed on the opposite side of the room from where Kotorra was. Naruto was freaking out near the window.

"Gah! I only have one week to master that something-ran jutsu!"

"Rasengan, Naruto."

"Yeah, that."

"Well, we'll help you any way we can but hey, if you lose the bet we'll pay your rent and feed ya until you can pay your own way again."

"Thanks Kotorra, but you don't have to worry. I'm going to win that bet." He made a fist.

"That's the spirit!" A knock at the door put a halt on their conversation. Shizune poked her head in.

"I'm sorry for coming so late at night. Am I interrupting anything?" she asked.

"What are you doing here so late?" said Naruto. "I have to get up early to train tomorrow."

"Naruto, don't be rude." Kotorra smacked him upside the head. "Did you need something, Shizune-san?"

"I just, didn't want you to get the wrong impression of Tsunade-sama. Also, about that necklace…"

"Feh, who cares about that old lady…" snorted Naruto.

"Don't say that! Tsunade-sama isn't anything like what you're thinking! Don't talk about her as if you know her!" Kotorra raised an eyebrow at Shizune's outburst. "I…I'm sorry for yelling like that. Tsunade-sama wasn't always like this…"

It was then that Shizune told them the story about the necklace and how Tsunade lost both her brother and her lover. When she was through, Kotorra looked a bit distracted while Bradley was staring out the window. Naruto, however, didn't seem affected by the story at all.

"Naruto, where are you going?" Kotorra asked.

"I'm going to train."

"…be careful then."

The next morning, the KGB woke up to a hung-over Jiraiya and Gina.

"Ooh, who dropped a brick on me?" groaned Gina.

"Gina, it would take more than a brick to have any effect on that thick skull of yours." Snorted Bradley.

"Sledgehammer then." The girl sat up. Kotorra handed her a glass of water and a couple of pills.

"Here, Shizune left these for you last night."

"Thanks."

"What about me?" Jiraiya whined.

"What about you?" deadpanned Kotorra.

"You're cruel, Kotorra."

Sunday afternoon, the KGB hadn't seen hide nor hair of Naruto all week. Jiraiya assured them that the boy would be fine.

"This is something he needs to do on his own." The sennin said. "You'd only get in the way."

They knew he was right but they also knew they wouldn't feel any better until Naruto came back and showed Tsunade that he could perform Rasengan. Speaking of Tsunade, she wanted to meet with them…

"So what is it you wanted to talk to us about?" Gina asked, sipping her tea.

"My curiosity got the better of me." Tsunade said mildly, reaching for one of the sweet buns on the table. "When Jiraiya and I went out for drinks I asked him why you were accompanying him. From what I can tell you three aren't ninjas."

"That's right, we aren't." replied Kotorra. "Hokage-sama sent us along with Jiraiya and Naruto for our own safety. We're aren't from Konoha originally and people's first instinct after a crisis is to place blame on the outsiders, especially when the outsiders are as strange as we are."

"Not to mention that we hang out with Naruto. For some reason that makes people even more leery of us."

"You don't know why?" asked Tsunade.

"No." Bradley shook his head. "We asked Jiraiya about it but he said only Naruto could tell us since everyone else is forbidden to. We thought about asking Naruto about it but we figured he'd tell us about it when he's ready."

"What if he never tells you?"

"It wouldn't matter." Smiled Gina. "That kid's our friend and we'll respect his privacy even though it pisses us off."

"I see…"

"Go ahead and ask us already, we know you want to." Kotorra sighed. Tsunade looked startled.

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Oh come on, it's pretty obvious the three of us aren't normal." Snorted Bradley. "What you really want to ask is exactly what we are. We're not surprised, if we were in your position we'd do the same thing."

"Well since you know what I want to ask why don't you tell me…"

_Coming up next chapter, Sannin Reunion, Summon battle, and meddling kids! Oh boy!_


	16. Chapter 16

"Don't do crack kids. You'll wind up a ninja like me." – Kakashi, Naruto re-dub: Tree huggers.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"You expect me to believe a story like that?" Tsunade scoffed after the trio had told the highly edited version of their story.

"You expect people to believe that you're not fifty? Please, anybody within twenty yards of you could see those wrinkles!" snorted Gina.

"I do not have wrinkles!"

"Hate to break it to you, but yeah, you do. I don't know why all these people are humouring you but it's really quite sad." Kotorra said.

"What do you mean, humouring?" Tsunade asked. "Not even the Hyuuga can see through this genjutsu, it's flawless."

"What genjutsu? Everyone keeps talking about it but I have yet to see one." Huffed Gina.

Now this was puzzling. From what she heard from Jiraiya about the attack on Konoha, those three had been at the stadium at the onset of the invasion. Didn't he say there was a genjutsu cast on everyone inside? Only one way to find out…

"What about at the Chuunin Exam finals?" she asked.

"What about it?" countered Bradley.

"There was a mass genjutsu cast right before the attack started."

"Is that why everybody fell asleep? I thought it was something in the food…"

"We'd know for sure if you had let me get something to eat!" ranted Gina.

"Wait a minute, are you saying that was a genjutsu?" Kotorra interrupted.

"Exactly. It seems you three are immune to genjutsu, but that should be impossible."

"We're Wild Cards. Impossible is what we are."

"And you say there is a whole world of people like you?"

"I wouldn't say a whole _world_." Gina mused. "More like twenty percent of the population." To herself she added, "of course, that's just Earth not planet Takis. Genetically there's no difference between us but man I'd take a human murderer over a Takisian aristocrat any day." Kotorra stood up.

"I've gotta use the little girl's r…" she swayed slightly. "What's going on here? Why do I feel so di..zzy…"

"Kotorra!" Bradley caught her as she slumped back into her seat. "What's wrong? Are you…Oh…now I don't feel so good." And he joined his friend in unconsciousness, Gina wasn't too far behind. She vaguely heard Tsunade say "Sorry for this."

There were voices downstairs; voices yelling. They had woken her up from a sound sleep. Blearily she looked at the clock on the nightstand. Two twenty in the morning. She took a glance at the bed next to hers. No surprise, her brother was still asleep. That boy would probably sleep through a nuclear strike.

Still half asleep, she made her way down the stairs towards the sound of the yelling. The sight before her woke her up completely. Her parents had been duct taped to chairs and a large man standing over them with a knife.

"Mom! Dad!"

"Kotorra! Run away!" her father yelled. The burly man, dressed in a black jacket and dark blue jeans, turned his attention to her.

"Well, aren't you a pretty little thing. Come down here and let me have a better look at you."

She shook her head, frightened.

"I said come here you brat!" he advanced towards her.

"N..no! NO! Go away! Leave us alone!" she yelled.

"Run! Kotorra!" her mother cried, frantically struggling against her bonds. "RUN!"

"There's nowhere to run little girl…" leered the man.

She was so scared. Her legs wouldn't obey her. She stood there frozen as the man got closer and closer. He reached out his hand.

"NO! GO _AWAY_!" she screamed, her hands flying up to her face. To her time seemed to speed up around her, she heard the strange man cry out. Blackness. Silence.

She heard voices again but these were different.

"…heal your arms but you leave the village alone."

What the hell? That's Tsunade's voice. Slowly, Kotorra opened her eyes.

She was lying on the ground on her side facing a stone wall. Internally she cursed; she couldn't see what was happening.

"I see you've kept your side of the bargain. But it seems that you've brought an extra. Is there a third person you wish brought back, Tsunade?"

Okay, now who is that?

"No. The third one is in exchange for the village. I wasn't going to make that condition without something to use as collateral."

On the ground, Kotorra was silently seething. "You'd better pray I don't get loose. Ninja or not, you're dead bitch…"

"Well then, shall we get started?"

She could hear the footsteps as Tsunade and the mystery man walked towards each other. "Damn, I can't let this continue…" hissed Kotorra.

"Yo, K are you awake?" Bradley whispered.

"Brad? Can you see what's going on?"

"No, but someone's coming. Let's hope they're here to help."

They both heard the kunai hit the ground, and both Tsunade and the other person jump backward.

"What is this? You come this far only to betray me…Tsunade?" there was a brief pause. "Your observation skills are as sharp as ever, Kabuto."

"Thank you, Orochimaru-sama."

Both teenagers were relieved and confused. If she was trying to kill him then why the hell did she tie them up and bring them with her? Questions like that could wait until they weren't tied up anymore and they were far away from there. While Tsunade and Orochimaru spoke, Bradley turned himself into a Chihuahua.

The ropes fell off him as he trotted over and gnawed Kotorra's ropes and then they both freed Gina.

"Come on G, wake up. You can't sleep here." Kotorra slapped the shorter girl.

"Ow!"

"Sssh!" Bradley warned, motioning to the scene playing out behind him. Gina's eyes widened before donning a slightly confused look.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"We don't have time to explain that now. Let's get out of here and find Jiraiya."

"You three aren't going anywhere." A voice behind them said. All three immediately turned to face the direction of the speaker to find a grey-haired young man looking at them and adjusting his glasses.

"We'll see…" muttered Bradley, changing into a pit bull and launching himself at Kabuto. This did not go unnoticed by Orochimaru.

"A ninken?" he scowled.

"Not exactly." Smirked Tsunade. "Come, Orochimaru." And she launched herself at him.

Kabuto was finding it very difficult to fend off both an angry, oversized pit bull and Gina's bare hands. The first time he'd dodged Gina he had no idea that one touch from her and He'd noticed, however, that Kotorra was hanging back, quite possibly to run for help. That could not be allowed. He prepared his jutsu and waited for the right opportunity to strike.

Gina lunged at Kabuto hoping to catch him around the waist. The silver-haired Sound-nin was having none of that, stepping to one side and slashing her right shoulder with his hand. Not waiting to see if his strike was successful, he ducked to avoid Bradley's teeth and slammed his hands into his back. Once both attackers were incapacitated, he went after Kotorra.

"Damn it, I can't outrun this mofo." Kotorra moaned. Fortunately she didn't have to. Kabuto was knocked back by a surprise attack from… "Jiraiya! Thank God! Where the hell were you?"

"Sorry for the delay." Said Jiraiya. "Are you guys all right?"

"I'm fine. G and Brad need help."

"Mm. Shizune, attend to those two. Naruto, watch her back. I'll deal with pretty boy here."

"You flatter me, Jiraiya-sama." Smirked Kabuto.

"We'll see if you still think that with my foot up your ass."

"Ugh, that sounded so wrong." Deadpanned Kotorra.

Shizune quickly patched up the other two Wild Cards. Kabuto had missed Bradley's spine but his technique damaged the muscle tissue. Kotorra's left arm was dangling limply, the bones separated at the shoulder.

"How did you three get here in the first place?" Shizune asked, as she reattached Gina's arm.

"Your crazy teacher drugged us. When we woke up, we were here and she was offering us in exchange for whatever it is that creepy dude offered her." Gina replied, wincing a bit as the medic-nin worked on her arm. "The next thing we know that Orochi-whatsis guy is mad because Tsunade apparently tried to kill him and Kabuto is trying to kill us."

"All right, you all stay put. This is going to get ugly."

"No way! I'm going to fight too!" Naruto declared.

"No you're not! This is too much for you. Stay here." And she went to join Tsunade.

Kabuto rejoined Orochimaru and they faced off against Tsunade, Shizune, and Jiraiya.

"How poetic, a reunion of the sannin." Sneered Orochimaru

"This is the last time we three shall meet together. After this there will be only two sannin." Tsunade declared.

"Kuchiyose no jutsu!" Three giant plumes of smoke erupted, when it cleared the Wild Cards were stunned.

"Holy crap…" breathed Bradley.

"Manda and Orochimaru…Tsunade and Katsuyu. Jiraiya, what's this? You havin' some kind of weird reunion?" asked the giant, red toad. The other part of the conversation was lost to those on the ground. The toad and the anaconda started insulting each other and then it was on.

Shaking herself, Gina turned to her friends and put her hands on her hips. "Well guys we have too options: we can stay here where it's safe, or we can ignore all sense of self preservation and help fight the evil snake guy."

"Hey, wait a minute, what's this "we" business?" scowled Naruto. "You guys aren't ninja, you'll get hurt."

"Being a ninja and not getting hurt are mutually exclusive, even if we stay out of this mess there's no guarantee we won't get hurt. You can get hurt just staying in your house." Bradley pointed out. "Although, I think you should stay out of this one Kotorra. No offence but…"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm useless and I'll just get in the way." Kotorra sighed dejectedly.

"I didn't say that."

"But it's essentially what you were going to say. Face it, I'm no use in a fight."

"K…" Gina started to put her arm around Kotorra's shoulder but the taller girl pushed her away.

"No, it's okay. I'll try not to get underfoot." She gave a watery smile. "Now go kick some ass." Naruto handed her a kunai. "What this for?"

"Just in case." He said.

"Katon: Gama Yuendan!" A jet stream of fire raced towards Orochimaru and Manda at blazing speed, connecting in a volcanic explosion. Unfortunately the snake shed its skin and attacked Gamabunta from behind. Then Tsunade was there with the toad boss' sword. It would have pinned the giant snake's mouth shut had Kabuto not warned Manda of the incoming attack. Instead, the sword was driven into the earth two feet away. Orochimaru used the distraction to wrap his tongue around Tsunade's neck, Manda preoccupied himself with Jiraiya and Gamabunta.

They were all so preoccupied with fighting that they didn't notice the three teenagers riding the horse-sized greyhound charging towards them until it was too late.

"Get ready!" yelled Gina to Naruto and his clone as she tore her gloves off.

The greyhound closed in one the snake. Five feet, three feet, at a foot away, Bradley came to a sudden stop and bucked, launching Gina (with her hands palm out) straight at the snake.

"Banzai!" she roared, slamming straight into the snake hands first. Immediately, it's scales petrified starting from the point of contact and spreading over Manda's body. She started to fall but was caught by Gamabunta's tongue.

"What is this!" Manda screamed, finding it more and more difficult to move and somehow unable to shed his skin. However, that was the least of his problems as Naruto wasn't waiting for him to petrify the whole way.

Using Bradley as a springboard, he launched himself upward, a swirling maelstrom of wind in his hand.

"Impossible!" yelled Orochimaru. Tsunade was just as surprised.

"Is that…"

"RASENGAN!" Naruto roared, slamming his hand into Manda's petrified side.

Manda screamed and writhed in pain, cursing Orochimaru and threatening revenge before disappearing. Orochimaru, knowing he was at a disadvantage, called Kabuto to his side.

"You may have won the battle, but this victory will be far from sweet." Hissed the snake sannin as he started making handseals.

"Look out!" yelled Tsunade, recognizing the sequence.

"Katon: Karyu Endan!"

A large, dragon-shaped flame shot out of Orochimaru's mouth. Fortunately for those in the immediate vicinity, they were able to jump out of the way. Unfortunately, they weren't the target…

"Kotorra!" screamed Gina.

The short-haired brunette stared, wide-eyed as flaming death came roaring towards her. "Is this how it all ends?" she thought. "I don't want to die…" Everyone could only watch helplessly as she was engulfed in flames.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Enraged, Naruto turned to kick the shit out of Orochimaru only to find that he was gone.

The smoke was starting to clear at the site of the explosion, and everyone was expecting the worst. When it finally dissipated the expressions on their faces varied from relief to outright awe.

Kotorra was standing, unharmed in the middle of a small crater. Her hands were gripped in front of her chest clutching the kunai and her eyes were shut tight. That wasn't what had everyone so shocked.

Surrounding her, was what looked like a dense soap bubble. It rippled and rolled like mercury and there was some kind of electric blue discharge around it. Hesitantly, Bradley called out to Kotorra. Her eyes snapped open and the bubble suddenly turned in on itself; shrinking down and opening from the top down. It coalesced into a black ball in the area where the short-haired brunette was holding the kunai, pulsed once, and then exploded outward in a shockwave of white light.

Silence reigned and then…

"I've lived a very long time…" murmured Gamabunta. "and in all my days I've never seen anything like that."

Gina, Bradley, and Naruto raced towards their friend who seemed to still be in shock.

"Kotorra, Kotorra are you all right? How did you do that? What _was_ that?" Naruto blathered, excitedly.

Kotorra didn't answer, opting instead to stare at the kunai in her hand. When Naruto had given it to her, it looked a little worse for wear. Now, it looked like it was a hundred years old. Very softly she asked, "What just happened?"

_I worked very hard on this chapter (re-writing it a total of thirty-four times), I hope you enjoyed it. Next time, the journey back to Konoha._


	17. Chapter 17

"Action Bastard! Bastard Beam!"

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Kotorra fell unconscious after attempting to walk back to the town. Naturally everyone was worried but a quick diagnostic scan by Shizune showed that she was only fatigued. Once they were back at the hotel and the brunette was put to bed, Jiraiya contented himself with yelling at the remaining teenagers.

"And the next time I tell you to stay put…"

"You expect us to stay in one place on an active battlefield without even a foxhole to hide in?" glared Bradley. "Maybe you didn't notice but we were standing in an open field with no secure cover. Standing around wouldn't have been a good idea." Naruto nodded vehemently.

"Maybe so, but you shouldn't have gotten involved in the battle. What would have happened if Kotorra hadn't done, whatever that was?" None of them had an answer to that but Shizune had a question.

"What exactly did she do?" Everyone turned to look at the sleeping form on the bed.

"But Hordash, I hate Mycroi, can't I study Talarkian instead?" Kotorra mumbled and rolled over onto her side. Bradley shook her head and Gina gave a small smile. If the girl was dreaming about their training days she'd be all right.

In the morning it was as if nothing had happened. Jiraiya got chased by Kotorra and Gina for peeping on them in the bath, Naruto and Tsunade got into a small scuffle outside the hotel, TonTon and Bradley had an interesting conversation that no one else understood, and now they were all on their way back to Konoha.

"When we get back to Konoha, I'm going straight to Ichiraku Ramen!" grinned Naruto. "I'll have shrimp ramen first. No, wait, maybe pork ramen would be a better start…"

"Aww, and here I was hoping we could fix you up a big dinner at our little take out place." Said Gina.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, after all, we have to celebrate a mission successfully completed. We could make a party out of it! A celebration of the inauguration of the Godaime Hokage! Kotorra, you'll have to make something special."

"Yeah, even better than what your mom did for my birthday last year." Bradley said.

"I don't think anybody could top that." Chuckled Kotorra. "But if you're good I'll make ox tail soup and potato bread."

"Whoo! Potato bread!" cheered Bradley and Gina.

"Since Sasuke'll probably still be in the hospital, let's use his house!" grinned Gina.

"I don't think Sasuke will let us use his house." Naruto pointed out.

"Who said anything about him letting us use it?"

"Won't he get mad?"

"Not if he never finds out." Gina winked. Kotorra rolled her eyes.

"We're not breaking into his house Gina. Remember the last time we broke into somebody's house when they weren't home and had a party?"

"Hey, we wouldn't have gotten caught if that damned cat lady hadn't snitched on us!"

"We should stop at the nearest town and send word back to the village that we're bringing back Tsunade." Suggested Jiraiya.

"You just want to stop because you know the nearest town has several onsens." Snorted Tsunade. "You're not fooling anyone."

"Hmph, you also forget the next town also has several casinos."

"Like I said, we should stop."

Naruto, Shizune, and the KGB groaned and shook their heads. Those two were so predictable.

"Aaaaah…" the women sighed as they sunk into the bath. Tonton was sunning herself on the porch.

"I could stay in here forever…" Kotorra said, squirming a bit in the water like a happy puppy.

"I wouldn't recommend it." Said Shizune. "Eventually the heat gets to everybody."

"It's hard to enjoy it when you know that pervert is around." Groused Tsunade.

"Relax, Booby-baa!" Gina grinned and ducked as Tsunade threw a punch at her. "It's cool."

"Don't call me "Booby-baa"! And what do you mean?"

"We sicced Bradley on him. He'll go completely rottweiler on his ass if he even looks in this general direction. And why can't I call you Booby-baa? Naruto calls you Tsunade-baachan."

"That's different."

"Doesn't seem that way to me."

"If you call me that again you're a dead girl."

Nobody said anything for a while as they relaxed in the soothing hot water. And then…

"…Booby-baa."

"DIE!"

Kotorra shook her head. Never a dull moment with that nutty girl around.

"Hey Booby-baa, you like birds?" Gina yelled.

"What?" raged Tsunade and then turned several shades of red when Gina flipped her off. "Why you insolent brat! Come here, I'm gonna shove that finger so far up your…"

"But I don't like women like that Booby-baa!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHH!"

"Booby-baa!" Gina swam away from Tsunade.

"Damn it hold still so I can drown you!"

"Gina! Don't swim in the bath!" Shizune said.

"Nobody's watching, Shizune-san!" Gina laughed.

"Why does she get a Shizune-san and I get Booby-baa!" screeched Tsunade.

"We really ought to stop them." Shizune said worriedly.

"I say let her have her fun, I don't remember the last time I got kicked out of somewhere because of Gina." Deadpanned Kotorra. Shizune looked horrified. "I was joking Shizune-san, there's no need for that expression. Hey Gina, I'm going to get something to eat do you want to come with?" Said girl narrowly avoided getting hit over the head with a bathhouse bucket.

"What kind of question is that? Of course I want food!" The two got out of the water leaving a fuming Tsunade and a confused Shizune in the onsen.

A few blocks away, Bradley had come to a compromise with Jiraiya. He could peep in every onsen except the one Tsunade and the girls were in, but he and Naruto would not help him when he got caught. True to their word, they sat in a tree and watched while Jiraiya got the daylights beaten out of him. That's when Gina and Kotorra passed by.

"Geez…" groaned Kotorra. "Why can't you stay out of trouble you lecherous old man!"

"Kotorra-san, Gina-chan, help!" cried Jiraiya.

"Certainly…" both girls got malicious grins on their faces and started helping their fellow females beat up Jiraiya.

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Bradley chanted.

Once the women were satisfied that the white-haired lecher had been suitably punished, Naruto, Kotorra, Bradley, and Gina dragged the old man towards a restaurant.

Jiraiya woke up in the middle of the meal to find the teenagers had already ordered for him. Confused but not one to turn down food when it is offered, he dug in. The quartet regarded him for a moment and then went back to eating their food and making plans for the party they were going to throw when they got back to Konoha.

"Finally awake I see." Mumbled Bradley around his pork chop.

"Traitor." Groaned Jiraiya. "How could you just throw me to the women like that?"

"Very easily, I like my manhood where it is. Plus I live with those two." He jerked a thumb at Kotorra and Gina.

"You're no help."

"I wasn't aware I was supposed to."

"It's no use Jiraiya he's one of us!" Gina said around a mouthful of beef and rice. "Unless we're completely in the wrong he'll never side with anyone else."

"Heck, even if you were I'd probably side with you anyway. Dog genes and all that." Bradley finished off his plate. "Well, I'm done."

"Same here." Nodded Kotorra.

"Aah, that was good." Sighed Naruto, patting his stomach.

"Well since we're done eating, do you want to explore the town some more?" Gina proposed. "I need dessert and this place doesn't sell sweets."

"Fine by me." Shrugged Kotorra. "Let's go guys." The teenagers exited the restaurant, Jiraiya watched them go.

"Well since they're leaving, I guess I'll go do some research." Grinned Jiraiya.

"Ahem." The waiter coughed. "The young lady with the ponytail said you would be taking care of the bill."

"GINA!"

Out in the streets…

"Do you think we should've stuck Ero-sennin with the bill?" asked Naruto.

"A better question is should we have ordered more food?" Kotorra said flatly, her two companions nodding in agreement.

_In the next chapter we go back to Konoha. Tsunade, Naruto, and Shizune head to the hospital, the KGB go see the Hokage, and Jiraiya goes peeping._


	18. Chapter 18

"Bob, I'm well-dressed and invincible I don't have to explain myself to you." – Expendable Joe, True Magic

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Walking through the gates of Konoha after being away for so long was a bit surreal, especially now that construction was fully underway. Tsunade was noticeably disturbed at the amount of damage that had been done.

"You'd better head for the hospital." Jiraiya told her. "Naruto can go with you since I know he'll want to be there when Sasuke wakes up. We'll let the old man know that you're back." Naruto shot him a grateful smile.

"Come on baa-chan let's go!"

"Gaki! Don't call me that!"

"Just come on! You have to help Geijimayu, Kaka-sensei, and Sasuke-teme!" One he Shizune, and Tsunade were out of earshot, Jiraiya turned his attention to the KGB.

"All right you three, let's go." Said Jiraiya.

"Yeah, I feel really sweaty, I think I'm gonna head to the onsen." A pretty, young kunoichi said to her friend as they walked by.

"I'll join you." Her friend said.

"On second thought, you guys go see Sandaime. I'll resume my research." grinned the lecher and suddenly disappeared.

"Damn perv." growled Kotorra. "How irresponsible can he be?" she gave a heavy sigh. "Oh well, there's nothing for it now, let's go see Sandaime-sama."

The Hokage was in a meeting so they had to sit outside his office until it was over which didn't take too long. A chuunin ushered them in.

"It's good to see you are well." Nodded the Hokage.

"You're looking better Hokage-sama." Kotorra smiled.

"Did you enjoy your journey?"

"Depsite all that went on, I'd say so."

"Oh? What happened?"

Kotorra then told him the events as they transpired starting with Itachi and Kisame tracking Naruto to the hotel, and ending with the fight between the sannin.

"This is very troubling news." Said the Hokage. "Itachi is a missing-nin of this village and the fact that he is targeting Naruto specifically is even more disturbing. It was most fortunate that they failed in their attempt. However, I am curious as to how you were able to fend off Orochimaru's last attack Kotorra."

"That is something I haven't been able to figure out yet." Sighed Kotorra. "I'm not completely sure what happened. I closed my eyes when I saw that flame coming at me, and when I opened them again I was fine."

"That kunai Naruto gave you was rusted six ways to Sunday though." Bradley pointed out.

"Yeah…I don't know why, but I got a weird feeling of déjà vu when I saw it."

"Well, I wouldn't worry too much about it." Drawled Gina. "For all we know you could've upgraded like I did."

"You haven't been able to pull off that golem thing since the attack though."

"True, but I can petrify a lot more in one go now. As soon as I get to the point where I don't need my gloves anymore I'll be golden."

"As much as I hate to change the subject," the Hokage interrupted. "I have some news for you…"

Outside the Hokage's office, Asuma was making his way to the Hokage's office to visit his father when a loud "REEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH!" erupted from the room, followed by the door bursting open and two girls riding a seven foot long, Maned Wolf came barrelling down the hallway. He watched them go dazedly.

"What was that about?" he wondered aloud.

They stood staring at the building like supplicants before a shrine.

"Who...when did…" sputtered Kotorra.

"Oh hell yeah!" cheered Gina.

"Holy crap…holy craaap…" murmured Bradley.

While they were gone, somebody had taken the liberty of turning their humble little stand into a full-sized restaurant.

"I see you're surprised." An easy tenor said. The trio turned around, startled.

"Iruka!"

Inside the remodelled restaurant, Iruka, Gina, and Bradley sat down in a booth while Kotorra went into the kitchen to make some tea. Gina chose to sit next to Iruka. Bradley smirked at this and Gina stuck her tongue out at him. Iruka looked between the two, a bit confused at the exchange.

"So," drawled Bradley, dispelling the awkwardness for the chuunin. "who redecorated?"

"Some villagers found out that you guys had left the village and thought it would be a good idea to burn down your restaurant since the Hokage had ANBU posted at your apartment. He didn't want you guys and Naruto come home to ashes." Sighed Iruka. "We should've placed some at here too. Honestly, we didn't think they would attack this place."

"People can be cruel." Nodded Bradley, frowning slightly. Wondering to himself, and not for the first time, what was it about Naruto that warranted such attacks. He understood why they were targets, but not the motivation behind targeting their young, blonde friend.

"Sad but true. Anyway, Kurenai and Asuma's team, Gai and the remainder of his team, Sakura, myself, and Konohamaru all got together and decided to rebuild the place good as new. Even Ebisu and Hokage-sama helped where they could."

"You guys went through all this trouble just for us?" blinked Gina. "But we're not even ninjas, or Konoha citizens for that matter!"

"True, but you are our friends." Iruka stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "And you can't honestly say you wouldn't do the same for any of us if you could."

"Well you've got us there." Laughed Bradley. "Still, it would've taken us forever to repair the damage ourselves, especially on my salary. We owe you guys big time."

"I suppose this means I'll have to make an even bigger feast then." Kotorra said, as she walked in with the tea tray. "And since you guys were kind enough to expand the place, we can hold the party here."

"Hell yeah, and it will be an exclusive party too! Only those on the guest list can enter!" Gina smiled. "We'll make it the most off the chain party Konoha has ever had!"

"You guys were planning on having a party?" Iruka asked. "What for?" The KGB simultaneously got big, silly grins on their faces.

"As much as we'd love to tell you Iruka-san, it would spoil the surprise." Chuckled Bradley. "Although I can guarantee you that we won't be the only ones that will want to celebrate…"

_Meh, I think I'll end it there for now. Next chapter: Fuzzy-brows and Asshat get visitors, Naruto and Sasuke almost get into a fight, and a brief interlude in Rice Country…_


	19. Chapter 19

Is it weird in here or is it just me?

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"Pardon me!" Shizune called from the doorway. Iruka and the KGB waved at her with their free hands, as they were currently sipping tea and eating cookies. "Oh, am I interrupting?" Bradley shook his head.

"Not at all. Would you like some tea?"

"That would be great, but I actually came here to let you all know that Tsunade has finished treating your friends and you can go and visit them."

"Hmm… do I want to see Asshat?" Gina mused aloud.

"Gina…" Bradley rolled his eyes.

"Okay, okay I'll behave."

"We'll go after I fix some super hot curry for Lee." Kotorra said.

"I'm sure he'll like that." Shizune smiled, it didn't reach her eyes. "But aren't you going to make something for Sasuke too?"

"That Asshat? I suppose I can fix him some tomato soup although knowing his crabby disposition I'm going to need a funnel so I can pour it down his throat."

After getting dirty looks from some of the hospital staff, the trio went up to Lee's room and were very surprised to see him depressed.

"Oh, Kotorra-san, Gina-san, Bradley-san, you came to visit me?"

"Yeah," Gina tried to be upbeat. "K brought some of her curry for you because…you know…hospital food sucks. Too healthy."

"Thank you." Lee said, taking the proffered food gratefully.

While Lee ate, Bradley and Gina talked to him; Kotorra was more interested in his medical chart. She didn't like what she saw. Bone fragments were lodged all up and down his spinal cord. If he tried to continue with his ninja career in his current state, he'd die. No wonder he was depressed. Lee noticed what she was looking at and gave a weak smile.

"Don't worry, Tsunade-sama says she can perform surgery and I'd be as good as new."

"Lee…" Kotorra shook her head and then smiled faintly. "eat your soup. You can't get better if you don't eat."

"Hai."

"We're going to go visit Asshat now. You get some rest, and we'll see you later." Gina said.

"Okay, give Sasuke my regards."

The scene in Sasuke's room was much tenser. When they stepped into the open door, Naruto and Sasuke were staring each other down, Sakura was looking between them, and a plate of sliced apples lay discarded and broken on the floor. None of them seemed to notice the KGB standing in the doorway.

"Shut up and fight me!" snapped Sasuke. "Did you think you helped me? You and that stupid old woman butting into other people's business…"

"What are you saying?" glared Naruto as Sasuke got out of the bed.

"Sauske, what's wrong with you? Naruto, tell him to stop!" Sakura cried.

"Actually, I want to fight him as well…" said Naruto. Before Sasuke could reply, Kotorra decided to make her presence known.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE!" she yelled. Gina and Bradley jumped backward, startled at the sudden outburst. The three gennin suddenly realized that they had an audience and joined the two jokers in staring at the furious young woman

"Kotorra-san?" blinked Naruto.

"Stay out of this, this has nothing to do with you." Glared Sasuke.

"The hell it doesn't! We went through a hell of a lot of trouble to bring back a doctor to help your egotistical ass and I'll be damned if you get out of that bed before you're better!"

"I didn't ask for your help."

"Of course not. How could you? You were under your brother's damn spell. At any rate, just because you didn't ask for our help don't think that means we shouldn't give it. It's that kind of pig-headed thinking that put you in the hospital in the first place, or is your head so far up your ass you can't see that?"

"You don't understand anything! How could you possibly understand?" Sasuke snarled back.

"The only thing don't I understand is how you think killing your brother is going to help anything! Or did you forget that I was there during your little family reunion?" she got a glare in response. "I understand that you think that you've got to get revenge. I understand that you believe you'll feel better once he's dead. Tell me, what will killing him really accomplish? Once he's dead then what? What the hell makes you think that your life will magically become better once you manage to kill him? The only thing you'll get is his blood on your hands and the knowledge that you're just…like…him."

"I am nothing like him."

"No, you're worse. You're a coward who is too afraid to live his own life and prefers to hide in the past." Sasuke looked stunned. "You're parents are dead. You're still breathing but you act like a walking corpse. You don't get stronger fighting for the dead, you get stronger fighting to protect what you still have, even if the only thing you've got is your own life." She grabbed him by the collar and with a strength nobody knew she possessed, hauled him up to eye level her hands were glowing purple. "I don't know what went on in that head of yours while you were unconscious, but right now, you've got two choices, Asshat: you either stay in that bed willingly, or I put make sure you don't leave it under your own power. (1)" She tossed him onto the cot and the purple glow subsided. Kotorra didn't seem notice it had been there at all. Sasuke stared at her like she was the Devil himself. "And as for you…" she rounded on Naruto. "I don't know what you and Sasuke's deal is but it can wait until he's out of the hospital. Got it?" Naruto nodded, shakily. "Good."

"K…Kotorra-san…" whispered Sakura as the older girl approached her. Kotorra handed her a bowl of soup.

"Make sure he eats it. I'm going for a walk." She walked past her friends and left.

"Maybe we should follow her." Naruto suggested.

"Right now I think it's best if we left her alone. You saw her hands." Said Gina. "Geez, I've never seen her so angry. Not even that time I broke her hover board and blamed it on the Bradley in the seventh grade."

"That was you?"

"Er…"

Elsewhere, in Ta no Kuni and more specifically in Otogakure, Kabuto was showing Orochimaru something in an examination room.

"A couple of our agents found him wandering the border of Kusa no Kuni and Hi no Kuni. He doesn't seem to understand our language."

"Get to the part where I'm supposed to be interested, Kabuto."

The spy sighed. Orochimaru had been getting less and lees patient since the Sandiame had forced him into changing bodies sooner than he desired. He walked over to the examination table where a tall man was heavily restrained.

"This person does not have an inner coil system, or at least not a normal one, and has no chakra at all." He ran a hand over the person's exposed neck. The figure flinched and suddenly, knives protruded out of his arms and legs. "And yet he is capable of _this_."

Orochimaru gave a cruel smile. "Is that so?"

"What did I say all those things for?" Kotorra groaned into her hands. "Why do I care what he does." A face flashed into her mind and she grimaced. "Tyler…is he going to end up like you did?"

_Who or what did Orochimaru's spies find? What is Orochimaru going to do? Who is Tyler? Will Kotorra's bad mood put a damper on the party? Keep checking back here for more._

1) What do you think? Did I get enough rage in there? And for those of you who think Sasuke could've kicked Kotorra's ass, he probably could've if he was thinking properly and not completely blind-sided by the girl's unbridled rage.


	20. Chapter 20

Wow, I'm on a roll… I suppose you can think of this chapter as Kotorra Gaiden,.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Kotorra, Gina, and Bradley were scouted by a Network agent after finishing junior high school and, instead of going to a normal high school, and were sent to one of the Network Academies that had been set up twelve years after Earth was targeted by the Swarm in 1986. It was six months after being recruited that they met him.

His first name was Tylerissan brant Orikel sek Kalru sek Avareluvar sek Niktal. His full name would take the better part of forty-five minutes to recite. It wasn't unusual; he was a Takisian after all. Even his outlandishly bright, colored, Victorian-esque clothing and metallic blue hair wasn't unusual. No, what was unusual was that he was working with the Network, an organization loathed by Takisian society as a whole (and the feeling is somewhat mutual, most members of the Network don't want anything to do with Takisians either).

When he was introduced to them, Kotorra stuck out her hand and said, "Nice to meet you, Tyler." He scowled at her and asked her what it was with humans and shortening the names of any Takisian they came across (1). She said that Tylerissan was too hard to pronounce and the rest was too much to remember for proper conversation. Gina wanted to call him Napoleon because he was short and always had a hand in his coat.

The Network had many branches, such as research and development, the medical corps., various scientists, an army, pilots, and even lawyers. (2)

Kotorra and Tylerissan were placed under the tutelage of a Network agent named Hordash and were being taught basic interplanetary diplomacy, common galactic languages, trade routes, and how to operate and maintain standard issue Network equipment. Bradley was sent to work with one of the xenozoology groups (3). Gina was sent to work with an agent named Krugger but was essentially learning the same things Kotorraa and Tylerissan were. Well, most things. Tylerissan was also being taught by one of the Network's DNA experts.

He was laughing at her again.

"It's not that funny Tyler." Glared Kotorra.

"You said… "Ba'aarti mon fuxha ugraaa!"" Tylerissan was leaning heavily on the workbench trying very hard to control his laughter. "And you were supposed to say "Ba'aartik monir fu'ra ugura!""

"Shut up! I screwed up, geez! You act like you've never said the wrong thing before."

"That's true, but I've never said, "Your mother's a dirty whore" instead of "Your home is very nice" Ha ha ha! Your Ykran is terrible."

Kotorra wasn't as good with the more guttural languages as Tylerissan was. But it was nice to hear him laugh. It was rare for him to even smile, but she'd come to accept that about her blue-haired friend. He didn't talk about his past and she never pressed the issue, but it was clear that something was bothering him. Even though he didn't openly share his past, he was rather interested in hers, and more specifically about Takis A otherwise known as the Wild Card virus and the Enhancer (4).

One afternoon, following a particularly exhausting lesson in the correct way to perform the Rofidian Ceremony of Greeting (which usually precedes a formal meeting and involves quite a bit of violence), Tylerissan asked Kotorra to accompany him to one of the labs.

"What did you bring me here for, Tyler?" Kotorra asked.

"I need your help." He said, walking over to one of the cabinets and rifling through it.

"Help with what?"

"Ah yes I never told you why I joined the Network, did I…" the Takisian smiled. It wasn't the rare, smile he gave when Kotorra did something that amused him. This was the smile of a psychotic. "It was the only way I could get my revenge."

"Tyler…"

"You know that my people created the Enhancer virus but did anyone ever tell you why?" Kotorra shook her head. "It was to garner supreme control over Takis."

He went on to explain that while House Ilkazam was currently on control, other Houses had enough power that if they were to form an alliance they could very easily crush Ilkazam. This could not be allowed so the scientists created something that would tip the balance of power in House Ilkazam's favor: the Enhancer. It was supposed to turn mind-blind (Takisians with no telepathic powers) into telepaths. The more telepaths the House had under its colours, the stronger it would be. However, they needed to test it on something first; they chose Earth.

It didn't work out the way they thought it would. Yes the virus created telepaths, but it also created monsters, and corpses.

"Someone thought they knew what had gone wrong and re-engineered the virus." He spat. "The only problem is that they couldn't use Earth as a testing ground again, and if they tried looking for another compatible race House Ilkazam would find out and have them executed, so they did the next best thing: they used _us_, the mind-blind (5). They dragged us from our homes in the middle of the night and infected us with their sick little cocktail." He shuddered. "The screams were horrible. You probably know better than anyone what the Enhancer does to the body, but you have no inkling of what that modified version did to their minds; liquidated from the inside out."

"But you're still alive." Whispered Kotorra.

"Yes. I was lucky. Apparently I'm immune." He suddenly rushed at her and grabbed her shoulder. "But I will never forgive them for what they did. I will make sure they pay for their crimes against us and you are the key." He jabbed a syringe in her arm and drew blood. She tried to pull away but his grip was too strong.

"Tyler, stop it! The Wild Card virus is too unstable you don't know what it will do!"

"I know exactly what it will do. I will become the most powerful Takisian ever, and I will kill every last one of those telepathic fools." He jammed the syringe into his arm. "So I thank you my friend, for your help."

"No!"

It was too late, much too late. Tylerissan's face distorted in agony as the virus took hold and started altering his DNA structure. At first it seemed that he would be getting what he wanted but the reality was far from that.

Sores and lesions mushroomed out of his exposed skin and the Takisian suddenly dropped to the floor, writhing in pain. Kotorra didn't bother going for help, it would be useless. She'd seen people who'd drawn the Black Queen before. She stayed and watched her friend as the skin started peeling away, he'd already stopped screaming; it was hard to scream when you no longer had a mouth.

When some agents came in to investigate they found Kotorra crying in a corner. The only evidence that the Takisian had even existed was the liquefied form of his body on the floor.

After that day she'd wondered: maybe if she'd talked to him more, tried to get him to talk to her more often, been a better friend, then maybe she could have saved him from himself. In the end, she asked herself, did Tylerissan's ambition for revenge kill him or did her lack of concern?

Kotorra shook herself out of her memories. That had been three years ago and she still felt guilty. Guilty because she said she was Tylerissan's friend but could she call herself that when she'd let him destroy himself? She could always justify it by saying she didn't know, but was that really any excuse? He was hurting and she didn't reach out when she could've. Some friend she was.

"Well I'm not going to let that happen again." She said. "Even if I have to nail him to the Hokage Tower I am not going to let that kid throw his life away."

Back at the hospital, Sasuke was left alone in his room since visiting hours were over. Truthfully he was supposed to be resting but he couldn't. Kotorra's words were still bouncing around in his head.

What did she care what he did with his life? She didn't understand what it was like to lose everything you had in a single moment, to suddenly find yourself alone in the world. From what he knew her family was still alive, somewhere. They'd be there when and if she and her friends ever went back to where they came from. His family was dead save for Itachi, the murderer. But…

"You don't get stronger fighting for the dead, you get stronger fighting to protect the things you still have, even if the only thing you've got is your own life." That is what she said. During the fight with Gaara, Naruto had said something similar. He said he fought to protect his precious people. Is that it then? Was he weak because, to him, he had nothing to protect? Then why is Itachi so strong? He let out a frustrated sigh.

"I need some air…" he opened the window, looked around to make sure nobody was watching, and jumped out of it.

The strange creature, Orochimaru wasn't completely convinced it was human, was truly fascinating. Here was something with the ability similar to that of the Kaguya clan, only instead of the manipulation of bones, this body is capable of producing knives; which should be impossible especially without the aid of chakra. The knives were very sharp they found, as Kabuto had taken one of them and used it to cut away a skin sample, and other things. The corpse was now quite still and partially dissected.

"Prepare the control tags, Kabuto." Orochimaru said. "I want to see what else this body can do."

"As you wish, Orochimaru-sama."

_Kyaa! This chapter was so serious I need to bring some levity back into it. So the next part is a total Omake chapter and the chapter after that will have the party. By the way, those of you wondering where the Sound Four are, patience, they will be coming for Sasuke's broody behind soon enough. In the meantime "watch de ride mah yut'"!_

1) In the Wild Card series, one of the main characters is a Takisian that came to Earth to stop the Wild Card virus but was too late and spent most of his life trying to help those that were infected. His first name is Princie Tisianne brant Ts'ara sek Halima sek Ragnar sek Omian of House Ilkazam. Everyone on Earth calls him Dr. Tachyon because the ship he came on is capable of faster than light travel, and he is an expert in biochemistry. All Takisians (at least the ones I've read about so far) have long, hard to pronounce names that basically recount their genealogical lineage.

2) I'm making a lot of assumptions about this. I only have the first two books in the series and there isn't much detail concerning the Network itself. All I know for certain is that the Master Traders run the whole show and the agents of the Network have varying areas of expertise. The Network is populated by many different races from numerous planets. Their only goal it seems is to make money. The ethics of what they do does not seem to concern them in the slightest the only question seems to be "is it profitable" (which sort of makes them good guys in the long run; destroying the universe is bad for business after all). I don't know why the Network and Takisians are at odds and in the end it doesn't really matter since this is an AU fanfic and I've screwed with everything except the core information of the series.

3) If xenology is the study of extraterrestrials, then xenozoology is the study of extraterrestrial animals. At least that's how I figure it.

4) On planet Takis the Wild Card virus is called the Enhancer.

5) The mind-blind are Takisians who are born without telepathic powers. They are treated as badly as slaves.


	21. Omake

Inspiration for this is from the Fushigi Yugi omake episode where the cast goes on a bus trip to a hot spring.

Fourth Wall breakage abounds!

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
The Omake Chapter  
By Kaori

"_Where_ are we going?" glared Sasuke. He, the rest of Team 7, the Wild Cards, Gai's Team, and Team 8 were on the bus heading Kami-sama only knows where. Iruka was driving because nobody trusted Gai or Kakashi behind the wheel and Kurenai never had time to renew her driver's license. Lee had been sedated for this trip and Kurenai threatened to do the same to Gai if he didn't calm the fuck down.

"The author decided we needed to recover from all that melodrama last chapter so she's sending us to a resort for a couple of days." Kotorra explained.

"I don't have time for this. I need to get stronger to…"

"Kill your brother, avenge your clan, blah, blah, blah." Interrupted Neji. "Honestly, you're such a broken record."

"Can it destiny boy!"

"No fighting on the bus!" yelled Iruka.

"Hai…" chorused Neji and Sasuke, though they continued to glare at each other.

"Anyway…" TenTen changed the subject. "Did the author say what kind of resort this is?"

"Anou…"Hinata stopped staring at Naruto to answer. "She said that it's got a spa, pool, and a karaoke bar."

"Dammit, this is going to turn into one of those fanfics where we all end up drunk in a karaoke bar and sing mushy love songs to each other isn't it?" growled Kiba.

"I seriously doubt that." Bradley stated.

"Oh! Oh! Then it's one where we end up drunk and sing really stupid stuff!" said Naruto.

"That would be funny, but no."

"Oh yeah, what makes you so certain?" Neji challenged.

"Since I'm one of the author's original characters I've got access to privileged information."

"That's not fair! I'm the author's favourite, I should get inside info too." Pouted the male Hyuuga.

"Since when are you her favourite?" glared Kiba. "Everyone knows she likes me best."

"You wish! The author clearly likes me best." Nodded Naruto.

"You're delusional. I'm the author's favourite. I'm _everybody's_ favourite." Snorted Sasuke.

"Are you kidding? She loves to hate you! (1)" Neji pointed out.

"Boys, please. Enough. This argument is completely pointless." Kakashi said. "Besides, the author loves me the most." That spawned a small fist fight.

"Go Sasuke-kun!" cheered Sakura. Kotorra got up.

"That does it. I'm sitting up front with Shino." She moved towards the front of the bus.

"Come on guys, who cares who the author's favourite is." TenTen tried to stop the fight.

"P…please don't fight…" pleaded Hinata.

"IF YOU DON'T STOP IT RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO THROW YOU ALL OUT THE EMERGENCY DOOR (2), AND GET IRUKA TO THROW THE BUS INTO REVERSE!" yelled Kurenai. Instantly the fighting stopped. "Thought so."

An hour later…

"_Here's a llama_

_There's a llama_

_And another little llama_

_Fuzzy llama_

_Funny llama_

_Llama llama_

_Duck_

_Llama llama_

_Cheesecake llama_

_Tablet brick_

_Potato llama_

_Llama llama_

_Mushroom llama_

_Llama llama_

_Duck_

_I was once a treehouse_

_I lived in a cake_

_But I never saw the way_

_The orange slayed the rake…_" (3)

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SHUT UP! YOU'VE SUNG THAT SONG SIXTEEN TIMES ALREADY!" screamed Sasuke. Gina, Naruto, and Kiba ducked down in their seats.

Another hour later…

"Are we there yet?" whined Kiba.

"I swear to God Kiba if you ask that one more time…" Neji started to threaten him.

"Leave Kiba alone Neji." Glared Naruto.

"It's too hot in here, open the window." Sakura complained.

"Ack! Gina-san! What are you doing to Lee?" wailed Gai. Gina looked up at him and blinked.

"Drawing on his face."

"Please stop that at once!"

"Isnt' that a permanent marker (4)?" Kakashi asked.

"NO!" wailed the spandex-clad jounin.

"I SWEAR IF YOU ALL DON'T SHUT UP!" Iruka turned around and yelled.

"LOOK OUT!" screamed Kotorra, but too late. The bus went careening over the side of a cliff.

In the forest below, Orochimaru and Kabuto were walking back to their temporary hideout.

"Do you hear something?" asked Orochimaru. "It sounds like people screaming." Kabuto looked up, blinked, and then slowly moved a few feet away from his master. "Kabuto, what…" The bus landed on top of Orochimaru. His legs stuck out from underneath the bus.

"Holy crap! We landed on Orochimaru!" gaped Kakashi.

"Quick! Take his shoes!" exclaimed Gina.

"What? Why?" Neji asked, unable to find any logic in such a demand.

"Sorry, I had a Wizard of Oz moment for a second there."

"Ding dong the ped is dead. What old ped? The freaky ped. Ding dong the freaky ped is dead." Sang Kotorra.

"Orochimaru-sama!" cried Kabuto.

"Well the bus is farked, now what?" sighed Gina.

"We walk of course!" said Gai. "It will be good training and bonding!"

"Are you crazy? We don't even know where we are?" yelled Kurenai.

"Err…" Hinata interrupted, pointing to a sign that said Orchid Resort. Everyone stared at the sign for few minutes.

"Well, that's convenient." Blinked TenTen.

"No, that's plot contrivance." Said Sasuke.

"Now, now. There's no reason for such a poor attitude. We should be grateful we landed on Orochimaru instead of the horribly jagged rocks over there." Kakashi eye smiled.

"Let's just get inside." Groaned Kurenai, feeling a headache coming on. The group collected their things and left Kabuto to cry over the flattened sennin.

Once inside they were greeted by the friendly resort staff.

"Welcome to the Orchid Resort." Sighed a rather sickly looking man in a white kimono. "My name is (wheeze) Densenku. (wheeze). I'd like to (wheeze hack) like to welcome you to the (wheeze) Orchid Resort."

"You wouldn't happen to be related to a guy named Gekkou Hayate would you?" asked Kakashi.

"Possibly. (wheeze) My grandmother was from (wheeze hack) the Gekkou family."

"Figures." Mumbled Naruto.

"Oh well, now that we're here…" grinned Kotorra.

"CUE THE SNAPSHOT MONTAGE AND CREDITS!" cheered Gina.

Several pictures of the group fade in and out of the screen as credits roll on the side. From here on out, you only hear the characters and the author talking.

"Did you have to drop a bus on me" (Orochimaru)

"Yes." (Kaori)

"Hey! I don't remember _that_!" (Sakura) "When did you throw Neji in the pool?"

"Oh, we did that while you were sunbathing off camera." (Bradley)

"I still have to kill you guys for that." (Neji)

"It's your own fault for not dressing appropriately for the pool." (Kotorra)

"Uwaagh!" (Hinata) THUD.

"Oh no, Hinata's fainted again!" (Naruto)

"Oops, how did that picture of Naruto shirtless get in there?" (Kaori)

"…you are a wicked woman." (Shino)

"I know." (Kaori)

"Kakashi! Next time I will win the swimsuit competition!" (Gai)

"Hm? Did you say some…DEAR GOD MY EYES!" (Kakashi)

"GAI! GO CHANGE OUT OF THAT SPEEDO BEFORE YOU TRAUMATIZE THE KIDS!" (Iruka)

"FORGET THEM I NEED EYE AND MIND BLEACH NOW!" (Kurenai)

"This was the worst vacation ever." (Sasuke)

"You're just mad because I beat you in the limbo competition."(Kotorra)

"You cheated somehow, I know it."

"Sore loser."

"Lee, what are you doing with that hermit crab?" (TenTen)

"Oh, do you like him? I thought it would make a nice pet." (Lee)

"Well you'd better take better care of it than you did the octopus you brought home that time we went to the beach."

"I honestly didn't expect Chouji to eat Mr. Peterson."

"Hey, the credits are almost over." (Kaori) "You guys better get back to the fanfic."

1) It's true. I love to hate Sasuke, but I don't hate him enough to want Kishimoto-san to kill him off. I can't hate him that much, he's kind of like a bitchy Heero Yuy. And no Heero isn't my favourite Gundam Wing character, Duo is.

2) I remember our teacher used to threaten us with something similar when we wouldn't behave on a field trip. Something about tying us to the rear bumper and dirt roads…

3) The Llama Song!

4) Permanent marker isn't. I've drawn on people with permanent marker a couple of times. Eventually it wears off of skin.


	22. Chapter 21

My comments on Chapters 328 of the manga: WHY KISHIMOTO-SAMA! WHY! (cries for Asuma)

My comments on Chapter 329 of the manga: Anybody else reminded of the Underpants Gnomes? At least the Akatsuki actually _have_ a second part to their plan….

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"Yeah! You go Kiba! You're the best in Konoha!" cheered Gina, she was sitting at a table wearing a dark green tank top and a pair of blue shorts. Naruto, sitting at the same table and dressed in his usual outfit sans jacket gave a shrill whistle. Kiba's jacket was hung on the microphone stand of the karaoke machine.

Kiba stood on the makeshift stage the Kejibi (as the locals had started to call them) had set up in the middle of the restaurant, enthusiastically belting out "New York, New York" despite having no idea what "these middle town blues" are or where New York is, but he was having a great time. Akamaru barked along to the music.

Near the makeshift stage, Kotorra had set up five tables of food. The first was all salads, fruit salad, potato salad, egg salad, Caesar salad, tuna salad, and pasta salad. The second table was all kinds of meat dishes including a gigantic pot roast that Chouji was just aching to bite into. Table number three: rice and vegetables, table four was all soup. The fifth and final table was covered in desserts.

"So that's why you we didn't see you all day." Kakashi commented.

"Mm." nodded Kotorra, munching on some corn.

"Such a splendid feast! It was obviously created with much care!" Gai enthused. "After tasting your amazing curry, I am certain that this meal will be an absolute culinary delight! The aroma exudes promises of sublime flavour! It foments such feelings of youthful energy in me that I simply must partake before I explode from blissful agony!" he was cut off by Bradley jabbing him in the side with a fork.

"Oi, you're supposed to eat it not evangelize about it."

"But the chef is flattered." Kotorra said, trying very hard to keep a straight face. She looked over at a nearby table and sighed. Sakura and Ino were fighting over who would bring Sasuke dinner at the hospital tonight since he wasn't well enough to be discharged yet.

"You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you…"Jiraiya said to Bradley, said young man raised one eyebrow and an ear, and cocked his head to the side.

"Oh?"

"… you can change into any type of canine right?"

"Yeah…what are you getting at?"

"How would you like to help me with my research? I know you know that chicks dig cute dogs!" leered Jiraiya. Bradley twitched.

"You _want_ me to maul you don't you?"

"Hey, just a little friendly offer is all. Come on, there's a signed first edition copy of Icha Icha Tactics in it for you…" the older man taunted. Bradley actually growled at him.

"Do I look like Kakashi to you?"

"No but you could pass for one of his dog summons."

"That's it!" he turned into a wolf and mauled the sennin.

Around this time, Gina had noticed Hinata being a wallflower so to speak and immediately dragged her over to the table she and Naruto were sitting at (insisting that Naruto move over one seat so Hinata can sit on the other side of him). She was pleasantly surprised that the Hyuuga heiress didn't pass out right away and very much enjoyed watching the various shades of red the pale girl could turn. Ino was up on stage singing a rather disturbing little ditty.

"_Coin operated boy  
__All the other real  
__Ones that I destroy  
__Cannot hold a candle to my new boy and I'll  
__Never let him go  
__And I'll never be alone…_" (1)

At this point it sounded like the CD (or record take your pick) was skipping but it was soon discovered that this was not the case and the song went to the bridge which Gina happily joined in on, making the song seem even more creepy.

At the Hokage Tower, Tsunade was in a meeting with Utatane Homura and Mitokado Koharu. Truthfully, she would much rather be at the party, but we all can't get what we want.

"Understand that you come into office at a precarious time." Homura said. "The village has been weekend by the recent attack by Oto and Suna."

"We cannot afford to be perceived as weak at a time like this." Koharu added, looking sharply at Tsunade.

"I agree. Missions will continue as normal while the village undergoes repairs and restructuring." The Godaime said. "However, with we will first need to renegotiate our peace treaty with Suna seeing as we are still, technically at war."

"And we can't afford a divided front. Suna's forces have been severely crippled due to the attack but their village proper is fine. They won't attack us on their own any time soon but we have no guarantee that they won't try again with another village." reasoned Homura. "So who are you sending to negotiate?"

The party was almost over so Bradley thought it would be a good idea to take some food to Lee and Sasuke in the hospital, especially since Kotorra outright refused to give the doggy bags to either Sakura or Ino. She may not be overly fond of Sasuke but she didn't dislike him enough to send his fangirls to plague him when he's injured. Gai went with him since he wanted to see Lee anyway.

Sasuke was sleeping so Bradley left his food with one of the few nurses that wasn't completely disgusted by him or infatuated with touching his ears (2). On his way home he caught the scent of…something; and it was making his skin crawl. He sniffed. Whatever it was, it was on its way to the hospital.

"Something's not right." He went back.

Sasuke stood on the thick tree branch panting and bruised. Four figures regarded him almost mockingly.

"Will you forget your goal and spend your life with your friends in this cozy village, licking your wounds?" the lone female asked.

"Never forget your purpose. This village is just a hindrance to you, cut your ties with your useless acquaintances." A grey-haired teen with two heads said. "This will be the only way you will become stronger." It was then that a large black coyote landed in front of Sasuke. It howled loud and long while shifting into the form of a stocky young man with dog ears and a tail.

"What the fuck…" the girl started, but the grey-haired one held up his hand to silence her.

"Not now Tayuya. That guy might have just signalled for backup. We've done our part anyway, so let's go." He turned to look at Sasuke. "Don't forget your purpose…" and the four disappeared.

"Are you okay?" Bradley asked Sasuke.

"Yeah…" replied the Uchiha, although to Bradley it didn't sound as if the other boy was certain. He couldn't ponder it any further as two members of the Inuzuka clan showed up.

_Surprisingly we are still only in volume 20 of the manga right now. From here there are going to be severe changes to the storyline (so far I've only been doing little minor things). _

1) Coin Operated Boy by The Dresden Dolls. It's one of my favourites.

2) Heheh…Inuyasha Syndrome!

Now if you've made it this far, you've earned yourself a special treat. Since so many of you enjoyed the last omake, here's a little fun at Sasuke's expense:

Sasuke: (sitting on a bench in front of a wall)

Gina: (pops up on the other side of the wall and starts clucking the ending theme to Robot Chicken) Ba-buck buck buck. Ba-buck buck buck. Ba-buck buck bucka bucka buck buck buck.

Kotorra: (pops up next to Gina)

Gina and Kotorra: Ba-buck buck buck. Ba-buck buck buck. Ba-buck buck bucka bucka buck buck buck.

Bradley: (pops up next to Kotorra)

Gina, Kotorra, Bradley: Ba-buck buck buck. Ba-buck buck buck. Ba-buck buck bucka bucka buck buck buck.

Kiba: (pops up next to Bradley) BUCKAW!

Kakashi: (apathetically pops up next to Kiba) …buck.

Gina, Kotorra, Bradley, Kiba, Kakashi: (run)

Sasuke: (chases them) FOR THE LAST TIME! MY HAIR DOES _NOT_ LOOK LIKE THE BACKSIDE OF A CHICKEN!

(For the record, yes it does.)


	23. Chapter 22

ScorpiOverkill: Sword of Pwnage, give me might beyond might!

Sir Frick-It: Heheheh, we're in your party, killin' your henchmen.

MoogleKiller: Damn it, why do you two always take the good one-liners?

Assassin8er: You guys suck!

ScorpiOverkill: You get paid.

n00bietron: You get…dang Over beat me to it.

-from a Neverwinter Nights private Internet campaign (I'm ScorpiOverkill, Sir Frick-It is my cousin, I've never met the other players. It was fun to use Power Word Stun on the other parties and then hack them to pieces)

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

ANBU don't come to your door every day, especially not to tell you that your friend is not going to be coming home tonight on account of being interrogated.

"What do we do now?" Gina asked her friend after the ninja had left. Kotorra shrugged.

"What can we do? I just hope he's not in any trouble. I really wish I knew where he was right now." Something seemed to occur to her and she grabbed at the device behind her ear and yanked it out.

"What are you doing?" gasped Gina. The taller girl didn't answer her, her hands glowing purple as she fiddled with the Babel Fish Wired (1). A moment later she stuck it back behind her ear, and winced as the cord snaked into it and reconnected with her brain. "Kotorra…"

"Ssh, I'm trying something." Her eyes seemed to lose a bit of their focus. To Kotorra it looked like she was standing in a double exposed photograph (2). It was disorienting. Right now she was seeing the Hokage's office from Bradley's point of view as well as the bedroom she shared with Gina. "For the love of God Gina, stop waving at me. It's making me nauseas."

In the Hokage's office, Bradley was getting the creepiest feeling like someone was watching him.

"Are you all right?" asked Tsunade. "You don't look well."

"I think I'm just a little tired from being up all night." Said the joker. "You were saying?"

"Ah yes. Since you didn't actually see anything we can't be certain as to why those four kids (3) approached Sasuke. However, it's safe to assume they weren't up to anything good."

"_Eh, we've been invaded, and they were after Asshat? This can't be good._." A voice said in the back of Bradley's mind. "What in the scary Hell…" he muttered.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Tsunade asked again.

"Peachy. May I go now?"

"Just one more thing. I want to run some tests on you and your friends."

"Why?"

"Curiosity mostly. You three are immune to genjutsu which is rare in and of itself, but your physiology is also different from anyone I've ever encountered."

"That is obvious." Snorted Bradley. "Not many people are part dog."

"It's not just that. You must realize by now that our medical practices are different from yours. We don't know whether or not our methods would do more harm than good. If you're unaffected by genjutsu I need to know if it's the same for medical ninjutsu."

"You make a good argument but I'll need to talk it over with my friends. Especially Gina. She's not overly fond of doctors." The Hokage nodded. "Now, if you don't mind, I have to go to work tomorrow and I am in need of some serious shuteye."

Back in the apartment, Kotorra blinked a few times trying to clear her vision. Linking up with Bradley's BFW was a rather enlightening experience. She noticed she could see and hear everything Bradley did and the link provided a telepathy of sorts as Bradley apparently heard what she was thinking but she couldn't hear his thoughts. "Hey Gina, come here a moment…"

When Bradley arrived home that evening he found Gina and Kotorra standing in the middle of the kitchen doing the mirror exercise (4) in perfect synchronization. "What are you two doing?" Still moving in sync, the two turned to face him and grinned unnerving their male friend. "H..hey…"

"Come join us Bradley…" they said in unison. And before he could even begin to start screaming, Kotorra and Gina started doing the Macarena. He glared at them.

One quick explanation later.

"Dammit don't mess with me like that!" he yelled, once they'd explained what they had done.

Kotorra explained that she had initially modified her Babel Fish Wired to see if she could find out what had happened to Bradley. However, she ended up doing a little more than that because she could see and hear everything he could and Bradley could "hear" what she was thinking.

"It was like being in two places at once." She said.

"All right, but what about that business with you and Gina just now?" Bradley demanded.

"Well, I wondered what would happen if I did the same type of augmentation on Gina's BFW."

"AND…"

"She sees and hears what I do and vice versa, which is very freaky and distracting especially when we're not looking at the same thing."

"It goes away when you close your eyes." Gina pointed out. "The seeing double thing I mean. You only see what the other person does then."

"I hadn't thought of doing that… Er, anyway, we also had a two-way telepathy going on, but the weirdest thing happens when you focus completely on the other person's thoughts."

"And what's that?" asked Bradley.

"They can control your body."

"WHAT!" shrieked Bradley. Gina nodded her head emphatically.

"Yeah! I started paying more attention to what was going on in Kotorra's head than my own, and the next thing I know, we're both breathing at the same time, moving in complete sync, and when she went to say something I said it too. It was scary."

"The connection broke when she realized what she was doing. It only lasts as long as the other person is, for lack of a better term, jacked into your thought processes. Heck, it might work if the person is unconscious too. And Gina, I literally know what you're thinking, if you dare try it while I'm sleeping you will find out what the bottom of the lake looks like." Gina visibly paled. Due to her physical makeup, she was unable to stay buoyant and, if thrown into a body of water, would sink like a rock.

"So what are you planning to do?" Bradley asked, slightly troubled. He didn't like the possibility of being brain-jacked in the middle of the night.

"After I modify your BFW I want to research this a little bit more." Kotorra replied. "Actually, now that I think about it, it functions almost like a Borg implant now, I should probably stop calling it a Babel Fish Wired."

"Heheh, it's a BorgFish! We are the KG Borg! Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated!" giggled Gina.

"Now that's a scary thought." Deadpanned Bradley as he removed his BFW and handed it to Kotorra. "Here, I'm going to bed. Just don't go hacking into my brain or looking at my thoughts okay?"

"Relax. We tried looking at memories before you came home. It doesn't work. All we get are surface thoughts. You wouldn't believe the amount of things you can think in the space of a minute. It's maddening." She took Bradley's BFW apart.

"I can imagine, especially the way Gina thinks."

"Hey!" protested the female joker. Bradley put up his hands in a placating manner.

"Kidding! I'm only kidding!" he turned serious. "By the way, the Hokage wants us to report to the hospital for some tests."

"Yeah, I heard, remember?" Kotorra tapped her head. "We'll go. She was right about their medical facilities. I took a peek while I was still fuming about Asshat and just about all their medical techniques are based on chakra. If we were to get seriously injured, I don't know how our bodies would react to chakra." She put the finishing touches on Bradley's BorgFish and gave it back to him.

"I just hope they don't try anything weird." Mumbled Gina. "I don't like doctors."

"Tsunade's a doctor and you like her okay." Bradley pointed out as he reattached his translator/telepathic communicator.

"That's different. She's not all out to poke me in the arm while I sit on a cold table in my underwear."

"Just go to bed. You're outvoted anyway so it's to the doctor we go." Kotorra said.

"TRAITORS!"

"Yeah, yeah whatever. Go to bed already."

First thing in the morning (well, if you discount breakfast) the trio went to the hospital. Tsunade was relieved to see them.

"I was worried that you wouldn't come." She said.

"Just so you know, I'm here under protest Booby-baa." Gina replied and then had to dodge Tsunade's fist. There was a nice hole where the girl had been standing.

"You're fixing that." Deadpanned the Hokage.

"I feel so…dirty." Shivered Gina. It was some time after two in the afternoon and they had just finished giving various blood and tissue samples to the medic-nins and getting a thorough (_too_ thorough if you asked Gina) medical examination.

"Well, I've got to go to the clinic. Tsume's probably wondering what's taking me so long." Huffed Bradley. "Don't I get a note from the Hokage or something so they don't dock my pay?"

"I'll have Shizune send one over." Smirked Tsunade, then she turned to Kotorra. "Are you open today?"

"I have to be. I've been out of town way too long and with the construction going on I'd be a fool not to take advantage of all that potential business." Said Kotorra.

"Well, I'd lake to place a dinner order for myself and Shizune." Kotorra whipped out a notepad and looked at the Hokage expectantly. "Let's see…two orders of steak, one medium and one well-done, with a side of vegetables and that cheesy pasta…"

"Baked macaroni (5)." Corrected Kotorra.

"Yeah that stuff. And maybe some of that…"

"HOKAGE-SAMA!" Raido suddenly appeared before the assembled group panting and puffing. "I've found you at last!"

"What is it, Raido? Can't it wait until I'm done here?"

"No! Uchiha Sasuke has left the village!"

"WHAT!" shrieked Tsunade, Shizune and the Kejibi.

Quickly getting over the shock, Tsunade ordered Raido to find Nara Shikamaru and have him meet her at the Hokage Tower. The Kejibi, finding this much more interesting than what they'd planned for the rest of the day, followed the Hokage back to her office, listening to her curse Orochimaru, Sasuke, and the world in general.

It wasn't until she sat down and saw the Kejibi standing in front of her desk that she realized they'd followed her.

"What are you doing in here?" she almost yelled. They shrugged. "Fine, stay, I could use the moral support. Dammit, that selfish brat!" Shikamaru chose that moment to appear. "Ah, good you're here."

"You wanted to see me Hokage-sama?" yawned the lazy chuunin.

"I have a mission for you…"

As she explained the situation, the Kejibi listened off to the side. Kotorra grew more and more agitated. She thought about asking, no demanding to go with Shikamaru and his team but suddenly realized how idiotic that sounded. She'd seen how fast ninjas move, there was no way she could keep up with them. She wanted to help but how? Unconsciously her fist clenched, and she was surprised when she felt something in her hand a moment later. Curious she opened her hand and squeaked inaudibly from surprise: there in her hand was an operational BorgFish. She got an idea when Tsunade recommended that Shikamaru take Naruto with them.

As Shikamaru was leaving she grabbed his shoulder. "Listen, Sasuke may be an Asshat but he's _our_ Asshat." She placed the BorgFish to Shikamaru. "Give that to Naruto and tell him it's for Asshat."

"What is it?" Shikamaru asked. Tsunade was also curious. Gina grinned and tapped behind her right ear.

"In it's basic form it lets us speak to and understand you guys. However, Kotorra's upgrade allows for something a bit more…personal."

"It won't kill him if that's what you're worried about." Bradley said. "But it might help."

"Mendokuse…" Shikamaru muttered, but put the BorgFish in his pocket and left. Kotorra turned o the Hokage.

"I guess I'm not going to open the store today after all, Tsunade-sama. I'll still make you and Shizune lunch since it'll be a while until Naruto's going to be able to tag Sasuke with that BorgFish."

"What are you planning to do?" the Godaime was reasonably suspicious.

"If it works, I'm going to knock some sense into Asshat. If it doesn't I'm going to have one hell of a headache." Gina and Bradley snorted.

"It's Asshat, you're going to have a headache regardless." They chorused.

_Next chapter: A battle of psyches. Sandaime and the Kejibi go to Suna. Orochimaru sends his newest assassin. Bradley learns a new trick._

1) See chapter four if you've forgotten about this.

2) Thanks to digital photography, this cool practice has all but disappeared. Basically it's when a piece of film is exposed to two different images, resulting in the second image to be superimposed over the first. Now you can do the same thing in Photoshop or another photo editing program and get the same results.

3) According to the official data, The Sound Four are 14, Kimimaro is 15. They sure as hell don't look it.

4) You know the one. You and a partner stand about half a foot away from each other. One of you leads and the other one pretends to be your mirror image.

5) It's like lasagne only it's just cheddar cheese and pasta. Some people put minced celery and onions in it but I don't like it like that.


	24. Chapter 23

Okay, apparently I was wrong. There actually _is_ a Ninja Day and it's December 5th. Let us go forth and ninja in the night!

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Shortly after sending Shikamaru out, Shizune had come in looking very disturbed. Apparently, she and her team had run into four Oto-nins on their way back from a mission. Genma and Raido were injured but they would be fine. Tsunade decided it would be best to get additional assistance. She immediately sent messengers to inform Kakashi, Gai, Kurenai, Asuma, and Aburame Shibi to go after Shikamaru and his team (1). She also dispatched a team of medics in the event someone was injured.

"So…" ventured Bradley. He and the rest of the Kejibi were still in the Hokage's office. "when did you make another BorgFish?" Kotorra regarded her friend from her position sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor where she'd been for the last hour.

"Promise not to freak out if I tell you?" This earned her a raised ear from Bradley, and a raised eyebrow from Gina. Tsunade listened, not sure what to make of this conversation. Seeing that neither of her friends was going to agree anyway, she sighed. "Just before I gave it to Shikamaru."

"SAY WHAT!" they yelled.

"I knew you'd freak out."

"But how? I know you didn't have anything in your hands or pockets this time!" stammered Gina. "Since when have you been able to make stuff out of thin air?"

"I don't know. One moment I'm trying to figure out how I can help Shikamaru get Sasuke back, the next thing I know I've got a BorgFish in my hand." She scratched her head furiously. "We'll worry about that later, I need to keep concentrating on my own BorgFish or I might miss my chance to connect with Sasuke's mind."

"It still amazes me that that little gadget of yours is capable of doing what the Yamanaka's prize so greatly." Tsunade said. Kotorra had explained the device the trio sported behind their right ears to the Hokage while she was making lunch.

"Where I come from it's not particularly impressive." Shrugged the leggy girl. "And for the record, while the ability is similar, I can't actually walk the corridors of someone's mind or see their memories. I just hear their thoughts and the noises in their heads. Being able to see things from their point of view literally is rather cool, in a surrealist sort of way." She paused as she felt like someone flicked her in the back of the head, from the inside. "Oh, looks like I got a bite." She closed her eyes. "He's on top of a waterfall…" she murmured. "and apparently Naruto is sitting on him. I don't see any of the others and by the way Naruto looks, I don't think he's got backup. Oh well, time to go to work…"

"Do your best to keep him occupied until someone can assist." Said Tsunade.

"Are you sure you don't want me to do this?" Bradley asked. "I have more experience dealing with headcases than you do."

"No, I've got this. Besides, Sasuke's not a parakeet." Gina was about to make a snide remark about Sasuke's hair but thought better of it. "All right, here goes…"

Sasuke was about to rip the strange object off of his ear and then…

"**Hello Asshat.**"

"You."

"**Me.**"

"What are you doing in my mind? How are you even doing this?"

"**Never you mind. What's are you doing out here?**"

"Get out of my head!"

"**No, I don't think so. I'll ask again, what the hell are you doing out here?**"

"This is none of your concern." Sasuke attempted to throw Naruto off of him but found he couldn't move.

"**Oh no you don't, you are going to listen to me whether you like it or not**." Kotorra gave a mental sigh of relief. Sasuke had no idea how the BorgFish worked and didn't know that the second his mind focused on her, she'd brainjacked him. He was only the second person she'd brainjacked but where Gina had the advantage of knowing how the device functioned, Sasuke was clueless.

"I don't know why I can't move my body but when I regain control..."

"…**you'll continue running away like a scared little boy**."

"No. I will continue on my path to power."

"**Power? You'll have to be more specific. Power means different things to different people**."

"I want the strength to kill **him**." Kotorra got the brief impression of someone she doubted she'd forget any time soon; Uchiha Itachi.

"**Your brother again? You know, it's really unhealthy how your whole life seems to revolve around fratricide**."

"You don't…"

"**...understand. We established that the last time we…talked. I may not understand but I don't need to. Being weak may be bad, but being stupid is worse. And speaking of stupid, do you realize you've been talking to me out loud as well as in your head? Naruto's wondering if you've gone even more loony**"

Sasuke let out an irritated growl. Naruto was indeed staring at him like he'd completely lost his mind.

"**Yeah, I bet you feel pretty stupid now.**" _Keep him talking, make sure he doesn't get away before either help comes to drag his ass home or he decides to come back on his own_.

"**What do you want?**"

"**You mean besides to rip you a new one? I want to know why you're running away from your home.**"

"**_Home? _Konoha stopped being home when Itachi murdered my family._"_**

"**Fair enough. Why are you running away from the village your family fought to protect?**"

"**What do you know about that**?"

"**Enough.**" Not exactly the truth but not a complete lie either. She knew of the Uchiha massacre through listening to people talk and asking Iruka, but the only people who really know what happened exactly are Sasuke and Itachi himself. "**Are you going to answer the question?**"

"**I am an avenger. I will avenge the murder of my clan. It is my duty as the survivor.**"

"**And who told you that?**"

"**You are irritating. I won't tell you again, get out of my head.**" Sasuke was evading the question, which Kotorra took to mean that he wasn't completely convinced of his motivation for revenge.

"**And I won't tell you again, no.**"

"**Why do you care anyway?**"

"**I knew someone like you once. He was obsessed with getting revenge too, and for the same reason. Someone, well a group of someones, killed his family, his friends, and all the people like him. He came to the organization I work for as a means to get what he wanted. He didn't succeed and his quest for power and revenge killed him.**"

"**Hmph. I'm different. I _will_ kill my brother.** **Orochimaru will give me the power I need to kill him.**"

"**And you think that won't come at some sort of cost? I've seen this guy once before, and from what I observed he isn't the altruistic sort.**"

"**I don't care. The village is weak and staying there will make me just as weak. I can't get the strength I need if I stay there.**"

"**Is that so? Taking strength from other people instead of relying on your own seems pretty weak to me. You want power but you don't want to work to earn it.**"

"**I...No. You're wrong.**"

"**Am I? How can you be sure? You don't have any proof that I'm wrong. Konoha just experienced a devastating attack from two enemies and it's still standing. It's standing on shaky legs but it's standing. A weak village would have fallen, don't you think?**"

"**Shut up**."

A wave of something she couldn't really describe washed over her. It was dirty and hateful, malicious; she almost broke contact with Sasuke because of it.

"**What was that? You're nuts if you think I'll leave because of just that."**

"**That…wasn't me.**"

"**_It was me_**." This new voice sounded like Sasuke, but it was much darker. Kotorra got the impression of impatience and barely controlled rage. "**_Why are we wasting this time with this fool? Expel her from our mind and let us continue on to Orochimaru?_**"

"**Who are you?**" Sasuke asked.

"**_In a manner of speaking, I am you and you are me. I am your darkest desires. I am all the bad memories you constantly dwell on. I am your anger, and your hatred. I am your desire for revenge_**. **_Now, remove this insect and let us be on our way_**."

"**Sasuke…**" Kotorra wasn't sure what was going on, but she didn't like it. Sasuke was completely focused on her and didn't know that all he had to do was ignore her and he'd be able to get away. With this second presence there, it was going to be very hard to keep his attention. "**How long has this guy been here?**"

"**I don't…**"

"**_Since that day. That day when Itachi murdered them all._**"

"**I wasn't asking you**." Hissed Kotorra. Dammit, if he starts to notice…

"**_No interloper, you weren't, but I will answer all the same. He needs to know. After all, he has been feeding me all this time. All that pain has to go somewhere after all. Every time he swallowed his rage, I grew stronger. But the stronger I got it was never enough to truly be free. Then Orochimaru came, and I gained a way out. We will not be denied our vengeance_**."

"**But what about Sasuke? If you overrun his mind what will happen to him?**."

"**_You forget I am Sasuke and yet I am not him. He is too weak to kill Itachi, but I can and will do it. His heart wavers from our task the longer he remains in the village, I am simply making sure this does not continue._**"

"**It is as he says.**" Sasuke finally spoke again, although to Kotorra, it was like listening to a recorded voice. "**I must kill Itachi. I won't be able to die peacefully until I've rid the world of even the memory of that bastard**."

"**_We tire of you woman. Beggone_**…" A wave of pressure slammed into her and she felt like her brain was going to explode.

She opened her eyes, gasping and sweating.

"Kotorra!" Gina was instantly at her side. Vaguely she wondered where Bradley was, then she realized that someone was holding her from behind. And since she only knew one person with pads on his hands, she figured it must be Bradley.

"What happened?" Tsunade demanded.

"Something I didn't expect." She related the rather disturbing events that transpired during her stint within Sasuke's mind.

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised." The Hokage rubbed her temples. "Given Sauske's…condition I should have anticipated this development. You did what you could." Kotorra got the feeling that the Hokage wasn't telling her something but her head hurt too much for her to care.

"I just hope it was long enough." She winced. "Gah, my head is killing me…"

"We told you that you'd need aspirin regardless." Snorted Bradley.

"Bite me."

"Careful, I just might do it."

After procuring some painkillers, Kotorra went back to the apartment to rest. Bradley walked her home since she didn't look too well. Gina decided to go visit Lee only to find him tied down in his hospital bed with a note that said "Do not release until Wednesday."

"HAHAHAHA!" the mulatto laughed. Lee pouted at her from the bed.

"Gina-san, it's not funny! I must help get Sasuke back! My youthful pride demands it!"

"Hee hee hee, good luck with that Houdini."

"Who?"

"Never mind." The girl continued to giggle. "You are in no condition to be going anywhere. You just had major surgery. Trust me, you do not want to be messing around after you've been cut open and sewn back up."

"But…"

"Yeah, yours in that bed until Wednesday." She started laughing again. She stayed and talked with the hospitalized Green Beast until thundering footsteps and urgent voices in the hallway got her attention. She poked her head out just in time to see Hyuuga Neji and Akimichi Chouji being carted off on stretchers. She frowned. "Lee, I've got to go now. Stay in bed or I'll stone ya." And she followed the medics.

She wasn't too surprised to see Shikamaru sitting outside in the waiting area to the emergency ward and it didn't take much to get an update of what had happened.

"Asuma-sensei's giving a report to the Hokage. I should be there too but…" he looked at the double doors that lead to the operating theatres.

"They'll be okay. You'll see. Neji will be up in no time yelling at me to stop calling him Jebus, and Chouji will be trying to eat Kotorra out of business."

"If only I had lead them better they wouldn't have gotten injured in the first place." Gina frowned and punched him in the head. "OW! What was that for?"

"If there's one thing I can't stand it's the phrase "if only"." She scowled at him. "What's done is done and what is, is. Do you have a magic wand?" Shikamaru looked at her like she'd suddenly grown a second head. "Well, do you?"

"No."

"Do you have a time machine or some time travelling jutsu?"

"No."

"Are you God?"

"No, what are you trying to say."

"Well then, you can't go back in time and fix what happened but you're still alive so you can figure out what went wrong and make sure you don't make the same mistake again." (2)

"But…what if I mess up again?" She slapped him this time. "OW! What the hell…"

"That's another phrase I can't stand." Gina put her hands on her hips. "As my uncle used to say: Fuck "what" and tell "if" to kiss my ass. (3) If I worried about every little setback I encountered in life I'd never accomplish anything at all. Life is hard but guess what? You're still alive and right now so are they."

"…I suppose you're right."

"Of course I am. And if I wasn't I'd just start crying and I would be right instantly (4)."

"How troublesome."

The sound of feet running down the hall caught their attention and they stood up. The doors on the opposite end of the hall swung open and a group of medics rushed in with a stretcher. On it was Kiba. Gina put her hand on Shikamaru's shoulder as they watched the group pass.

It was dusk when Kakashi came by to tell Shikamaru the final outcome of the mission.

"Well Shikamaru, despite everything your first mission was a success." Said the cycloptic jounin. The chuunin's head shot up.

"What?"

"Mm." nodded Kakashi. "There were injuries but in the end Sasuke was brought back to the village."

"Hey, what about Naruto? Where is he?" Gina asked.

"Don't worry about him, he's a little beat up but he'll be fine. When I got there he and Sasuke were really getting into it."

"Damn, I guess Koto couldn't hold Sasuke long enough."

"If she hadn't been restraining him I don't want to think what could have happened before I got there."

"What do you mean?" Shikamaru asked. "I thought Kotorra was in the village?"

"She was and is." Gina replied. "But thanks to this," she tapped the BorgFish behind her ear. "that's a non-issue. Although I don't think she'll be trying that again with an unwilling subject any time soon. She got one hell of a headache afterwards."

In the morning the village was abuzz with news. Everyone was talking about how the Uchiha was kidnapped and how a team of rookies led by a chuunin helped to bring him back. Gina smirked as she served the customers. That wasn't exactly what had happened but she wasn't about to tell them any different. It was too soon after the attack from Suna and Oto for people to hear what really happened. She grimaced at that thought.

Sasuke had left the village. She wasn't really surprised at that for some reason, but it still made her angry at the younger teen. From watching him she knew that despite everything the kid had it damn good. Not many people could say that after being left orphaned a whole village had rallied behind them. But then again, he was the last of a prized bloodline and she'd learned that in this world, who your parents were holds a lot of weight. Gina shook her head and went over to the kitchen to pick up her orders.

At the Inuzuka's Veterinary Clinic, Bradley was tending to Akamaru and listening to him tell about his and Kiba's battle with Sakon and Ukon.

"Heh, you really gave 'em hell huh?" chuckled Bradley as he checked over the puppy's wounds. "Then what happened?"

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Enter."

The door opened and in stepped a chuunin Bradley didn't recognize.

"Yes?"

"Er… Bradley Davis?" the chuunin seemed slightly unnerved. The dog hybrid gave a nod and internally sighed. He'd thought people were used to his appearance by now. "I have a message for you from Hokage-sama." He handed Bradley a piece of paper. The joker read it over.

"I guess you'll have to tell me about it some other time, Akamaru."

Kotorra was handed a similar letter by another chuunin who also saw fit to put in a delivery order for the ninjas handing out missions that day. Confused as to what the Hokage could want, and cursing her bad timing she hurriedly put up a sign and told Gina to connect to her BorgFish once the last customer had left.

Bradley and Kotorra were a bit surprised to find themselves standing before not one, but two Hokages; both the present and the former.

"Well, this must be important if you're both in here." Muttered Kotorra. Bradley elbowed her.

"I know your both busy but I have a favour to ask you." Tsunade said evenly. Both teenagers cocked their heads to the side. What could the Hokage possibly want with them that ninjas couldn't do? Sarutobi decided to explain.

The trio would be accompanying him as a diplomatic envoy to Sunagakure to renegotiate the treaty between the two villages. Naturally they would also be accompanied by ANBU.

"But why us?" Bradley asked.

"As civilians you carry less suspicion than a ninja does and will be able to move more freely within the village." Tsunade replied. "You are also the only non-shinobi I know well enough to entrust this duty with."

"So we're spies now?"

"Not exactly. You will be helping negotiate terms as a neutral party. Get a feel for what the village is like and find a way to negotiate terms that are favourable to both parties." Sarutobi said. "You may live in the village but you've never officially been made citizens. More like permanent residents. As such you have no real ties to the village and won't be perceived as having any real bias to side with us."

"But we work within the village." Kotorra pointed out. "All our business is here, isn't that a bias to work out a favourable position for Konoha in order to better our own condition?"

"You could just as easily set up business elsewhere." Tsunade pointed out. "And the fact that you openly brought that point up shows that you are willing to think of the other party's issues and take them into consideration."

"Damn my diplomacy training…" grumbled Kotorra. "All right, say we agree to go. What's in it for us? I'll have to close shop again which is very bad for my income and Bradley will be away from the clinic which means we have no revenue."

"What if I find someone to run your restaurant for you and I'll compensate you for the earnings you would have lost while you were gone."

"You may find somebody to run the restaurant but I do all my own cooking. Unless the person you find is a competent cook I won't go. Also, my shop pulls in a five hundred thousand ryo a week (5); I want twice as much as a guarantee that in the event something goes wrong I have something to fall back on."

"What! That's one million ryou a week! That's almost as much as a double S class mission!"

"Think of it as hazard pay. You're sending a civilian into possibly hostile territory and putting my business at risk. One million ryou or no go."

"Fine. I'll agree to the terms but you only get half the amount if the negotiations fail." Tsunade was adamant. There was no way she was going to be out-haggled by a girl thrity years her junior. Bradley snickered.

"You don't need to worry about that. Out of the three of us, Kotorra is the only one who had a shot at becoming a Master Trader." Kotorra looked at the floor in embarrassment. She'd heard the compliment several times from many of her handlers and it still made her feel sheepish. She suddenly felt Gina's presence in the back of her head.

"**So nice of you to join us.**"

"**What did I miss?**" Gina asked. Kotorra filled her in. "**Woo! Field trip!**"

"Master Trader?" Tsunade asked.

"It's the equivalent of a kage in their organization." Sarutobi explained. "Didn't you read the scroll I left you?" The Godaime glared at him.

"You know damn well I still haven't gotten through all that wretched paperwork you left behind!"

"Er…ahem…yes. At any rate, if Kotorra is that good I would think we'd have nothing to worry about. Besides, she was doing just fine with you and your one of the most stubborn people I know."

"Remind me why I keep you around…"

"I keep the Council off your back about you know what."

"Ah yes."

Orochimaru was not pleased. When neither Sasuke nor the Sound Five had entered the village, he knew something had gone very wrong. Annoyed but satisfied in the knowledge that Sasuke would come to him sooner or later, he made plans to get a bit of payback for the delay in his machinations. "Kabuto." He called. Said young man immediately appeared before him.

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama?"

"How goes your research into the specimen you found?"

"It is truly amazing." Kabuto's eerie smile did not phase the snake sennnin. "I have concluded that the subject is indeed human but the ability to produce knives from his body seems to be some sort of bloodline limit. Even more amazing is that his DNA holds some rather peculiar qualities."

"Peculiar in what way?"

"For starters it shows signs that it had been severely altered on a scale too grand to comprehend. There is also some sort of virus present in his blood that I've never encountered before. I have reason to believe that not only was it responsible for the changes in his body, but he was born with it."

"Meaning that there may be others like him I take it. How very interesting. Is there anything else?"

"No. I am attempting to clone the specimen and see if I can learn anything more."

"Very good. Keep me informed of your progress. In the meantime, tell Mizurei I have a task for him…"

As Bradley and a very pleased Kotorra made their way back to the restaurant, Gina suddenly chimed in with a question.

"**Hey, did either of you find out what happened to the BorgFish Naruto planted on Asshat?**"

Both wild cards stopped walking.

"You don't think he's still wearing it do you?" Kotorra asked.

"There's one way to find out." Bradley replied. "Do you want to try?"

"Oh no, I already got one headache from Asshat and his inner asshole, I don't want another one. You do it."

"Wuss. Guess it's my turn to reach out and touch someone… **Hey, Asshat you there?**" He waited a moment but didn't get a response. Undaunted he tried again but still nothing. "Either he's either asleep, not answering, or he doesn't have the BorgFish on anymore."

"Let's hope it's the third one. I don't want that guy getting curious about it."

"You needn't worry about that." Somebody said behind them.

"AAAAAGH!" they both turned around.

"Yo." Waved Kakashi. Kotorra hit him, Bradley turned into a bull mastiff and bit his hand.

"Don't _do_ that!"

"Sorry." Kakashi shrugged. The two teenagers were unconvinced. "Naruto asked me to give this back to you." He held out the BorgFish and Kotorra took it from him. "He also told me not to put it on no matter what." He frowned. "Just what did you do to Sasuke."

"We talked." Kotorra said frankly. "What's going to happen to him?"

"I don't know. By all accounts he ought to be executed but given his unique situation that seems unlikely. He will be punished, that is a certainty."

"I see…"

_Hoo freakin' yeah! Long chapter (long for me anyway, 11 and a half page snot counting the head and footnotes in size twelve font), and serious canon plot divergence. We leave Konoha to follow the Kejibi into Suna. What will happen on the way?_

1) First major change. If you recall, Tsunade did send a medic team but the Sand Siblings had gone after Naruto-tachi in the manga instead. Also, Kakashi didn't chase after Sasuke and Naruto until (near ad I've been able to guess from reading the manga) some time either before the fight with Kimimaro and after Kiba and Akamaru started fighting Sakon and Ukon. In my version, Lee didn't escape from the hospital either, but I needed someone to distract Kimimaro, Sakon, Ukon, and Tayuya so Gai, Kurenai, and Asuma were deployed.

2) Second major change. Nara Shikaku comes to the hospital to talk to Shikamaru and not Gina. But since Gina's already at the hospital I figure she'll do.

3) I don't remember where I heard this but I've made it a part of my personal philosophy.

4) "Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right, instantly." Thomas C. Haliburton

5) Five thousand dollars using the Rollercoaster Tycoon conversion scale.


	25. Chapter 24

"Even though they removed the leash from my neck, the fence is still up."  
-Unknown

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

They had a week before they had to leave the village to go to Sunagakure, so Kotorra spent it training her temporary employees.

"All right Hinata," Kotorra said. "I've written all my recipes down and put them in that scroll over there. (sigh) I wish I had a spiral-backed notebook instead. Writing on parchment makes me feel like a scribe. Er…Anyway, if you follow the instructions exactly you'll be all right. If you have food left over be sure to pack it up and take it with you. I usually take whatever's left over to Naruto." She noticed Hinata fighting back a blush but didn't say anything. "That boy eats far too much ramen, it's a wonder he doesn't have clogged arteries. I'm trusting you to make sure he eats well."

"Ah..hai." squeaked Hinata.

She nodded her approval at the bluenette and then turned her attention to Shino. "As for you, you're responsible for the cash box and the supplies. The list of suppliers is hanging on the wall next to the meat fridge but the general rundown is that we get our meat from Masataka Hiro, milk and produce from Wataro Ririn, and spices from Daichi Goromaru. Make sure you update the accounting ledger and put the cash box in the safe before you lock up at night. I'll give you the keys before I leave for Suna."

Since Kiba was still in the hospital, and Shino wasn't quite well enough to go on serious missions yet, Tsunade decided Shino and Hinata would be the best candidates to mind KGB Mochikaeri. Kotorra didn't argue, glad she was leaving the restaurant in the care of friends.

"Hey! What about us? What do you want us to do, Kotorra-san?" Konohamaru was bouncing in his toes in anticipation.

"Have you forgotten already?" the dark-skinned young woman gave him a teasing smile. "You and Udon are my delivery boys."

"What!"

"Gina will show you the map with the fastest routes to our regular customers and Iruka has given his permission to exempt you from class early as long as you are working here. Deliver the food in under fifteen minutes or Shino here will take it out of your pay."

"We're getting paid?" sniffed Udon. Kotorra snorted.

"Of course you are. This is a mission. You won't get paid as much as a genin but you'll get paid."

"What about me?" Moegi asked a bit nervously. "What am I supposed to do?" Gina put a hand on her shoulder, causing her to jump.

"You little lady are getting a crash course in table waiting." She took out four trays. "You're training to be a kunoichi right? Try balancing these on your arms. I'll decide what to do next once you've made the attempt."

As much as he liked working at the clinic, Bradley knew he wouldn't be needed there much nowadays. His patients, for the most part, were at the point where they no longer needed to come in for therapy. Although there would be no helping that one cat, what was his name? Mora? Sora? Well, at any rate, he was resigning from the clinic at the end of the week.

Inuzuka Tsume was the most dismayed by this news but respected his decision. Besides, if they ever did need him at the clinic they could send for him. Still, she was going to miss talking to Bradley. It was rare to find a non-Inuzuka that understood canines; but for Bradley it wasn't that difficult since he practically was one.

Right now, he was enjoying his new freedom by doing a bit of shopping. He grimaced at his shoes. They were beginning to wear out and soon he would have to disregard them entirely. He could walk around barefoot, in fact he preferred it, but if his tail and ears still drew a lot of attention to him, his feet would make him even more noticeable never mind easy to track.

"Bradley-kun!" a friendly voice called.

"Huh?" he turned around and didn't see anyone. Then he looked down; there was a small pig wearing a pearl necklace. "Hi Ton-Ton, where's Shizune?" The little pig smiled.

"I was bored sitting around the office so I thought I'd take a walk. I'm glad I ran into you though, there's something you need to know."

"Something we need to know?" he cocked his head to one side. "Tell me while we walk."

While he couldn't say he was surprised by the news it was still very disturbing. Some members of the council felt that the Kejibi should be reigned in, insisting that they had too much freedom within the village for outsiders and that it still hasn't been proven that they _didn't _have anything to do with the attack from Suna to begin with; never mind that there wasn't any proof that the Kejibi had any connection to the attack either. They were being watched, by whom nobody knew, but the council had their informants and the informants were saying that the trio was hiding something. They were, but it was for the good of the village not the detriment of it. While they were out of the village, the council was going to send their agents to, for lack of a better term, go through their stuff.

"I'm beginning to see why Tsunade seems so frustrated by those people." Sighed Bradley, making a mental note to have Kotorra start making her infamous proximity alarms. The thought struck him as to why they hadn't thought of that before now. _But then again we didn't think we were still being monitored_. _Those idiots don't realize they're not dealing with civilians. Ninja or no, you can't avoid a trap if you can't see or understand_. "Thanks for the heads up TonTon, I'll be on my toes from now on. As a token of my appreciation why don't I treat you to some of K's mushroom soup?"

"Throw in some of those fluffy biscuits with the creamy sauce and you have a deal."

Outside of the village, Kurogata Mizurei sat in a tree and observed. Orochimaru was finally letting him out to play. His informants had said that his target would be leaving the village for Suna in another four days and while he was waiting, he decided he'd watch the village. Who knows, maybe he'd learn something useful and Orochimaru would let him out more often. Something wet splattered on the top of his head and he grimaced. "Damn birds…"

"How long is it going to take us to get to Sunagakure?" Bradley asked the Sandaime as they waited for Shikamaru and the recovered Naruto to finish loading the luggage.

"About three days." The old man replied, letting a small puff out of his pipe. "We'll be spending the next week or two there. Before we get there I want to ask you to remain in the form of a dog, preferably a small one."

"Huh?" blinked the dog hybrid. "What for? And why didn't you say something earlier?"

"Well, we only told the Suna council that Konoha would send three diplomats, namely myself Kotorra and Gina. We didn't inform them of any other non-shinobi attending this meeting because…"

"…they are still technically the enemy and this could all be a ploy to get rid of the Sandaime and shake the resolve of Konoha. Right?" Kotorra piped up from behind Sarutobi who had flinched slightly.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"I've been here the whole time."

"You know I hate it when you do that Kotorra."

"Hey, I like to take advantage of the fact that you ninjas never notice we're around until we're standing right next to you." She gave him a somewhat eerie smile. "Anyway, it's always good to have an ace in the hole. We'll say Bradley's my dog."

"Why can't he be my dog?" Gina suddenly said, startling the Sandaime once again.

"Don't you know it's not nice to scare an old man?" glared Sarutobi. Gina gave an unapologetic grin.

"You want him to be your dog? Fine." Shrugged Kotorra. "But won't people be suspicious if they see him wandering around without his "owner"?"

"We'll just create a kage bunshin and leave it in the room. Bradley will change into another breed of dog and survey the village in that form."

"And what am I supposed to be looking for?" asked Bradley.

To put it in simple terms he was to see if there were any traces of Sound shinobi or their affiliates still within the village. The way his investigation turned out would weigh heavily on the negotiations. He would have two days. The Hokage and the girls would slow the negotiations as much as possible while he searched.

"We'll need a camera…Yeek!" Kotorra's left hand had flashed purple when she said "camera" and sure enough, when she opened it, there was a small video camera (like the ones they covertly mount in pens). "I'm still not used to that." She grumbled.

"Does that happen often?" asked the Sandaime, intrigued.

"It's been happening more frequently since that business with Sasuke." Sighed the brunette. "Yesterday I caught Jiraiya peeping at me and the next thing I knew I had a baseball bat in my hand."

"You didn't have to hit me so hard, Kotorra-san." Jiraiya had sidled up to the group just then.

"Serves you right Ero-sennin." Glared Naruto.

"How many times have I told you to stop calling me that?"

"You keep saying I never listen to you, so why are you asking me?"

"Why you…" Jiraiya made to strangle the boy.

"Mendokuse…" sighed Shikamaru. "All the things are loaded, can I go now?"

"Yes. Thank you for your assistance Shikamaru, and you as well Naruto." said the Sandaime.

"Can't I go with you?" pouted Naruto.

"No, we've got something else in mind for you." He turned around and faced the carriage. "Now if you would be so kind as to dispel your henge and your kage bunshin then come down from the carriage we can be on our way."

The Kejibi looked at the person they thought was Naruto in confusion until "he" disappeared into a puff of smoke. Another puff of smoke in the luggage rack and Naruto jumped down in front of Gina.

"Naruto…" glared Jiraiya.

"You're no fun Ero-sennin." Pouted "Naruto". Another puff of smoke and the kage bunshin was dispelled. One of the bags turned into a very annoyed Uzumaki Naruto.

"I thought there were one too many bags up there." Gina muttered to herself.

"Don't be mad Naruto. We promise we'll bring you a souvenir." Said Kotorra.

"Failing that, we'll buy you all the ramen you want when we get back." Bradley stated.

"You'll be bankrupt by the end of the day then." Snorted Shikamaru.

"Can we just go already!" whined Gina.

A desert is a dry place covered in sand and full of dangerous creatures. It's scorching hot during the day and near freezing at night and if the temperature changes don't kill you the poisonous creatures or boredom will.

"_No one knows what happened that day_

_Or how his car overturned in flames_

_But as they pulled him from the twisted wreck_

_With his dying breath they heard him say…_(1)"

"Bradley! Stop singing that wretched song! You're depressing me!" whined Gina.

"Hey, I've got to do something to stave off the boredom. If I have to stare at the sand any longer I think my head will cave in."

"Yeah, but why _that_ song? It's older than my grandfather!"

"It was the only one I could think of!"

"Well if you're bored I'd be happy to lend you my book for a while." Said the Hokage. The trio took one look at the title and glared at him. "I was kidding there's no need for that."

Silence reigned in the wagon for a while until…

"Kotorra, you seem bothered by something. Is there something wrong?" Sandaime asked. Kotorra looked at her two companions as they silently debated. Sarutobi could only watch as they communicated silently. But as soon as it started it was over.

"Hokage-sama," the short-haired brunette said carefully. "we have reason to believe that the council is trying to undermine Tsunade's authority and had been attempting to undermine yours in the past."

"Oh?" frowned the old man. "Those are serious accusations, what proof do you have?"

"Besides the testimony of a pig and a gut feeling, nothing." Sighed Kotorra. "We don't want any trouble with the council but if they start something we won't be held responsible for what happens. We've done nothing to deserve such treatment."

"But you have been keeping things from us."

"So have you. I see no reason to divulge information when nothing has been offered to me in exchange. Besides, we have told you what was necessary and important. Should anything else we know become relevant you will know. Not a second before."

"Fair enough, but I don't believe the council will be as patient."

"Aren't there laws about this kind of thing?" Gina asked. "I mean, where we come from you need a warrant to search a house."

"But Gina, in this case it's like the District Attorney or a judge has a vendetta against you personally and gives the police carte blanche to pretty much ransack your place." Bradley pointed out. Gina sucked her teeth. "What makes it worse is that to them we're just civilians."

"Mul'chaktaar!!" Gina threw up her hands in disgust and let off a string of other words Sarutobi couldn't understand.

"What did she just say?" the Hokage asked.

"Well, the first word, "mul'chaktaar", the closest equivalent in your language is "pig-fucking sons of a shit-eater". The rest I refuse to translate." Deadpanned Kotorra. "And really Gina, Uvukritz?"

"Oh please, there are worse languages." Snorted the other girl.

"True, but at least in most of the others every other word isn't profane."

The next day, after breaking camp, the trio entertained the Hokage with stories from home.

"So there were about twenty kids standing around saluting and we look up, and sure enough poor Zachary is hung up by his shorts from the flagpole." Rambled Gina.

"God I felt sorry for him." Bradley shook his head. "But then again he shouldn't have said all that crap about Yannik's girlfriend." Gina was about to make a comment on that when the sound of a body hitting the ground and yelling cut her off.

"The Hell?"

"Everyone! Stay in the carriage!" one of their ANBU escorts yelled. As tempted as they were to look outside, Kotorra and the Hokage hurriedly shut the windows. If for some reason things went south, there was an escape hatch in the floor of their carriage.

Kurogata Mizurei (2) leered at the two remaining ANBU he now faced. It had been so easy to kill and impersonate their comrade before their little caravan left for Sunagakure. Now that they were exactly halfway between the two villages (a day and a half in each direction) he was in the perfect position to carry out the orders given to him by Orochimaru. But first, there was the matter of the watchdogs in his way. "So…who wants to die?"

_It's a cliffhanger! Hooray cliffhangers! And Happy New Year to all my friends in the Depraved Masses!_

1) "Tell Laura I Love Her" by Dickey Lee. The song is supposed to be depressing but for some reason I can't help but laugh at it.

2) In case you've forgotten he was mentioned in the last chapter.


	26. Chapter 25

"Come to ground zero it's awesome!"

-from MythBusters

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

The ANBU tensed, hands itching to clutch their weapons as the now exposed impostor eyed them all with barely contained glee. They weren't fooled for a minute, this man was dangerous; he removed the stolen white mask with a lightning bolt on the right side, revealing a smile that was getting wider and more grotesque by the second.

"Come on, surely you're not afraid of me are you?" he cocked his head to the side. "After all…you're only going to die!" He dropped the mask into the sand and vanished.

Immediately the ANBU scanned their surroundings while moving to better positions; the leader, in a plain white mask on the roof, one of his subordinates (who was wearing a white mask with a water pattern on it) in front of the door, and the other (who was wearing a similar mask as his comrade except with a fire pattern) on the other side of the carriage. The target was obvious, when the first strike would come was another matter entirely and there was no time to properly mould their chakra for a barrier jutsu.

"Where is he?" growled the leader. "Blaze, Torrent, keep your eyes open. Our mission is to guard the ambassadors with our lives. The pride and future of Konohagakure is at stake. Failure is not an option." To himself he said, "I don't know who this guy is but if he managed to kill Lightning _and_ fool us for this long he's no ordinary assassin."

"Sir!" chorused the operatives.

Inside the carriage, the occupants stared into each other's eyes staying completely silent. Sandaime took the time to observe the teenagers. Gina had her hands over her mouth and she was quivering. Bradley's ears and nose twitched from the tension. Kotorra, though seemingly impassive if you only looked at her face; but her entire body was tensed. As he watched them, however, he could almost see hints of a silent conversation going on.

Back outside, the three ANBU intently scanned the landscape hoping to catch something, anything amiss. A voice that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere all at once cried out:

"Doton: Gaiza no Jutsu (1)."

Without warning the sand beneath the carriage heaved and gushed upwards, tossing the carriage and the ANBU surrounding it in different directions. At the same time, a figure seemed to rise out of the sand (2) and leapt towards the upturned carriage.

"No!" yelled Blaze. "Katon: Ryuka no Jutsu !" A stream of fire shot out towards the attacker singing his arm. It wasn't meant to do any serious damage but to get the assassin's attention. It worked.

Mizurei ignored the stinging sensation in his arm, turning around sharply to glare at the fire-masked shinobi. "Impatient are we?" The hairs on the back of his neck stood up and he ducked, avoiding being decapitated by a ninja-to. He somersaulted and kicked up, catching the water-masked ANBU in the chest. Coming up out of the somersault he jumped to the left and made a series of handseals ending in a boar seal before placing both his hands on the ground. "Three against one isn't fair so I'll even the odds a bit…Ninpo: Nendoheishi (3)!" Four samurai, each one nine feet tall, seemed to rise from the sand in front of him in full armour and wielding some very impressive-looking odachi (4). "Ike!"

"Damn…" cursed Torrent as one of the clay soldiers rushed towards him. They may have been big but they were fast. It swung it's sword in a wide arc and missed, but the force of the sword hitting the ground was enough to throw up a decent amount of sand, obscuring Torrent's view. He didn't relax though, something told him that these things wouldn't need to see. No matter, he would at least keep it away from the carriage.

"Blaze!" the ANBU captain yelled. "You and Torrent take care of these golems, I'll go after the assassin."

"Hai, Ghost-taicho!" Blaze called back, quickly avoiding a horizontal strike from one of the two clay soldiers that were chasing him.

Not waiting for Torrent to respond since he was too busy trying not to die, Ghost chased after the murderous ninja.

"Is it too much to ask that you wait until I'm done with your charges before you come play with me?" Mizurei asked childishly.

"You shouldn't even have to ask." Growled Ghost. "Magen:Obanoyo Aruki (5)." He vanished.

"Ooh! Hide and Seek! And it would seem that I'm "It". Don't expect me to count, though." Ghost didn't answer him, but then again he wasn't expecting one. "Ready or not, here I come."

Torrent and Blaze stood back to back the clay soldiers surrounded them.

"If we don't get out of this alive," Torrent said. "I just want you to know that I've always loved you."

"Now is not the time to be making stupid jokes, Torrent." Deadpanned Blaze. (6)

"Sorry, it just seemed appropriate. You ready?"

"If this doesn't work, I'm going to kill you."

Both steeled themselves as the clay samurai charged, swords first.

BOOM! The impact of all four warriors colliding sent a shockwave across the sand. When the sand settled the shattered remains of the clay samurai was all that remained. Several seconds later, a hand erupted from the centre of the crash site followed by another one. Blaze coughed and hauled himself out, he was shortly followed Torrent.

"Why is it?" wheezed Blaze. "That every time I go on a mission with you I end up burying us alive to get out of trouble?"

"Dunno." Hacked Torrent. "Let's just make sure Hokage-sama and the kids are okay."

Mizurei was getting frustrated. He'd been throwing up sand to try and flush out Ghost but no luck. He didn't want to waste chakra making another set of clay samurai, he'd need all he could spare if he was going to kill the Sandaime Hokage, the brats would be no trouble. But first, he needed to get rid of these annoying ANBU. The other two had managed to defeat his samurai and would be going to guard the old man and the children. There was no helping it, he had to complete his mission. "Today is a good day to die…"

Ghost had been slowly circling Mizurei, making sure not to disturb the sand. Obanoyo Aruki did render one completely invisible but only when you weren't moving faster than a slow walk or standing completely still. He had been very fortunate that Mizurei hadn't been able to figure out where he had been, or that he'd used the distraction from the various upheavals of sand to quickly move to another location. The whole time he'd been making handseals and preparing his attack. He wasn't expecting his target to suddenly bolt towards the carriage. Mentally he cursed, dropping his jutsu and chasing Mizurei in a flat out run to stop him.

Blaze and Torrent had spotted the assassin as well and had taken up a guard position in front of the carriage. Mizurei smirked at them, leaping over their heads to the other side of the carriage. His eyes widened in horror when he saw what was waiting for him on the other side. Even if there had been time, he wouldn't have been able to scream.

The ANBU arrived on the scene three seconds later, which was enough time to see an eight foot werewolf with Mizurei's neck between its teeth. Sandaime and the two girls seemed to be in an equal state of shock. In one swift movement, the werewolf snapped it's jaws shut, neatly removing the head from the rest of the body, and spat out the neck. It looked a little sick and slowly turned into a very ill looking Bradley.

He wasn't completely sure what happened. One second his senses were screaming "Danger! Danger!" and the next thing he knew, he was tasting blood. None of it his own. He stared into the horrified eyes of Gina and Kotorra, the wary eyes of the Sandaime, and the emotionless masks of the three ANBU. As if in a trance he gazed at the body at his feet, brought his hand up to his face and wiped around his mouth. The blood was still there. He felt himself falling to the ground and faintly heard his friends yelling his name.

_Yeah this chapter is short but there was ACTION! Was it okay? I usually avoid writing fight scenes because I can see how it would play out but describing it without using martial arts terms is a little difficult (tenkan into a reverse dropping kick anyone?)._

1) Earth Release: Geyser Technique. Made this one up. If I had to rank this It'd probably be B-Rank.

2) If you've seen Desert Punk, you know what this would look like.

3) Ninja Art: Clay Soldier. Another one of my made-up techniques. Probably A-Rank. Think of it like Taju Kage Bunshin no Jutsu only the clones are made out of chakra reinforced terracotta.

4) Not to be confused with a nodachi. A nodachi is usually no more than thirty-three centimetres long, an odachi can be ninety centimetres or more in length.

5) Demonic Illusion: Spectral Walking.

6) Just so you know this isn't a yaoi moment just a very bad joke.


	27. Chapter 26

"All of mankind is evil"  
-Air Gear, episode 8

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

They had been hiding in the carriage staring and asking each other if they should just get out. It was decided for them when the felt the whole thing suddenly rocket up and roll over…twice. The Sandaime had all but shoved them through the escape hatch and they stood in the sand, dazed and utterly stymied about what they should do next. Then he smelt it. Blood on the wind. And then everything seemed to turn crimson and yet unimaginably clear all at once…

Something awoke.

The next few moments were a blur of sudden movement and a warm, metallic liquid in his mouth.

"Is he going to be okay?" Sandaime asked. For the remainder of their trip to Sunagakure Bradley had been out like a light and nothing they tried seemed to snap him out of it.

"I honestly don't know." Sighed Kotorra. "Nothing like this has ever happened before. Quite frankly we're stumped as to what to do."

"I see… With our fourth escort turning out to be an assassin, we are saved the trouble of having Bradley remain a dog throughout this visit since we have a pass for seven people. However, with him unconscious he can't carry out his part of the mission."

"Then let me do it." Said Gina. "I'm not as useful at negotiations and there's not point of both me and Kotorra being in there. Even if he does wake up before the negotiations start I'm not sure he'd be up for it. He's never actually killed anyone before."

"I agree, we should let him alone. Gina will play tourist and keep an eye out for suspicious characters." Kotorra tossed her the tiny camera she'd created before they'd left Konoha. "We'll just say you're a backup negotiator in case either Sandaime or myself gets sick or something."

"Roger! Brain me if Bradley wakes up."

"Count on it."

"Here, you'll need this." Sandaime said, handing her a bronze necklace with a medallion bearing the Konoha symbol on it. "It will identify you as part of the diplomatic delegation."

"Thanks."

As she walked the streets, Gina couldn't help but be reminded of various movies set in the desert. All the buildings were made of clay and stone and bleached looking from long exposure to the sun. However, it was far from depressing despite the drab hues. Children ran through the streets playing, people shopped and stopped to chat with each other; it was almost like being in Konoha.

"I guess no matter where you go people are the same." Gina sighed, then frowned. "But if I run into anyone remotely like Maito Gai out here I'm locking myself in the hotel room until the negotiations are over. Now then… I think I'll visit the east side."

Bradley still hadn't woken up when a Suna jounin came to take the diplomats to the meeting place. Not wanting to leave him alone, one of the ANBU, Blaze, was left behind to watch over him.

"The Sandaime Hokage of Konoha and Lewis Kotorra." Announced the jounin.

"Ah, Sandaime-sama, it is an honour." One of the council members said. "Although I am unfamiliar with your…companion."

"Hmph, indeed. Does Konoha mean to insult us, sending a child here to negotiate?" scoffed another councilman. The Sandaime was going to answer but Kotorra beat him to it.

"You send children younger than me to fight in your battles it should not surprise you that Konoha send one to parley with you. If my presence offends you I will leave, know however that Konoha will take this as a sign of unwillingness to negotiate." Kotorra's voice, while flat, had a steel edge to it. Sarutobi was impressed and it seemed so were the councilmen as the eldest one let out a bark of laughter.

"Ha! Lewis-san may be young but she knows the rules of the game better than you, Noburo!" Noburo looked sheepish. "Well done Lewis-san." Kotorra bowed.

"Thank you." Despite her neutral appearance she was very pleased with herself. _That'll teach that old man not to trifle with a Network Trader_. "Shall we begin then?"

As the negotiations got underway, Gina was getting bored with her assignment. Thus far, she'd seen nothing out of the ordinary. Then again if she had that would prove that Oto was no threat to Konoha if even she could pick them out. Unless of course they _wanted_ her to see them and then she'd be in real trouble. But for now…

"I am so bored…" Gina sighed, leaning against a conveniently located post. "and it's freakin' hot out here. I knew I should've worn the short-sleeved shirt."

"Hey you…" a voice called. She looked around and spotted a familiar costume.

"Eh?? Shounen Kabuki (1)?"

"The hell? I know you or somethin'?" glared the "kabuki".

"Not really. I was one of the spectators during the chuunin exams. By the way, you owe me a soda."

"What? I don't even know you!"

"No you don't, but you weaselled out of a perfectly good fight with Aburame Shino and I should be compensated for my loss of entertainment."

"Listen girl…"

"No." and she grabbed his wrist. "I'm parched and I want a soda."

Kankuro was very confused. He was talking a walk, minding his own business when he comes across this weird girl who up and calls him "Shounen Kabuki" then demands a soda. Now he was accompanying her around the village. Actually, she was dragging him but there's no way he was going to admit to being led around by some…civilian girl.

"You still haven't told me who you are." Kankuro said.

"Oh sorry." Muttered the girl half-heartedly. "McCartney Gina. Geez, isn't there anyplace around here that has soda? I'll even settle for carbonated water at this point!"

"Has anyone ever told you you're really annoying?"

"Yeah, but I shall blindly ignore that! (2)"

Kankuro felt a headache coming on.

Gina was enjoying herself. Not only had she found somebody to annoy (although annoying Kankuro wasn't nearly as much fun as getting Tsunade's goat), she had finally convinced him to buy her a soda. So now here they were, in a nice cool spot near the village's easternmost wall.

"So…" Kankuro ventured. "What brings you to Sunagakure?"

"In particular or specifically?" she asked, idly sipping her soda.

"Which is the shorter version?" he twitched. Aah being annoying has its perks; people tend to hesitate to ask you for details.

"Well, Booby-baa decided to send the old man and my friends up here for some negotiations."

"Wait a minute! _You're_ one of the diplomats?"

"Didn't I mention that?"

"No." growled Kankuro. Gina gave him a smirk she knew was infuriating.

"Oh." And she made a show of gulping down the rest of her soda.

"Any particular reason why you didn't mention that?"

"You didn't ask." Gina shrugged.

"I did so! I asked you who you were!"

"Yes, but you didn't ask me if I was part of the Konoha delegation."

"ARGH!" She giggled and Kankuro narrowed his already squinted eyes. "You're playing with me!"

"And it only took you the better part of an hour to figure that out." Deadpanned Gina. "I mean really, I've been playing with you since you first saw me. Honestly boys are such…"

"It's you!" a new voice yelled. Both teenagers turned around to see a Sand jounin with a half enraged, half fearful expression on his face. "You're that stone demon!"

"Stone demon?" blinked Kankuro, who regarded Gina with a confused look. "She's part of Konoha's diplomatic envoy she's not from Iwagakure."

"I know what I saw." Glared the jounin. "During the invasion she turned my friend into a statue."

"To be fair, he was trying to kill me at the time." Gina glared right back. "And Kankuro's right, I am from the diplomatic envoy." She brandished the symbol the Sandaime had given her. "You attack me, you attack Konoha." The jounin sneered at her.

"You could have gotten that from anywhere and if you really are with the diplomatic envoy why aren't you attending the negotiations?"

"I'm a stand-in in the event one of the other diplomats takes ill. There is no reason for me to be there unless that happens."

"In that case you're just excess baggage…" and he lunged at her. Fortunately, Kankuro stepped in, disabling him with chakra strings. "Let me go you brat!"

ANBU from Sand appeared on the scene.

"We'll take it from here." Said their leader. Kankuro nodded and stepped back. Once the jounin was secure the ANBU leader bowed to Gina. "I apologize for this, McCartney-kakka (3). Please accept my sincere apology on the village's behalf. This man will be dealt with severely."

"Thank you," Gina bowed back. "I'm just glad that no one was hurt."

"BASTARDS!" screamed the jounin, somehow managing to break free from the ANBU. "DIE DEMONESS!"

A howl, a flash of teeth and fur, and then a bloodcurdling scream; a minute passed before Gina was able to comprehend just what she was seeing.

The ANBU were standing frozen in place as the jounin who was about to attack her stood there screaming and bleeding from his shoulder; his right arm had been completely torn off. Said arm was in the mouth of an eight-foot creature that was part man, part wolf.

"Oo fill vot tuff fur." (4) growled the creature before it spat out the arm.

"Bradley…" whispered Gina. Sheepishly the creature removed the arm from its mouth and scratched the back of its head.

"Er… yeah…" he replied, returning to his far less threatening form. At ease now Gina did the only natural thing. She slapped him.

"YOU IDIOT! DON'T SCARE US LIKE THAT AGAIN! YOU WORRIED US HALF TO DEATH!"

"Sorry. Had I known you were going to be hysterical I'd have regained my senses sooner."

"Dumbass…"

The Suna Shinobi could only watch in confusion as Gina hugged her furry friend and cried into his chest.

Once Gina had calmed down she introduced Bradley to Kankuro who was still in a small state of shock. They couldn't blame the guy really, especially since most people don't turn into werewolves. Then again, his brother is a jinchuuriki, Kankuro ought to have a higher "weird shit" tolerance level than this.

1) Basically, Kabuki Boy. Gina's got a bad habit of nicknaming people doesn't she?

2) Excel Saga line.

3) I recently learned this one. Apparantly the suffix –kakka is used for ambassadors and heads of state. I thought that the ANBU using –sama when speaking to Gina would be a bit strange but he still couldn't appear to be disrespectful so I settled on –kakka.

4) Translation: You will not touch her.


	28. Chapter 27

Where the Hell Are We Now!

By Kaori

"**G UPSIDE YO' HEAD!**" Gina's voice was so loud in Kotorra's mind that she almost jumped out of her chair in surprise.

"**The Hell, Gina?**" Kotorra hissed back. "**We're still in negotiations, are you trying to make this go badly?**"

"**What? I would've thought you guys would take a break by now.**"

"**No, we've been at it since early this morning going back and forth on different issues.**"

"**Eh? Why?**"

"**Paranoia and bureaucracy mostly, but I'm sure you didn't contact me to discuss politics.**"

"**Of course not, Bradley's up.**"

"**Really! Brad! Can you hear me?**"

"**Loud and clear.**" Bradley replied cheerfully.

"**You scared the life out of me, just falling over like that. What happened to you?**"

"**I'll tell you when you guys are done in there. We just wanted to let you know that I'm okay so you can give the negotiations your full attention.**"

She felt Gina and Bradley cut their connections to her and she relaxed a little in her chair. While she wouldn't admit it aloud, the worry had been distracting her quite a bit.

"Our main concern," the elder sitting across from Sandaime Hokage stated. "is the fact that our daimyou has been contracting missions to your village. If we are to survive we must convince him of our strength."

"Yes, but with the Chuunin exams ending the way they did it seems we may have lost our opportunity." Another councilmen sighed.

"Not necessarily." Murmured Kotorra. "Tell me, what is your training like?"

"I'm not sure I understand?"

"Let me rephrase the question. When was the last time you re-evaluated your training methods?"

The elders admitted that they had not changed their training methods in the last thirty years. This was immediately recognized as a problem as many of their approaches were outdated. As a show of goodwill, Sandaime agreed to send some of the instructors from Konoha's Academy to assist with the revision process. While that's going on, Konoha will agree not to take any missions from your daimyou without a Suna shinobi present."

"Why not decline missions from Suna outright?" challenged a particularly stubborn elder called Giro.

"Two reasons," said Sarutobi. "the first being that we expect you to reciprocate by not taking missions from our daimyou without a Konoha shinobi present. The second is much more apparent. We need all the missions we can get to repair our village." The unspoken "damages that you caused" hung in the air.

With that out of the way, the discussion turned to the matter of Otogakure.

"So, Batman," Gina said. Kankuro twitched. First it was Shounen Kabuki now it's Batman? What would she come up with next? He growled at her.

"My name is Kankuro you insufferable…"

"Dude, you just told her that that nickname annoys you. Now she'll never stop calling you Batman." Snorted Bradley.

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

"Damn." Kankuro glanced at Gina warily. He decided a change of subject was in order. "So, you turned a jounin to stone?"

"I don't know what his rank was." Shrugged Gina. "Heck I'm not even sure who that guy was talking about. I must've turned at least six people to stone before we managed to get to safety."

"No, you turned at least six people to stone before you started crushing them to death and _then_ we managed to get to safety." Bradley corrected. "And before you start, yes you did. I never want to be in your way should you learn how to create that golem again."

"Hmph. Just for that you're buying me dinner when we get home."

"Noooo, have mercy!"

"Kankuro! There you are!" a voice called out. There was a hint of exasperation in it.

"Oh, Temari. You were looking for me?" blinked Kankuro. Said blonde walked up to the group, arms akimbo.

"Yes, you're supposed to be helping me train and here I find you goofing off with a couple of kids."

"Yikes! I forgot! This is all your fault!" he glared at Gina who put her hands up in the universal gesture of surrender.

"You could have left any time you wanted to you know." She grinned.

"She's got you there. Aren't you a ninja? It shouldn't be that hard to get away from a sixteen year old gargoyle." Nodded Bradley.

"Hey! Who are you calling a gargoyle?" she lunged at him and he nimbly dodged out of the way. "Get back here." And she chased him down the street.

"Should we follow them?" Temari asked her brother. Kankuro shook his head vigorously and practically dragged her to the training area.

"Okay, what's the big idea calling me a gargoyle?" Gina asked, once she and Bradley were well out of sight of Kankuro and Temari. "You only call me that when you notice something important."

"We're supposed to be on the lookout for Orochimaru's people right?"

"Right…"

"Well, we should get back to it. We've got three more quadrants to cover and only six hours of daylight. We'll probably only get through one more so let's get a move on."

"Fine." Groaned Gina. "Just one question."

"What?"

"Are you going to be my dog?" He smacked her upside the head.

Since they weren't supposed to be wandering around after sunset, the duo went back to the hotel once they'd finished looking around the south side of the village. To their relief (and slight disappointment) they'd found nothing overtly suspicious. To their chagrin, Torrent and Blaze had been following them the entire time they had been investigating.

"You could have said something yanno." Gina glared at the ANBU. "And you could have bought me a soda…"

"What is it with you and the soda?" asked Bradley as he stretched out on the sofa.

"It's one of the few things that remind me of home. You know, we've been here for quite a while and I'm beginning to think we'll never get home."

"You're being awfully upbeat about that."

"Well, there really isn't anything we can do about it since we're stuck here. Besides, it's not all bad. It's actually kind of fun."

"Still, I miss home. I wonder if anyone's missed us."

"Of course they miss us! How could you even ask such a thing? You'll see, once we get home our families will be all weepy and emotional, and there'll be TV interviews…"

As she was extolling about who would play Bradley in the movie version of their adventure when Sandaime and Kotorra entered the room followed by Ghost.

"Ah, I see you both made it back in okay." Kotorra drawled.

"Hey Koto, how'd the negotiations go?"

"Well, we wrote up a draft version of the treaty, it's been sent to Tsunade via messenger bird for her to review for tomorrow's session."

"Are you sure she'll do it right away and not just put it off in favour of booze?" deadpanned Bradley. Silence reigned over the room.

"Er…Bradley, weren't you going to tell us what happened to you?" Kotorra changed the subject. Said boy sat up.

"Ah. Well I think, I may have found a way to go between forms." He cocked his head to the side. "Although, it's a lot harder changing back to my original shape but I think that's because of how painful going halfway is. The first time hurt like a bitch and I was already angry at that assassin; the emotional strain was a bit too much I suppose."

"So, you only go lycanthrope on us when you get really mad?"

"Maybe. I've tried to do it without being angry and it doesn't quite work out. Kind of like Gina and her golem, and you with that whatever the heck that was you did."

"And knowing you there's only one thing that really pisses you off, so I suppose we shouldn't worry about that too much." Shrugged Gina. "Anyway, I'm tired and my feet hurt so I'm going to my bed. G'night."

"I think we could all use some sleep." Sarutobi agreed. And they all retired to bed.

_Next chapter, Bradley and Gina run into the Sand Siblings again, Kotorra gets the bird, and we peek in on Hinata and Shino as they run the Kejibi Mochikaeri._


	29. Chapter 28

To clear up some confusion: Strictly speaking Bradley is not a werewolf as he part man, part dog most of the time. Theoretically, he could become a werejackal or a werefox if he thought about it. Hmmm… I just got an idea…

To cause some confusion: The assumption that the upper levels of the wild cards' powers are triggered by anger is only half correct. Gina and Bradley were angry when they triggered theirs in chapters 10 and 26 but Kotorra wasn't in chapter 16 when she triggered hers. And by the way, when it comes to Gina and Kotorra, you've only been given a small taste of what they are capable of.

Best laugh I had this week: "So Bush is all like, "nuh uh" and the House was like "subpoenowned" and now the Senate is all like "what they said biatch."

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Ten thirty in the morning and no messenger bird had arrived from Konoha. While no one was particularly worried about this it was slowing progress.

"Really, how long does it take to read fifty pages?" grumbled Kotorra over her breakfast. "Until that bird gets here, everything will have to be put on hold."

"At least we'll still get to snoop around, although we've searched two sectors and there've been no sign of Oto-nin anywhere." Said Bradley. "Gina! That was my sausage!"

"Nm…mine now." Mumbled Gina, swallowing. "If you want it back you'll have to wait a while."

"I'd bite your leg if I wasn't sure I'd break my teeth."

"Yours always grow back."

"It'll still hurt like a bitch though."

"Feh." Gina picked up an apple and took a bite out of it.

"Don't eat too much. You'll be lethargic and lazy all day."

"By the way, why the heck are we still searching? Blaze and Torrent here could do a much better job on their own."

"While that may be the case it would be highly suspicious to have a pair of Konoha ANBU wandering the village, not to mention it would put a strain on diplomatic relations. Sends the wrong kind of message (pass the butter)." Kotorra pointed out. "Besides, when everyone is watching criminals have nowhere to hide."

"We're not hunting criminals we're hunting ninjas."

"Well you have to start somewhere right?"

"Hey, where'd Sandaime-sama go?" Bradley asked.

"He left early; wanted to talk to the council about something. Didn't you notice that Ghost isn't here?"

"I thought he was in the bathroom or something."

"For two hours?"

"Diarrhoea?" shrugged the canine joker. Gina and Kotorra shook their heads.

After the breakfast things were taken away, Bradley and Gina went out (Torrent not too far behind) leaving Kotorra alone with Blaze. Slowly, the short-haired girl stretched her coffee-coloured limbs above her head and turned to look at her guard.

"So…want to go bird watching?" she asked. Blaze cocked his head to the side in confusion.

"Hinata, is that order ready to go yet?" Shino asked.

"Almost…" Hinata called from the kitchen.

The first day of running the restaurant was rather stressful, but once they got the rhythm of it things became easier.

Moegi rushed around the tables like she'd been doing it for years. Gina had drilled the layout of the dining area into her head and ensured that she remembered exactly where every table and chair was even if she was blindfolded. In fact, the female joker _had_ made her navigate the floor blindfolded.

There were twelve tables in all, four had six chairs, four had four chairs, and the remaining four were booths. The booths were in the corners, the tables with six chairs were along the sides (two at the north wall, two at the south wall), and the tables with four chairs were in the middle of the room so that each one was essentially at a cardinal point.

Konohamaru and Udon came running in the door, each with an empty rucksack on their backs.

"Hinata! We're finished making the deliveries!" yelled the Sandaime's grandson.

"No you're not." Shino said quietly. "You still have the order from Gai's team to take." Both boys paled.

It wasn't that Gai's team usually ordered a lot of food, or that they had to go quite a distance from the restaurant to deliver it. Oh no.

"Please Shino, don't make us go to the scary eyebrow people!" they cried.

"If Kotorra-san or Gina-san were here you'd never even ask that. Do you think less of me than you do of them?" One of Shino's bugs crawled (menacingly in Konohamaru and Udon't opinion) across his face.

"No! No! We'll go!" both boys ran into the kitchen to get the orders.

When they were gone, Hinata poked her head out of the kitchen window. "That was mean Shino."

"It is a mission that they accepted. I cannot allow them to abandon it." Hinata wasn't completely convinced but she went back into the kitchen anyway.

Half an hour before the shop was to close so that it could be cleaned in time for dinner Ino, Chouji, and Asuma came in.

"Welcome to Kejibi Mochikaeri." Bowed Moegi. "Would you like a table or a booth?"

"Booth please!" Chouji replied.

"Hey aren't you an Academy Student? Why are you working here?" Ino asked as Moegi seated them.

"Oh. Gina, Bradley, and Kotorra-san are away. Kotorra-san made some kind of deal with the Hokage and Iruka-sensei lets me, Konohamaru, and Udon work here instead of doing endurance training."

"Won't that hurt you in the long run?"

"No, 'cause Iruka-sensei makes us do it once we get off." She pouted. "I don't think that's fair, it's really tiring working here all afternoon. Konohamaru and Udon can barely move after running around making those deliveries. The way Gina-san carries her pack you wouldn't think they were that heavy."

"Is that so…" mused Asuma, giving a furtive glance at Ino and Chouji. Slacking genins all around the village suddenly got an odd chill up their backs. They didn't know it yet, but there was going to be a new D-Rank mission on the list soon.

Back in Sunagakure, Gina and Bradley had the distinct pleasure of running into two familiar faces.

"Not you again!" moaned Kankuro. To be honest he didn't mind Bradley but Gina made it a point to be insufferable. Today the girl was wearing a short-sleeved red shirt with a picture of a flower he didn't recognize on the front, grey gaucho pants and sandals. Her companion was dressed in a white t-shirt with a blue stripe across the abdomen, blue shorts, and no shoes; exposing his dog-like feet. The puppet-user knew the ground must be scorching hot but the canine-human hybrid didn't seem to notice.

"Well that's not very polite." Gina pouted, arms akimbo. "You'd best be careful or you'll put a strain on our diplomatic relations."

"The same could be said for you."

"Nah! Since you are in the weaker position as the failed invaders you are the ones who have to kiss up to us."

"What about fostering good relationships?"

"We'll get to that after the gloating." Gina nodded. Bradley rolled his eyes and then asked her if that was before or after they did the Superior Dance (1). "During."

"What's the Superior Dance?" Temari, who up until now had been bemusedly watching the exchange, inquired. Gina was all too happy to demonstrate.

"Pearl! Strike up the music!" she told Bradley. Said boy started humming the instrumental portion of "Inna Gadda Da Vida" and Gina started strutting her stuff. Temari immediately cracked up.

"I am so going to do that when I pass the jounin exams!" she chuckled. Kankuro looked appalled as Gina continued to dance in the background.

"Don't you dare!"

"If you're going to do it right you'll need practice." Gina said, grabbing Temari's hand so the younger girl was standing next to her. "Bend your knees." She resumed dancing.

"Like this?" Temari followed her.

"No, no. Thrust your hips more! Do it like you own the world!"

"…I don't know you." Twitched Kankuro as several Suna residents gathered around to watch. "Oh kami why me…" Things only got weirder when some teenagers from the crowd joined in. A new craze was about to sweep the shinobi world…

Blaze shook his head as he watched his charge. She was dead to the world; sitting on the roof with her arms crossed and her head bowed. They'd gone up to the roof of the administrative building to wait for the messenger bird and she'd fallen asleep. All in all, the ANBU operative was quite bored. Then he saw it and sweatdropped.

"Tsunade-sama sent _that_ bird?" he thought.

A slight breeze was the only indication that the fowl had passed as it flew by Blaze and…

"AAAAAAAGH!" Kotorra screamed as an impressively sized falcon mercilessly pecked her head and beat at her with its wings.

"Of all the birds, why did Tsunade-sama send Faust? That bird immediately attacks anybody it doesn't recognize, and there are only three people it does." Blaze went over to assist his charge, but soon found it wasn't needed. Once Kotorra had gotten over her surprise she'd grabbed the bird by the legs and glared at it as she hung it upside-down.

"Bird," she said, serious as a grave. "I'm going to tell you this once and only once. You try that again and I will pluck you slowly, stick a cane up your ass, roast you alive over an open fire, and feed you to the Hokage with a side of onion rings. Do I make myself abundantly clear?" Faust, seemed to be in awe. No one had threatened him like that before; most people just continued to scream and panic. He calmed down and stared meekly at Kotorra. She didn't know it, but she just made a friend.

Said girl may not be able to talk to animals but she could make them understand.

"I'm so glad we had this little chat bird. Now let me see that satchel on your back."

_Well that does it for this chapter. I'd tell you what's going to be in the next chapter but to be honest... I don't even know yet. The only thing I can tell you is that Sandaime and the Kejibi are going back to Konoha. By the by does anyone think that Kotorra should keep Kenta the Foul Falcon?_

1) Superior Dance is copyright Dana Carvey (and damn is it fun to do).


	30. Chapter 29

Kaori: (as her cousin and his girlfriend beat each other up) I could watch this all day…

Where the Hell Are We Now!

By Kaori

The treaty approved by the Hokage, was immediately reviewed by the Suna Council of Elders in the presence of Sandaime Hokage, Kotorra, and strangely enough, Faust the Foul Falcon who refused to return to Konoha and adamantly stayed perched on the girl's shoulder. Fortunately, it seemed that all parties were in agreement and the official signing would take place tomorrow. Kotorra would not be needed for that part so she had the entire day to spend with her friends.

"What's with that bird?" Gina asked as they ate their dinner.

"I dunno, he attacked me this afternoon and now he won't leave me alone." Shrugged Kotorra, sprinkling salt over her meat. "Brad, do you know what his deal is?"

"I'll ask." Said Bradley. "Hey, bird, what gives?" Faust screeched and flapped its wings. The dog hybrid started laughing.

"Okay, what's so funny?"

"Heheheh…He… hoohoohoo…says that you…heheheheh…he's never met anybody…(snicker) like you before! HAHAHAHAHA! I think he's in love with you! KYAHAHAHAA" Immediately Gina choked on her food as it is very difficult to swallow and laugh at the same time.

"You cannot be serious." Kotorra looked at the bird askance. "We're not even the same species." The bird just gazed at her adoringly. "You sick bastard! Get offa my shoulder!" And she tried to pry Faust off of her, unfortunately she soon realized that she couldn't do it without ripping her shirt off so she left him alone.

"Ah…l'amour it eez 'ow you say…beautiful, no?" wheezed Gina.

"You shut up!"

"But it's so cute!"

"I'll drown you in the bathtub!"

Faust, seeing an opportunity to impress his "love" attacked Gina much to Kotorra's surprise and Bradley's amusement.

"Yaarrgeroffoutofityahbarstard(1)!" screamed Gina. "Kotorra call off ya bird!"

Not wanting her friend's eyes to be pecked out and hoping that Faust would take the hint Kotorra gave a sharp whistle.

"Oi, bird!" she refused to acknowledge that the lovesick avian had a name. "Enough!" Surprisingly, Faust seemed to understand and resumed his perch on her shoulder. "Huh, what do you know, he understands human speech but isn't able to talk. So, bird, I guess I just have to ask yes or no questions until I can either teach you to talk or learn how to speak falcon."

The following afternoon, the trio were playing a game of cards in their hotel room when there was a knock at the door. They looked at each other and then at Torrent and Blaze (Sandaime and Ghost had left after breakfast) who shrugged. The person knocked again. The Wild Cards stared at each other, none of them really wanting to get up. Kotorra, with Faust on her shoulder, sighed in annoyance and went to the door. The ANBU, immediately went on high alert.

If he was aware of the discomfort he was causing he didn't show it.

"May I come in?" asked Gaara.

Once they had gotten over the initial surprise of having Gaara of the Desert, terror of Sunagakure, insomniac, and unhinged jinchuuriki in their hotel room, the Wild Card trio managed to inquire why he was there.

"Uzumaki Naruto…" said Gaara. "What is he to you?" Now they were confused, but confusion was an emotion they were more comfortable with.

"What do you mean?" Gina asked carefully.

"I want to know, why." Gaara said slowly. "Why he would go so far to protect you…all of you." Gina gave a small smile which was mirrored by Bradley and Kotorra.

"Tell you what," Kotorra said. "why don't you hang around with us for the rest of the day and maybe you'll understand a little bit better." She glanced at the ANBU. "You two don't mind staying behind, do you?"

"Our orders are to protect you." Torrent said stiffly.

"From what? We have a treaty, remember?" Blaze was going to protest but Kotorra held up her hand. "Gaara will be with us, we'll be fine."

While this didn't reassure the ANBU, Gaara was amazed. She trusted him? Just like that?

"Come on Gaara, let's go." Gina smiled at the boy.

"Hey Gaara." Temari greeted her little brother as he came through the door. Gaara nodded at him, there was a strangely serene look on his face. Curious and surprised, Temari watched him as he went to his room. "What's gotten into him?"

Gaara sat on the windowsill and stared out at the village. Today's experience had been…different.

They went all over the village, visited a restaurant, all the while talking about insignificant things…

And it felt good. The Wild Card trio didn't ask him about the attack on the village, didn't flinch when he looked at them, joked with him (heck Kotorra even had Faust perch on his head when they posed for a picture), and made him feel…alive. When they were about to go their separate ways Bradley asked whether he understood it yet. He was about to say that he didn't, but then Kotorra asked him:

"If we were to die, right here, right now, how would you feel?"

To his immense surprise, the thought of it actually pained him. Here were three people who had accepted him for who and what he was and… he would be sad if they died. But, didn't everyone die eventually?

As if reading his mind, Bradley said.

"That's one of the reasons why. He didn't want to feel that way, and he wouldn't want anyone else to feel that way. Even though we all die eventually, you want to keep that feeling away for as long as you can."

"If that's true…" Gaara said, still a bit confused. "then wouldn't it be better to live life alone?" Gina shook her head.

"You already know what that feels like. Is a lifetime of pain better than just a few moments of it?"

He thought about it for a while. It was nice not to feel alone, it was nice to hang around and do silly things, it was nice to feel like you _mattered_.

"I think… I'm beginning to understand." Gaara said to no one, as the sun set in the window. He took out the picture of himself and the trio and propped it up near his table, making a mental note to buy himself a picture album. "Just a little bit, I think I understand…Uzumaki Naruto."

The next day, the Konoha delegation was at the gate preparing to leave. The Sand Siblings and three members of the Suna Council were there to see them off.

"Bye guys! We'll write you!" Gina waved from the carriage.

"Please don't!" yelled Kankuro. Temari hit him upside the head(and to hers and Kankuro's surprise so did Gaara). "What was that for?"

"You'll write to them and like it…" said Gaara, smirking. "Batman."

"Aww geez Gaara! Not you too!"

_Those of you who are going to whine about the OOCness drop and give me two hundred!_

1) Stolen Discworld line. Guess which book, win favour with the authoress! I'll give you two hints: witches and a Fool.


	31. Chapter 30

"_The Law of Fives is never wrong. In the Erisian Archives is an old memo from Omar to Mal-2: "I find the Law of Fives to be more and more manifest the harder I look." The depth of this Law is very well understood by Pope Icky Fundament, who will not share his insight with us but prefers to dishonour us with a poem."_

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Heat combined with the steady rocking motion of the carriage and the lack of anything interesting to do is enough to make anyone fall asleep. On the third day out of Sunagakure Gina had, and she was remembering.

Gina sat in a chair, crying and trying very hard not to touch anything. She didn't know why or how it had happened and now it seemed it was too late. A teacher sat across from Gina with a stricken look on her face; wanting to offer the child more than just verbal comfort but unable too.

Approaching footsteps alerted them to the presence of Mr. McCartney.

"Daddy!" wailed Gina, wanting to reach out to her father but afraid to touch him. He reached out to her but was stopped by the teacher.

"What are you…" he started to say, but noticed the distraught look on her face. "Ms. Rolle, what happened to my daughter?"

An hour prior, Gina had been pushing a friend on the swing when she suddenly doubled over in severe pain. Her friend had jumped off the swing to see what was the matter, but when Gina put a hand on his shoulder to steady herself, he was turned to stone. Horrified she had run off; the next thing anyone knew she was off the school grounds and had run directly into the path of an oncoming pickup truck. After the eminent collision, Gina and the driver were fine, the truck was not. They had been at the hospital awaiting news of the boy Gina had accidentally petrified for almost two hours.

The trio sat in relative silence until a doctor came.

"Ian will be fine." He stated. "We've been monitoring him and it looks like the process is reversing itself. However, Gina seems to have triggered her Wild Card and we have to run tests to determine how her case is to be handled. Your brother is a Joker so I'm sure you understand."

"Ah, yes." Gina's father replied numbly.

The first thing that happened was that Gina and her father were led into a room where Gina stripped down to her underwear. This revealed the single row of stones that was protruding from her back where her spine was located.

During the next few tests it was discovered that her bones were now composed mostly of titanium (which wasn't viewed as a problem as titanium is quite frequently used in joint replacement surgery (1)) and aragonite (which is what most corals are composed of (2)); which explained why the truck had to be written off. The not so unstoppable force had met the immoveable object (3)

Soon she was too tired to continue so her father took her home where the situation would be explained to her mother and sisters.

"Hey, Gina. Wake up, we're home." A voice broke into her reverie. Blearily she looked out the window half expecting to see the little townhouse she'd grown up in only to see the gates of Konohagakure no Sato. She then noticed Bradley staring at her. "Oh good, for a moment I thought I'd have to carry your heavy ass." She flipped him off and stretched her arms over her head, yawning deeply.

They were escorted to the Hokage's Office and were amused to find Naruto sprawled out on the floor with a lump on his head; Tsuande looming over him and Shizune looking on in horror.

"Is this a bad time?" Sarutobi asked, amused.

"Oh! You're back." Blinked the Godaime, she glanced at the Wild Cards and noticed that Kotorra had a passenger. "And I see you've returned with Faust."

"He seems to be infatuated with Miss Lewis." Said girls dark cheeks tinged purple. Thankfully, Naruto jumped up and distracted her from her embarrassment.

"Ne! Ne! Did you bring me anything?" he asked excitedly.

"Hmm…" Bradley rubbed his chin thoughtfully and turned to Gina. "_Did_ we bring him anything?" Gina looked up at the ceiling as if in deep thought.

"Did we _bring_ him anything?" she glanced at Kotorra who looked at Sarutobi.

"Did we bring _him_ anything?" Kotorra murmured. Naruto looked like he was going to pop from the suspense.

"AAH! Just tell me already!" screamed the blonde boy.

"Nah, I think we'll wait until we get home." Taunted Gina.

"You drive me crazy!"

"Good, that means I'm going my job right."

"That aside, Hokage-sama…" Kotorra interrupted. "there's the small matter of my payment." Tsunade suddenly seemed very interested in the window.

"Err… aren't you tired from your long trip? Wouldn't you like to go home and get some rest?" hedged Tsunade.

"You're not trying to weasel out of our deal are you?"

"No! No, of course not! Besides, don't you want to check on your restaurant?"

"…fine, but I'll be back in the morning to get my money." Sighed Kotorra. "Come on guys, lets go." Once Tsunade was sure they were out of the range of even Bradley's hearing, she let out a sigh.

"Sensei, before you all left I had those kids submit to some medical tests..." Tsunade began.

"Yes, I remember." Sarutobi wondered where she was going with this.

"When I first met them, they told me they each have a virus called Takis-A which what made them the way they are now. During the blood tests I'd asked the lab technician to attempt to separate the virus so we could analyze it and compare it to samples we already have from Konoha shinobi with and without kekkei genkai..." she took a deep breath. "Sensei I think we may have found the origin of kekkei genkai."

Unbeknownst to them, Kabuto had come to the same conclusion after several tests involving their strange "guest." To say Orochimaru was pleased was an understatement.

"It seems that despite losing Sasuke we have gained something infinitely more valuable." He drawled.

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama. However, my initial tests show that the "Genesis Strain" as I like to call the virus, has highly unpredictable results. I tried infusing it in five of our test subjects. Four of them died: one of asphyxiation when the skin on his face completely covered his mouth and nose; the second of severe haemorrhaging; the third seemed to be consumed by his own body; and the fourth's muscular system turned to acid." Kabuto's sounded like he was commenting on the weather.

"And the final subject?"

"He seems to have gained a form of pyrokinesis. We've had to isolate him for fear that he'll ruin your research by setting the lab on fire."

"Kukukuku…I see… If we can figure out how to control the Genesis Strain we may even be able to recreate the Sharingan or better yet, find the secret to immortality. Are you able to duplicate the virus?"

"Not as yet Orochimaru-sama. It seems we will need to keep our friend alive for a while yet." He turned to the man who was restrained and gagged on the operating table and smiled. "Rejoice, you get to live for the time being."

_Bum bum buuuuuum! What will come of this new development? Does this mean that Sasuke is safe? Will Orochimaru and Kabuto be able to crack the code of Takis-A despite the fact that the civilization that created it couldn't do it? What about Tsunade? What is she going to do with this new information? If Takis-A is where all kekkei genkai came from then what does that make our Wild Cards? Questions, questions, questions and more questions which will not be answered yet because next chapter is an Omake!_

1) There's your medical science lesson for the day.

2) And that's your marine biology lesson. Who says fanfiction isn't educational?

3) I'm no expert but I think if a picku-up truck hit what is essentially a small cement wall at normal speed the front end would at least be screwed up.


	32. Second Omake: School Alternate Universe

"Damn you! Damn you tail! Wagging bastard!" – Xabu the Dog, TV Funhouse

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
Second Omake – School Alternate Univers  
By Kaori

The current cast of Where the Hell Are We Now?! are sitting in a large classroom dressed uniforms from the author's high school (girls in khaki-coloured pleated skirts and tan blouses; boys in khakis and tan shirts with a dark brown tie).

Ibiki was standing in front of a chalkboard dressed in a white shirt, black pants, black tie, and black Flo'shine shoes (1); his Konoha bandana had been replaced by a regular black bandana. If it weren't for all the scars on his face you'd think he was your average scary-looking teacher.

"SETTLE DOWN YOU WORTHLESS BASTARDS!" he yelled. "Now the tests came back from your career tests so I'm going to read off the results."

"Hey wait a minute!" protested Ino. "Aren't these things supposed to be personal?"

"No. Humiliation is a part of growing up. Get over it. Anyway, all these tests tell you is what a computer thinks you should be not what you're going to end up doing."

"Hey, Ibiki-sensei, what did your career test say you should be?" asked Kiba, genuinely curious.

"Taxidermist." He replied without batting an eye. "Now then, we'll start with Aburame Shino. According to your test scores you should be an accountant." Shino frowned, he wanted to be an entomologist (2). "Next, Akimichi Chouji; survey says: professional sumo wrestler."

"DOSUKOOOOOOOIIII!" roared Chouji, momentarily awakening Shikamaru.

"SHUT UP OR I'LL TELL THE CAFETERIA LADY YOU'RE ON THE ATKINS DIET!" Ibiki resumed calling out the results. "Davis Bradley: guard dog."

"But I'm human!" Bradley protested. Ibiki raised an eyebrow at him. "Well…most of the time I'm human…"

"Haruno Sakura: geriatric nurse."

"Ha!" crowed Ino.

"Shut it Ino-buta!" snarled Sakura.

"Hyuuga Hinata…stripper." Hinata fainted. "Hyuuga Neji…gigolo."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" yelled Neji.

"SHUT UP OR YOUR FIRST CLIENT WILL BE ANKO!" everyone shivered at that thought. "Inuzuka Kiba: lab assistant to an odorologist."

"A what now?" Kiba blinked.

"A person who studies odors." Sakura said, helpfully.

"That sucks!"

"Lewis Kotorra: dictator of a third world country."

"MWUAHAHAHAHA!" Kotorra cackled, Faust spread his wings and screeched for dramatic effect; why and how she was allowed to bring the bird to school remains a mystery.

"All right, all right that'll be enough of that." Ibiki rolled his eyes. "McCartney Gina: truck driver."

"Well, I suppose that's not so bad…" sighed Gina.

"Oh, sorry _circus_ truck driver." The Joker gave an indignant squawk. "Nara Shikamaru.."

"Zzzzz…." Snored the pineapple-headed boy.

"…mattress tester. Rock Lee…"

"YOSH!"

"High school gym teacher."

"Geez…now he'll really be like Gai-sensei…" whined Neji as Lee started his Dance of Joy.

"Sabaku no Gaara: assassin." Gaara got a creepy look on his face. Those who were sitting around him moved their desks as far away as they could. "Sabaku no Kankuro: makeup artist for a ventriloquist's dummy."

"Now that's just mean…" pouted Kankuro.

"Sabaku no Temari: air conditioning technician. TenTen: croupier (3)."

"Hey, maybe now you'll get Tsunade-sama to notice you." Jeered Temari.

"Shut up Temari! Go repair some air conditioners!" TenTen yelled.

"Ooh, you sure told me."

"Grr… why you…"

"Cat fight! Reow!" someone said. All eyes turned to the window where Jiraiya was leering from a tree outside.

"GET OUT OF HERE YOU PERVERT!" yelled the girls and Naruto, once again waking Shikamaru up for a moment. Ibiki frowned and threw a chalkboard eraser, knocking Jiraiya out of the tree.

"Where was I…"he muttered. "Ah yes. Uchiha Sasuke…professional manwhore."

"WHAT!" Sasuke yelled.

"Hey, what's the difference between a manwhore and a gigolo?" asked Naruto.

"Naruto…" growled Ino and Sakura.

"No, really, I want to know."

"Basically it means that people would have to pay Neji to sleep with him, and Sasuke will screw anything with a pulse." Kiba explained.

"Ooohh…" nodded Naruto. "Well I suppose that's one way to revive the Uchiha clan." This got snickers from Neji, Kiba, Temari, and Kankuro.

"Itachi can wait, I'm killing you bastards first." Growled Sasuke.

"Don't threaten your classmates Sasuke." Drawled Ibiki, not really caring if Sasuke killed them or not; less papers to grade that way. "Uzumaki Naruto: gynaecologist."

You could hear a pin drop.

"Lucky bastard…" muttered Kiba.

"Ahem." Coughed Ibiki, trying to get the mental picture out of his head. "And finally, Yamanaka Ino: underwear model."

"I could understand swimsuits, but underwear…" seethed Ino. The bell rang signifying the end of the period.

"All right, we're done here, back to the fanfic you bastards." Said Ibiki.

1) I'm not surprised if you don't know what these are so I'll explain. Florsheim is a brand of men's dress shoes that was really popular in the 80's around here; in fact to an extent they still are. They were nicknamed Flo'shine shoes because, when properly polished, they shine like a newly waxed floor. Nowadays, any shoes that you can get to be that shiny are called Flo'shine. Back in the 80's if you were a guy and you didn't have at least one pair of Flo'shine shoes "you weren't sayin' nuttin".

2) A scientist who studies insects.

3) A dealer in a casino.


	33. Chapter 31

Why you so stupid? You not hungry for sammich! You hungry for _fanfiction_!

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"You're telling us…" Gina said slowly. "that you've found traces of Takis-A in the blood of every clan with a kekkei genkai?" Tsunade nodded.

"Yes, we believe that they are connected. We thought it would be best to tell you since there's something we'd like to ask…"

The Wild Cards gave the Hokage identical blank looks betraying nothing of what they were thinking (which was basically "what in the scary hell"). Jiraiya stood in the corner observing unsure what would come of this. Sarutobi, standing near Tsunade, was equally curious as to how this would play out.

When the Kejibi came to get their payment that morning Tsuande had also decided to inform them the results of their medical examinations. Apparently they'd been wrong about the Wild Cards not having any chakra coils or tenketsu. They did, but they were different for each Wild Card:

Gina's chakra coils were actually the most normal if you didn't count the fact that they didn't extend beyond her waist; but the only tenketsu she had were in her hands (exactly twenty-seven tenketsu on each hand) and they were much larger than normal.

Bradley's chakra circulatory system was highly unusual. The coils were thick and there were twice as many of them, probably to accommodate his shapeshifting. He had tenketsu all over his body but the surprising thing was that he had as many tenketsu as he had pores. Upon further examination, it turned out his pores actually doubled as tenketsu.

Kotorra's chakra system was also strange. First of all, the ones in her head were numerous and so close together they resembled the weave in a basket. Secondly, the ones in her arms were as thick as vines. The rest were the same as anyone else's. As for her tenketsu, she had more tenketsu in her hand than Gina and they were so small and close together that the Hyuuga they'd had help with the examination had trouble seeing them.

Those revelations lead to the confirmation of why the trio are unaffected by genjutsu. Teke though similar to chakra is not chakra. Teke is refined mental energy; physical energy being used to, for lack of a better word, filter the mental energy to the user's tenketsu. Genjutsu works by manipulating the chakra within the intended victim's head; no chakra to manipulate and the genjutsu becomes useless. Apparently the use of pure mental energy throws the balance of the genjutsu off completely for the individual. However, that process also has its drawbacks.

Other than the obvious inability to use chakra (they could produce it, but their systems function in such a way that it's immediately filtered into teke) healing jutsus were only half as effective since their systems automatically try to filter the chakra into teke. And since none of the Wild Cards possessed the ability to channel teke into other people, they couldn't find out if the reverse was true.

Then, Tsunade told them about the additional findings which brings us back to the present.

"Do you know what this means?" deadpannd Kotorra. "We didn't jump dimensions…" Her friends seemed to catch on to her train of thought as they went wide-eyed. "We travelled through time. Which means…"

"We can't go home because it's gone." Whispered Gina. "I'll never see my dad and sisters again, their all dead…been dead for…for…how far forward did we go?" She started to mutter to herself, most of it unintelligible. Bradley wasn't much better.

"I told Joy I'd come see her before she had to go to the hospital for her operation. Aunt Vera and I were both supposed to be there so she wouldn't be scared. I wonder if she had the surgery. Did she hate me for not showing up?"

"That's why we couldn't contact them." Kotorra sobbed. "It's because they don't exist anymore. The Network is gone. My home is gone. Dad was going to show me how to make lobster bisque before our vacation was over. I was going to teach Marcus how to do a Wirvinian War Dance. And mom was…she said I was going to be a big sister again. A girl this time…"

For the first time since their arrival in Konoha, they felt completely lost and alone.

Unsure what to do to console the three teenagers, Sarutobi, Tsunade, and Jiraiya left them alone in the room with ANBU watching the door.

Two days following their meeting, Kejibi Mochikaeri was closed as Kotorra was too depressed to cook and didn't seem to want to get out of bed. Gina would get up and sit on the couch and cry until she fell asleep again. Bradley had taken to sitting on the roof of the apartment and staring off into space. Their friends started to get very concerned and decided that they would confront the morose teenagers.

"OOOOOOOII! OPEN UP IN THERE!" Kiba banged on the door. Ino punched him in the head. "OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"

"COULD YOU BE ANY MORE INSENSITIVE?" Ino yelled back.

"Both of you stop yelling, damn you're troublesome." Shikamaru complained.

"Kotorra-san, Gina-san, Bradley-san?" Hinata knocked on the door. "Ano…please answer us. We haven't seen you in two days and…we're all worried."

There was no sound at first, then slow shuffling footsteps made their way to the door. They could hear the tumblers in the lock turning and then the door opened ever so slightly to reveal a haggard looking Gina.

Her eyes were red and puffy and the usually bright hazel eyes were now a washed-out amber. She stared at the crowd gathered outside the door only seeming to barely acknowledge their presence. It was somewhat disturbing to see a person who is usually very animated so subdued. She gave them another once over and then silently shut the door on them.

That action got Kiba to start yelling again.

"You really ought to leave them alone." A lethargic voice said, effectively silencing the Inuzuka. They looked to their left to see Kakashi perched on the railing, perverted book in hand. "I can't tell you the details but nothing you say right now will bring them any comfort. Don't worry, eventually they'll come around, although I wonder if they'll ever be the same."

"Let's go guys." Shikamaru said.

"Just like that?" Kiba growled. "We're just going to walk away?"

"Don't misunderstand," the chuunin said. "I'm just as worried as you are, but apparently, this is something they have to sort out on their own."

_This chapter is very short on purpose. I needed to finish the hanging plotline from the last chapter but I didn't want to include the next setup just yet._


	34. Chapter 32

"In fact, you are not alive until you hear the knock on your door by a glowing eyed emo at 4:30 in the morning wanting to talk about "what brings them joy in their pathetic lives"."

- from Uncyclopedia's article on Jenova's Witnesses

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

It took some time but the shock of learning they were in (for all intents and purposes) the future eventually wore off. And while they weren't completely over it, they knew there wasn't anything they could do about it. They'd been told several hundred times by their instructors that it was impossible to travel backwards in time; several thousand attempts had been made by scores of races and none had been even remotely successful. In at least four instances, such experiments were the cause of an entire solar system collapsing.

Accepting their situation but by no means comforted, the trio now had to contemplate their future.

"I say we can try and re-establish the Network." Kotorra said solemnly. "The level of technology now isn't the same as it was back then, but it's enough to get a bare bones operation going."

"You mean like how they ran things in the 70's?" asked Bradley. "I don't have a problem with that. I mean, it's better than sitting around letting our skills go to waste."

"What about the restaurant?" Gina put in.

"The income from that is pretty good. We can use it as our front." The short-haired girl got a faraway look in her eyes. "People talk in a restaurant even in a ninja village, and I know how to make listening devices. The only question is whether or not anybody else needs to know what we're doing."

"Telling Tsunade, Jiraiya, and Sarutobi might be a good idea initially. I don't think anybody on the council should know especially since we know they're trying to screw over Tsunade." Said Bradley. "And we'd be providing the village with an invaluable service."

"But where do we even begin?" Gina sighed.

"The same way it got started the first time. We keep our eyes and ears open for anything worth trading." Kotorra said. "Information, goods, equipment…learn where we can get our hands on just about anything; you two can take care of that. In the meantime I'll get friendly with scrap dealers, smelters, and craftsmen. Given enough time I can at least make a functioning holocube and meld processor." The two Jokers looked impressed.

"When did you have time to learn how to put together one of those?" gaped Bradley.

"What did you think I was doing all those times I wasn't at combat practice? Besides, making the meld processor will be easy since we have the BorgFish." She scratched her head. "And I know we can't possibly get all the components made with the technology level here being what it is and my wild card being so unpredictable…"

"But…" Gina urged.

"But, and this is a gamble, since our first experiments with the interstellar communicators I made a while back (1) I have managed to make contact with a Laraxian (2) Cruiser."

"Laraxian? Weren't those guys even more "primitive" than us?"

"Apparently it's been a few…centuries since their days of hunting animals and fighting amongst themselves. Anyway, they've gotten to the point where they're exploring space and they were most interested to learn that we are here."

Gina was about to comment but was interrupted by Kakashi appearing on their window sill.

"Kakashi? What brings you up here?" Bradley asked, unfazed by the ninja nonchalantly perched in the portal.

"The Council wants to see you." Said the jounin. "Well, they actually just want to see Kotorra." This got the attention of the other two teenagers.

"The Council? What do they want with Kotorra? What's this about?" Bradley asked, warily.

"Sasuke."

The full explanation was a bit more involved than that. Apparently someone had neglected to note in their report on the mission to retrieve Sasuke that the team had help from Kotorra. However, an unidentified informant corrected that oversight and now the Council wants to see young Miss Lewis and Tsunade did not have the power to deny them.

Kotorra felt like a zoo exhibit The Konoha Council Members were analyzing her, she knew; she'd seen that look enough times in the Network to know it immediately. She recognized most of the Council from when she was working in the Hokage's office. The five major clan heads were there as were Homura, Koharu, and Danzo. Tsunade and Sarutobi, but the other three Council Members she didn't recognize.

"Are you the one called Kotorra Lewis?" asked Koharu.

"I am." She nodded.

"Are you aware as to why you were summoned before us today?"

"I was only told that it involves Uchiha Sasuke." Deadpanned the Deuce all the while trying to figure out all the possible ways the conversation could go. She wasn't too surprised when the next question was essentially how she managed to be in two places at once. She replied that the device she is wearing behind her ear allows her to tap into the mind of another person who is also wearing one. Shikamaru had been entrusted with one with instructions to give it to Naruto. Naruto managed to get it on Sasuke and Kotorra used it to essentially take over Sasuke's motor functions. Since Sasuke was unfamiliar with the way the device works he was unable to retaliate.

"If that is true then why were you unable to hold him until Kakashi arrived?" Nara Shikato asked. Kotorra saw no harm in answering that one.

"I had gone in only expecting one mind. Sasuke's obsession with his brother has managed to gain a consciousness thanks to whatever Orochimaru did to him."

"And just how do you know about Orochimaru?" glared Danzo. "No civilian should have any information regarding the Snake Sennin's involvement with this case." Kotorra raised an eyebrow and regarded the scarred man with her head tilted slightly to one side.

"Well, I learned that while in the presence of the Hokage and Sasuke confirmed it for me while we were communicating via our mental link. As for me being a civilian that status is mostly erroneous as I have functioned as a diplomat for this village and was paid for my services. Not to mention I was employed by Sandaime Hokage during my first few months in this village. If you want to attach a label to myself and my two associates the more appropriate title is mercenary."

"If that is true then why should we trust you? Your loyalty can be bought and sold, can it not?"

"The same could be said for you. The only thing that separates you from me is that I lack your specialized training and government backing. But to answer your questions, no. Konohagakure is a respected client and my associates and I have a verbal agreement with Sandaime Hokage which I have no intention on reneging on."

"Which is?" prompted one of the three elders she didn't know.

"I'm afraid I am not permitted to give details but I assure you that you have nothing to fear from us." To herself she added "yet." She hadn't forgotten that at least two of these Council Members had hired thugs who tried to break into the apartment and go through their things while they were away in Sunagakure. When she found out who was responsible heads were going to roll. For now, she'd play nice and continue to booby trap the place when they were away for extensive periods of time.

"Getting back on track, how were you able to establish a mental connection with Uchiha Sasuke over such a large distance?"

"I am not certain of that myself and I haven't had time to give that much thought." This was a lie. She knew damn well how but didn't have a way to explain it without including extraterrestrials and various theories on psychic connectivity among sentient beings.

"You said there is now a second presence in the Uchiha's mind?" Yamanaki Inoichi asked.

"Yes it forcibly removed me when I refused to leave on my own."

"How?"

Kotorra rubbed her arms unconsciously. That was a feeling she didn't care to remember. She spoke her next words quietly.

"I don't know but I felt like I was burning alive, freezing to death, suffocating, and falling all at once. My mind couldn't take all those horrible sensations and rejected the thoughts and feelings I was receiving from Sasuke."

"I think that's enough for now. This is obviously distressing you." Said Sarutobi. Kotorra made no comment, not wanting to confirm or deny that as she did not want to seem weak and at the same time or seem like she was making excuses.

"Just, one more thing before we adjourn." Danzo said. Tsunade and Kotorra struggled to refrain from glaring at him. "You said you were able to control Sasuke's motor functions while he was wearing one of your devices. I propose that Lewis-san give us that device and also provide us with another one. Should Sasuke's…condition again prove problematic we may be able to use it to restrain him. If a second device could be provided we can find a suitable person to equip with it and monitor the Uchiha." The three anonymous Council members agreed emphatically. Koharu, Homura, and Hyuuga Hiashi also found the proposal to be reasonable. However, the original InoShikaCho, Aburame Shibi, Inuzuka Hana, and both of the Hokages felt that this wasn't a sound plan at all. In the end, the vote was tied and it came down to Kotorra herself.

"As I can see the merit of this I have to tell you that I only have one other BorgFish and at present I am incapable of making a fourth one. So unless you feel that you can trust my friends and I to keep tabs on him, then I'm afraid you'll have to find another way."

Much to everyone's surprise, Danzo actually agreed to those terms as the votes on this plan passed eight to six. Tomorrow morning, Uchiha Sasuke would be outfitted with a BorgFish and the Kejibi would be responsible for monitoring him.

1) See chapter 7 for a reminder.


	35. Chapter 33

Damn but it's hot…

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

He heard the keys rattling in the door of his cell. Since his forced return to the village he'd been kept under surveillance in this place. The door creaked and groaned on its hinges as it swung open and he was expecting the medic-nin and the jounin from the interrogation squad to come in and start checking him again.

"You look terrible, Asshat."

He looked up half in surprise at the voice, and half in annoyance at being called "Asshat". The last three people he was expecting to see were standing in the doorframe looking at him with neutral expressions. Before he could say anything the guard that was accompanying the Kejibi walked in and placed that strange device from before on his ear.

"And before you get any funny ideas about taking that off," Kotorra warned. "that one's been outfitted with a rather nasty little device that will force you into a temporary coma should you try to remove that BorgFish." He glared at her. "Hey, don't make that face you're getting out of here."

"What?" Sasuke wasn't sure he'd heard her right.

"Yep, for the time being you're our responsibility." Said Gina.

"Why?"

"Yours is not to question why just come along and try not to make a scene Asshat."

Sasuke hadn't actually been inside the Kejibi's apartment before, preferring to associate with the trio only as much as necessary. He didn't really know what to expect as he was ushered in by Bradley so he just took it all in.

The first thing he noticed was that most of the mess was centralized around the coffee table. There were papers spread out over it, two empty glasses, and what appeared to be a half-eaten piece of toast. The couch cushions were on the floor around the table most likely to accommodate whatever work was being done on the coffee table.

The kitchen was clean. Dishes were drying in the dish drainer and there was a bowl of fruit on the counter. Faust's perch was next to the kitchen door and once Kotorra had entered the apartment, he flew over and landed on her shoulder. She glared at him but he just continued to look lovingly (as lovingly as a falcon can anyway) at her.

"You'll be sleeping in the spare room." Bradley said to Sasuke, breaking him out of his observations. "There's only a bed in there right now, the girls said they'd buy you a dresser, nightstand, and lamp when we get off from work. Oh, that reminds me, since you'll be staying with us and aren't allowed to leave on missions…" he noticed Sasuke bristle at that but continued anyway. "you'll be temporarily assigned to KP duty in our restaurant."

"KP duty?" parroted Sasuke.

"Yeah, chopping vegetables, washing the dishes, taking out the trash, and taking delivery orders." This made the Uchiha scowl. "Hey, desertion is a serious offence, you're lucky the Council seems to worship the ground you walk on. If it had been anyone else you'd have been executed."

"I don't care." Glared Sasuke. "And neither should you. You're only getting in my way so why don't you just let me leave?" Gina poked her head in the door.

"Oh ho ho, you think it's that easy?" she said. "You are sadly mistaken if you think we're just going to look away while you run off to meet up with some paedophile. First of all, we can't "just let you leave" because we're of the firm opinion that that's a horrendous idea."

"I don't care what you think either."

"Well you'd better start because even if you manage to get away from us, you won't be able to keep us from hunting you down. And we'll know if you try to run away again." Sasuke sneered at her.

"You don't frighten me."

"I don't have to. I can petrify you." Gina smirked.

"Enough, you guys." Kotorra said, before Sasuke could retort. She waved an envelope in the air. "I've got a note here from the Hokage, she says that as long as Sasuke isn't taking any missions, the rest of his team will be joining him at our restaurant." This seemed to annoy the young Uchiha even more.

"I'm sure Naruto won't be happy." Gina said. "I mean no missions outside of the village until the Council is satisfied laughing boy over here won't run away to old hissy-kissy."

"He'll get over it." Shrugged Kotorra.

"Laughing boy?" glared Sasuke.

"Oh, so you prefer I call you Asshat?"

"Grr…"

"Hissy-kissy?" Bradley gave Gina an amused smile.

"What? He's got an obsession with snakes and I'm ninety-nine point five percent sure he's a paedophile." Shrugged Gina.

"I'm afraid to ask but what about the other half of a percent?"

"There's a point five percent chance that he is genuinely interested in Sasuke's power and not his body."

"And we both know that's highly unlikely." Drawled Kotorra. "But as long as you stay put, _Uchiha-san_ we won't have to find out."

"_They think they can keep me here? I'll find a way to escape and once I do there'll be no stopping me_." Thought Sasuke. Unbeknownst to him he was "overheard". The Kejibi shared a brief glance before Gina cracked a smile.

"Well I think we've killed enough time. Come along Asshat, let's go find your friends and then we'll see how good a kitchen hand you are."

The silver-haired medic kneeled before Orochimaru, awaiting the older man's acknowledgement.

"Report, Kabuto." Orochimaru demanded.

"Orochimaru-sama, I've isolated the main elements of the virus and I did some initial tests. All ten of the subjects died. Separating the complete virus from the actual DNA is hit-and-miss as our…donor's cellular structure is different from anything I've ever seen. However, we're getting some interesting results using a blood sample we acquired from Kimimaro. We may get better results if we used persons with kekkei genkai…or who have something similar."

"Similar?" hissed Orochimaru, before his lips curled into a sinister smile. "Kukuku…I see…"

_And if you can guess what Orochimaru is thinking then you seriously ought to have your head examined. Anywyay, next chapter we once again spend a day at Kejibi Mochikaeri only this time Team 7 is getting in on the act! Sasuke's in the kitchen, Sakura's waiting tables, Naruto's helping with the delivery run, and Kakashi's…reading Icha Icha Violence? Oh no, no Kakashi, you've gotta work too._


	36. Chapter 34

This was part of a doodle comic I drew in the margins of my high school English book that I happened to find one afternoon.

Stick Figure 1: A good story is a striptease.

Stick Figure 2: I know I'm going to regret asking but, how?

SF1: Well, it's no fun if you just expose everything all at once; you take things slow and reveal each part piece by tantalizing piece. In the end, you leave 'em wanting more. If you're really good at it, people will give you money.

SF2: I'm not sure whether to be in awe of how brilliant that is, or scared that you're using perverted metaphor this early in the morning.

SF1: Well I could have used perverted simile but it's far too early to be saying "like".

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"All right," Kotorra said arms akimbo as she surveyed her new employees. "welcome to Kejibi Mochikaeri. We're going to start serving lunch in two hours so here's the deal: Sasuke, you already know you're going to be in the kitchen with me. Sakura, you'll be waiting tables, Naruto you'll be taking Konohamaru and Udon's place and helping Gina with the delivery run."

"Yosh!" grinned Naruto.

"Well, you all have your assignments." Kakashi said loftily. "I'll come back later and…"

"Oh no you won't." Kotorra grabbed the jounin by the arm. "You've gotta work too. I'm still being forced to pay for two genin and a jounin for this assignment…"

"Wait, _two_ genin?" blinked Sakura.

"Yeah, you and Naruto. Sasuke's pay is going into his share of the rent money and our food expenses. I'm not running a flophouse for wayward genin you know; he's gotta pull his weight too. Anyway Kakashi, since Bradley is at the counter, Gina has to make deliveries, and I have to run the place _and_ watch this malcontent," she jerked her thumb towards Sasuke who glared. "I need somebody to pick up our supplies and the overdue delivery bills."

"I could mind the restaurant and the malcontent." Said Kakashi, who was really looking forward to kicking back with Icha Icha Violence. Sasuke glared at being called a malcontent by his own sensei.

"Yeah, but can you make chicken parmesan?" snapped Kotorra.

"Chicken what?"

"I rest my case." She shoved a thick manila envelope into his hands. "These are the inventory lists and the places you have to go to pick up everything. Make sure they don't try to pass off any old food on you." She handed him a piece of paper. "This one is the names, addresses, and amounts that people owe for delivery. Be polite but not too polite, and make sure you get me my money." And without another word she grabbed Sasuke by the arm and pulled him into the kitchen.

"Better get moving, Kakashi-san." Bradley said. "We're going to need some of the stuff you're picking up for the dinner shift." The jounin sighed, and opened the first envelope, scanning over the letterheads before ambling out the door.

Gina clapped her hands to get the attention of the genin standing before her.

"Okay!" she chirped. "Sakura, put this on." She threw an apron over to the pink-haired girl. "When customers walk in you say "Welcome to Kejibi Mochikaeri" and then ask them where they would like to sit. If a table is unavailable ask them to wait and to look at the menu items on the wall. When a table opens up, clean it, seat them, and take their order. Oh yeah, and if anybody orders number forty-six on the menu…" Gina walked over to the cashier's area and pointed to a bell pull. "pull that rope."

"Why? What's so special about number forty-six?" asked Sakura. Instead of answering, Gina pointed to the wall.

There were four sets of five wooden tablets on the walls. Each tablet had ten menu items listed on it; the first twenty-five were lunch items, the rest were dinner items. Sakura looked at the one with menu items forty through fifty. Item number forty six was something called Mannish Water.

"Huh? What the heck is that?" Sakura frowned. Gina told her. "That's disgusting!"

"Yeah, we have a promotion going that anybody who doesn't take a drink of water before finishing the whole bowl and doesn't throw up immediately after finding out what's in it (1) gets to eat here for free for one year."

"How can you eat that?"

"You put it in your mouth, chew and swallow. Really Sakura it's not that hard." Drawled Gina. "Hobnestly, how did you become a ninja if you don't even know that?" Sakura raised her fist and prepared to hit her but Naruto grabbed her.

"LET ME GO, NARUTO!"

"NO SAKURA! YOU CAN'T KILL THE CLIENT (2)!"

In the kitchen Sasuke smirked involuntarily. Ah the things Sakura did when she thought he couldn't hear her.

"Sasuke are you listening to me?" Kotorra snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Pay attention." He glared at her but she paid it no mind. "Now that I've got your attention, here." She handed him a vegetable peeler. "Get to work on those." She said as she waved a hand towards a bucket full of potatoes. "I'd give you a knife but I'm not entirely certain you won't try to kill me."

Sasuke turned the peeler over in his hands a few times (briefly contemplating whether he _could_ kill Kotorra with it) before sitting down in a nearby chair and commencing peeling. Kotorra walked over to a bucket full of tomatoes and started mincing them, humming a little as she worked.

Out in the village proper, Kakashi was meandering towards the butcher shop to pick up the first set of items on Kotorra's list: eighty pounds of pork, ninety-eight pounds of mutton, sixty-two pounds of fish, and one hundred pounds of beef. Since she'd already paid for everything all Kakashi had to do was hand over the receipt. And a good thing for that too because...

"Icha Icha Paradise: Moonlight Madness is on DVD already?" gasped the jounin, plastering himself against the window to get a better look at the store display. Seconds later the store owner came rushing out.

"Hey! Quit drooling all over my window! Oh, Kakashi-san, it's you."

"Good morning, Isuzu-san." Smiled the jounin. "Are you really selling Moonlight Madness?"

"Yep, four hundred and fifty yen. It's the director's cut with the alternate ending." Kakashi got weak in the knees at the thought.

"I'll take two!" he said. _One to watch and one to bargain with Hokage-sama with_.

"Pervert senses…tingling…" murmured Gina as she fixed a tablecloth. Bradley looked at her askance but didn't get to respond as the phone rang and he had to take an order.

"Did you say something, Gina?" Sakura asked. The other girl didn't get a chance to answer as the front door was kicked open.

"JIRAIYA IS HERE!"

"YOU DAMN LECHER! IF THAT DOOR'S BROKEN YOU'RE GONNA PAY!" yelled Gina, suddenly tackling the old man and knocking him to the floor.

"Oof!" grunted Jiraiya. "Damn you're heavy for such a skinny girl."

"Shut up! I can' t help it!" Gina crossed her arms and glared down at him. "You try having titanium for bones and see how much you weigh."

"If you came here for lunch you're a bit early, Jiraiya-sama." Said Sakura.

"Actually, I came here to check on Sasuke." Said Jiraiya.

"He's in the kitchen with Kotorra." Naruto said, slightly disappointed that the old lecher hadn't come to see him.

"In the kitchen eh? I wonder if Kotorra made him wear a frilly apron." Gina and Naruto giggled at the idea of the brooding boy in such a getup. Sakura glared at them.

"What's going on out here?" Kotorra poked her head out of the service window. She noticed the door and then looked to see Gina sitting on Jiraiya's stomach. "Hey, are you sure you should be doing that? I mean there are children watching and this is a restaurant not a bordello."

"HEY! I like 'em young but not that young!" protested Jiraiya.

"AS IF I'D WANT TO DO…._THAT_ WITH YOU!" screamed Gina, standing up and stomping on his crotch. Naruto and Bradley winced in sympathy.

Once Jiraiya had recovered somewhat, Sasuke was made to sit in a chair while his curse seal was examined. There was no noticeable progression but Jiraiya reinforced the containment seals that had been placed on it once again just in case.

Lunch time rolled around rather quickly and that's when things really picked up. Kotorra rushed from one side of the kitchen to the next, barking orders at Sasuke who actually struggled not to get confused.

"Sasuke stir the pot!" Kotorra called over her shoulder as she took two plates over to the service window. The dark-haired boy stopped chopping cabbages and went over to the large simmering pot, took the lid off and started stirring the contents. "Sasuke, take the chicken out of the oven!" He almost forgot to use the oven mitts as he bent down to open the oven.

"Whoo! Sexy!" catcalled Gina, coming into the kitchen just as Sasuke reached into the oven. (3)

"GAH!" yelped the boy as he hit his head.

"Don't you dare drop that tray!" barked Kotorra, rapidly filling containers with soup and packing them into Naruto and Kotorra's packs along with several larger containers of food. "Sasuke get the tea!"

DING. Rang the little bell next to the service window, indicating that another order had just been placed. Kotorra rushed over to get it. Scanning it over quickly she placed it on the empty spot on the corkboard before rushing over to the counter to finish plating an order of steamed fish and rice.

"Where the hell is Kakashi?" she growled. "He hasn't come back with any of our stuff yet!"

"Yo." A lazy voice called from the back door.

"WHAT TOOK YOU SO FRICKIN' LONG?" raged Kotorra. Gina cowered behind Naruto, who was hiding behind Sasuke. Kotorra's eyes suddenly narrowed. "You stopped to buy porn didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?" The annoyed teenager didn't give him a chance to answer as a frying pan suddenly appeared in her hand and she beat him over the head with it. "When (WHACK) I (WHACK) tell (WHACK) you (WHACK) to (WHACK) do (WHACK) something (WHACK) don't (WHACK) screw (WHACK) around (WHACK)." At the last hit Kakashi disappeared into a puff of smoke.

"Kage bunshin." Muttered Sasuke. Everyone looked around rapidly and spotted the real Kakashi sitting on the kitchen counter.

"Mah, I'm sorry Kotorra-san."

"Oh you're gonna be, Kakashi…" she was about to lunge at him again when she suddenly remembered where she was. "Gah! I don't have time for this…Gina! Naruto! Don't just stand there gawking, go deliver that food! Sasuke, that soup needs stirring again! Kakashi, I'll deal with you later but right now you need to put that stuff into storage until I'm ready for it! ARGH!" she rushed over to a stove and started stir frying some vegetables.

"I've never seen her so worked up before." Kakashi said to Gina.

"You think she's worked up now, you should see her when she has to cater events."

"Oi! Quit that chattering! Work!" yelled Kotorra.

1) Mannish water is a spicy soup and its main ingredients are the inside of a goat's or head, goat's feet, and goat's scrotum among an assortment of vegetables boiled and at least one scotch bonnet pepper in a soup. If a man eats it, it's supposed to be like Viagra, if a woman eats it its just soup. And before you ask, yes I have eaten it; I'll try anything once. If it tastes good I don't see any real reason not to eat it.

2) Isn't that a nice little reversal from the Wave Mission?

3) My cousin did this to me once when I was reaching into the oven to take out a cake. I almost hit my head on the top rack.


	37. Chapter 35

And now a peek into the life of the oddball authoress…

Kaori: (standing on her balcony drinking Kool Aid, notices her niece and cousin playing on the patio below) Kukukuku…(starts chucking ice at them)

Dejah: (dodging) Auntie Bianca!

Lavette: Hey! (dodging) Man Bianca, stoppit! I guh tell!

Kaori: AHAHAHAHAAA! Dance monkeys! (continues until she runs out of ice)

BTW: Happy Fourth of July to all my American friends! And Dave, if you're reading this, don't drink too much and try not to swim in any fountains this year.

Where the Hell Are We Now!

By Kaori

It was now time for the dinner shift and Sakura was tired. Her feet hurt from having to walk around and serve customers all day. Thankfully Gina didn't have to make any dinner runs so she could help Sakura wait the tables.

Gina was noticeably faster when it came to this and Sakura chalked it up to the older girl being more familiar with the restaurant. However, the customers seemed to be a lot more talkative around her as well; especially the men. When she confronted Gina about it the brunette laughed.

"It's all in the attitude. You've got to smile more and try and make the customers feel less like they're eating at a restaurant and more like they're eating at their own house. Also, try not to be so stiff in your movements. Swing your hips a little!" Sakura made a face; she was not going to flirt with the customers.

In the kitchen, Sasuke was having a much easier time without having to fill take out orders as well. He gazed at his hands and frowned. He'd been washing dishes since the middle of the lunch shift and his hands were horribly wrinkled. He made a fist. What was he doing here anyway? He should be training to get stronger. At this rate, he'd never be able to kill Itachi. His shoulder started to ache a little and suddenly he felt like somebody had hit him in the head but from the inside.

"The dishes aren't going to wash themselves, Sasuke." Kotorra chided from his far left. The dark-haired boy glared at her. "Glaring isn't going to make this go any faster either. If it's any consolation we'll be done in another hour or two."

"What do you get out of all this?" Sasuke snarled.

"You mean besides cheap manual labour?" Kotorra looked at him over her shoulder. "Oh, you're serious." She put down the ladle and turned around completely. "When it boils right down to it, nothing. The point isn't for me to get anything out of this it's for you to get something out of it."

"What?"

"Time to think about what you've been doing up until now and what you're going to do next." She said levelly.

"I _have_ thought about it." Ground out Sasuke. Kotorra cocked her head to the side and stared at him for a few minutes before turning her back.

"This isn't the place or the time to be having this conversation. We'll talk about this when we get home, but Sasuke, remember this if nothing else: this is about more than just you. Whatever you choose to do in the end, for ill or for good, will affect more than you know." She sighed mentally. "_Is killing your brother really that important to you? Are you willing to trade your own life for that one goal?_"

The kitchen door swung open and in walked Naruto.

"Ne, Koto-neechan!" he said. "Kakashi-sensei's finally back with the money, Bradley's putting it in the lockbox now."

"It's about time he got back. If I were a suspicious person I'd think he was being vindictive with his tardiness. He doesn't do this on every mission does he?"

"Well, none of the other clients have ever actually tried to make him work before." mused Naruto. "Usually they just let him stand around and read those pervy books. As for him being late, he's always been like that."

"Mah, it's not nice to talk about people behind their backs." Kakashi's voice drifted in.

"It's also not nice to keep people waiting, Kakashi-san." Kotorra said, the tone she used the same as Tsunade's when she's five seconds away from belting you one.

"Sorry, but there was an accident with an ox cart and I had to help sedate the ox."

"LIAR!" Naruto piped up.

"Now, now, I'm sure that Kakshi wouldn't lie to us…" the sole female in the room's expression bordered on sharkish. "'Cause then I would have to reconsider paying in full for this mission…"

Kakashi inwardly flinched at that. This assignment served two purposes: to keep an eye on Uchiha Sasuke, and to keep Uzumaki Naruto in the village for his own protection. It was secretly classified as an A-Rank mission (as far as anyone else knew it was a simple D-Rank mission to assist at the restaurant) and was worth quite a bit of money; money that could be used to buy much Icha Icha merchandise; money that was partially coming out of Kotorra's pocket to keep up appearances. He would have to play this very carefully.

"I'm sure that will not be necessary." Eye-smiled Kakashi, crying on the inside that he would have to wait until he got home to find out if Nanami and Daitetsu ever got to make sweet, beautiful love under the starry sky…

"I think we lost him just now." Deadpanned Sasuke. As Kakashi seemed to go off into his own little world.

"As long as he doesn't start drooling we'll be okay." Kotorra shrugged. "Naruto, do you think you can prop him up in a corner somewhere so he doesn't get in the way?" (1)

1) There was an entire scene after this with the other teams coming in to eat at the restaurant but I had to cut it out because it was disrupting the flow of the story.


	38. Chapter 36

I'll be at Otakon this weekend and then I'll be visiting relatives in New Jersey (I don't get why Americans seem to hate New Jersey so much.) before I head back home to The Bahamas. Hope to see some of you guys there!

Where the Hell Are We Now!

By Kaori

Yesterday September 14th; and while the wild card trio were always weird (in Sasuke's opinion) they were acting weirder than usual that day.

Kotorra had offhandedly told him this morning that Team 8 would be minding the restaurant today and not to do anything stupid since both Kakashi and Kurenai would be there to keep an eye on him. Bradley had added that Jiraiya would also be stopping by to check his seal.

"And where are you going?' Sasuke had asked.

"Nowhere really." Gina had said. "It's just something we always do around this time."

So now he was here, with Hinata, in the kitchen that Kotorra normally barks orders at him in. He had to wonder if this was how his life would be from now on; at the beck and call of women. (1) Well, Hinata wasn't so bad but if Kiba called him "chore boy" one more time he was going to filet him and feed him to Akamaru; Kakashi and Kurenai be damned.

Speaking of the Inuzuka, he was on the lunch run when he spotted Gina's signature ponytail as it disappeared around a corner. Curious as to why none of the Kejibi were working today, he followed her.

Gina walked at a sedate pace with a bag under her arm heading towards the bridge Team 7 usually met on. She stopped for a moment to watch a bird fly by before continuing on her way. It wasn't long before she arrived at the memorial stone where Bradley and Kotorra were waiting. Kiba hid in a nearby tree and observed.

"Okay, I brought the candles and the matches." She said. "It feels weird doing this here. My grandfather used to drag us all up to Manhattan after I triggered my wild card just so we could pay our respects at the memorial there."

"You're lucky. I never got to go, I had to watch the ceremony on TV." Said Bradley.

"To tell the truth, I've only seen it on TV too." Kotorra said.

"Heh, well since I'm the only one who's actually been, I get to conduct the ceremony!" smiled Gina. "So, Kotorra you stand on the left, and Bradley you stand on the right." She looked at the memorial stone. "I hope none of these guys get offended…"

"Well, if they do get offended we'll come back and apologize." Smiled Kotorra.

"Right." Gina cleared her throat. "We are gathered here today to remember those who died on that first Wild Card Day and also to salute the bravery of Jet Boy, who sacrificed his life trying to save us all." At this point Bradley and Kotorra saluted while Gina lit the three candles she'd brought. "We also wish to remember the sacrifices of Dr. Tachyon who worked tirelessly to fix the damage his people caused and who saved us from the horror that is the Swarm Mother." She glanced at Kotorra. "That reminds me, do you think that thing is still out there somewhere?"

"Gina…" sighed Kotorra.

"Right, the ceremony, sorry. Um… as we, the third generation of Wild Cards carry on our lives, we shall never forget the efforts of those who came before us: Captain Trips, The Sleeper, Peregrine, Chrysalis, Fortunato, Kid Dinosaur, Mai, Brain Trust, Popinjay, The Great and Powerful Turtle…" she stopped.

"What's wrong?"

"I just realized something. You and The Turtle are somewhat similar…" Gina said. Kotorra made a face.

"What do you mean?"

"He had a hard time using his wild card at will for quite some time if I remember the lecture right. In fact, he could only seem to use it when he was inside his shell and was being The Turtle and not just plain old Thomas Tudbury."

"You're saying that I can't use my powers at will because of some mental block?"

"Well, yeah. Sort of." Kotorra seemed to mull this over for a while.

"Okay, let's say you're right. We don't even know why I have a mental block so how can I get passed it?"

"Hmm…I have an idea." Bradley said. "But I'm going to need Kiba to come out of the tree first."

"Huh?" chorused the girls. Kiba sulkily came out of his hiding place.

"And just how long have you been here?" glared Kotorra.

"He followed Gina." Bradley said before Kiba can open his mouth. This caused the svelte girl to turn her glare on him.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I didn't think there'd be any problem with him watching. It's only Wild Card Day after all." Shrugged the dog-hybrid. Kotorra gave a long-suffering sigh.

"Sorry for eavesdropping, I was just really curious about what you all were doing." Kiba scratched the back of his head and looked at the ground.

"How much did you hear?"

"Umm..everything." murmured Kiba. Kotorra sighed again. Well at least they hadn't been discussing anything vital. "So… um…who were all those people you were talking about?"

"Heroes." Gina said. "Well…with the exception of The Sleeper; he just kinda did what he wanted." And she started rattling off the accomplishments of every Ace and Joker she could remember.

Kabuto appraised the body laid out before him much the way one would examine a piece of artwork. The individual was a male around his own age, and was currently unconscious. This young man and five other individuals had been dragged in to serve as human sacrifices and then as experiments. He could already guess that Orochimaru would resurrect the Shodai Hokage again, as his bloodline was the most familiar to the snake sennin; and his master had already told him that he was going to resurrect Kimimaro as well for the same purpose. So who were the other three bodies for?"

"Kabuto." An Oto-nin called from the door. "Orochimaru-sama would like to see you."

"I'll be there shortly."

_Oh the suspense. Who is Orochimaru going to resurrect? What does Bradley have in mind? And…is something burning?_

1) How about it girls? Uchiha Sasuke at your beck and call, for the rest of his natural life! Only $9.95! (Sasuke: HEY! Don't sell me off so cheaply!)


	39. Chapter 37

Sasuke wasn't on fire, but my lunch was. Damn, what a waste of perfectly good hamburger…

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"Orochimaru-sama, you summoned me?" Kabuto kneeled before the dais, head bowed. Orochimaru motioned for him to stand.

"Is everything prepared?" asked the sennin.

"Yes, all five bodies have been prepared and are ready for the summoning."

"Excellent. Then let us proceed."

The five people had been moved to a holding area and strapped to tables. None of them had regained consciousness. Orochimaru and Kabuto went into a separate room to perform the jutsu. With Kabuto's help, Orochimaru was able to create the necessary handseals and five coffins arose. Predictably, out of the first and second coffins came the Shodai Hokage and Kimimaro.

Out of the third stepped a male Uchiha, which surprised Kabuto. He didn't recognize him which meant that she most likely died before the war with Iwa. There was an interesting hook-shaped scar on his left cheek. "Uchiha Daisuke." Orochimaru said. "An old classmate of mine. Nowhere near as capable as Itachi, but he will suit my purposes for now." Kabuto just nodded and looked to the next casket.

The person who stepped out of it was a girl that couldn't have been older than fourteen and on her head was a hitaite from Kirigakure. Once again Orochimaru spoke.

"I remember Anko killing this one during one of our training missions. She has a rather resilient hide. Nothing could cut through it. Anko only managed to kill her by getting behind her and strangling her to death."

The final coffin was another girl; younger and without a hitaite. Her most distinguishing feature were her mismatched eyes; one green one brown. The snake sannin said she was one of his first test subjects. She was only a student at the Academy but she came from a dying clan of ninja with a kekkei genkai that allowed them to regenerate their limbs.

After inserting the fuda into each of the newly revived individuals, Orochimaru had to lean on Kabuto for support.

"You need to rest, Orochimaru-sama." The silver-haired boy said.

"Not yet…" wheezed Orochimaru. "there are still things we must do. Fetch Kaeru. I have an errand for him to run."

At the Memorial Stone, the Kejibi had sent Kiba on his way and were now discussing Kotorra's theoretical mental block.

"So just what, may I ask," drawled Kotorra. "do you propose I do? It's not like I can look inside my own head, and the last I checked, none of you were Takisians, Hylurians, Vinkons, or any other remotely telepathic species."

"Ah, but this village has something almost as good." Bradley pointed out. "It has Yamanakas." The tall deuce made a face.

"Even if I wanted strangers traipsing around in my head, what in the name of Jet Boy's ghost makes you think they'd do it?"

"Come on Kotorra," grinned Gina. "you're the closest thing to a Master Trader we've got now, surely you can think of something they would want?"

"Right now I don't have anything to work with! I have no data, no raw materials or finished goods they would even want, or even a man on the inside I could ask for a favour."

"But you do know two Hokages." Bradley pointed out. "Why not ask one of them?"

"I'm afraid of what they'd want in exchange." Kotorra muttered, grabbing a fistful of her hair. "You know how this works; we don't ask for favours without offering something of equal or greater value in exchange. As much as I like those guys it's highly probable that they'll want information on things from the past; things that are better off never being remembered. However, my…disability is one of the main roadblocks to our goal of reviving The Network... I suppose there's no harm in asking but if they ask for something I'm not willing to give then I'm pulling out of this, agreed?"

"Hey, it's your head." Shrugged Gina.

"Fine." Said Bradley.

"Good. Tomorrow I'll approach Sandaime and Tsunade-sama. Let's go back to the restaurant; I'm getting a headache which usually means Sasuke's about to blow his stack."

"Want me to take over monitoring him?" Gina asked.

"Please do, I'm tired of being on the mental receiving end of his temper tantrums all the time."

Thankfully when the trio arrived back at the restaurant Sasuke was taking out his frustrations on the carrots he was chopping up; unfortunately he was also making deep gashes in the cutting board, effectively ruining it.

"Sasuke, whatever or whoever it is you're thinking about is not worth destroying my cutting board." Deadpanned Kotorra.

"Kotorra-san." sighed Hinata, relieved.

"Hi Hinata. Sorry for sticking you with this sad sack all day but we had things to do."

"It's all right, I didn't mind."

"I did!" Kiba piped up as he entered the kitchen. He had just finished taking inventory in the storage room. "He kept throwing knives at me whenever I came in." A knife suddenly lodged itself in the doorframe, barely missing Kiba's left ear. "HEY! YOU ALMOST CUT ME THAT TIME YOU BASTARD!"

SMACK! To the surprise of everyone except the Wild Cards, Kotorra hit Sasuke upside the head.

"Who told you, you could play with my knives?" the brown-haired deuce was scolding him like a parent chastising a child. "Apologize." Sasuke glared at her. She stared at him impassively. Sasuke flinched. That look was almost the same as the one his father used to give him.

"Sorry." He grunted. Kotorra nodded in approval. Gina looked around the kitchen.

"Hey, where's Naruto?"

"He's out front helping Sakura with the tables." Said Kiba. "It's really busy out there today. That reminds me, Kurenai-sensei asked me to tell you that the Hokage called her and Kakashi away."

Bradley asked if anyone had taken their place and Hinata had said no. The Wild Cards looked at each other knowingly. Hinata and Kiba may not have noticed the ANBU but that didn't mean they weren't there. Tsunade had assigned Blaze and Torrent, their bodyguards from their trip to Suna, and two others called Imp and Dragon to watch over Sasuke.

"Well…" Gina said, rolling up her sleeves. "I guess since you guys are so hopeless we'll have to pitch in."

The restaurant was packed with customers; most of them wanting second helpings much to Kotorra's pleasure. However, as the last customer trickled out the door she couldn't help feel uneasy. Something was off. Whether it was woman's intuition or a simple survival instinct she wasn't able to say. What was clear was that the young ninjas and Bradley were obviously on edge; Gina didn't seem to notice anything amiss. Then she looked up, and shrieked causing everyone else to look up as well.

From his position hanging on the ceiling, Dokuhada no Kaeru leered at his prey. He didn't know why Orochimaru had sent him specifically to "test Sasuke" but he wasn't about to complain. He was a restless person and sitting around Oto between missions worked his nerves.

The ANBU hadn't just let him walk in here unmolested. Predictably they'd attacked him but dispatching them with his special poisonous senbon took care of them in a few minutes. In all likelihood they were dead by now.

"Who are you? How did you get in here?" yelled a blonde haired kid with whisker marks on his face. The jinchuriki Orochimaru had spoken of if he remembered correctly.

"You're very noisy…" Kaeru said, casting the blonde a sidelong glance. "Children should be seen and not heard." A quick flick of his wrist and three senbon were sent hurtling towards the unsuspecting jinchuuriki. The boy was shoved out of the way by a girl with long brown hair, and light brown skin. Before he could process this new development, two dogs (one white, one reddish-brown one) and a feral-looking boy came barrelling towards him intent on removing his limbs. "Ridiculous." Kaeru simply swung upwards and let all three of them go right past him. "I suppose, it's playtime now? Fine." He released the chakra from his feet, righted himself in midair, and landed lightly on the back of a chair; then he looked straight at Sasuke. "But I only came to play with you."

_This scene will continue next chapter. In the meantime… COMMENCE OPERATION: WHAT IN THE SCARY HELL_! _GO FORTH MY LOYAL MINIONS! DO MY BIDDING AND BUST A CAP!_


	40. Chapter 38

"My strength versus theirs, what am I truly capable of? What is my place in this battle? Should I surrender? No way! I OWN THESE BITCHES!" – Kosuna, Desert Punk

FYI: Operation: WHAT IN THE SCARY HELL…complete success! Good job everyone! (you know who you are)

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Analyzing hostile situations and coming up with efficient solutions was something Aburame Shino was good at. This was an easy one to decipher and he now had three tasks: 1 get Sasuke and the Kejibi out 2 alert a higher ranking ninja as to what is going on 3 stay alive. The execution of this plan is what was giving him trouble.

The first problem was that Sasuke is the attacker's intended target and he would be bound to follow the Uchiha if only to complete his objective. The second was finding help. It was late at night which meant that the bulk of the patrols would be focused on the village walls and the exterior (which made him wonder how this man got in). Also, most people don't walk around the restaurant district at this hour and most of the bars were too far away for any chance of someone coming by on happenstance. The sound of wood cracking and splintering drew his attention to the battle that was still being waged in the restaurant.

The enemy ninja had went to attack Sasuke but Naruto and Kiba got in the way. For their trouble, they got slammed into the nearby tables. Sasuke used the opportunity to slash at him with a kunai only to get his wrist grabbed. Thankfully Sasuke had the presence of mind to perform kawarimi with a table before the other ninja could stab him with a senbon.

Gina had knocked over one of the longer tables and petrified it, creating a barricade that she and Sakura were taking cover behind. Occasionally, Sakura would take a pot shot at the intruder trying to distract him from Sasuke. It was then that Shino noticed that Bradley, Hinata, and Kotorra were all missing. A kikaichu that he had placed on Hinata earlier that day was telling him that the Hyuuga was no longer in the building; which meant that the missing trio had probably gone to get help. After re-evaluating the situation in his mind, he made his way over Sakura and Gina.

"Can't you do anything else?" hissed Gina, as Sakura threw another kunai and missed.

"I don't think Kotorra-san would appreciate it if I blew up the restaurant." Sakura shot back. "I'm not a close combat type and I don't know any ninjutsu that would help us in this situation. That leaves me with exploding tags and kunai. Why don't you do something?"

"Hey, I may be fairly decent at close combat but it doesn't mean squat if I can't get in range. If you hadn't noticed, those senbon he's throwing are laced with something rather nasty and I really don't want to find out what it is."

"How can you tell?"

"The wood in the chair that got hit is starting to turn funny colours where the needle is lodged. If you want some of that be my guest."

"No thanks."

"If I can get you closer what do you plan on doing?" Shino whispered behind them.

"GAH!" yelped the girls.

"Don't _do_ that?" glared Gina.

"I ask again, what do you plan to do?"

"If I can just get my hands on him I can probably turn him at least partially to stone; I'm not dumb enough to think I can hang on to a highly trained assassin for very long. It ought to slow him down enough for someone to take him out. But how are you planning to get me in range?"

"Listen carefully…"

Sasuke let out a grunt as a spinning kick aimed at his side glanced off his ribs. Grabbing hold of the offending appendage he attempted to throw the larger man into the wall. The other ninja smirked at him, twisting his body at an odd angle and kicking Sasuke in the head with his free leg, springing to his feet, and then following up with a punch to the younger ninja's stomach.

As he was about to land another blow, Kiba and Akamaru grabbed hold of his legs and Naruto prepared to drive a rasengan into his back. Before the attack connected, he replaced himself with a table and Naruto had to cancel the technique or risk hitting Sasuke.

In the streets of the village, Hinata and Kotorra astride a transformed Bradley were speeding through the village and heading towards the Hyuuga complex in hopes of finding help (or at the very least, Neji). A kunai landing in the road caused Bradley to stumble and skid to a stop.

"You there, identify yourselves!" a familiar, female voice demanded. The trio looked up to see Mitarashi Anko, sitting on the roof of a nearby building.

"Anko-san!" Kotorra called out.

"Hey, aren't you the cook from that restaurant? And who's that with you?"

"It's Hyuuga Hinata but we don't have time for that now! Sasuke's being attacked!"

"What!"

"Is it just me, or does it feel like the room is spinning?" grunted Kiba as he stood up.

"You've gotten thrown into the wall so many times I'm surprised you're just now feeling it." Naruto snorted.

"Oh shut up, you've been clobbered just as many times as me! You probably don't notice because your head's so damn thick."

"Will you two shut up and get out of here already?" growled Sasuke. "It's me that guy wants."

"Like hell we'd just go and leave you to face him alone!" yelled Naruto.

"Why do you concern yourself with these imbeciles?" asked the ninja, who was casually leaning against the wall. "Here, let me rid you of those burdens." Before anyone could protest, he disappeared in a puff of noxious smoke.

"Where did he go?" hissed Sasuke. Akamaru gave a short bark.

"Naruto! Look out!" yelled Kiba. The blonde turned around, wide-eyed as the enemy ninja appeared, poised to drive a senbon into his neck. At the last possible moment, a cloud of insects appeared between the two. Growling in frustration, the ninja jumped back to avoid an attack he was expecting to come from the front only to end up in Gina's waiting arms.

"What?" gasped the ninja suddenly feeling a heaviness in his waist that was spreading. He twisted around and drove the senbon in his hand downwards. Gina removed one of her hands and blocked his forearm consequently starting the petrifying process. "Let…go!" Using what little mobility he had left, he shoved the girl off of him with enough force to knock her onto the floor. However, the damage had been done. He was stone around the waist and chest which made it difficult to breathe let alone move; his elbow was also stone. "What have you done to me you bitch?"

"I think you have more important things to concern yourself with." Shino said quietly, pressing a kunai to the man's neck. "Who are you? Why are you after Sasuke?"

"Hmph. I don't have to answer that." He looked at Sasuke. "But I will say this Uchiha, cowering behind your friends like that is unbecoming of someone with your destiny. You know what you need to do, so why are you hanging around here?"

"Shut up!" snapped Gina, kicking the man's legs out from under him. He landed heavily on his back and with his waist turned completely to stone he couldn't get the leverage to pull himself up or roll over so that he could push himself onto his knees. "It's his destiny so let him decide how he's going to reach it without any interference from you."

"But aren't you… interfering?" was the oily retort. He was starting to have difficulty breathing.

"Gina, what's he talking about?" asked Kiba, voicing the confusion he and Shino were both feeling.

"I can't tell you Kiba, I'm sorry." Gina said, between gritted teeth, glaring at the man on the floor. Sakura shot a nervous glance at Sasuke who looked angry.

"You mean… you don't know?" mocked the incapacitated ninja, grimacing as his chest ached with each breath.

"Silence! It's none of their business." Hissed Sasuke Angered that Orochimaru had sent someone to attack him, again. What was the snake playing at anyway?

_**He has a point though**_. Whispered a dark voice in the back of his mind. _**What have you learned staying here playing around with these weaklings when you should be getting stronger?**_ He was actually starting to consider those thoughts when he got the mental equivalent of a brick hitting him in the head.

"_Leave him alone._" Gina demanded in Sasuke's mind. This was a bit of surprise to Sasuke as up until now only Kotorra mentally chastised him. He wanted to ask how they were doing it but was beaten to it by the other voice in his head. "_Is that really important? What you should be asking is why are you even listening to someone who kowtows to a paedophile?_"

"**I**_**…**_" Sasuke started to say but was cut off.

"_**Who cares what he is, he has power. Power that he can give to us. Power that we can use to kill HIM.**_" Raged the other.

"_Geez you have a one track mind._" Groaned Gina. "_Seriously, get a hobby. Preferably one that doesn't result in the deaths of others_."

Sasuke himself was wondering if this is what he sounded like to other people. The other persona sounded like a psychopath. A small part of him snorted and asked when he started to care about what other people thought of him, but all this time the only thing driving him to get stronger was to prove to Itachi how strong he was by killing him. This was starting to get confusing.

When Anko arrived on the scene she was disappointed that the situation was mostly under control but she got the satisfaction of hauling the guy off to be interrogated.

"How long did you say he was going to be like this?" she asked, not having much experience with Gina's petrifying power save for the aftermath.

"Since I did it on purpose his body will stay that way until I reverse it. I suggest you let me petrify his legs and then undo what I did." Gina said.

"Oh? Why?"

"In that state he won't last long enough for you to get anything out of him. His organs may still be functioning but the pressure on his lungs will suffocate him soon."

"Ah."

Once that was taken care of, the intruder was taken away leaving the teenagers to clean up the mess.

Tsunade was not happy about being woken up at such a late hour and even less pleased about the circumstances surrounding it. Sarutobi was also present, however Shizune was not as it was felt that until they had a clear picture of what was happening. Hinata had gone home right after they'd encountered Anko. Kotorra didn't want to get in any trouble with Hiashi for endangering the heir.

"Where is Sasuke now?" she sighed.

"Still at the restaurant with the others." Said Kotorra. Bradley had changed into a basset hound and was curled up on her lap as she petted him idly. "I'm worried though. That person was able to get into the village and take out all four of the guards you sent to keep an eye on Sasuke."

"You think there's a leak." stated Sarutobi.

"This is no leak, this is a hole. One of Orochimaru's spies is loose in the village."

_I really don't like this chapter. It's been re-written about six times now and I'm somewhat disappointed that after all that this is the best I could come up with. (annoyed grunt)_


	41. Chapter 39

I'm not dead. I've just spent the last few days with a viral infection, so if this chapter doesn't make sense blame the medication the quack had me on.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"Okay, now flip it up into the air."

"You mean like this?"

"Perfect!"

"All right! That was easy! Thanks Kotorra-neesan!"

"Any time Naruto. Now, let's see if this tastes as good as it looks. Sasuke, get in here!"

A day and a half had gone by since that attack at the restaurant. The dine-in area was closed until the new furniture arrived from Bird Country but they were still taking take-out and delivery orders at lunch time.

Since no one had to be at the restaurant until eleven-thirty, Kakashi, Naruto, and Sakura had taken to coming by the Kejibi's apartment for breakfast. To everyone's surprise, Naruto asked Kotorra to teach him how to cook. Sasuke had asked him why.

"Well, Ichiraku-san, Kotorra-neesan, and Hinata-chan always look so happy when they're cooking I just wanted to try it too." Naruto had replied.

Kotorra just couldn't say no to an answer like that. So, she showed him how to make the batter for pancakes and how to flip them without using a spatula (1). He'd burned the first three and got the next five stuck on the ceiling, but now he'd gotten the hang of it and Kotorra couldn't have been more proud.

Sasuke stuck his head into the kitchen. "What?"

"Ne, ne, come taste my pancake!" said Naruto, waving the plate under his nose.

"No. Knowing you it'll probably poison me."

"Teme! I worked really hard on this! Now eat it or I'll shove it down your throat!"

"I'd like to see you try it, dobe."

"Hey, don't fight in my kitchen." Kotorra interjected. She was ignored.

Naruto leapt onto Sasuke and tried to shove a forkful of pancake into his mouth. The Uchiha wasn't about to give in and kept thrashing around until eventually, he got an arm loose and knocked the plate out of the blonde's hand. The pancake went sailing out the kitchen door.

"Teme! Now look what you've done!"

Sasuke's retort was cut off when Kakashi walked in with the pancake on his head. He pointed to it.

"Who is responsible for this?"

Sasuke pointed at Naruto and Naruto gave an indignant squawk and kicked the Uchiha. The two immediately started fighting. Kotorra sighed at their antics and wondered if hitting them with a broom would get them to stop.

"Mmm…this is quite good…" All movement stopped, and the three teenagers looked to see Kakashi holding a half-eaten pancake. "Is there any more?"

"Damn it! We missed a perfectly good opportunity to see Kakashi-sensei's face!" wailed Naruto.

In the Hokage's office, the mood wasn't nearly as jovial. No one could say how that assassin had gotten into the village and the bastard had killed himself during the interrogation (Ibiki was even less happy about that than the Hokage). They'd learned nothing useful and with every passing hour the trail would get colder. There was no recourse but to wait until the snake made a move. Meanwhile, the spy could be telling him kami knows what.

What was bothering Sarutobi was why Orochimaru would even bother sending someone to fight Sasuke at all. Was he trying to get Sasuke to try and escape the village or draw on the curse seal and hasten the process? Knowing his former student the way he did there had to be even more to it than that.

One thing was certain, Sasuke was safe for now. Orochimaru couldn't change bodies for another three years and abducting the boy outright would only draw unwanted attention to him. The only way for him to get to the Uchiha now was to keep pushing him to seek power by sending his "messengers" to test the boy's strength. Thankfully, he wasn't likely to try that again; the village was on the alert for such tricks now. If Orochimaru wanted Sasuke, Sasuke would have to come to him on his own.

Sarutobi smirked at that thought. If Sasuke wanted to go he'd have to go through Naruto and the Kejibi first.

"That's _my_ pancake!" Sakura yelled, waving her fork at Gina.

"Not anymore. For a ninja you sure have slow reflexes." Drawled Gina as she sprayed whipped cream on top of the pilfered pancake. "Someone please pass me the sugar."

"Dear Lord she's going to be bouncing off the walls all day..." groaned Kotorra.

"Hey Naruto, when you're done with the comics let me have 'em." Said Bradley as Naruto passed Gina the sugar bowl.

"Sasuke, you really should try some of the…what kind of syrup was this again?" asked Kakashi.

"Blackberry." Gina responded helpfully.

"Thanks. You really should try the blueberry syrup on your pancake."

"I've told you before, I don't like sweets." Sasuke stated.

"Geez, he's such an old man…" Gina rolled her eyes.

"I am not!"

"Yes you are, you're a grumpy old Ashat."

"Please don't fight at the breakfast table." Sighed Kotorra. Faust gave a little squeak from his perch on her shoulder and she fed him a bit of pancake. "…At least not while there's syrup. Lord knows I still haven't gotten all the molasses off the floor from the last incident."

"Isn't this nice," Kakashi smiled. "just like one happy family."

"I call being the family dog ." Said Bradley.

"If I had to be related to her I think I'd go mad or starve to death." Quipped Sakura, as Gina took another pancake.

"Daddy! Sakura's being mean!" Gina mock-whined at Kakashi.

"Feh, if anything Kakashi's the embarrassing uncle." Snorted Kotorra. Kakashi raised his only visible eyebrow.

"Does that make you a single mother then?" Kotorra threw a fork at him.

_Aah, a little scene to break up the tension from the last chapter. Next chapter is an omake because I feel like doing one, but don't get too relaxed. The dramatic tension (and cliff hangers) will be back right after the omake. Oh, and special creative credit goes to my friend Rei who sent me the picture of a cat with a pancake on its head (which lead to the whole pancake breakfast scene).. _

1) For the record, I've never been able to flip pancakes without using a spatula. The pancake always ends up on the floor. Strangely enough, I can flip a crepe…


	42. Third Omake: Konohagakure Benefit

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
Omake Three: Konohagakure Benefit Talent Show!  
By Kaori

Lights, television cameras, a stage, and an audience applauding as the host waves at them; it's the Konohagakure Benefit Talent Show!

"Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and human beings of questionable gender…that means you Sasuke." Said Kotorra, ducking as a kunai came hurtling out from stage left. "Tonight we're here to raise money for a worthy cause: the Keep Kaori Interested in this Fanfic Foundation or KKIFF. The ushers have locked the doors and no one is permitted to leave unless this place is on fire…and even then you'll be relieved of all your valuables before being allowed to evacuate. Those of you watching at home we are monitoring your cable boxes. A ninja will be along shortly to collect your money, cheque books and credit cards; don't bother changing the channel it's too late. It's our money now so you may as well sit back and enjoy the show. Our first act of the night is a stand-up comedy act by…Gaara of the Desert? What in the scary hell…"

The audience applauded in a confused manner as the insomniac red head made his way to the microphone. Kotorra stood off to the side.

Gaara stared down the audience for ten minutes. Nobody dared to speak, waiting to see what the boy would do. Finally a man in the centre row couldn't take it anymore.

"DO SOMETHING!" he yelled. Gaara gave him a blank stare, and then promptly used Sabaku Kyu on him.

"Thank you, good night." Said Gaara, taking a bow. Kotorra marched up and hit him upside the head.

"What the heck kind of comedy is _that_?" she demanded.

"Shukaku laughed." He deadpanned. Kotorra could feel the headache coming on.

"Go…just….just go."

The jinchuriki shrugged and sauntered off the stage.

"Let's move on to the next act, and will somebody clean up the mess please? Thank you. Our next performer is from right here in Konoha. Give it up for Hyuuga Neji!"

Applause as the lights dimmed down to two spotlights: one illuminating Neji and the other Rock Lee (on bongos). Both boys were dressed completely in black and sporting matching berets and sunglasses. Lee beat out a rhythm as Neji observed the audience.

"Birds fly free in the bright sunlight." He intoned. "Where they go I do not know. My Byakugan cannot divine their path. Woe. Woah, one just shit on my head."

The Branch House members in the second row (who were also dressed like beatnik poets) snapped their fingers in appreciation.

"That didn't rhyme!" yelled a fat guy in the back of the balcony seats.

"TenTen." Sighed Neji.

"Huh? What the heck is that supposed to mea… AGH! AAAAGHHH!" the heckler was noisily assassinated. Kotorra massaged her temples in annoyance as Neji and Lee left the stage.

"Do you guys have any idea how expensive it is to clean blood out of theatre seating? Never mind, you probably don't care. For those of you just tuning in, this is the Konohagakure Benefit Talent Show in support of KKIFF. Please donate generously or we'll probably send Gaara and Neji to your house. Now prepare to be amazed at the wondrous acts of prestidigitation performed by Gina the Great!" the audience applauded. "…And her lovely assistant Sasuke." She added hurriedly.

Ginaa dragged a very peeved looking Uchiha out on stage. She was dressed in a top hat and the standard magician's tuxedo and white gloves. Sasuke was in his usual shorts and shirt.

"I will now attempt to pull the stick out of Uchiha Sasuke's ass." She said.

"Is that even possible?" heckled Jiraya, who was in the audience.

"Let's find out!" she suddenly lunged at Sasuke and tackled him to the ground.

"What the hell are you doing?" protested the Uchiha. "Get your hands off of my pants!"

"Hold still! Stop wiggling! This will only take a second!"

"Like hell!"

"Oh come on, you and I both know it's too small for anyone to see..."

They continued to scuffle until finally, the girl was able to stuff her hand into the back of Sasuke's pants.

"GAH!"

"Oh stop complaining." She fished around back there for a few seconds and then pulled out a rabbit. "Well, it's no stick but it's something." She said. The audience broke into wild applause and there were a few catcalls. Sasuke was beet red.

"I feel so violated..."

"Oh please, you won't really know what violation is until Shippuden." Gina gave a bow and then led the Uchiha off the stage.

"Finally an act that didn't degenerate into senseless violence." Said Kotorra. Ino and Sakura suddenly rolled across the stage locked in furious catfight. "You people are doing this on purpose, aren't you?" she glared, kicking them into the orchestra pit. "Next up, Aburame Shino and His Fabulous Flea Circus!" As she was speaking Shino had walked up behind her. He tapped the older girl on the shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"The fleas escaped." Shino said.

"Can't you call them back? You're supposed to be on right now."

"They are not answering me."

"SHINO YOU BASTARD!" yelled Kiba marching on stage. "AKAMARU HAS FLEAS!"

"Ah, that explains it…"

"Oh for the love of…Both of you get off the stage! NOW!" She shooed both boys stage left. "Well since I have no other choice I'll just move on to the final act of the night, thank God. Presenting the Daring Dance of Seven Articles of Clothing as performed by Uzumaki Naruto… You know what, no. I refuse to allow this." Several people who were looking forward to watching Naruto strip started protesting. "I said no! The show's over, give me your money!"

The station identifier comes on the screen as Kotorra and a squad of ANBU relieve the audience of their cash and valuables.

_You know, it just occurred to me that this would make an interesting cosplay sketch…although in the stage version I'd actually have Naruto start stripping before being kidnapped by Itachi halfway through._


	43. Chapter 40

I remember there was a week in my high school when calling someone a "leg" was an insult. Actually I think it would still be a good insult for no other reason than the person being insulted will probably laugh at you rather than deck you.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Halfway to the restaurant, Kotorra remembered what she was supposed to do today. Opening up the mental link she asked Bradley and Gina to keep an eye on Sasuke while she went to see the Hokage. Out loud, she told Team 7 and Kakashi that she had to see the Hokage and she'd be along later.

"Remember, think happy thoughts!" Gina waved at her and put Sasuke into a headlock. "And don't worry about Asshat, we'll keep him out of trouble if it kills him!" Sasuke gave Gina a "you're the one going to be killed" look before he was unceremoniously dragged off with Sakura yelling at Gina to let him go.

In a gloomy laboratory, Kabuto continued with the experiment that had begun the previous day. Orochimaru was still asleep, having exhausted himself during yesterday's efforts. His thoughts drifted towards the resurrected bodies lying obediently on the tables behind him. While it was true that these beings could use the abilities they had in their former life they were ultimately useless as host bodies for Orochimaru since they were essentially re-animated corpses with a different dead person in it.

Sometimes Kabuto pondered the intricacies of Orochimaru's possession jutsu. It wasn't at all like the one used by the Yamanaka clan; eventually the Yamanaka would have to return to their own body whereas Orochimaru did not. Kabuto often suspected that the snake sennin didn't have a body anymore.

From what he was able to determine, when the intended host's chakra and willpower were at its lowest or when he was simply stronger than the host, Orochimaru was able to force his soul into the body and lock the original owner into the recesses of their own mind before slowly assimilating them into his own consciousness. He couldn't do that with a resurrected person because, apparently, dead tissue only accepts a "dead" spirit.

Besides, Orochimaru had stated several times that forcing a living soul into a dead body would kill the soul if the conditions that killed the original inhabitant of the body aren't rectified.

Bringing his mind back to the task at hand he walked over to the far side of the room where his unwilling guest for the last few months was bound to a steel table with chains. Predictably the man, Kabuto had taken to calling him Blade, glared murderously at him. Kabuto supposed he had a right to be upset, he had been drawing blood from him almost every day. Oddly enough, it was making him nostalgic for the experiments on Kimimaro and Juugo (1). Oh well, no time for that now. He had a lot of work to do and couldn't afford distractions.

Kotorra fidgeted under Tsunade's gaze; Shizune stood off to one side.

"Truthfully, I have to wonder if it would work on you at all. It is a chakra based technique." Said Tsuanade.

"Yes, but as you've noticed I'm only immune to genjutsu, and just a select few of your medical ninjutsu are rendered ineffective. Regular old ninjutsu and taijutsu tend to work just fine." Kotorra pointed out.

"Very well, if you're that determined we'll give it a try. Shizune, find Yamanaka Inochi and ask him to meet us at the hospital, you needn't explain why." Tsuande stood up, motioning for Kotorra to follow her.

Inochi had been in the middle of training Ino when Shizune showed up and told him that the Hokage requested his presence at the hospital. Disappointed that he had to cut off quality time with his daughter he followed the Hokage's aide, unsure what to expect.

He wasn't expecting to find the owner and chef of Kejibi Mochikaeri lying on a hospital bed.

"I suppose you're wondering why you're here." Said the Hokage as she busily attached monitoring devices to the dark-skinned young woman.

"Ah, yes Hokage-sama." Nodded Inochi.

Tsunade explained Kotorra's unusual talents and the suspicion that there was some kind of mental barrier preventing her from fully utilizing her powers. They were doing this in the hospital because Kotorra had a highly unusual chakra system and there was no real way of knowing what would happen when the Shintenshin was performed.

"I'm not going to force you. It's your decision whether or not you want to do this." The Hokage warned. "We are well aware that this matter does not actually concern you, but you are the only one that can help."

In the back of her mind, Kotorra was hoping that the man would say "no", mostly because she was afraid of what he might see. She didn't think any good would come out of some stranger knowing that she and her friends had been in the employ of creatures not from this world. To her slight dismay, the Yamanaka agreed. She sighed. No turning back now.

"Before you do anything there is one more thing you should know." Kotorra said, a stern expression on her face. "No matter what you see inside my head you cannot tell anyone outside of this room what you saw. It would cause a panic."

"Ah yes, I had forgotten about _that_." Blinked Tsunade; people didn't need to know that Kotorra and her friends were actually from the past (2). "Inochi, you must give your word as a shinobi of Konoha that you will not reveal anything to anyone outside this room of what you see inside this girl's head. You are only to find out what is hindering her from obtaining her potential."

"I understand Hokage-sama." Bowed Inochi. Kotorra felt a little more relieved. "With your permission, young lady?"

"Let's get this show on the road." Nodded the Deuce. Inochi made a hand sign and suddenly she felt like she was falling.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Naruto asked, noticing Sasuke suddenly stiffen. Sasuke didn't answer him, seemingly finding glaring at the floor more appealing. "Maybe you should sit down for a bit."

"I'm fine." Ground out the Uchiha. _What the hell was that just now_? He didn't have a chance to ponder the answer as the world around him went dark. The last thing he heard was Naruto yelling for help.

_Seeing that the trip through Kotorra's head is going to take at least five pages to tell properly I've decided to cut off here rather than force you to slog through that. Also, depending on how engrossed I get in this book I'm reading, the update might take longer than usual (Don't glare at me I work for a living.)_

1) Those of you who have not yet gotten this far because you don't read scanslations and don't want spoilers will just have to deal with being confused. The rest of you can go to Wikipedia.

2) Remember, Kotorra and her friends have always left out any references to extraterrestrials when explaining things to anyone. And so far only Tsunade and Sarutobi know that they are from the past.


	44. Chapter 41

We interrupt this fanfic for a special news bulletin! Zombies have invaded the country! Apparently they were driven here by Tropical Storm Noel. Citizens are advised to quickly finish closing down their hurricane shutters and get insi…braaaaaaaiiiiins.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Kotorra's mindscape resembled a library. There was a front desk with no one occupying it, and rows upon rows of what looked like bookshelves with small desks attached. Closer scrutiny showed them to be data towers. She remembered them well enough; by placing your hands on the console or, in the case of those species that lacked hands, connecting to it via a brainjack (1), you could access information according to your level of access. Kotorra supposed that these were used to access her memories.

But where was Inoichi? The way he explained things he should be right in here with her. Something had gone wrong, but just how wrong didn't become apparent until she was suddenly confronted by two Sasukes.

"**Interloper,**" the tone of voice instantly identified this Sasuke as the malicious personality she'd encountered before. She grimaced. It was worse than she thought. "**I demand to know where we are.**"

"We are inside my mind." Kotorra said, looking the entity in the eyes. "I suppose that makes you the interloper this time around."

"_Your_ mind?" echoed the other (and in Kotorra's opinion, real) Sasuke. "How did we get here? You know, don't you." It was a statement not a question.

"My guess is the shintenshin jutsu went wrong" She suspected that she'd forgotten to sever her link with Sasuke, having grown accustomed to having it open all the time, and when the jutsu went off it pulled Sasuke in but he didn't need to know all of that."…I'd be more worried about how we're going to get you out."

"**What's the matter? Afraid of what we might see?**"

"You know, I need to call you something other than Sasuke so I don't get confused." The double sneered.

"**Trying to change the subject?**"

"Avenger is what I probably _should_ call you, but that's also the name of that bird from that old cartoon (2)… It was kind of lame now that I think about it."

"**Don't you ignore me!**"

"I think I'll call you Nemesis. It amounts to about the same thing."

"**I don't care what you call me.**"

"Nemesis it is then." She started walking.

"Where are you going?" asked Sasuke.

"Standing around here isn't going to accomplish anything. And since you're here you can help me finish what I came in here to do."

"And what's that?"

"Finding out whether I've reached the limit of my power."

"**And just why should we help you anyway? What do we stand to gain from this?**" The question brought a sardonic expression to the girl's face. It was the same question the Master Traders asked whenever a proposal was brought to them. In a strange way, it was comforting but now she faced the dilemma of finding something she could offer in exchange for Nemesis and Sasuke's assistance.

She knew that Sasuke only wanted one thing above all else: the power to get revenge on his hated older brother, Uchiha Itachi. Orochimaru has given Sasuke a way to accomplish that goal, thus creating Nemesis. Nemesis had expressed that he was only interested in getting the power Orochimaru offered, while Sasuke didn't really care where or how so long as he got power. Her only hope was offering Sasuke greater power than Orochimaru could grant him. But how?

Her mind was going a thousand miles a minute. Was there such a thing? Did it still exist? Where would she get it? Unable to come up with anything right away, she decided to try a different approach.

"You do realize that you're trapped in my mind." Kotorra said, slowly. "You want to get your revenge? You'll have to get out of here first. Help me and you help yourself."

"**You don't know that.**" Nemesis spat. "**You said we're here because of the shintenshin jutsu, so that means once we don't have enough chakra to sustain it we'd end up back in our own body.**"

"I did say that but I also said that something went wrong." And Kotorra wasn't going to elaborate on that point. "You didn't cast the jutsu so why would it be running off your chakra? Furthermore, once the chakra being used for the technique ends, who's to say you won't be trapped here? Are you sure you want to find out?"

"Fine. Let's go." Said Sasuke, cutting of Nemesis before he could argue the point. "It's better than standing around here doing nothing. Where do we start?"

Kotorra looked around.

"These towers are new. My guess is that the further back we go, the older the memories get, and so we should head further in."

"Lead the way."

Out in the waking world, the mood was apprehensive. After his jutsu had gone wrong, Inoichi was suffering from the backlash of chakra and Kotorra was comatose. All her vital signs were okay but her brainwave activity had tripled.

To make matters worse, not ten minutes later, Team 7 and the two Jokers came rushing in with Ssuke's limp form. His vitals signs were all normal except that he had no brain activity whatsoever.

Gina fretted by her best friend's bedside while Sakura and Naruto hovered over the Uchiha.

"How could this have happened?" Tsunade muttered, rubbing her temples in aggravation. Bradley raised his hand. "What?"

"Um, I have a theory but you're probably not going to like it." This got Naruto and Sakura's attention.

"Explain." Bradley cast a furtive glance in the genin's direction and then looked at Gina. She nodded. Kotorra could yell at them for this later.

"Remember how the Council asked us to used the BorgFish to monitor Sasuke?" This got looks of confusion from Sakura and Naruto.

"What do you mean "monitor Sasuke?" Sakura asked.

"We told you once before that the devices behind our ears allow us to speak and understand you." The dog-hybrid replied. "What we didn't tell you is that it lets us talk to each other through a mental link. We can even hear each other's thoughts while the link is open."

"You still haven't answered my question."

"During the mission to retrieve Sasuke, Kotorra gave one of those devices to Shikamaru to give to Naruto." The Hokage stated. "Naruto managed to get it onto Sasuke and Kotorra used it to subdue him until Kakashi arrived."

"I remember Sasuke suddenly got really still after I put that thing on him and then he started talking to himself." Naruto said. "Did Kotorra-neesan do that?"

"Yes." Nodded Tsunade. "Somehow the Council got wind of her part in that mission and decided that it could be used to help keep tabs on Uchiha."

"And if you'll notice, Sasuke's wearing the BorgFish now." Gina added.

"We keep a constant one-way link open to Sasuke. We can hear his thoughts, but he can't hear ours since he doesn't know how to use the BorgFish to link to another person." Bradley said. "When Kotorra came to see you, Hokage-sama, she had cut off her link with us, but she must have forgotten to sever her connection with Sasuke. So when Yamanaka-san performed the jutsu on Kotorra, Sasuke got pulled in instead."

"So how come neither of you got pulled in as well?"

"I think it's because we weren't linked up to Kotorra. Although I don't understand why his connection to us didn't stop him from getting pulled into the jutsu."

"So how do we get them out of it?" asked Sakura.

"Well now, that's the million dollar question, isn't it?" sighed Gina.

Back in Kotorra's mindscape, they were approaching the back of the girl's mind.

As the young woman had thought, the further into her mind they went, the older the data towers looked but at the very end of the long rows of data towers, was a wall with huge, steel, double doors that were heavily chained and padlocked. Above the doors was a sign: RESTRICTED ACCESS.

"**Well now, this **_**is**_** interesting.**" Hummed Nemesis.

"Is it the way out?" Sasuke asked.

"No." said Kotorra, shivering. "But whatever is behind that door is not something to be taken lightly if the locks are any indication."There was behind the door and it was giving her chills. Curiosity overrode the fear and she walked up to the door and grasped one of the padlocks. She was startled when it fell open in her hands and dissolved, as did the chains it had been attached to. All at once the doors started to open, a blinding light on the other side. The trio shielded their eyes.

_There's a cliffhanger here because there are two ways the next scene could go and I'm having a hard time choosing between the two. Once I make up my mind the story will continue._

1) Think Ghost in the Shell.

2) Say it with me now: BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRDMAN!


	45. Chapter 42

Space Ghost: Here's another show while Moltar bakes us some Christmas goodies. (sniff sniff) What's that smell?

Moltar: It's your butt roasting over an open fire.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Gone was the library-like room with its tall data towers. The teenage trio now stood before the mangled remains of a human being. The head was still intact, the only indication that the thing before them had been a human male at some point.

His neck was being gripped by what looked like two bear traps on hydraulic poles; his body held in a spiked vice. His arms and legs were pinned to the floor by steel stalactites. Blood and other body fluids sluggishly oozed out of the punctured body parts and pooled around him. As if suddenly realizing that he had an audience, the man lolled his head so he could regard the visitors properly.

"_You came to visit me…" he rasped out. "…little girl?"_

Kotorra took a step back, as if she had been struck. That voice. That face. Where did she know them?

Nemesis observed the tortured soul in front of him with barely contained interest, ignoring the distress of the girl standing next to him. "What was this memory?" he wondered.

Sasuke on the other hand, was more concerned with how dark the room was getting. It had started from behind the tortured man and was creeping up on them. He grabbed Kotorra's arm. "We should move." He said. Unfortunately she didn't seem to hear him, entranced by the oncoming darkness. Nemesis, too, had no interest in going anywhere; too curious to see what was going to happen next. And soon it was far too late, and they were swallowed up.

The brainwave monitor was going crazy. Naruto, Sakura, Bradley, and Gina were herded out of the room by Kakashi while Tsunade and a team of medics tried to stabilize a seizing Kotorra; Inoichi had long since been sent to a room to rest. Sasuke remind completely cataleptic.

Balefully, the teenagers looked to Kakashi. None of them wanting to leave the hospital yet.

"Does anyone want something to drink while we wait?" Kakashi asked after a moment.

"Water." Grunted Bradley.

"Same." Murmured Gina. Sakura and Naruto nodded, indicating that they wanted the same thing as well. Kakashi left the teenagers to their thoughts as he headed for the commissary.

Voices echoed and bounced around the darkness, voices she remembered…

"_Mom! Dad!"_

"_Kotorra! Run away!" _

"_Well, aren't you a pretty little thing. Come down here and let me have a better look at you."_

A heartbeat, heavy, and audible to the three standing in the dark listening. Thump thump. Thump thump.

"_I said come here you brat!"_

"_N..no! NO! Go away! Leave us alone!"_ Kotorra's voice, but much younger; the slightly sarcastic edge non-existent.

Fear. Heartbeat getting faster. Thump thump. Thump thump. A dim image coming into focus ahead; a man and a woman tied to a chair, a big, brutish man, the one who had been lying restrained and mangled just a moment ago, approaching up the stairs. Thump thump. The thug gets closer.

"_There's nowhere to run little girl…_" he leers, reaching out his hands.

Sasuke and Nemesis stand there, rooted to the spot bearing; witness to the memory that had been locked away for so long.

Terror! Thathump thathump, thathump! The heartbeats came even faster, Kotorra was on her knees now, shaking and hyperventilating. As much as he wanted to, Sasuke could not move. Nemesis had mysteriously disappeared.

As the man's hand reached out for them both this Kotorra and the voice of the child she had been screamed out in unison, "NO! GO _AWAY_!"

The darkness erupted into brilliant violet and it felt like a rush of air was propelling them forward, yet they were not moving; horrible screams and the sound of metal tearing through flesh, snapping bones, and various fluids bursting from mortal wounds. The trio could only watch as the man was brutally punctured by the metal protrusions and mauled by steel-trap like mouths that used to be part of the staircase. Soon, he appeared as he had when they first saw him but things did not stop there.

The past Kotorra, the one whose eyes they were watching through, extended a small hand. Long, delicate-looking fingers had wispy traces of purple light streaming between them. Slowly the metal monstrosity that was holding the terrified and mangled attacker turned victim was transformed into two large, spiked, metal slabs, in between was the intruder. The man's eyes rolled up in horror.

"…_please, no…_" he whined.

Strangely, there was no feeling this time. The heartbeats were even and slow; the mind calm.

"_You hurt mommy and daddy_." Was the muttered response.

CLANG!

Outside of Kotorra's room, the teenagers practically spat out their water when the yelling started. Bradley's ears were pointed straight up in alarm, all his senses telling him that something was horribly wrong. They were about to rush the room when the frantic medics and Tsunade came running out carrying Sasuke. A half second later, the first shockwave hit closely followed by five more. The lights flickered, brightened, and then the bulbs exploded one after the other. Then it was all over; nothing but the sound of pieces of glass hitting the floor and quiet sobbing from the next room.

_DER-RAMAAA! Like it, hate it? Wonder what I'm on and where you can get some? Well there's the review box, do what you gotta do. _

1) Now I didn't take physics in school, just read a lot of books and looked up the words I didn't understand but I think if you break a mass down to its atoms you've basically taken it apart to the point where it can still be categorized as a chemical element. So assuming that it was physically and scientifically possible, if you could reduce something to its atoms you could theoretically put it back together as something else. Physics majors correct me if I'm wrong.


	46. Chapter 43

31,931 hits and counting… I know you're out there I can see you clicking.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Tsunade sighed wearily, as she finished her diagnosis on the young girl in front of her, still unsure of what to do to help her.

Three days had passed since the incident. Kotorra, after crying herself to sleep, had fallen into a coma and nothing she'd tried so far was having any effect.

"Then again, I don't know why I'm surprised." Tsunade murmured to herself. The massive amount of energy she'd produced was incredible, and the results even more so.

After the shockwaves had stopped, Tsunade, Team 7, Gina, and Bradley had gone into the room to see if Kotorra was all right. What they saw was outright impossible. The walls, the floor, and the windows sustained heavy damage from the energy that was released. Not surprising since even the hallway outside the room was practically grounds for condemnation of the entire floor. But despite all this, the bed and the medical monitoring devices had all been completely transformed.

The bed, which had been a simple metal frame, was now stainless steel and almost bathtub shaped. The mattress and pillow remained relatively unchanged at first glance, when they'd moved the girl out of the room later the mattress and pillow were made out of a material that Bradley said was called memory foam.

The medical machinery was completely changed. Kotorra had been hooked up to a brain wave monitor, a heart rate monitor, and a blood pressure monitor. Those three machines had been replaced by a single machine that did all three functions and more; a team of medic-nins was still discovering all the things it could do.

Then there was the matter of Uchiha Sasuke. He'd woken up several hours after the shockwaves had ended with his curse seal active. Strangely, there was no killing intent as he lashed out. In fact there wasn't any emotion at all and he didn't seem be aware of where he was or recognize the people in the room. Kakashi and Bradley had restrained him while Gina immobilized him. Apparently, the side effects of the BorgFish are more drastic if you're in the person's mind.

Bradley had explained, once Sasuke had been sedated, that under normal conditions the first side-effect is that you start mimicking the other person's movements (kind of like the Nara clan's kagemane only without shadows), then that person can actually gain control of you (like the Yamanaka's shintenshin). If this goes on for too long you start to believe that you are the other person. Sasuke seemed to have bypassed the first two stages entirely.

Tsunade and Sarutobi decided that until Jiraiya came back, Sasuke would be put under ANBU observation and kept in a heavily sealed room for his and everyone else's protection. The last thing they needed was a curse-seal mad Uchiha running around loose.

"Why won't you wake up?" Tsunade asked the still form on the bed. "What could you possibly be doing?"

Kotorra sat in the empty space where the memory of the man she'd killed had been. Her only company was the blank-eyed form of her younger self. She didn't know what had become of Nemesis and Sasuke, or how long she'd been sitting here but she knew that she needed to get out.

When she'd fallen asleep after the memory had ended, she found herself back inside her head staring at her younger self. She didn't remember ever looking so despondent at that age and after making that observation the scenery changed and she had been standing in a hospital room. It soon became apparent that this is what must have happened some time after the attack. Funny how she didn't remember that either…

"_I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Lewis but I'm afraid there isn't anything we can do to help. Whenever someone other than yourselves tries to get near her she becomes highly agitated and loses control of her wild card_." The doctor said. "_However, I can recommend a specialist whose expertise is with cases like these. I must warn you though that the treatment will severely inhibit her wild card to the point where she may not even be able to use it._"

"_But will she be back to herself again_?" her mother had asked.

"_Mostly._ _I won't lie to you, she will be able to function like a normal human being but there is always the chance that her personality may be altered_."

"_Why? What does the treatment do?_"

"_Basically she will have her memory of the incident blocked off from the rest of her consciousness. Since this was the trigger for her wild card, that's also the reason why she may not be able to use it. Altering the mind in this way can affect other parts of the brain and hence a possible change in personality. I wouldn't worry too much about that, though the changes would only be very slight._"

"_We'll do it_." Her father said firmly. "_Anything is better than this_."

Apparently that memory had been blocked off as well so she wouldn't realize what had been done to her. Still, it had been for her own good and if she had been in her parents' position she probably would have done the same thing.

The memory that came next was one she usually had after the one that, up until now, had been a blank spot. She was in a hospital with her parents and little brother standing by her bed. When she'd asked what had happened and where the robber had gone they said that the neighbors had heard her yelling and called the police. That the man had knocked her out before the police had gotten there. She'd told them she didn't remember any of that and they'd smiled and said it was okay she probably just blocked it out.

Before she believed what her parents had said. Now she knew better. She didn't remember that because it hadn't happened.

Now though, she had a problem. Every time she tried to wake herself up she was stopped by the apparition of the dead-eyed girl she'd been after the attack; somehow, the fear she had felt all those years ago would well up and she could feel the surge of power surging up to protect her, and she had to wrestle it back down. She knew what would happen if she lost control; she'd _seen_ what happened when she had and although she didn't feel a thing while it was happening, afterwards… she wanted to die.

Kotorra knew she couldn't stay in here forever and dammit she had too many things she wanted to accomplish.

"But what if you lose control again?" her younger self said sadly. "You'll just hurt more people. You won't mean to, it'll just happen. It'll be like that doctor and those nurses and that bad man."

Kotorra closed her eyes.

"A friend of mine, you don't know her, is always telling me "fuck what and tell if to kiss my ass". I know I'm afraid of what could happem, but I can't live my life afraid of myself."

The apparition frowned, and Kotorra could feel the fear welling up in her and the power coming to her aid. This time though, she wasn't going to fight the power. This time she was going to fight the fear.

In the waking world, Bradley, Gina, Naruto, Kakashi, and Sakura were sitting by Kotorra's bedside when her hands started to glow bright purple. Kakashi had run out to get Shizune while the teenagers stayed, albeit a relatively safe distance from the bed.

The glow started to darken, then started to take on that mercury-like quality. Kotorra's face contorted, seemingly in concentration, and her hands went back to bright purple.

"The bed's changing!" Sakura exclaimed.

Fascinated and a frightened at the same time, they watched as the bed rapidly lost its form and then seemed to be made of nothing but particles of light. Then as quickly as it had started the process started to reverse itself, except that instead of reforming into a bed, it took on the shape of an armchair; Kotorra's body shifted to accommodate the new position.

Just as Kakashi, Shizune, and Tsunade came bursting into the room, the transformation had completed. Nobody moved as Kotorra slowly raised her bowed head, crossed her legs, and opened her dark brown eyes. Regarding the people in the room, she steepled her fingers and said in a completely serious tone, "…The pit! Hand me my pendulum kiddies, I feel like swingin' (1)."

Kabuto wiped the sweat from his forehead and growled in frustration. He had thought they'd made progress when the test subjects had reacted favorably to the Genesis strain only to find that the bodies soon rejected it. Violently. He was now attempting to stabilize their conditions and failing.

There was one bright side, even though their bodies had ultimately rejected Genesis, it did have a noticeable effect on each subject's respective bloodline. The Uchiha, for example, now had a permanently active Mangekyou Sharingan, even though there was no chakra being channeled into his eyes. If he could only stop them from dying…again, then maybe he'd have something to work with.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"

Kabuto sighed, and prepared another needle. Sometimes he regretted becoming a medic-nin.

Oochimaru himself was reading over a report he'd received from his spy in Konoha. He snarled when he read the part about Sasuke being under heavy guard and scoffed at the idea that they thought Jiraiya's sealing abilities could stave off his curse seal. At best it was only temporary. Sasuke would come to him, one way or another. Until then he would content himself with his efforts with the Genesis strain.

He was about to put the scroll away to finish reading later when two words caught his attention: suspected unknown bloodlines.

His excitement grew as he read the report. Three teenagers with abilities not seen anywhere before. His eyes glinted as he looked at the accompanying pictures. It was the three brats who were with Tsunade, Jiraiya, and the Kyuubi jinchuriki. He read on.

The spy had been able to learn that the trio had appeared outside of Konoha; one of them was found by Kakashi's team, the other two by a squad of ANBU. Since then they had been living in the village where they currently run a restaurant. The report went on to list displayed abilities and talents. Apparently the girl he thought he'd killed was, as well as an excellent chef, a highly trained diplomatic liaison and something of an inventor. The other girl, who'd partially turned Manda to stone, had been responsible for the golem during the Oto/Suna invasion on Konoha and the boy could transform into canines and speak to animals.

A sick smile spread across the sennin's face. It would appear that there were more carriers of the Genesis strain than he'd thought, and unlike his current…guest, these three were able to communicate. The last note in the report said that Uchiha Sasuke had been placed in their custody.

"Kukuku…this is getting better and better all the time."

If Kabuto's experiments bore fruit by the time he was ready to collect Sasuke, perhaps it would be prudent to make those three an offer.

1) This is a line from the movie "Beach Party" and it is delivered by Vincent Price at the end. He's supposed to be this great guru who has been asleep for the entire summer and all the teenagers at the beach are waiting for him to wake up so he can give them "The Word". At the end of the movie, when he finally does wake up and asked "What's the word?" that's what he says. I couldn't think of a suitable line so I used that one.


	47. Chapter 44

Super Fast Update no Jutsu!

Where the Hell Are We Now!

By Kaori

Once Tsunade and the medics were finished with their examination, and determined that the only thing Kotorra was suffering from now was exhaustion, Gina had immediately rushed to the bedridden girl's side and started hugging her.

"Oh God! Koto I'm so sorry! We should never have talked you into doing that!" Gina babbled, fussing over her friend. "I was so scared that you'd never wake up again!"

"G, you're smothering her." Bradley said good-naturedly.

"Ack! I'm sorry! Are you okay?"

"For the last time I'm fine." Kotorra giggled at the shorter girl's antics. "And you don't need to apologize to me, I'm actually better off for it." Her expression turned serious. "But enough about me for right now, what happened to Sasuke?" Kakashi updated her on the situation and she grimaced. "Is there any chance we can see him?"

"I'm afraid not. At least not until Jiraiya-sama can seal up that curse mark again." Kakashi replied.

"And you won't be leaving that bed for a while young lady." Said Tsunade. "You used a hell of a lot of energy three days ago, and you've probably depleted whatever reserves you'd built up just now with that little stunt of yours. You're under bed rest until I say otherwise."

"But the restaurant…" Kotorra started.

"Hey, don't worry about it." Bradley said. "We'll just have to shut it down until you get better. Just concentrate on getting your strength back, Fearless Leader." Kotorra laughed.

"All right, visiting hours are over. Everybody out." Ordered Tsunade.

When Tsunade returned to her office, she was most displeased to see Danzo waiting for her. Sitting behind her desk she regarded the disfigured man with barely contained annoyance.

"And what brings you to my office today, Danzo?" she asked. Facial expression neutral, the man produced a manila envelope and tossed it onto Tsunade's desk; three folders spilled out of it. Tsunade picked them up, skimmed through their contents, and had to restrain herself from throwing the paperweight at the old war hawk.

The three files contained detailed information on the Wild Cards beginning with their arrival in Konoha up until their involvement with the Uchiha Retrieval Mission as well as their medical files.

"All of this information is highly classified." Seethed Tsunade. "How did you come across it?"

"It was found in the possession of a chuunin who we have reason to believe is in collaboration with Orochimaru. Unfortunately, it appears we uncovered this spy too late as he admitted that the information in your hand, as well as information on Uchiha Sasuke's condition and whereabouts, had already been passed on."

Now she was worried. If Orochimaru got his hands on Sasuke there would be trouble. If he got his hands on Sasuke _and_ the Kejibi it would be a disaster.

"Thank you, Danzo." She said between gritted teeth. "You may leave now."

"Tsunade, our methods may differ but we both want what is best for Konoha." Danzo said before leaving, the Hokage glared at his back until the door blocked her view.

"Damn it, what else could go wrong?"

Knock. Knock. Knock. "Tsunade, are you there?"

"Come in Sarutobi-sensei." Sighed the Godaime.

"You know you don't have to call me sensei anymore." The wizened man said kindly.

"Old habits die hard. What brings you up here, I thought you were going to spend some time with Konohamaru today."

"I was on my way when I saw Danzo coming out of your office. I know how much he upsets you."

"Well right now there's something that's upsetting me more." And she handed Sarutobi the files and let him read them over. "Orochimaru has that information now and I'm afraid of what he'll do with it."

"This does not bode well. Sasuke's not going to be his only target anymore."

"Thankfully the spy wasn't able to learn that Kotorra and her friends are from the past. To be safe I left that out of their medical records entirely, classifying their abilities as unknown bloodlines instead. It's partially true but not completely accurate. Still, that is temptation enough for Orochimaru. I can't raise the security of the village any more than it is already. If the other villages get wind of it they'll get curious. For now, I guess we continue the waiting game, maddening is that is."

"You're doing fine Tsunade." Said Sarutobi.

"Thank you sensei."

When Gina and Bradley returned to the apartment, Faust had demanded to know "what had become of his love". After being told the situation, he went into a fit of dramatics (which was rather funny to watch considering he's a falcon) and then perched on the windowsill sighing, "oh my poor Koto-chan". Bradley shook his head.

"The first boy to ever show any interest in Kotorra is a bird." He turned to Gina. "Well, shall we get started?"

"My link's open." Nodded Gina.

"Okay." He switched to the BorgFish connection. "_Kotorra, you there?_"

"_I'm here._" Kotorra sounded tired.

"_Are you sure you're up for this? I mean, you sound worn out_." Gina said, concerned.

"_I can rest once we're through, we need to flesh out these plans while we have the opportunity. I've got a handle on my Wild Card now so we don't have the obstacle of running around looking for craftsmen._"

"_That would have been risky anyway. Eventually somebody was going to get curious._" Bradley pointed out.

"_By the way, you still have to tell us just what your Wild Card does_." Gina added.

"_Ah, well, it's pretty much the same as before only now I can craft at will, at an accelerated pace. However, the bigger the object the more…material I need_." Kotorra explained.

"_How so?_"

"_Remember when I made the BabelFish wired? I used the stuff in my pocket. And as for the Sasuke's BorgFish, apparently I didn't make it out of thin air. I didn't notice it at the time, but my belt was missing afterwards._"

"_But what about that thing you did in the fight with Orochimaru?_" asked Bradley.

"_I'm not entirely ready to tell you just yet but the short of the matter is that it takes a hell of a lot of energy for me to make something, and the bigger the object the more energy I have to use. I can convert mass to energy but there has to be material I can use around. I wasn't in control back then so my powers latched on to the first usable thing it could reach and since it seems my powers don't work on living things, Naruto's kunai was it._"

"_How do you know that_?"

"_A bit of deductive reasoning and observation…and some experimentation_."

Bradley and Gina looked at each other.

"_What kind of experimentation_?" Gina asked slowly.

"_Er…do you remember Caleb?_"

"_The kid with the metal arms from fifth grade? What about him?_"

"_I kind of tried to do something similar with my arm. Didn't work._"

"_Koto! You're supposed to be resting!_" chided Bradley.

"_I know, I know but I was getting bored waiting for you to contact me! I've nothing to do but stare at the ceiling. When you come visit tomorrow, bring me a book or something_." Gina smiled wickedly even though Kotorra couldn't see it.

"_Think Kakashi will let us borrow Icha Icha Paradise?_" she leered.

"_You bring me that to read and you die!_"

"_We're way off topic_." Bradley brought them back to the matter at hand. "_Do you think you'll be able to create all the equipment we need using your Wild Card alone?_"

"_Not all at once, but give me about a month and I should be able to pull it off. The trouble now is, getting the raw materials. It'd raise too many questions if a whole pile of junk metal suddenly vanished without a trace._"

"_What about wood? Couldn't you use wood instead?_"

"_We'll test that out when I get out of here. But if I changed the down mattress into memory foam like you said I did, turning wood to metal should be similar. In the meantime, try and find out where we can get our hands on some metals, ores, or alloys. Bradley, put up some help wanted signs outside the restaurant; we can afford to actually hire people to work the restaurant on a regular basis while we concentrate on other things. Also, start looking to see if there are any houses for sale._"

"_Houses for sale?_"

"_Yeah. Preferably something with two floors and a basement, we'll be needing the space_."


	48. Chapter 45

A moment of silence for my cat Byakko, who died rather suddenly December 3rd.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"I feel like a newlywed…" grumbled Gina as she walked alongside Bradley. "Any minute now I'm gonna start calling you "dearest" or something corny like that." Bradley looked up from the newspaper he had been carrying; it was opened up at the classifieds section.

"Does that make Naruto our son? 'Cause I don't think I'm ready to be a father yet." Gina hit him.

"You two being married would probably qualify as incest anyway." Naruto quipped. The two Wild Cards stopped walking.

"Did he just…"

"We'll pretend it didn't happen and move on with our lives." Gina said solemnly. "Let's just get back to house hunting."

The three continued on their way through the streets of Konoha; Gina occasionally grabbing the newspaper away from Bradley and asking Naruto for suggestions.

Most of the houses they were looking for were located on the outskirts of Konohagakure and in areas that were frequented by seedy individuals. This suited the Wild Cards fine because it meant it was unlikely they would be bothered and they were far enough away that the things they would be doing in the house would go practically unnoticed.

Naruto, of course, had no idea as to their reasoning and, after they rejected the fourth house they'd visited (it lacked the requisite basement), he'd asked about it.

"Well," Bradley said slowly. "you know how it is. There are people here who still think we're spies at the best of times and demons at the worst. Besides, all the other houses are too big or too close to highly populated areas."

"And think of all the wild parties we could have without having to worry about the neighbors bitching." Gina added. "Asshat's house is great, but we can't go there anymore since Orochimaru is after him."

"Are you planning on having another party?" Naruto was genuinely interested. The Kejibi threw great parties and it had been a while since they'd had anything to celebrate.

"No but it's an excellent suggestion. I know, when Koto gets out of the hospital we'll throw a party for her!"

"We still have to find a house, G." Bradley stated.

"Killjoy."

"Not at all, just practical."

"No, you are a grade A buzzkill. Speaking of which, Naruto there's something we've been wanting to ask you."

"Huh? What is it?"

"Well, why do you live in that depressingly crappy apartment building? I mean, we only lived there because there wasn't anywhere else we could afford, but you're a ninja. Don't you get discounts on housing or something?" At this the blonde looked sad.

"It's not that I can't afford to move, but the places I can afford to stay at won't let me."

"Does it have something to do with why some of the villagers seem to treat you like you have the plague?" Gina asked, frowning. Naruto looked away. "That's another thing that was ticking us off too. Why the hell do they do that? I mean, they do it to us because we're foreigners and Bradley looks and smells like a dog…"

"Hey…" Bradley interjected. Gina ignored him.

"…and because we stick up for you when they start talking shit. It's not right, Naruto. You're only twelve for Chrissakes. There isn't anything you could have possibly done to make them treat you so badly!"

"I…"Naruto mumbled. "Don't worry about it Gina-neesan. It doesn't bother me anymore."

"Yeah, well it bothers me and if you were to ask Kotorra she'd probably tell you the same thing." Seeing the distressed expression on Naruto's face, Gina took a deep breath and calmed down. "Listen, you don't have to tell us if you don't want to. You're entitled to your secrets and it was rude of me to pry…"

"Wow Gina actually apologized for being boorish! I need to mark this day in my calendar…" Bradley said. Gina glared at him.

"Would you shut up, I'm trying to apologize!" she turned back to Naruto. "Anyway Naruto, you're like family to us and no matter what anyone else says we'll stick by you."

"Thanks Gina-neesan." The blonde smiled.

"Besides, if those jackoffs won't let you stay at a decent place you should stay with us. Of course, you'll probably have to put up with Asshat…" she trailed off. Naruto's face was lit up with hope, longing, and a little fear.

"Do you really mean that?"

"When have I ever said anything that wasn't insulting that I didn't mean?"

"THANK YOU!" Naruto glomped her.

"Hey, don't thank me yet, we still have to find a place!" laughed Gina.

"Get a room you two." Bradley said, amused. Naruto and Gina hit him. "Ow! Hey, you're going to give me brain damage at this rate!"

It wasn't long before the trio exhausted all the available houses in the newspaper. It was quite vexing, there wasn't a single place that met every criterion that Kotorra had set. They were about to give up hope when the solution practically ran them over.

"Konohamaru, we've got to stop meeting like this." Sighed Naruto, as Moegi and Udon caught up to their overzealous friend. "If you're going to ask to play we don't really have time right now."

"Why not?" whined Konohamaru. "This is the first day off we've had in a long while and we want to play ninja with you!"

"A ninja playing ninja…" blinked Bradley. Naruto made a face but said nothing.

"Sorry Konohamaru." Gina said. "But until we can't play until we find a house we can buy."

"Maybe we can help." Moegi piped up.

"Well…I don't know…"

"Hey, hey! Don't count us out! We know every vacant building in Konoha! Just tell us what you're looking for and I'm sure we can show you a place." Konohamaru said, confidently.

"Oh, why the hell not, it's not like we're having any luck on our own, despite having the world's biggest big luck charm."

"Eh?" boggled Naruto and the children.

"She means, Naruto." Bradley explained.

"I'm a good luck charm?" Naruto looked confused.

"Well, only when we're playing Poker it seems. Anyway, we're wasting time just standing around here, lead the way Konohamaru."

"You got it!" grinned the brown-haired boy. "Konohamaru Corps! Away!"

Sasuke stared at the stark walls of what had been his prison for the last three days or so (he was starting to have trouble keeping track of the time) and was beginning to wonder if he was ever going to get out of there.

He had been told nothing except that he'd lost control of himself and the curse seal Orochimaru gave him managed to overpower the containment seal Jiraiya had used on it. So now he was being locked up in a sealed room with no windows until Jiraiya returned and they could re-seal the mark. At least the bed was comfortable but the ANBU who came in to give him food and escort him to the bathroom never spoke to him.

He sighed loudly and started counting the tiles on the floor…again.

"One, two, three, four…"

"_Psst…Sasuke!_"

"I was beginning to wonder when I'd start hearing voices." Sasuke thought darkly.

"_I heard that. You know, I'm a little insulted that I amount to nothing more than a psychotic delusion to you._" Sasuke recognized the voice now, it was Kotorra.

"_Most people would be flattered that I'd even entertain the thought of them actually existing at all, delusion or not._" He replied, secretly relieved that he finally had someone to talk to. While in the room , Nemesis' presence was completely suppressed. Even if he was annoyingly single-minded, the abrasive persona would've at least provided a distraction from the endless quiet in the room.

"_You mean Ino and Sakura would be flattered. I don't care one way or the other, but I'm cooped up in a hospital bed with no one to talk to and I'm bored._"

"_You're still in the hospital?_"

"_Yeah. Tsunade-sama says it's fatigue; used up too much energy getting out of my own head. Which reminds me, how the heck did you get out anyway?_" Sasuke replied that he didn't know and it probably wasn't important anyway.

The two continued to chat amicably until the ANBU came to bring Sasuke his dinner. Before Kotorra severed the connection she asked Sasuke if he knew how to play Six Degrees of Separation. When the boy answered in the negative, she promised to teach him when they next spoke tomorrow, but in exchange he had to teach her something.

"_Teach you something? Like what?_" Sasuke asked, confused.

"_You think of something. It will give you something to do instead of sitting around like a lump._"


	49. Chapter 46

There was going to be a spoiler here for chapter 382 of the manga but I decided against it. I will say this, I'm glad Jiraiya hadn't been eating takoyaki.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Konohamaru and his friends led the trio of teenagers passed the Uchiha district and to an out of the way path that lead into the thick trees near the Hokage Mountain.

"I found this place running from Ebisu-sensei; even he didn't know it was here." Said Konohamaru. "When I told grandpa about it he said it was here before the village was built."

"If that's the case, this place must be really rundown." Gina sighed.

"Well, not really. The last person who lived there left Konoha a few years before the Kyuubi attack, it's only a little overgrown. See."

"A_little_ overgrown? Konohamaru if it weren't for the roof I'd never know there was a house in there at all!"

From what little of the exterior they could see, it was a two storey stone structure with arched windows. The door was solid wood. The exact size of the building was difficult to determine as large trees had almost completely enveloped the structure save for, as Gina had pointed out, the roof.

"Can we even get inside?" wondered Naruto.

"Of course!" said Konohamaru adamantly, leading the way.

One of the first things they noticed was the high ceiling and the way their footsteps echoed as they walked on the hardwood floors. The windows were in desperate need of cleaning and there was a thick layer of dust over the sparse furniture.

Konohamaru and his friends gave them a tour. First of the basement, which was much larger than the foundation of the house; something Bradley and Gina found strange but didn't mention it as this was actually to their advantage. The first floor had a large living area, a study, two bedrooms, bathroom, a storage closet, the dining room, kitchen, and the pantry. Upstairs were three more bedrooms and bathrooms, another storage closet, and a door that was stuck.

"This door's always been locked." Udon said. "We even tried kicking it down but it's too heavy for us."

"Oh yeah, let me try it!" Naruto declared. "RRRRAAAAGHH!"

BAM! Despite the rather powerful kick the door didn't even shudder.

"What the…"

"That's one heavy door." Said Bradley.

"Well let's see it stand up to this!" growled Naruto, creating a kage bunshin followed by a rasengan and slammed the bright blue ball of chakra into the door. Predictably there was an explosion; unpredictably Naruto had been sent rocketing backward and the door was still intact.

"Okay, what the hell is going on?" glared Gina. "That jutsu usually decimates anything in its way, what's so special about this door?" She walked over to it and knocked and suddenly jumped back in surprise.

"What's wrong?" Bradley asked.

"This isn't wood it's some kind of metal painted to look like wood; thick as hell too, there's no echo."

"Naruto's jutsu still should have made a dent at least though. I wonder what kind of metal repels chakra."

"We'll figure that out after we get the door open." Gina said, running her hands over its surface. "It doesn't appear to have any hinges so maybe it slides open."

At the hospital, Kotorra was being examined once again by Tsunade, only this time she'd brought a Hyuuga with her.

"Are we done yet?" muttered the Wild Card, fidgeting under Tsunade's medical ninjutsu.

"Just one more test." Said the Godaime, taking a metal cube out of her pocket and handing it to the girl. "Transform that, into something."

"Anything in particular?" asked the patient. Tsunade shrugged. "Okay…" She focused on the cube noting that it was probably used as a paperweight. Her whole body glowed purple, and the cube immediately lost substance, becoming what appeared to be a dense cloud of dust. Then, in a flash of light, Kotorra was holding a windup toy soldier. She handed it to the Godaime who looked at it bemusedly before turning to the Hyuuga in the room.

"Well?"

"I still couldn't see what she did. There was no chakra involved at all." Said the Hyuuga. "Also her inner coil system is unchanged from the report you showed me."

"I see. And how do you feel Kotorra?"

"I'm a little tired, but otherwise I feel fine."

"Well it seems you're getting better and we can say with absolute certainty that you've suffered no adverse affects from your little adventure. I'd say we can let you out of here in a day or two. Provided you don't try another one of your crazy stunts." Kotorra looked suitably abashed. "In the meantime get some rest."

"Um, Tsunade-sama…"

"Yes?"

"When I get out of here, is it all right if I my friends, Naruto and Sakura see Sasuke. He's bored in that confinement room and I think some human contact would do him some good. Mental conversation is fine and all, but actually seeing a friendly face is better."

"While I can probably think of some excuse for Sakura and Naruto to see him I'd never be able to explain to the council why I let three civilians in."

"Just as long as somebody gets to visit I don't mind."

Kabuto rolled up his sleeves and sighed. He'd done all he could but in the end, his efforts had been futile. He wasn't too upset about it though, they'd gotten some valuable information from the experiment. The problems, he surmised, had most likely occurred because they had used revived corpses; and not the original bodies to boot. He needed live test subjects with bloodlines, the problem now was where to get them. It was time to do a little spying.

Several hours had passed since they'd first tried to open the door and they'd had no success, so they decided to leave it alone for the time being and check out the attic.

Predictably it was full of dust and cobwebs and Bradley sneezed violently the whole time they were up there. The only things in there were boxes of books, and old furniture. Finding nothing particularly interesting, they returned to the strange door. It was then that Moegi made an observation.

"Doesn't the top of the door look weird to you?" she asked. "Like, there's something sticking out of it?"

The others squinted, trying to see what she was talking about. Tentatively, Naruto reached up and brushed the top of the doorframe with this hands, surprised to discover that it wasn't a smooth as it looked. He pressed at the indentation he felt and everyone jumped back when the door slid to the side, revealing a staircase. Seeing no reason not to, they followed them.

"Woah!" exclaimed the Konohamaru Corp., the sentiment mirrored on the faces of the teenagers in front of them.

The stairs had led up to the roof, which apparently wasn't a single roof but four sections that hid the area they were standing in from view. Looking upward, the canopy created by the surrounding trees was decorated with various hanging plants and flowering vines. There was a section in the centre of the canopy that was thinner. It had probably been kept trimmed back to give the person who had lived here an unobstructed view of the sky.

"This is awesome!" cheered Gina. "This is it! This is the place!"

"See! What did I tell ya!" Konohamaru boasted. Gina grabbed him and pulled him into a literal bonecrushing hug. "Agghh…" she immediately released him.

"Whoops! Sorry Konohamaru!"


	50. Chapter 47

Do you guys realize that I've been writing this story for almost two years? Sheesh…

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Bradley was vaguely reminded of sitting inside the principal's office giving reports on misbehaving students. All that was missing was the school uniforms and Gina and Kotorra. Kotorra wasn't going to be released from the hospital until tomorrow and Gina said she needed some down time. That left him with the task of filing the paperwork for the house at the Housing Bureau.

The man he'd been sent to was going over every document attached to the house, making sure there were no problems with this sale going through. Occasionally he'd get up to check a huge ledger-like book before going back to the stack of papers at his desk. After an hour of this, he beamed at Bradley.

"Well Davis-san, it seems that everything is in order and there are no legal precedents impeding your purchase of the house."

"Great!"

"All you have to do is sign these papers here, I'll take them to be notarized and you'll be all set to move in after you make the initial deposit on the property."

"Actually," Bradley smiled. "I'll be paying the full price up front…in cash." The clerk's jaw dropped.

The dog-hybrid walked out of the office ten minutes later whistling happily. The clerk, after counting and inspecting all the money, had practically fallen over himself thanking him for his business.

"Hmm…what should I do next?" he wondered aloud. GROOWWWLL. His stomach provided him with the solution. "Lunch time!"

Gina hummed to herself as she tidied up the restaurant. They were still closed but that was no excuse not to keep the place clean. Despite her somewhat flighty nature and deceptively carefree attitude, cleaning was something she enjoyed doing; mostly because it reminded her of her mother.

Truthfully she didn't remember her mother very well. She was seven years old when her mother died from Degos disease (1) and her only real memory of her mother was of them cleaning the house together on Saturdays. Her father and sisters always seemed to have somewhere else to be when it came time to clean and so it would just be Gina and her mother. Gina loved those moments because it was the only time she had her mother's attention all to herself; no older sisters to take away mother's attention…

Gina sighed as she put the broom away. She missed her sisters now. Ava, the eldest, was thirteen years older than her; an artist who married a tennis player; Josette who designed clothes and used to use Gina as her dressmaker's dummy sometimes; and Roxanne who played the xylophone in an orchestra. She felt the tears welling up in the corner of her eyes and mentally scolded herself. Dwelling on the past was not how she planned on spending the day.

"Ugh, all that cleaning has me all sweaty. I think I'll go take a dip in the onsen while I decide what to do with myself."

"_So Sasuke…_"

Kotorra and Sasuke were having another one of their sessions. Kotorra had taught Sasuke how to play Six Degrees of Separation and now Sasuke was teaching her what he knew about chakra.

"…_has anyone ever tried to artificially create chakra?_"

"_Not that I know about._" Sasuke replied. "_What would be the point in that?_"

"_Okay, from what you've told me you can use chakra for both offensive and defensive purposes, right? Well if you could artificially generate chakra, you could theoretically use it to create barriers, as a weapon, heck even as a power source for machines. The possibilities are endless!_"

"_Provided that it's even possible._"

"_Of course it's possible. Anything's possible given the right conditions._"

"_But you can't use chakra so how would you even go about artificially generating it?"_

"_It's enough that I know what it is, what it does, and how it's normally generated._" Kotorra stated. "_People have created greater things through trial, error, and dumb luck why would this be any different?_"

It was dark outside but that was fine. He could not take any chances of being seen, especially since the village was still very much on high alert. There was no helping it though, there were things that he needed to know in order for him to continue with Orochimaru's work. The first thing he needed to do was find out where _that_ girl was being kept. After all, you can't kidnap someone when you don't know where they are.

Unfortunately information on that level was always kept under heavy guard. Obtaining it would be dangerous; but if being a spy wasn't easy then anybody could do it. If this venture didn't work out, he would have to go with his contingency plan.

First things first, he needed a disguise and quickly. Too many people were aware that Yakushi Kabuto is a spy and it would not do for him to be recognized by the Konoha-nin.

_This chapter is reaaaallly short. To make up for this there will be two omake chapters._

This is a real and rare disease.


	51. Fourth Omake: Double Feature

"Confused? Excellent! My devious plan begins to transpire!" –from Weapon Master

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
Omake Four –Sherlock Holmes / Clue Alternate Universe: A Side  
By Kaori

The cast of Where the Hell Are We Now is gathered in the living room of an old mansion. Shikamaru's body is laid out on the floor and he appears to be dead. Chouji, dressed in a chef's outfit, is sobbing uncontrollably on Ino who is dressed as a French Maid. Neji, dressed as the butler, stands stoically by the window; every once in a while he'd glance at Kotorra, who had Faust on her shoulder and was dressed in a falconer's outfit.

Kiba, Bradley, Hinata, and Shino were dressed as musicians, while TenTen, Sasuke, Lee, and Sakura were in formal party clothes. Gina was dressed as Sherlock Holmes and Naruto as Dr. Watson.

"Since it's obvious that Neji killed Shimamaru I'll dispense with the lengthy villain's exposition and just arrest him right now." Said Gina.

"What do you mean it's obvious that I killed Shikamaru?" Neji demanded hotly. "I didn't kill him!" The older girl rolled her eyes.

"Of course you did, the butler always does it."

"That's absurd! I don't even have a reason to kill him! Uchiha maybe, but not Shikamaru!"

"Oh! So you were plotting to kill Mr. Uchiha but ended up offing Mr. Nara instead! Just as I thought!"

"Er…Miss Gina…" Naruto interrupted. "wasn't Neji in the bedroom with TenTen when the murder took place?"

"Yes."

"And wasn't Shikamaru killed in the ballroom?"

"Yes."

"And isn't the bedroom on the other side of the house?"

"Yes….Oh, I see your point. I retract my earlier accusation!"

"Um…if you don't mind my asking, why were Neji and TenTen in the bedroom?" Hinata ventured.

Both young people turned an interesting shade of vermillion.

"Aaah, young love!" sighed Sakura, causing the couple to blush even more.

"Forget them! What about poor Shikmaru!" wailed Chouji.

"Yes, what about Shikamaru…KOTORRA!" pointed Gina. Faust flew over and bit her finger. "YEEOUCH!"

"I didn't kill him you idiot, I was outside the whole time." Deadpanned Kotorra. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"You have no idea who killed Shikamaru, do you?"

"Not as such, but if I keep on accusing people eventually I'll get it right!" Gina smiled vapidly. Simultaneous Takahashi Falldown (1).

A deep yawn drew everyone's attention to the floor, where Shikamaru was sitting up rubbing his eyes.

"Holy shit he's alive!" blurted Kiba.

"What's everyone staring at?" blinked Shikamaru.

"As I thought!" exclaimed Gina.

"Liar." Deadpanned Naruto.

"Well, since there's been no murder we can continue on with the party!" she hurriedly opened the door to the hallway. "AAAAAGHH!" She's suddenly stabbed by a mysterious figure and drops down dead.

Nobody says anything for a while and then…

"Right, let's continue on with the party." Said Shikamaru. "Music!" Kiba, Bradley, Hinata, and Shino start playing "The Wiener Schnitzel Waltz" as Neji and Ino hurriedly carry Gina's body away. Shrugging, the room's other occupants started dancing.

---Flipside no Jutsu!---

Omake Four –Sherlock Holmes / Clue Alternate Universe: B Side

Same scene as before with several alterations.

Sasuke is dead on the floor, Sakura is crying on Lee's shoulder while Lee awkwardly pats her on the back. This time, Kiba is the butler and Naruto has taken his place as a musician; Neji is now dressed as Dr. Watson, Kotorra is Sherlock Holmes, and instead of the falconer's outfit Gina is dressed as a groundskeeper.

Kotorra absently poked Sasuke's body with her bubble pipe.

"Would you please stop doing that!" wailed Sakura. She was ignored.

"Hmm…he seems to have suffered a blow to the head." She went from poking his neck to poking his stomach. "But that obviously happened due to him collapsing from poisoning."

"Poision!" gasped Chouji. "Who would ruin food that way?"

"It wasn't in the food. Your meal was buffet style. Poisoning it would have killed everyone who ate it and made it obvious who the perpetrator was. Since you're all still alive, it's apparent that he was poisoned by other means…" her eyes drifted to where Naruto was standing.

"Hey! What's with that look?"

"Well, it's common knowledge that you constantly threatened Sasuke's life in public…"

"What! Are you saying I killed him?"

"No, just that you're a suspect." Kotorra replied, calmly. "However, if you want to know who really did this to Sasuke I'm getting to that…" her eyes drifted to Kiba.

"What? Don't tell me I'm a suspect, too?" glared the scruffy young man.

"Well, it's no secret that you dislike your employer almost as much as Naruto does, and that you had the best opportunity to kill him. Not to mention that you _are_ the butler and "everyone" knows the butler is always the guilty party."

"Well everybody is wrong."

"Obviously otherwise I would've arrested you by now."

"Is that the same for the rest of us?" asked Lee. Kotorra nodded. "So, wait, does that mean the murderer is still out there?"

"No, because there is no murderer, Sasuke's suffering from an acute case of lead poisoning. The bottle of wine he was so selfishly drinking from is very old. So old in fact that the bottle is made out of pewter. He's only been rendered catatonic and should be waking up right about…" Sasuke gave a groan. "now. Neji, attend to the affluent idiot will you? And will somebody get me some bubble solution?"

Not to be confused with a facefault this is when anime characters fall down rigidly after someone says or does something completely ridiculous. Named after Rumiko Takahashi as she is the most prominent user of this visual gag.


	52. Chapter 48

Sorry this took so long, but I haven't been myself lately.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

They made a strange parade as they proceeded down the streets of Konohagakure no Sato: an oversized St. Bernard pulling a wheelchair with a brown-skinned girl in it, another less dark-skinned girl walking next to it.

"I can friggin' walk you know." Groused Kotorra as she was wheeled down the street.

"Oh really?" Gina said, amused.

"Ya really!"

"No way (1) am I letting you out of that chair, Hokage-sama would murder me."

Kotorra had been released from the hospital this morning and the Hokage gave strict orders that she was to refrain from strenuous activity for the next few days. Since their new house was some distance away from the hospital, Tsunade had forced the girl into a wheelchair.

"_I'm_ going to murder you if you guys don't let me get up and walk!"

"_Sorry, nothing doing._" Bradley's amused voice sounded in their heads. "_I guess we'll just have to be murdered and you'll have to cry over our graves._"

"You mean cardboard box."

"_Cheapo!_"

"Be thankful I even considered putting you in a box at all."

"I don't know why you're complaining, I'd kill for a chance to be pulled around in a chair all the time." Gina drawled.

"I am not an invalid." Kotorra protested.

"_And you're in the chair to make sure you don't become one. Now stop complaining and enjoy the ride_."

"Yeah, we're not going to haul your butt around forever you know." Agreed Gina.

"Like I even want you hauling me around now!" glared Kotorra, before letting out an annoyed puff of air. She normally wasn't this openly agitated but showing vulnerability when it doesn't work to your advantage was against everything she'd been taught. "And where are we going anyway, this isn't the way to the apartment."

"Oh, we won't be going back to the apartment anyway. We've already started moving into the new house. Right now though, we're going to the restaurant. Naruto and the others wanted to throw you a "getting out of the hospital" party and who were we to say no?" This actually cheered Kotorra up a little.

"All right! Real food for a change!"

"_Surely the hospital food wasn't that bad._" Snorted Bradley.

"No it was worse. Everything either tasted like cardboard or looked like tapioca."

Unnoticed by the trio, an old man watched them go with more interest than the other spectators had been showing. A small smile graced his face as he observed them before he walked into a nearby alley and disappeared.

Fast forward ten minutes and Kotorra is still in the wheelchair, only now she's at the restaurant and been placed at the front of the room with Bradley standing on her left and Gina on her right.

"Good Lord it's a scene from The Godfather…" muttered Kotorra.

"Admit it, you're enjoying this." Gina grinned.

"Maybe a little. By the way, who made the food?"

"Hinata cooked though it's hard to understand how she got anything done with Naruto assisting her in the kitchen. I thought she was going to faint at least a dozen times. She was so red!"

"Man, I'd pay good money to watch that!" whined Kotorra. "It must've been so cute!"

"What was even cuter was Naruto constantly checking her for a fever."

"Damn…we've got to get Hinata to cook for him at his apartment before we move!"

"Yes! They are so cute together I can hardly stand it!"

"Women are scary." Muttered Bradley. "For the love of God, they're only twelve!"

Both girls ceased their plotting for a moment and looked at each other solemnly.

"He's right." Kotorra acquiesced.

"So what? That doesn't mean we can't keep setting them up for the true love that is just waiting to bloom for them!" Gina held her hand in a fist in a pose similar to Lee's determined one. "It is destiny! I have declared it!"

"I take it back, women are horrifying." Bradley cowered.

"WAAACHOO!" sneezed Naruto.

"Hey, be careful!" Sakura scolded him. "You'll get germs all over the food!"

"Sorry Sakura-chan, but I can't help it!" sniffed the blonde boy. "Somebody must be talking about me"

Elsewhere in the village, an old man was casually leafing through a book in the Konoha library. Truthfully, he wasn't even reading the words, it was just a ruse to justify his being there. He was beginning to come to the end of the tome when a lanky, disheveled-looking chuunin walked into the library. After making small talk with the librarian, he walked over to a shelf, picked up a book, and then sat down behind the old man.

"Where?" the old man asked simply.

"I left it in practice area fifty." Whispered the chuunin.

"And you are certain that the information is correct?"

"Hai. It was not easy but I managed to follow the jounin that used to train her to the place the Kurama heir (2) is being kept. I must warn you, it is under heavy ANBU guard. Getting in will be difficult, but getting out with the girl will be almost impossible."

"You needn't concern yourself. Your part in this is over. In the meantime, I suggest you refrain from any more…activity until you receive instructions to the contrary. We don't want you to draw any suspicion on yourself."

"Hai, Kabuto-san."

The party was long since over and now the Kejibi and Naruto were settling in to their new dwelling. Granted they still had to move out a lot of the old furniture (there were some pieces that everyone agreed were worth keeping) and clean the place, but that could all wait until tomorrow.

Naruto stared out at the window of his new room and sighed happily. He'd specifically chosen this room because it was facing the Hokage Monument. Granted he couldn't see the faces because of all the trees in the area, but knowing it was there and so close was all that mattered. He yawned, and decided that he should probably go to sleep now. There was going to be a lot of work to do in the morning, especially since Kotorra wasn't well enough to help out much.

Morning came quickly and after going out for a hearty breakfast, as the kitchen at the house was dirty and the appliances were outdated, Kotorra stayed in her bedroom out of the way of Naruto, Gina, and Bradley as they (with the help of Naruto's kage bunshin) made the house more livable.

It took the whole day but they managed to get the place look like people actually lived there. Gina was especially pleased with what she had done, having cleaned the kitchen, dining room, pantry, and study by herself.

"All right, phase one completed." She smiled, running a hand through her disheveled hair.

"What do you mean "phase one"?" asked Naruto, who was lying on the floor spread-eagle and looking for all the world like he just finished fighting a dozen Lees.

"Are you kidding? There's still work to be done! We have to update the kitchen, renovate the bathrooms, buy new furniture for the study and bedrooms, oh, and this dreary wallpaper has _got_ to go!" she continued to rattle off home improvement ideas and the blonde genin groaned. Bradley shook his head.

"I said it before, I'll say it again: women are scary."

1) Oh rly? Ya rly. No wai!! (snicker)

2) Kurama Yakumo is a character from Season 8 of the anime (which most people didn't watch because it was filler and, with regard to the manga, didn't happen anyway).


	53. Chapter 49

I had the weirdest dream last night. It started with Neji yelling at Naruto for cheering for Hinata during the Chuunin preliminaries and suddenly turned into the entire cast of Naruto doing the full cheer routine from the Lucky Star anime. Damn that would be a demented cosplay skit…

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"No, no, no! The couch goes over _there_ and the ottoman goes over _here_!" Gina pouted. Neji and Kiba rolled their eyes but did as they were told.

Naruto had quite adamantly argued against solely using his kagebunshins to do the work; especially since he was beginning to discover the hidden drawback / benefit of the technique: anything the clones do he gets memories of once they've been dispelled plus the feelings of pain and exhaustion.

Unable to change his mind on the matter, the Kejibi had no choice but to shell out money to hire the other genin to assist.

Lee seemed to be the only one who didn't mind, seeing as he saw everything as an opportunity to train. Case in point, he was single-handedly moving the new stove into the kitchen.

"If I cannot get this stove into the kitchen in the next two minutes," he panted. "I will move all the furniture into the study by myself!"

"That kid's a maniac…" muttered Bradley, as he and Chouji put down the new carpet in the guest bedroom.

While all this activity was going on downstairs, Kotorra decided that she'd best stay out of everyone's way seeing as she wasn't able to help. She was just going to sit in her room and look through the applications for the restaurant, but was startled by the sound of the intersteller communicator beeping.

In all honesty she'd completely forgotten about thething, especially with all that business with Sasuke. Gingerly she picked it up and put it on.

"Is anybody there?" a male voice she didn't recognize (not that she expected to) asked in flawless Takisian. This was even more of a surprise. Cautiously, she answered.

"Yes, who is this and from where are you hailing?"

"Oh, how fortuitous!" bubbled the voice. "I wasn't certain I had the correct frequency. My name is Rillarian brant Hurapath sek Aracor sek Naleth sek…"

"Look, why don't I just call you "Rillarian" it'll save time." Sighed Kotorra. Even after all this time, Takisians still had such ridiculously cumbersome names. Although he was a lot more excitable than any Takisian she'd met. Then again she'd only ever met one other…

"Err…yes. I suppose that would. And what should I call you?" he asked. She thought about telling him to call her by her old callsign but thought better of it.

"For now you can call me Lady K. And you still haven't told me where you are transmitting from, although I'll hazard a guess and say a Takisian ship."

"That is correct." Rillarian acknowledged. "Have you met a Takisian before."

"I used to work with one, a long time ago. You're trying my patience Rilliarian, why have you contacted me and how did you even know to try this communication channel?"

"I believe that is best explained from the beginning…"

And he told her how after she had gotten into contact with the Laraxians, they had informed the Galactic Tribunal that there was a human on Earth with the capability to contact space cruisers.

"They were quite surprised as none of you have ever possessed the technology and of the few non-Earthlings that were living on your planet that did, all but one left your planet before the disaster that befell it. Which begs the question of how you know what you do."

"Tell you what, I'll answer that question if you answer one of mine first." She stated. "How long ago was this "disaster" you mentioned?"

"Let's see, I'd say that was a little over a thousand of your planet's years."

Kotorra felt like her heart stopped. When she'd recovered her wits she said, "I was part of The Network." Apparently her reply was just as shocking to him as his had been to her. And she said as much.

"You_are_ human, are you not?" Rillarian sounded confused. "Wait a moment, The Enhancer! Were you exposed to it? Is that how you managed to live so long?"

"Answering your questions in order: yes and no. My presence here now is due to an accident of which I am uncertain of the specifics but somehow threw myself and two of my friends forward in time." _Far forward in time_. She thought to herself. "I was born some sixty-six years after your people's original experiment on my planet."

"Ah that would mean that you are one of the first hyper-sapiens."

"Hyper-sapiens?"

"Yes. Your Wild Card is part of your DNA, yes?" asked the Takisian.

"Correct."

"You were born with the virus, the first generation was not, and the second generation passed on a less virulent strain with fewer and fewer jokers being born with horrendous defects, and far fewer people dying from awakening the virus. Your generation was the beginning of what would become a glorious age in your planet's history."

"So what happened? If everything was so great how did it all end up like… this?"

Rillarian was quiet for a few moments.

"_She_ returned."

Kotorra blinked. "She"? Kotorra racked her brain for a few moments. In her lifetime the only serious threat to the entire planet during her lifetime was…

"The Swarm Mother…" she whispered, shivering.

Ignorant of the conversation upstairs, the genins, Gina, and Bradley continued to work. Lee had eventually managed to get the stove into the kitchen (albeit not before his self-imposed time limit) and was now removing the old furniture out of the study making sure to be especially careful with the desk; Kotorra really wanted to keep it much to the puzzlement of the assembled ninja.

"Ugh, I never want to see wallpaper for the rest of my life." Complained Sakura. Ino nodded her agreement.

"Too bad," Gina jeered from where she was fixing cracks in the walls with her power. She had found mending stone was a lot easier than trying to shape it. "We're going to need someone to help us put in the new wallpaper tomorrow."

"To hell with that!" chorused the girls.

A bell rang in the hallway, signaling someone was at the door.

"I'll get it!" yelled Naruto, eager to get away from carrying furniture outside for a little bit.

"They told me I'd find you here." Said the person at the door.

"ERO-SENNIN! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?" roared Naruto, jumping on the much taller man, knocking him to the ground. He then proceeded to beat the sennin about the head with his fists while yelling at him to go help Sasuke.

Hearing all the commotion, Bradley came to the door and asked Jiraiya if he'd seen Tsunade yet. When the older man answered to the negative, the male joker immediately turned into a Shiba inu and chased the poor man towards the Hokage Tower; growling and snapping at his posterior the entire way. Naruto was about to go after them but was stopped by Shino's hand on his shoulder.

"Naruto," he said. "we are not finished here yet."

The blonde groaned; Shino was quite possibly the sixth most annoying person he knew. Right after Ino and before Shikamaru.

On the other side of the village, a seemingly deserted mansion sat. The sole inhabitant and her guards were blissfully unaware of the person approaching the building until it was far too late to stop him.

Kabuto had retained his disguise as it would serve to confuse anyone who may pursue him once he'd captured the girl. Getting into the mansion was a simple matter of utilizing information his current enemies were unaware he had.

As the ANBU guarding the premises were under the (false) presumption that no one outside of the village or the Kurama clan knew about the secret escape tunnels, they had no reason to guard them. More fool them. Of course, now he had to make sure they didn't see him as he prowled the building looking for Yakumo.

Said girl was asleep when Kabuto finally did find her and he ensured she stayed that way until he was able to get her to Otogakure.

Unfortunately, one of the guards had decided to check on her and sounded the alarm. All stealth pointless now, he dashed for the heavily draped windows, broke the glass, and jumped; the ANBU hot on his heels.

Kurenai was leaving a bar when an ANBU suddenly appeared in front of her.

"Yuuhi-san, Yakumo-san has been kidnapped." He said, not wasting any time with a greeting. Red eyes widened.

"What? When?"

"Ten minutes ago. I was told to find you. Her kidnapper is an elderly man who appears to have had significant shinobi training. They are heading for the border."

Without another word, she sped off.

"_Hang on, Yakumo. This, at least, I can save you from._"

_Next chapter the chase is on! Bradley and Sasuke face Nemesis! Gina tortures the genin! And the origin of the biju! _


	54. Chapter 50

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

The landscape scrolled by rapidly but still not fast enough as Kabuto tried to put distance between himself and Konoha. He knew he was being pursued. It would be folly to think otherwise. Stopping to set traps would only further retard his progress and time was something he could not afford to waste.

Five minutes behind him and closing in, Yuuhi Kurenai, Sarutobi Asuma, and Maito Gai were hot on the trail of the kidnapped heiress unaware of who they were chasing. The only information they had to go on was that he had kidnapped Kurama Yakumo and was heading for the border between Hi no Kuni and Kusa no Kuni.

Kurenai wasn't certain whether her two companions were aware of the dire consequences that could potentially befall the village, and possibly the world, should the kidnapper manage to escape with Yakumo; especially in the girl's present state. With that unhappy thought, she willed herself to move faster.

As one chase was beginning another was coming to its end as Jirairya and Bradley arrived at the place where Sasuke was being held. Bradley was back his semi-human form panting heavily. Jiraiya may have been more than three times his age, but he was still a ninja in every respect. After seeing the Hokage, and her punching Jiraiya through two walls, they made haste to the facility where Sasuke was being kept.

"You all right kid?" the with haired man asked. Bradley waved a hand at him, not certain he could speak without wheezing.

After the teenager had caught his breath, the two of them entered the building where two ANBU (after verifying Jiraiya's identity and the older sannin insisting the wild card accompany him) escorted them both to Sasuke's cell.

Surprisingly, Sasuke seemed almost relieved to see Bradley and Jiraiya; standing up quickly when he met their eyes outside the room. The toad sennin wasted no time checking over Sasuke's curse mark, and quickly escorting the boy to another room.

"Why are we in here?" Bradley asked, as Jiraiya told Sasuke sit down in the middle of the room.

"The cell he was being kept in has a large suppression seal etched into the walls and reinforced by chakra. Even I can't seal anything properly in there." Jiraiya replied, preparing the ink and brush. As he drew the seals on he said, "Now Sasuke, I'm going to be using a different seal than last time and this is going to be very painful."

"If it will get me out of here I don't care." Grunted Sasuke.

"All right. Bradley-kun I'll need you to anchor him." Said the sennin. Bradley nodded, sitting behind Sasuke and wrapping his arms around the younger boy's chest.

"Ready." Said the dog-boy.

Sasuke tensed as Jiraiya did a series of handsigns, several of which he did not recognize and was certain he wouldn't be able to remember anyway. Then the white-haired man placed two fingers on his curse mark and then all the world was pain.

Back in Kotorra's room, the newly dubbed hyper-sapien listened to the tale of how the world came to be as it is now.

Two hundred years had passed since the Swarm Mother first threatened and been turned away from the world. Two hundred years since the Wild Card named Mai merged with the Mother, creating something new. The being that was once nothing more than a hungry beast, knowing nothing but the need to feed and spawn more of her kind, became something different. She had thoughts, she knew of consequences, and she knew what life really was. Everyone had thought that would be the end of it and they were right. However, everything that has life eventually dies. The Swarm Mother's lifespan was long but not infinite and she eventually passed on.

A new Mother took her place. This one also had a mind, but was a selfish, vain thing caring only for herself and her Swarmlings. When this one arrived at Earth there was no Mai to force a change so the humans tried to fight back through other means.

Days turned into months, months turned into years, years turned into decades and there seemed to be no end in sight as the Mother and her Swarmlings attacked. Beings who knew of Earth refused to lend aid, fearing that the Mother's sights would be set on them next. Only the Network was willing to lend assistance; hating the Swarm Mother above all other things.

Everything seemed hopeless until, one day two Jokers were discovered with a power similar to Mai's during a battle against a large group of Swarmlings. While they could not merge with the Mother like Mai did, they could change her genetic structure. With the assistance of the Network, who would serve as a distraction, they geared up for a last ditch attack on the Swarm Mother.

Their plan worked to a degree. The Swarm Mother was transformed into pure energy and contained inside a statue. Unfortunately none of the Network agents survived.

For a thousand years she remained contained, but slowly, the energy began to escape. This signaled the birth of the first of the beings to be called by the name biju.

"I see…" murmured Kotorra. "Since energy can't be destroyed only transformed, they couldn't kill the biju so they had to reseal them. My question is, why not just seal them back into the statue?"

"So much time had passed since the biju started appearing I suppose there was no one who remembered where that statue is anymore." Rillarian said. "By now I would imagine the statue has been destroyed."

"Hmm…I wonder…"

Downstairs…

"Tote that barge! Lift that bale! Slackers will _not_ be fed!" Gina was standing on the staircase chanting and barking orders. Faust was perched on her shoulder looking for all the world like he belonged there. "Oi! Jebus! Quit lying on the floor! The couch isn't _that_ heavy! I dragged it in the living room to make it easier for you guys to get it out not so you could show me how wimpy you are!" Neji groaned in response. "Sakura! Even strokes with that brush! I don't want to see any air pockets or lumps under that wallpaper!" Sakura glared and threw a roll of wallpaper at her. "Don't you sass me I'm paying _and_ feeding you!"

"Is it just me, or is Gina-san on an ego trip?" Kiba whispered to Hinata. The bluenette nodded.

"Is that dissent I hear?" Gina suddenly appeared behind Kiba. Kiba eyes widened and he shook his head furiously. "Then get back to work! The sooner you all get done the sooner we can all eat! Kotorra promised she'd make lasagna if we finish everything today! Do any of you realize how long it's been since I've had lasagna?" she was starting to look a little crazed now.

"What's a lasagna?" wondered TenTen.

"Whatever it is I bet it's delicious." Chouji giggled disturbingly. "I want to taste it…" he got a mad gleam in his eyes that Shikamaru and Ino groaned at.

"Great. Now he's "motivated"." Said Ino.

"COME ON EVERYBODY LET'S HURRY! THE SOONER WE FINISH THE SOONER WE CAN HAVE LASAGNA!"

"YOSH! MY YOUTHFUL FLAMES HAVE BEEN REIGNITED!" Lee cried, jumping up from where he had been lying on the floor.

"Oh great, not him too…." Muttered TenTen.

"COME MY COMRADES! LET US COMPLETE THIS TASK SO THAT WE MAY PARTAKE OF THIS NEW, FABULOUS CUISINE!"

"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!" Gina cheered.

They were starting to catch up. There were three people pursuing him now. With four miles between himself and the border (where his fellow Oto-nin were waiting), it looked like he would have to stand and fight. Resigning himself, Kabuto started slowing his pace in preparation for the fight to come.

This did not go unnoticed by the Konoha-nin and they were on the alert.

"He's noticed that we've caught up." Gai commented.

"I doubt he's given up though." Asuma said.

"Whether he's given up or not is irrelevant. Our mission is the same." Kurenai's expression brooked no argument. Not like her two companions were going to make one anyway.

The trail stopped in a thick outcropping of trees.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are…" murmured Asuma. He dodged to the right, narrowly missing getting a nasty shave from a kunai. "Wiseass…"

"I'll flush him out." Kurenai said, but before she could form any handseals kunai rained out of the foliage.

"An ambush?" yelled Asuma.

"No, I only sense two people. The kidnapper must have set this up before we got here." Growled the kunoichi. "Show yourself you coward!"

"Yare-yare, name-calling isn't very nice. Where are your manners, kunoichi-san?" a voice sang from the trees.

"Why don't you come out here and I'll show them to you."

"I would but then you'd take my little playmate away and all of my hard work will be for nothing."

"I can't figure out where he's hiding." Asuma whispered. "We'll have to split up. First one to find him give a shout." Gai and Kurenai nodded and the trio vanished into the trees.

Bradley suppressed a moan as he awoke in complete darkness. "Oooww…I don't think I was supposed to feel that…" he grumbled as he stood up. "And I get the feeling I'm not in Konoha anymore."

"Funny, I was expecting Interloper to be here but instead it's her lapdog."

"Ah, you must be Nemesis. Koto told me a lot about you." He sniffed the air, and was unsurprised when he couldn't smell anything. "So if you're here then I must be inside Sasuke's mind. Where is he?"

"Around, but I'm afraid I can't have you looking for him."

And as if it wasn't dark enough in the room already, sinister shadows of an even darker hue pulled themselves free of the darkness and surrounded the lone wild card.

"And the day started out so well too…" mumbled Bradley, shifting into the form of an English Mastiff and bracing himself.

Sasuke was having problems of his own. He awoke not knowing where he was at first, but after spotting Nemesis leering at him from a corner, he had a pretty damn good idea of what was happening. He tried to move, but discovered he was being restrained, by snakes no less.

"Let me go!" he demanded.

"I think not." Said Nemesis, walking over to him. "I grow tired of your weakness. It seems you have forgotten what you are meant to do. Have you forgotten what Itachi did? I think you have. Perhaps you need a reminder…" The darkness in the room receded, and once again, Sasuke was at the Uchiha mansion, reliving _that_ day.

Jiraiya was worried when the seal pulsed, but when both boys slumped forward he knew something had gone wrong. Unsure of what was happening, he did the only thing he could do: picked up both boys and rushed them to Tsunade. The Hokage's reaction…

"Not this shit again…" She ordered Jiraiya to lay the boys down on the couches and then get her a bottle of sake while they waited. "If we're lucky, nothing will get destroyed." At Jiraiya's quizzical look she said. "I'll explain everything once you bring the sake. Trust me, we're going to need it."

Gina knocked on the door to Kotorra's room. They hadn't heard one peep from the tall girl all day and she wanted to make sure that the developing ace hadn't snuck out the window out of boredom.

"It's open." Kotorra said from inside the room. Gina opened the door.

"Hey girly girl, just checking up on you." She cocked her head to the side. "What's going on? You look like you've something on your mind." Kotorra gave her friend a wan smile.

"At 1,016 years old I think I have the right to have a lot on my mind."

"Say what?"

_Okay this chapter is getting long in the tooth. We shall adjourn for now and continue at the next update. Make sure to study up because there will be a test at the end of the lecture…Er, wait, that's not right…_


	55. Chapter 51

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"There's no way in hell we're that old!" yelled Gina.

"No, we're older. I was being generous. From what Rillarian told me I'd have to guess that we're about 2,216 years old, give or take a couple of decades." Shrugged Kotorra.

"_Who_ is Rillarian and how _exactly_ did you come up with an estimate like that?" Gina's right eyebrow was twitching and Kotorra suppressed the urge to laugh at her.

"Oh G, G, G I just had the most _in_teresting conversation with the most inquisitive little man I've ever met…" And she started telling her best friend what she had learned.

Despite the news Gina wasn't nearly as agitated as Bradley was at the moment. He was surrounded by the shadow creatures and being overwhelmed by their numbers. Fighting on multiple fronts was something he'd never been particularly good at. So he did the only thing one can do in such a predicament…run like hell.

"This puts a whole new meaning to "running through your mind all night"." He grunted, before changing into a Chihuahua to further elude capture. "Sasuke where are you? I swear if you're not a vegetable by the time I find you, I'm going to make you wish you were…"

Face set in a grimace, willing himself not to cry out, Sasuke faced the horror of his memories once more; Nemesis' voice echoed loudly in his ears even though he couldn't see him.

"**Do you remember? Do you remember what he showed you that night?**

Once more Itachi was before him, his parents' corpses the only thing between them as they faced each other. The Mangekyo Sharingan spun and the vision began. Sasuke tried to shut his eyes but found he could not.

"**One by one they all fell…**"

The sound of metal rending flesh and lifeless bodies hitting the ground. Panic and screaming as one by one the Uchiha clan was cut down by Itachi. Blood flowed from the rapidly cooling corpses and coated the streets a thick crimson.

"**He slaughtered them all without hesitation…**"

Itachi silently beheading his cousins. Itachi unflinchingly running his kinsmen through.

"**His reason? He wanted to test himself!**"

The murderer approaching. Sasuke fleeing for his life.

"**He killed them! He took them away from you!**"

Flashes of his mother and father's faces before Itachi killed them both.

"**They never saw how you graduated at the top of your class. They never got to hear about your mission to Nami no Kuni. All because of **_**him**_"

Itachi's face as the day they fought at the hotel.

"_Sasuke!_"

He knew that voice. That was Kotorra. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see her, Bradley, and Naruto about to rush forward but the vision was suddenly cut off.

"It's _those_ fools who are making you weaker! Filling your head with nonsense…"

"It…is not nonsense." Sasuke rasped out, finally finding the strength to speak.

"What was that?"hissed Nemesis.

"You heard me. They're not making me weak…it's you!"

Nemesis' face curled into a murderous sneer.

"Care to test that theory of yours?' he growled.

Kurenai scanned the forest, watching for the slightest hint as to where her opponent was hiding. A flash of metal out of the corner of her eye and she tilted her head away just in time to avoid the literal hole in the head she didn't need.

"Konoha-nins! Come out to play-i-ay!" (1) taunted her quarry. "Oh, but wait; you can't seem to find me. All right, I'll be "it"." And it was all Kurenai could do to get out of the way as the ground rumbled and stalagmites (2) erupted from the earth.

Gai had problems of a different sort. While he had no trouble dealing with normal traps, the one he was currently dealing with had eight layers; four of them were linked to each other and the last four were linked to the original four in such a way that even if he managed to disable one set, he'd end up triggering all the others.

"The question here is, what am I willing to subject myself to?" muttered Gai.

Asuma's luck was no better, having run into the kidnapper himself, and the old man (or so he perceived his target to be) was not only tricky, but fast. Twice he thought he'd caught the bastard and twice he'd almost ended up missing a limb.

As for Kabuto, he was already moving forward. The animated corpses the jounins were currently facing would be ample distraction as he made his getaway with the Kurama girl. By the time they realized what had happened, he'd be long gone.

Sasuke was livid. Glaring down at his doppelganger his only desire was to get free of his restraints so he could throttle the annoying being. He was getting really tired of being reminded of the past. He could remember well enough on his own damn it! Yes he was an avenger, yes his brother was a murdering bastard that needed to die, and yes there was the fact that he didn't seem to be getting any stronger. But right now, all he cared about was shutting Nemesis up.

"UUUUURRRRRRRAAAAAAA!" Sasuke let out an unearthly yell, ripped himself from his confines, and leapt onto the startled Nemesis; punching his "twin" repeatedly in the face until the other being threw him off.

Sasuke rolled to his feet and got into a basic defensive stance allowing himself to sidestep Nemesis' kick and throw the other boy off balance, then delivering a vicious downward elbow to his back. Undeterred, Nemesis rolled over and tripped Sasuke.

"I was hoping you would see things my way…" Nemesis hissed, eyes becoming yellow and reptilian. "But if you won't come to me willingly I will have to make you!" And in the blink of an eye Sasuke was looking at a face he hadn't seen since that fateful day during the Chuunin exams…

"Orochimaru…"

_Cliffhanger no jutsu!_

1) Couldn't resist a The Warriors reference.

2) Can you get stalagmites outside of a cave? Ah well, the imagery works so what do I care?


	56. Chapter 52

Four fires in one week…sheesh. At this rate I'll never get the smell of smoke out of my clothes.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Kurenai was livid. Not only had she been tricked but by the time she had figured out that figure she'd been chasing was nothing more than an elaborate marionette. Asuma and Gai hadn't felt any better about it either, but they didn't have the extra guilt of failing to protect their student.

She remembered the day Sandaime had told her she could no longer train Yakumo in the art of genjutsu, as the girl's powers were becoming far too dangerous and she would eventually lose control. Eventually, she was forced to seal Yakumo's abilities in order to save the girl from killing herself and others. Yakumo'd hated her for it, having never been told the reason behind her forced removal from the shinobi world; Kurenai would never tell her.

A squad of ANBU had been dispatched immediately after Kurenai and her team returned. That didn't make her feel any better. It should be her out there. Yakumo was her responsibility goddammit.

But no, she was here sitting on a bench after being told in no uncertain terms that she was not to leave the village until further notice.

Her internal rant was cut off by someone's hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see Asuma; a wan smile on his face.

"Mind if I sit down?" he asked. She shrugged and moved over.

They spent the rest of the afternoon just sitting on the bench looking at nothing in particular; neither saying a word.

He was horrified to find that he couldn't move. He was mad as hell, staring into the eyes of the man who'd been mindfucking him since the Chuunin Exam, and he could…not…move!

"There's no need to look at me like that. You brought this on yourself." Sneered Orochimaru's aspect. "And really, you should be pleased. After all, you are going to be a part of something much greater."

"I'd sooner die!" ground out Sasuke. Orochimaru shrugs.

"If you prefer." And he started to move towards the hapless Uchiha. As he was about to embrace the boy a horrible, primal howl gave him pause.

Sasuke, on the other hand, suddenly found the strength to move, surging forward and landing a kick to the snake sennin's face.

A thunderous galloping noise, and a shadowy figure knocking Orochimaru over before coming to rest next Sasuke; the Uchiha looked to his side to see what appeared to be a werewolf.

"Bradley?" Sasuke asked warily.

"It sure as hell ain't Kiba." Grinned the other boy. Sasuke grinned back.

"How did you escape the nightmare creatures?" the sennin's aspect demanded. "They should have consumed you!"

"Yeah well, I consumed them instead. By the way Sasuke, your bad dreams taste nasty."

"Hn. It's too crowded in here, wanna help me make some room?"

"Gladly." And they both charged forward.

Orochimaru side-stepped them both, predicting that the two would run into each other. Sasuke managed to move with him, and Bradley executed a neat pivot once he reached the spot where Orochimaru had been, effectively putting himself next to Sasuke.

Now Orochimaru was facing both boys head on. Sasuke attacked him openly while Bradley kept watching for moments when the older man was off-balance, or had left himself open. It seemed that the boys would win but…

"HUUURRRRRAAAAAAARRRGGGHH!" a sudden shockwave of dark energy pulsed out from the snake sennin's spirit and flung them backwards. "I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED BY CHILDREN!" His lower body twisted and stretched until it transformed into that of a serpent. Orochimaru twisted around and knocked both boys away with his long whip of a tail.

Forty miles out of Konoha, Kabuto finally stopped outside one of Orochimaru's many hidden strongholds. Good thing too, the Kurama heir was starting to wake up; he'd need to re-administer the anasthetic. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a vial and a syringe. It wouldn't do for Yakumo to wake up now; not while she still had a mind of her own.

"Dammit, I hate reptiles." Muttered Bradley, as he dodged the snake's tail and flanked Sasuke. "I'm going to distract him, you've got to find some way to get rid of him."

"Got any suggestions?" Sasuke hissed, twisting away from a vicious tail swipe from Orochimaru.

"Yeah, do it fast. I don't know how much more stress our minds can take."

Out in the waking world, the two sennin were frantically trying to figure out what the hell was happening inside Sasuke's head.

Tsunade had quickly surmised that Bradley was suffering the same out of body experience Sasuke had been when the Uchiha was in Kotorra's head, and Sasuke was dealing with the mental strain of housing an additional mind as well as the physical stress of Orochimaru's seal. Jiraiya then pointed out that Sasuke was further disadvantaged by the fact that the seal manifested itself as a separate consciousness so it was more like he was housing two extra minds.

Now Sasuke was thrashing around wildly and the containment seal around Orochimaru's curse mark was glowing an angry crimson. There was no telling how much more of this the boy could take. Worse, Bradley was in danger of losing himself in Sasuke's mind.

Fortunately for them, Naruto chose to make an entrance; or rather a kage bunshin did…

The original blinked stupidly for a few minutes as the clone he'd sent to find out what was taking Bradley and Jiraiya so long was forcibly dispelled. Jiraiya needn't have hit _that_ hard.

"What happened? Didja get paint up your nose or something?" Kiba asked.

"No, Sasuke and Bradley are in trouble." Frowned Naruto. This got everyone's attention.

Kotorra and Gina were very surprised when the Sakura, Naruto, and Ino barged into Kotorra's room. The genins were all talking at once and neither of the older girls could understand a word they were saying.

"Okay, you and you," Kotorra pointed at Sakura and Ino. "shut up. Now what's all the brouhaha for Naruto?"

"Tsuande-baachan wants Gina to come to her office. Bradley's stuck in Sasuke's head and something really bad is happening!" Not needing to be told twice, Gina ran out the door leaving Kotorra to deal with the concerned genins.

_The mind games continue next chapter!_


	57. Chapter 53

I swear if one of my co-workers tells me I sound like a white girl _one_ more time…

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"Would you all stop yelling, you're giving me a fucking migraine." Growled Kotorra. Truthfully most of the migraine was being caused by trying to focus on two scenes at once, but she wasn't about to tell them that.

"I can understand Hokage-sama sent for _you_, but why would she ask for Gina of all people?" Ino decided to get one more jab in.

"Mendokuse." Sighed Shikamaru. "Kotorra-san is in no condition to be running about and Gina-san isn't quite as stupid as she acts. Hokage-sama probably sent for Gina because Kotorra can work through her since she can't go herself."

"Give the kid a prize." Muttered Kotorra.

"How's she going to do that?" asked Kiba. Kotorra mentally slapped her forehead (accidentally mentally slapping Gina's forehead and earning a retaliatory mental slap upside the head), Team 8 was still in the dark about the Borgfish so she explained it quickly for the benefit of the ignorant. "COOL! Can I have one?"

"Me too!" piped up Lee.

"Nobody's getting a BorgFish. Me and Gina and Bradley only have them because we can't understand a word you say otherwise, being able to communicate telepathically is a bonus but it has some rather…upsetting side effects."

"So why does Sasuke-teme have one?" pouted Naruto.

"Because he's an Asshat."

"Oh."

While this was going on, Gina was speeding towards the Hokage Tower as fast as her admittedly short legs could carry her; trying very hard to ignore the half double vision she was experiencing. Thankfully, she didn't live too far away from her destination. As she approached the Tower, she could see Jiraiya waving at her frantically so she headed in his direction.

Jiraiya, not offering any explanation and truthfully not needing to give one, grabbed Gina about the waist and then jumped up to Tsunade's office window. Once inside, he dropped his passenger on the floor.

"What the crap?" blinked Gina.

Tsunade was desperately trying to keep both boys stable using medical ninjutsu, however it wasn't doing much. Bradley wouldn't stay stable for more than fifteen seconds at a time, and just when it seemed she was getting somewhere with Sasuke he'd abruptly relapse into his previous condition. Suffice it to say, the Godaime Hokage was relieved to see the young Joker-girl arrive.

"You!" she barked, panic in her voice. "I know you three can talk to each other telepathically! Ask Kotorra how to fix this! She's the only one with any real clue about it."

"Er...right." nodded Gina, closing her eyes to block out the frenetic scene in front of her. "_Koto what the hell do we __**do**__? I hope you've got an idea 'cause I sure as hell don't._"

Kotorra's answer was something that Gina wasn't expecting. One moment she was standing in the Hokage's Office with her eyes closed, the next she was sitting on the bed in Kotorra's bedroom; the genin's were looking at her oddly.

"Kotorra-neesan? Are you all right?" Naruto asked. "You tapped the side of your head and then kinda fell over."

Gina slowly lowered her eyes to stare at the sheets, then reached up the back of her shirt to feel...smooth skin. No pebbles. Eyes widening she ran to the mirror and looked. Kotorra's face was staring back at her.

"KYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

In the Hokage's office, Kotorra was silently congratulating herself as she didn't think her spur of the moment plan would actually have worked. She had been given the technical specs a long (very very long) time ago that went behind a device that made a copy of a person's mind and downloaded it to another Network agent while working in a hostile environment. It was mostly used for espionage operations but there were diplomatic applications for it as well (mostly when there were rumours of assassination plots). While she was waiting for Gina to give her the go-ahead, she made a modification to her BorgFish (momentarily surprised at how easy it was now) and took that technology to its inevitable next step; she swapped bodies with Gina.

"Okay." She said, getting used to the idea of hearing her words in Gina's voice. "I'm going to try something that's a little crazy but hopefully it'll work and we can avoid a repeat of what happened to me last time this occurred." That last comment confused the two sennin and Kotorra found herself elaborating. "Right, sorry, I've kind of kicked Gina out of her body for a while, she's using mine and is probably ranting about it right now."

"K...Kotorra?" Jiraiya stammered. "How?"

"I'll explain later. Right now I've got a rescue mission on my hands." She lay down on the floor. "Bradley'll be pretty confused so let him know what I'm up to, okay?"

"Just what _are_ you up to?" Tsunade asked.

"I'm going in there!" and that was all the warning they got before Gina's body jerked violently twice.

The body sat up, looked around, looked at its hands, patted itself all over and fainted.

Sasuke can't remember being more confused in his life. One second, Bradley was by his side getting ready to charge Orochimaru again, then all of a sudden Kotorra appears and says "Tag out!" and seems to _shove_ Bradley out of the mindscape. Orochimaru, not caring about the turn of events, took this opportunity to bring his enormous tail down on her. However, it just went right through her, as if she was made of nothing more than mist and fog.

"Sasuke," she said urgently. "I'm here to help."

"INTERLOPER..." growled Orochimaru. "you dare appear here? Don't you know I am strongest in this place? That idiot boy has no power here, just a sad illusion of it. Had he listened to me, he'd know what it feels like to be truly strong!"

"No, he'd only know what it's like to be truly enslaved. You're a chain but I'm going to break you!" She stared into Sasuke's eyes and the Uchiha stared back. "I can help you but only if you let me. Do you trust me?"

He nodded. He was unsure about what was going on, but he was certain about that. Kotorra, like Kakashi, like Sakura, like Naruto, was someone he could trust to help him.

"Then let me borrow you for a bit." She held out her hand and he took it.

And he was suddenly lying on a couch in a body that he realized, was bigger than what he was used to. Also, the backs of his hands were furry and there was something moving behind him. He turned to look but couldn't quite see it.

For twenty seconds, Tsunade and Jiraiya were treated to the sight of Uchiha Sasuke in Bradley Davis' body, chasing his tail before the boy accidently knocked himself out on the arm of the couch.

Kotorra was now alone in Sasuke's mind with Orochimaru's essence. Strangely enough this didn't frighten her as much as she thought it should.

The snake sennin's aspect was seething. Sasuke had slipped out of his grasp once again; and with his mind no longer inhabiting his body, Orochimaru's tenuous grip on Sasuke was significantly weaker. The eyes of the monster snake narrowed on the girl before him. She would pay dearly for this insult. He would not be denied any longer!

"You know," Kotorra said, conversationally. "I used to wonder why I was chosen to be trained as a Master Trader." Slowly she walked over to where Sasuke had been standing. "I'm not a brawler like Gina and Bradley, back then I couldn't use my powers like they could, and I'm no good at close combat and my mid range and distance fighting are average and that's when I have a weapon. I only had three things going for me at the time: I learn quickly, I can keep my cool in a bad situation, and I'm better than average at analyzing. I guess you could say that my strength is in my mind." Orochimaru snarled, but suddenly found he could not move.

"What is this?" he sputtered, feeling himself diminish.

"Oh, that." She said casually, further drawing the being's anger and summarily ignoring it. "I may be young but I have more knowledge crammed into my head than most libraries. Master Trader candidates have to know quite a lot and the Network has some very interesting methods of getting it into your head very quickly. Most of it is completely unusable except under specific conditions, I won't bore you with the details, but one of the things I've learned is what to do when your mind is invaded by a hostile force."

"This is NOT your mind!" raged Orochimaru, who was rapidly regressing to a more human shape. "It is Sasuke's! Return him at once!"

"No, I don't think I'll do that. Besides, Sasuke has entrusted his mind and body to me for the time being and I intend to keep it safe from conniving snakes like you."

"You think you can stop me?" he was now back to looking like Sasuke. "You've never bothered to do it before."

"No, I know I can." She raised her right index finger. "I didn't have the means to stop you before but now I do; and I'll only need one finger to do it."

"RRRAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!" the doppelganger surged forward.

Quick as a thought, she moved out of the way just enough so that he'd go right passed her if she let him. Instead she tapped him on the back, quickly tapping herself on the side of her head. And the world was suddenly condensed into microseconds.

Bradley's body was the first stop on a jaunt that, if timed, took a fraction of a second. Sasuke was abruptly poked in the chest in the dog-hybrid's mindscape, and awakened in his own body. Bradley was roughly kicked back to his own when they barged him on him in Gina's mind; looking for embarrassing memories. Finally Gina was thrown, still ranting back into her own body.

Kotorra was now back in her own head with Sasuke's evil doppelganger (who looked jetlagged) in tow. Not allowing herself to let her own dizziness hinder her, she created a metal box around her "guest".

"You've caused quite a bit of trouble, but no more." She rasped, willing the box to abruptly shrink, crushing the thing inside. A satisfied smile inched across her face as she allowed herself to return to the conscious world.

A gasp of breath was the only sound that entered the dark room. Orochimaru glared into the gloom, eyes narrowed in anger. He couldn't feel Sasuke anymore, which meant somehow, someone had done away with his curse mark. How? He _must_ know. The curse seal was his most perfect creation to date and if whoever was able to remove it must have some great power indeed.

Hesitant knocking at his chamber door interrupted his thoughts.

"What is it?"

"Orochimaru-sama," Ah, that was Karin. "Kabuto-san has returned. His mission was successful."

Orochimaru smiled. He could overlook the matter of the curse seal completely if this new project yielded good results.

_Another exhausting chapter out of the way. I think I need an omake after this, don't you?_


	58. Chapter 54

"Now I know what you're thinkin'...so stop it and pay attention to the story! Sickos..." – Wisdom Tooth, Chowder

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

He woke up with a severe headache and a strange craving for...he wasn't sure what the name of it was but it was some kind of sandwich he was sure he'd never seen before and had no real reason to be wanting now. At any rate, it hurt too much to move or open his eyes, so he simply lay there and waited for the inevitable voices of whoever else was in the room with him.

"Hey, geezers, he's awake."

That was Gina.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A GEEZER?"

And those would be the outraged cries of Jiraiya and Tsunade. Wonderful, he'd got senile in stereo...

"You're old, get over it."

Surprisingly that was Bradley. Odd, the guy was never outright rude to his elders... But then again, he sound like he was in pain, so he probably had a headache too.

"Why you little..." Tsunade growled. This was sounding like it was going to get ugly so he gave a little cough. "This isn't over you two..." Footsteps and a cool hand on his forehead. "How are you feeling Sasuke?"

"My head hurts and I'm hungry." He said, flatly, cracking his eyes open.

"Well, both conditions are easily fixed, but I'd better give you a quick examination just to be sure." There was a pause as Tsunade looked him over, and then a sharp gasp when she was examining his neck.

"What's wrong?" Sasuke asked, fearing the worst.

"It's gone!"

"What's gone?"

"The curse mark, it's gone. No trace of it, not even a scar!"

"WHAT?" exclaimed Jiraiya, rushing over and painfully craning Sasuke's neck to the left so he could presumably get a better look. "How?"

"Do you mind?" Sasuke ground out, very uncomfortable in his present posture. Jiraiya relinquished his grip on his neck, but kept a hand on the young Uchiha's shoulder.

"All right, I want to know what happened right now."

"The last thing I remember was being manhandled by Kotorra."

"Ditto." Gina chimed in.

"Me too." Shrugged Bradley.

"Call Kotorra in, she probably has an explanation for this." Sighed the Godaime. "Whenever something completely abnormal happens she's usually the person to ask."

"Can we at least have some aspirin first?"

Kotetsu and Izumo were sent to fetch the erstwhile Network Agent and actually ran into her halfway to the Tower accompanied by Naruto and Sakura. Apparently the elder teenager knew the Hokage would probably want to see her after a stunt like that and had left the house immediately after taking a couple of aspirin and telling the young group of ninja to go home.

Sakura, Naruto, Ino, Kiba, and Lee wanted answers. Kiba and Lee were easily dragged off by Shino, Neji and Tenten respectively. Ino had to be forcibly removed by Chouji and Shikamaru (which they got an earful for the entire time), thus leaving Kotorra stuck with the remaining two genin.

Seeing that they'd come along no matter what she said, she let them tag along; besides, who was she to say that they couldn't see their teammate?

When they opened the door to the Hokage's office, Gina was sitting in a chair next to Sasuke. Bradley had changed himself into a King Charles spaniel and was asleep in Gina's lap. Tsunade was sitting behind her desk and looked irritated; that may or may not have been because Jiraiya was standing left, and a little behind her which gave him a very good view of her cleavage.

"Sasuke! Are you all right?" Sakura asked frantically, causing said boy to wince.

"Sakura, keep your voice down." Sasuke groaned. "The aspirin hasn't kicked in yet."

"You got here pretty fast." Jiraiya stated flatly.

"I was on my way here. I figured you'd have questions." Kotorra said, sitting down next to Gina as Sakura took the chair next to Sasuke. Naruto, instead of sitting next to Sakura, chose to perch on the windowsill.

"Damn straight we do." Jiraiya frowned, walking over to Sasuke and exposing his neck once more and pointing to the place where the curse seal used to be. "Explain this."

"Ah, I didn't expect the mark to go away too...interesting."

"And just what were you expecting to happen?"

"I wasn't expecting anything, I had no idea what was going to happen. Hell, I wasn't even sure I was going to be able to do any of that at all!"

"Any of what, Kotorra." Said Tsunade, still looking perturbed. "You're not making any sense."

So she took a deep breath and explained what had happened and what she had done and when she had finished the Hokage had a very strange look on her face, like she was contemplating something.

"So what you're saying is that you temporarily removed Sasuke from his own mind, siphoned off Orochimaru's evil chakra and destroyed it?" the Godaime mused aloud.

"Basically." Nodded Kotorra.

"How?"

"It's one of the first things I was taught." Sighed Kotorra. "It's a technique highly effective technique that is unfortunately only usable in your own head; which is why I needed to get that creep out of Sasuke first."

"So why didn't you do it before? You've had lots of opportunity." Jiraiya pointed out. "It would've saved us a hell of a lot of trouble too."

"I couldn't do it before. I didn't have any control over my powers then so I couldn't modify my BorgFish to enable me to switch minds with someone."

"All right, I can deal with that but how did you manage to get rid of Orochimaru's chakara?"

"The mind is a very powerful thing. Since I was essentially in control of Sasuke's body, I could pretty much do whatever I wanted. Since I was able to kick Bradley out I figured I could drag Orochimaru's chakra along with me. Wasn't sure that would work to be perfectly honest..."

"And after you did that you destroyed it using that technique you learned. What is it exactly? And why did you have to learn it?"

"It's part of Master Trader training." Gina answered before Kotorra could. "See, in the Network the most valuable currency is information and as a Master Trader you are entrusted with a lot of it. Secrets are especially valuable when you know them about the right people."

"Right." Kotorra nodded. "It was originally developed to guard against people with abilities like the Yamanaka." _Not to mention viral energy beasts that destroy your brain, and parasitic energy creatures who like to try out being physical entities and then find out how much they like it_...

"Is it possible for others to learn it, or is it only usable by people with your unique physiology?"

"Er, no...other people can learn it but it requires specific equipment and specially trained psychiatric staff."

"Psychiatric staff?"

"Yeah, there's a thirty percent chance of developing psychosis in the process. A kid who was doing the training with me suffered severe hallucinations and would only speak in rhyming couplets. They were able to fix the hallucinations but he would still occasionally start rhyming out of the blue. But that's neither here nor there. Is Sasuke curse free now or what?"

"It would appear so." Tsunade sighed. "However we'll take a wait and see approach with this. In the meantime go home, get something to eat, and get some rest."

"Best thing I've heard all day." Gina said.

_Coming up next is the omake chapter._


	59. Fifth Omake: Cooking with Kotorra

Where the Hell Are We Now!

Omake Chapter: Cooking with Kotorra  
By Kaori

The scene: Kotorra's kitchen at the Kejibi Mochikaeri. Kotorra, dressed in full chef's attire (toque, double-breasted jacket and all), smiles at the camera.

"Hi everyone! The authoress has decided to let me teach you all how to make two of her favourite easy-to-cook dishes: tuna fish burgers, and banana flambé! Assisting me today in the kitchen are Naruto and Sasuke. Say "hi" boys."

"Hi!"chirruped Naruto, his toque flopping over into his eyes.

"Hn." Sasuke grunted.

"So, we'll start with the tuna fish burgers." Kotorra clapped her hands, Naruto stayed at her side while Sasuke got out of the way. "You'll need one can of tuna, two slices of bread or one hamburger bun, and one egg for each burger you plan to make; cayenne pepper; tarragon; and oil. Kaori usually use wok oil because it gives the tuna in interesting flavour. You'll also need a decent frying pan, a bowl, and a spatula."

Naruto started opening the can of tuna while Kotorra cracked an egg into the bowl.

"We'll start out with one burger so you get the idea. First, scramble the egg and then put the drained tuna into the bowl. Mix them together and then add some tarragon and cayenne pepper. Mix it up again and then put it on the side." Naruto handed her the frying pan and she walked over to the stove. "Now, heat the frying pan on medium and pour a little oil into the frying pan. Not a lot, just enough to slightly cover the bottom. Naruto, the bowl please."

"Hai!" Naruto handed her the bowl with the tuna mix in it.

"Okay, drop the mixed tuna and egg into the frying pan and pat it into a hamburger-esque shape with the spatula. Cook it on one side long enough for the egg at the bottom to solidify. You'll know you've done it right when you can pick up the patty without it breaking up; about two minutes." She turned the tuna patty over. "Let it cook on the other side for about three minutes, or until you think it's cooked enough. Put it on the bun or between the bread and voila!" she picked up the patty with the spatula and put it between two slices of bread, then held it aloft for all to see. "Tuna fish burger! Just so you know, Kaori likes hers with cheese."

"Ne, ne, can I have a bite." Naruto asked.

"No! My sandwich! Go make your own!" barked Kotorra, threatening the blonde with a spatula. Naruto ran off to the other side of the kitchen to do just that. "Okay, I'm gonna put my sandwich down for now so we can get on with the other recipe. Sasuke, I need you!"

"I'll bet you do!" jeered a familiar voice. Kotorra scowled and threw a bottle of cooking wine off-camera. "OW!"

"Screw you Jiraiya!"

"Promise?" A cleaver was sent flying. "YIPE!"

Kotorra regained her composure as Sasuke joined her in the cooking area.

"Right then. If you're not allowed to handle matches or alcohol I suggest you ignore me and go find something else to do. For the rest of you, you'll need bananas, sugar, butter, and rum. You'll also need a frying pan big enough to hold all the bananas, a knife, a ladle, and some matches. Preferably, you should also have someone else with you. You'll see why in a few minutes." She got out two bananas and a knife. "First peel the bananas, cut them in half and set them aside."

Kotorra walked over to the stove carrying a frying pan. Sasuke followed, carrying the bag of sugar and a stick of butter.

"Next, heat the frying pan on medium heat, when it's good and hot, put in a tablespoon of butter for every banana you've peeled. So in our case, it's two tablespoons of butter." Grinned Kotorra. "Make sure the butter is completely melted, and add two teaspoons of sugar for every tablespoon of butter, which means..."

"Four teaspoons of sugar." Said Sasuke, putting in the requisite amount of sugar.

"Correct. Now, we stir it until it's blended and then put the bananas in. Let it cook for about two minutes and then remove it from the heat. And for the love of God, TURN DOWN THE STOVE!" she placed the frying on a cool burner and turned down the one she had been using. "Now as quick as you can, pour the rum into the ladle and heat it over the stove for thirty seconds. Here's where the other person comes in. Remove the ladle from the heat and have the other person light the rum on fire with a match!"

"I can't find the matches." Deadpanned Sasuke.

"WHAT! Crap...Quick! Use a fire jutsu! And if you burn me I'll chop you up and feed you to Naruto with ramen!"

"(sigh) Fine. Katon Ryuka no Jutsu!" a small jet of flame lit the rum in the ladle aflame.

"Excellent! Now, quickly pour the flaming rum over the bananas, give the pan a little shimmy like those chefs on TV do, and wait for the flames to die down. Now just place the bananas in a plate or over a cake and ice cream, or with cake and ice cream and pour the sauce from the pan over it." She presented her plate of flambed bananas. "A yummy treat that's so yummy sweet! Bon appétit!"

"Do you smell something burning?" asked Sasuke.

"Huh?" They both look off-camera where a very distinctive glow is visible.

"It's okay! I've got it under control!" Naruto's voice called, although you could hear the panic.

"Get the fire extinguisher, Sasuke." Sighed Kotorra. The Uchiha rolled his eyes.


	60. Chapter 55

Tomorrow's headline: Zombie tourists in the airport moaning for plaaaaaaanes.

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

Gina was awakened by the doorbell ringing and cursed Kotorra for installing it. Why the hell she even bothered making a doorbell was beyond the ken of the female joker. Passing the bedrooms on her way to the stairs, she couldn't help but smile as she heard Naruto mumbling in his sleep. As she muzzily made her way down the stairs she could hear the subject of her half-awake ire making breakfast. And judging from the smell it was a full-on breakfast bonanza, complete with pancakes and bacon. Well, she could forgive the transgression of the doorbell since there was going to be delicious food soon.

Ding, dong.

Of course, whoever was ringing the doorbell at the unholy hour (at least in her opinion) of seven-thirty in a.m. was going to face her stony wrath. She opened the door not caring she was still in her nightgown and that her hair was doing an excellent impression of a lion's mane (1).

Somehow, she couldn't even muster up the energy to look surprised to see Kakashi at the door.

"Are we too late for breakfast?" the jounin smiled. Sakura stepped out from behind him and waved.

Gina blinked once and then shut the door in their faces.

"I guess that means we're early!"

Sakura wasn't sure sometimes if her sensei was naturally irritating or if he was doing it on purpose.

Kotorra poked her head out the kitchen door when she heard the front door close and only one set of footsteps.

"Who was at the door?" she asked.

"A broom and a feather duster..." Gina muttered blearily, going back upstairs. "I'm gonna catch a shower."

Kotorra rolled her eyes and went to let Kakashi and Sakura in.

"You know..." Gina said conversationally as the Wild Cards and Team 7 partook of breakfast together. "I get the sneaking suspicion that you only come here for the free eats."

"Gina-chan, how can you say such a thing?" pouted Kakashi. "We come here because the free eats are delicious..."

"You cheap bastard!"

"...and because I wanted to see if the rumours were true and Sasuke is curse free."

"News travels fast." Bradley muttered around his buttered muffin.

"Indeed." Kotorra agreed. "Still didn't need to eat up all our food just to find that out though."

"Mm...pass the bacon." Said Kakashi.

Once breakfast was over and the dishes were put away, Team 7 was about to leave for training when Kotorra pulled Sasuke off to the side.

"What is it?" asked the boy.

"I'm going to need that back, seeing as you don't need us to watch you so closely anymore." Kotorra said.

It took Sasuke a few seconds to realize what she meant and he reflexively touched the small device behind his ear. In all honesty he had forgotten he had it on. When Kotorra pulled it off it felt like she had taken a small chunk of his brain along with it, and the pain was similar to having a dog take a bite out of your leg. To his credit, he only flinched slightly.

"And just to make sure nobody gets any funny ideas..." she closed her hand over the BorgFish for a moment and when she opened it again it had been transformed into a large metal broach which she attached to the front of the long-sleeved lab coat she had taken to wearing lately, effectively making it a cape when she removed her arms from the sleeves.

Sasuke took note of the design. It was a unicursal hexagram with a Gothic-style K in the middle; of course Sasuke didn't recognize either symbol and asked the older girl what it meant.

"I was given one of these on the sixth month of my training by my teacher." Kotorra said wistfully, idly wondering for a moment what had become of the original. "This," she traced the hexagram. "symbolizes a Master Trader (2), although if I actually was one this would be made out of Atlasium (3)."

"Atlasium?" Sasuke blinked.

"It's an incredibly expensive, ridiculously rare super-metal. If I had a piece as big as the nail on my pinkie toe I could buy Hi no Kuni five hundred times and still have enough money left to buy all of Sunagakure."

Sasuke's eyes got really wide at the thought of that much money.

"As for this," she pointed to the Gothic K. "It's the first letter in my name. Anyway, do you really have time to be asking me questions like this? Your team's already halfway down the path."

Predictably the Uchiha sprinted out the door.

"Now then, on to the business of the day." Kotorra said to herself. "Brad, G! Are you ready to go yet?"

Today was the day they would be interviewing candidates to work in the restaurant. They were looking to hire two cooks and a cashier. The delivery run, wait staff and dish duties would still be handled by Academy students since the Konohamaru Corps. seemed to be benefitting from the experience. The Kejibi would still handle the accounting, supply, and management of the restaurant.

Hiring the cashier was the simplest, so the trio did that first. The person they were looking for would naturally have to be able to do simple arithmetic, but also had to be mature, personable, and trustworthy.

A few of the interviewees were ninja dropouts that had recommendations from the Academy. Two Gina and Kotorra recognized as having worked at a restaurant they had been fired from. Most were the usual crowd of young people looking for work. However, they narrowed the list down to two fairly quickly:

Hatsume Chiaki, a dark-haired girl with gray eyes and a bright personality and a smile that was almost as wide as Naruto's. A civilian with a good head for numbers, she also was very good at memorizing names and faces; something that was very handy if you worked in a restaurant.

The other candidate was Giifu Enji, the somewhat short, dusty-brown haired man was actually an ex-ninja of sorts. His teammates had been killed during a mission gone wrong when he was a genin and he hadn't the heart to continue after that. Up until now he'd worked at the Academy in the administration department, but he was looking for a change of scenery.

Choosing between the two was very difficult, but in the end they went with Enji. He would be far less likely to give in to the whining of the Academy students when they came in to work, and would be less intimidated by some of the restaurant's rowdier customers.

For the hiring of the cooks, a less conventional method was being used. Two days ago, Kotorra had put in for a D-Rank mission at the Hokage Tower, but had specifically asked for Chouji, Hinata, and Ino. The reason for this was very simple:

Hinata, had worked in the restaurant before so she knew the standard of food that was expected. Other than Kotorra, she was the only one who knew the entire menu by heart as well as the preparation that went into each meal. She would be helping Kotorra judge on those points.

Ino would help judge the presentation. Since she worked at a flower shop she was especially sensitive to aesthetics.

Chouji, of course, would be tasting and judging every dish. The remainder of Team 8 would also be helping to taste the food and judge the quality. A mission they were all too happy to accept. Well, Kiba was openly happy while Shino simply nodded that he would do his part.

"This is the best D-Rank Mission EVER!" Chouji cheered between bites.

"It's definitely the easiest one I've ever had." Kiba agreed. Then he noticed that Shikamaru's plate only had little bites taken out of everything.

Ino shook her head at her teammates. She was thankful that she wasn't asked to taste test any of the food, her diet would go straight to hell and she'd never get Sasuke's attention.

Gina smiled happily at everything. It seemed things were finally getting back to what passed for normal around here.

1) This is the state of my hair in its natural state, which is why I usually keep it braided and in extensions. I can't afford to perm it every month so that I don't look like something out of The Lion King.

2) Creative license for Wild Cards on this one.

3) Atlasium is mine! (Get it, "mine")


	61. Chapter 56

"Stop calling me The Prince of Darkness, that's how rumours get started." Adrian Monk, "Monk"

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

When Naruto and Sasuke came home, Kotorra was in the living room going over the notes from the day's cooking trials.

"Hey guys." She said, not looking up from her papers. "Exciting day?"

"Hardly." Sasuke replied, sitting down in the recliner adjacent to the couch Kotorra was occupying. "We spent the entire day farming."

"Aw c'mon Sasuke," Naruto flopped down on the couch next to Kotorra. "it wasn't all bad. I mean, the farmer did give us that delicious dinner. By the way, we ran into Kiba and he told us about his mission. How come you didn't ask for us? We're way better than they are!"

"That may or may not be true, all I know is Kiba's nose is still more sensitive than yours, and Chouji can taste a grain of salt in a glass of water."

"What about Ino? What did she do?"

"She judged the presentation. "That girl knows her pretty" as my dad would say."

"Mmmgh..." Naruto pouted.

"Oh don't be like that. I'll make it up to you guys by asking for you specifically the next time I need help, okay?"

"Che, I won't help you for anything less than C-Rank." Snorted Sasuke.

"You'll take whatever I give you and like it. Now both of you go upstairs and get cleaned up, you reek of livestock."

"Kakashi-sensei's right, you _do_ sound like our mom." Naruto snickered. Kotorra threw a cushion at him as he and Sasuke headed upstairs.

Moonlight streamed through the window, illuminating the desk in the dim room. Orochimaru sat in front of it, scribbling notes into a scroll. Today was the first day of his experiment on Kurama Yakumo and he wanted to document every detail for future reference. If this process was successful he would be one step closer to his ultimate goal of immortality.

Today's work consisted mainly of a series of blood tests using the data they'd gathered using Kimimaro's blood and the other revived kekkei genkai wielders. Mainly, they took a blood sample from Yakumo and combined it with their captive blood-donor in an attempt to stabilize the unstable DNA of the latter prisoner. It was hoped that by tomorrow they'd have the base for a serum that would duplicate Yakumo's kekkei genkai, giving the person who was injected with it the ability to make genjutsu real.

The process had been hampered in part by the Idou monster that resides within Yakumo. Apparently the seal that had been placed on Yakumo to suppress both her powers and the beast had weakened to the point where the monster was influencing the girl much in the same way Shukkaku did to Gaara. However, strengthening the seal was a minor task for one such as Orochimaru and the rest of the procedure went along smoothly.

Tomorrow, the real work began: developing and testing the serum. Fortunately, he had plenty of guinea pigs.

Orochimaru put down the brush, his hand quivering too much from excitement to write anymore. A savage grin broke over his face before he broke out in unrestrained laughter.

Laughter was also heard within the walls of Konohagakure no Sato but for less sinister reasons. The infamous wall that Gina and Kotorra used to frequent was currently being occupied by Gina and Bradley who decided to hang out there after the interviews.

"Seriously though," giggled Gina. "we should teach Naruto "Do Me Baby" for the next time he uses Sexy no Jutsu on Jiraiya."

"I think," Bradley snickered. "that we'd have to tie Jiraiya up first to ensure he doesn't try anything. We don't want the poor kid to get molested after all."

"Not unless Hinata's the one doing the molesting."

"You're kidding right? Hinata's way too timid to do something like that."

"Heh, it's the shy ones you've got to watch out for trust me."

Bradley was about to retort when he caught sight of Jiraiya and Tsunade. He nudged Gina and pointed. "What do you suppose they're up to?"

"Dunno. Let's find out." And she hopped off the wall, Bradley behind her.

Following two experienced ninja would have been nigh impossible had these two been normal. Thankfully, being mostly dog comes in handy as Bradley was able to stay on their trail from thirty feet behind the older pair.

Tsunade and Jiraiya eventually led thm an old building near the warehouse quarter. Instead of going inside, they went around to the back. Cautiously, the two teenagers followed warily and were very surprised to find a small but elaborate garden.

There were fountains in each corner and in the centre was a large baobab tree. An abundance of jasmine gave the air a heady scent.

"...be perverted at a time like this?" they could hear Tsunade chastising her friend. Quickly they ducked behind the fountain closest to them and listened.

"Sorry, sorry. Just trying to relieve the tension a bit."

"More like trying to add to it. Anyway, what was so important that you had to drag me here of all places?"

"I wanted to make sure we were alone and we wouldn't be interrupted. The seals around this garden will alert us to any chakra entering the garden."

Bradley and Gina smiled at that. Sometimes being unable to produce chakra came in handy.

"As to why we're here." Jiraiya continued. "Akatsuki is on the move." Tsunade made a face. "I have it on good authority that they've taken up hunting down jinchuuriki again and it's only a matter of time before they come for Naruto."

Both Wild Cards went wide-eyed. They knew Akatsuki had been after the young blonde but never asked why. However, if they were only hunting for jinchuuriki that meant that the reason Itachi and his partner had come after Naruto all those months ago was because he had a demon sealed in him.

"**Unbelievable! Naruto's got a demon sealed inside him! Does he even know himself?**_**" **_Gina said to Bradley over their BorgFish link.

"**I should think so. We did ask him about it and he seemed very reluctant to answer. Understandable now that we know. It must have been rough for him, all those people glaring at him even though he's probably saving all their lives simply by existing.**" Was the male Joker's reply. "**Wait, didn't Jiraiya just say that Akatsuki is after jinchuuriki? That means Gaara is in danger too. He needs to be warned.**" Gina nodded her agreement.

"**Right, but let's see what else we can learn here first**."

Both sennin remained unaware that they were being observed as they continued to discuss young Uzumaki.

"What are you suggesting we do? Lock him away until we can defeat this menace?" Tsunade asked.

"No." Jiraiya replied. "I want to take him out of the village entirely. Train him so he can defend himself from them. Then there's the matter of Orochimaru. He's probably very much aware that Sasuke is no longer under his influence and will probably be looking for whoever is responsible."

"And we already know that he has a spy somewhere in this village." Tsunade rubbed her temples in frustration. "Why the hell did I take this job?"

"Because you're the only one qualified to do it. And you're doing just fine." Jiraiya said.

"You're just saying that because you don't want to be Hokage. But back to the problem at hand, until we root out the spy Sasuke, Gina, Kotorra, and Bradley are in danger from Orochimaru."

"I could take one of them with me and Naruto." Jiraiya suggested. "If we split them up it'll make them a lot harder to find."

"True. Bradley should go with you. I'm not stupid enough to let a young girl accompany you."

"You're so mean Tsu-hime! I would never touch a hair on their heads!"

"It's not the hairs on their heads I'm concerned about." Glared Tsunade. "I know you, you'll peek on any pretty young thing. Davis-san's going with you and that's that."

"Fine." Pouted Jiraiya. "But what about the other two and Uchiha?"

"Kakashi can keep an eye on Sasuke. And from what I hear, Kotorra's pretty good at keeping him in line so she can tag along with them. I'll send them on a little training trip as well. As for Gina, she seemed to enjoy Kaze no Kuni and is friends with the previous Kazekage's children so she can probably stay there for a while."

"Provided they agree to it." Jiraiya noted. "Sasuke's not a problem but those three may not want to be split up. We need to have an alternative solution for that scenario."

Gina and Bradley decided to make themselves scarce at that point, backing out of the garden slowly so as not to be heard.

"We've got some plans to make." Gina said. Bradley nodded his agreement. "I swear if it's not one thing it's another."

_Yeah, I'm not dead I just had a horrible case of writer's block...and it shows. Good Lord this is a crappy segue chapter. I'm ashamed I even posted it but I had to post something before everyone completely loses interest! Argh!! It sucks! It completely sucks! (_falls on the floor and starts a self-depriciating rant a la Death the Kid)


	62. Chapter 57

Pata pata pata PON!

Where the Hell Are We Now!

By Kaori

"GAAAAMMMMPPPH! MMMM MMMM MMMMNGHH!" Kotorra was rudely awakened by the feeling of something licking her face and a hand covering her mouth. She was rather annoyed to open her eyes and see Bradley who had transformed into a Saint Bernard, quite possibly the drooliest dog on the planet.

"Ssh." Gina warned from her left. Ah, so that was who had their hand on her mouth. Kotorra glared at her. "Sorry, but we don't want to wake Naruto and Sasuke up." The long-haired mulatto removed the offending appendage.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" hissed Kotorra.

"Yeah but this is important!" Bradley insisted, after returning to his usual form.

Kotorra listened as her two friends explained just what they had overheard and finding that she wasn't overly thrilled about it. After all, she was going to be separated from her two best friends for God knows how long. But on the upside, if those two were going to be travelling outside the village, it would be the perfect opportunity to learn more about the world as it stood now and quite possibly get some new "business" partners. She told them so.

"You do realize we're going to need a way to keep in contact with each other." Bradley said. "I mean, BorgFish is good and all, but having to shut your eyes to have a decent conversation is inconvenient."

"Not to mention the side effects from staying "connected" too long. I mean, I like you guys but I don't want to _be_ you guys." Gina added. "And you're the only one here that knows any mind shielding techniques, K."

"That problem has less to do with the device and more to do with how our brains work." Shrugged Kotorra. "As for the mind-shielding techniques they only work on memories, not personality traits otherwise I would have taught you two how to do it a long time ago." She gave a sigh. "But your right, the BorgFish isn't good for everyday use or long periods of time."

"What about another type of communicator." Bradley suggested. "Like an interociter (1)?"

"Too big."

"Ultrawave transmitter?"

"Too much power."

"Ionwave communicator?"

"Too little power."

"Olwithian relay?"

"Too iffy."

"Yz'mer tower?"

"I think people would notice a seventy-thousand foot pole."

"Tin-can phone?"

"Now you're just being silly."

"Banana phone?"

"Okay I take it back _now_ you're being silly." Kotorra shook her head. Bradley shrugged and grinned unapologetically.

"It's not like you can use any of that stuff here anyway." Gina pointed out. "Well, save the tin can phone of course... Anyway, I may have not been up on all the technological stuff, but I do remember that most of the communicators we used needed relay devices on planet. Even if we could find the ones that are still here I seriously doubt any of them work since they haven't been maintained in over a thousand years."

"You pick the weirdest times to make sense Gina." Sighed Bradley.

"It's the truth though." Kotorra groaned. "So it looks like we're back to double vision and bouts of identity crisis, lovely. Rrrgh, I can't think about this properly right now. I need more sleep. Hopefully we'll have time to talk about this in the morning."

In the morning....

"McArthur Park is melting in the dark! All the sweet green icing flowing down! Someone left a cake out in the rain! I don't think that I can take it! 'Cause it took so long to bake it! And I'll never have that recipe agaaaaaaiiin. Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! (2)"

FLUSH.

"EEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHH! SASUKE YOU BASTARD!" Naruto voice echoed through the house.

"SHUT UP! THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!" yelled Gina from her bedroom.

Bradley shook his head from where he was on the path outside, thankful that he'd decided to get up early and take a walk in the back woods before breakfast. There was quite a bit of wildlife back there, and he was surprised to find that most of the animals are incredibly nosy gossipmongers. So while he walked he listened.

Jiraiya's peeping exploits (and failures) were the latest source of entertainment for the frogs and toads that lived near the hot springs, Kiba and Akamaru's antics had most of the rabbits in need of therapy, several animals mentioned people sneaking about near the Kejibi's old residence as well as their present one, and the squirrels had apparently started worshipping Lee after the chuunin exams.

He didn't want to think about that last one too hard. Thankfully the smell of breakfast cooking distracted him from Lee-worshiping squirrel cultists.

"You're up early." Kotorra commented as the male joker took a seat at the dining table.

"I thought I'd take a walk through the woods." Shrugged Bradley, pouring himself a cup of tea. "I can't say it was the most peaceful walk I'd ever been on..."

"Let me guess, decided to listen to nature again? Did any of the animals have anything useful to say at least?"

"Not unless you want to join The Cult of the Eyebrows."

"The _what_!"

"Morning!" Naruto grinned as he bounced into the room.

"Oh, good morning Naruto. Sleep well?"

"Sure did!" Gina walked up beside him and hit him upside the head. "Ow!"

"He'd better have after waking me up like that." She griped.

"It's your own fault for teaching him that song." Chided Bradley, as Kotorra served today's breakfast. Naruto poked it with his knife

"What's this?"

"Eggs Benedict." Replied the young cook. "A slice of toast topped with two slices of smoked salmon and a poached egg with a hollandaise sauce on top. Try it."

"Mmm...okay..." he cut off a small bit, stared at it on the end of his fork for a moment, and then popped it into his mouth. He shut his eyes up tight, opened them wide and then swallowed. "It's good!"

"Better than ramen?"

"Well, I wouldn't go that far..."

"Tch, typical dobe." Snorted Sasuke as he entered the kitchen. "Hey, Kotorra, if you ever make something that Naruto likes more than ramen it'd be a miracle."

"I'll consider that a personal challenge, Sasuke." Kotorra smirked.

Tsunade stared evenly at the young ninja standing before her in a deceptively relaxed pose. Jiraiya was on her left, also watching the third person and noting the lack of a certain orange book. Well, he shouldn't be surprised at that, this is a very serious matter.

"Kakashi," Tsunade said. "I called you in to discuss the temporary disbandment of Team 7..."

Reference to the movie This Island Earth (the feature film in MST3K: The Movie).

Aah McArthur Park. That song is ridiculously overdramatic (and at times just ridiculous) but for some reason I like it. I catch myself singing it under my breath sometimes.


	63. Chapter 58

Sorry about the long wait. Updates were delayed due to me being pissed off at the management at the bank I work for. Buncha bastards...

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

"You're splitting up Team 7?" Kakashi was a little perturbed about this, naturally. Here it was he'd finally passed a genin team, a group of kids he'd only just started to get to know, and now they were taking them away from him. He could guess the reasoning behind this decision but he wanted to hear it from the Hokage herself. "Why?"

"As you are already aware," the Godaime explained. "Two of your students have attracted the attention of some very dangerous indivisuals. For their own safety, their teammate's safety, and the safety of this village we cannot allow them to remain together. Splitting them up is the only viable solution we have right now. Sakura and Sasuke will remain under your tutelage however, Naruto will be going with Jiraiya."

"What about missions?"

"Your team will still be allowed to take D-Rank missions on their own, but for anything higher you will be assigned a temporary team member and on some occasions an...assistant."

"Assistant?" this puzzled Kakashi. "What kind of assistant?"

"Well..." Tsunade shot a glance at Jiraiya who shrugged. The Hokage glared at him, sighed and then continued. "Truthfully that part is still a big maybe as we haven't spoken to the other party yet. Put it out of your mind for now."

"Very well." Sighed Kakash. Since the last part was only tentative he would take the Hokage's advice and not think about it any further. "Is there anything else I should know?"

"Yes." Said Jiraiya. "Sasuke's curse seal may be gone but Orochimaru is still very much alive and probably still interested in him. Keep your eyes open for anything remotely suspicious."

"Understood."

"If you have no other questions you are dismissed." Tsunade said.

Once the copy-nin had left the room, and she was fairly certain he was out of earshot, Tsunade let out a loud sigh and sunk into her chair.

"That went well." Jiraiya deadpanned.

"Yes, but that was the easy part. We still have to deal with our three young friends. This is going to be very different from when sensei split them up the first time."

"I still don't think convincing those three will be as difficult as you think. They may not like it, but from what I've seen they like putting other people in danger even less. They're the type that when trouble comes to their door they drag it inside to keep others from getting involved. Anyway, if it's bothering you that much we can put it off until tomorrow."

At that moment, their impending break-up was the last thing on the Kejibi's minds. The restaurant was closed for the day, and Naruto and Sasuke were in their rooms sulking and brooding respectively, so the Kejibi were down in the basement talking to the overly enthusiastic Rillarian brant Hurapath sek Aracor sek Naleth sek Baazulu sek Faruzal XVI, or just Rillarian for short.

After raiding the junk yard for parts, Kotorra managed to convert the junk into a working large-scale communication device and had proceeded to contact Rillarian. The teenagers had time for the moment and they were going to use it to solve their chief complaint; how to communicate with each other over long distances without drawing undue attention to themselves.

"Well now, that is an intriguing little problem." The Takisian hummed after they'd explained their situation. "However, I'm afraid that I don't have a solution that doesn't involve an advanced communication system."

"Well that sucks." Gina pouted. "So we're stuck giving each other headaches for however the hell long we'll be away?"

"It would appear so since you lack the manpower and resources to put the necessary infrastructure in place. It's a pity you aren't Takisian otherwise you could communicate with each other easily while on-planet."

"Oh well, it was worth a shot." Sighed Kotorra.

"Ah, I feel badly for not being able to help. Perhaps there is something else I could assist you with?"

"Why are you being so helpful anyway? It's not like you owe us anything."

"Oh no, quite the contrary! The universe owes your race a bigger debt than you could imagine. After all, no other planet can even boast of defeating _one_ Swarm Mother let alone two! I've seen what's left of planets after a Swarm Mother hand her swarmlings have been through it; there are asteroids that look more hospitable."

While Kotorra still didn't trust the explanation, she couldn't find any reason not to take the Takisian up on his offer at the moment. So she asked if there was any way he could get a functioning neural uplink system and a manifest of all the technological, scientific, political, and social changes that have occurred between the time of their accident and the present day. The Takisian was all too happy to comply and stated he'd have everything she'd requested in a week's time.

"What'd you ask for all that boring stuff for?" Gina asked. "Why didn't you ask for a starship or something cool like that?"

"Because having a starship doesn't do us any good right now." explained Kotorra. "A lot can change in a thousand plus years and I if we ever do decide to go back into space I don't want to be ignorant of what's happening or get arrested for violating some new edict. The Galactic Tribunal seems to carry a lot more weight than it did before, especially since Takis seems to have frequent dealings with them. It could be that Rillarian was asked to contact us since they've dealt with humans before and are the least likely to try and take advantage right away, what with the whole Takis-A debacle."

"And?"

"_And_ I happen to have the schematics for every device classed F – C from our era stored in the back of my mind. Do you really think I can be happy knowing that all of them are probably obsolete now?"

"Ah, say no more."

"So, what's next?" Bradley asked.

"Well, since we know we can't communicate with each other outside of using BorgFish," Kotorra said. "I think it would be best that while we are separated we refrain from using it for silent communication. It's not practical and could prove detrimental to our health. Gina and I will be pretty much stationary so we can use Faust to talk to each other, but Bradley's going to be moving all over the place."

"And we can't risk giving away Naruto's position by Bradley telling us where he is so we can contact him through normal means, how annoying." Gina huffed.

"Very." Bradley agreed. "But what can we do?"

"Well, we can only hope that Jiraiya will be in regular contact with Tsunade-sama and can send us messages that way. After all, it's the least they could do for inconveniencing us." Kotorra said.

"It's an inconvenience that's for our own good though."

"That's what they think. Don't forget, Rillarian mentioned that there are lots of people who want to talk to us. Requesting that those discussions take place off planet isn't an unreasonable request."

"I'll admit to that, but these guys don't know that."

"Meh, point to you then."

The trio continued to talk well into the night fleshing out plans for their inevitable separation. Kotorra, since she would be the only one still in Konoha, would continue to set up their base of operations there while conducting her research into artificially generating chakra. Gina would be responsible for setting up operations in Sunagakure, as well as possibly looking into expanding the restaurant chain to that village. Gina and Kotorra would use Faust to communicate with each other once a week and in the event of emergencies.

Bradley, being the only one who would not consistently be in one place, was to document information about the places he was visiting and map out places of interest to their cause such as mines, ports, and trading posts.

"And if you could, would you mind writing your reports in Universal Standard Language?" Kotorra added. "I want to make sure that if Jiraiya decides to snoop he won't be able to read it. Same goes for you Gina, if it has anything to do with our plans write it in USL."

"Got it." Chorused the others.

Upstairs in their bedrooms, oblivious to what was going on below them, Sasuke and Naruto pondered the fate of their team.

Sasuke, for his part wasn't sure how he should feel. In a way, he was getting what he wanted ever since he learned he was being put on a three-man team: the opportunity to get away from them. Well, that wasn't completely true. He'd still be training with Sakura but Naruto was being sent away to train with one of the sannin. He found himself wondering why it was that Naruto of all people was being afforded the opportunity to train with a legend while he was to remain in the village with a far less impressive tutor. Did it have something to do with that time his brother had come looking for the hyperactive blonde or was it because the Hokage was still suspicious of him and wanted to keep an eye on him? And what about Orochimaru? Was the third sannin still after his body?

Sasuke rolled over onto his stomach and glared at the door. Too many questions, not enough answers.

In his room, Naruto was wondering how long he would be separated from his team. Sure he'd be travelling around with Ero-sennin learning all sorts of cool jutsu, seeing new places, and meeting new people but he'd miss everyone too. Well, maybe not so much Sasuke. The bastard better not be rude to Sakura-chan while he was gone or else.

His thoughts wandered to the people he would miss and whether or not they'd miss him. Iruka-sensei, Tsunade-baasan, Shizune-neechan and Hokage-jiji definitely would. So would Ichiraku-san and Ayame-neesan. Kotorra-neesan, Gina-neesan, and Bradley-san would miss him too though he wasn't sure exactly how much.

"I wonder if anything will change while I'm gone?" Naruto wondered aloud.

_And that does it for this chapter._


	64. Chapter 59

Where the Hell Are We Now!  
By Kaori

They stared at each other for the better part of ten minutes, neither party speaking a word. Then, a heavy sigh broke the oppressive silence irritation winning out over the need to continue the pointless charade.

"So are you going to explain what we're doing here at the ass crack of dawn or can we go home and finish sleeping?" grumbled Gina.

Apparently, Tsunade thought it would be best to speak to the Wild Card trio early in the morning so she couldn't use paperwork or sake as an excuse to delay the issue. However, with the three of them in her office looking decidedly annoyed, she found that she didn't really know how to begin. Gina's rather abrupt outburst snapped her out of it however and she decided it best just to come out and say it.

"The reason I asked you to come here at this ungodly hour is to put forth a proposal."

"What kind of proposal?" prompted Kotorra, masterfully feigning both ignorance and suspicion.

"It mostly concerns your two wards. You are aware that they are both being targeted?"

"Orochimaru and the Akatsuki, oh yeah we're very aware. What of it?"

"We have reason to believe that Orochimaru may come after you as well. We still haven't caught the spy that's been sending him information and we aren't certain whether or not Orochimaru knows that his curse seal has been removed. Jiraiya and I have discussed it with the council and they've agreed to allow Jiraiya to take Naruto out of the village so that reduces the chances of Akatsuki finding him, but that still leaves the dilemma of Orochimaru."

"You're trying to reduce the number of targets you need to look after is that it?"

"That's exactly it." Said Tsunade.

"So just what are you proposing?" Bradley asked. All three teenagers already knew the answer to that but it was essential to keep up the appearance of ignorance.

"We're asking that you accompany Jiraiya and Naruto and that Gina takes refuge in Sunagakure until we can guarantee not just your safety but the safety of this village."

"Hold on, what about Kotorra why isn't she being asked to go anywhere?"

"Because it's easier to protect her this way. Sunagakure doesn't have the necessary manpower to fend off Orochimaru _and_ the Akatsuki and neither do I. Tsunade may not believe Orochimaru doesn't know about his seal being broken but I don't have that kind of faith." Jiraiya replied. "While I don't think he knows who is responsible it's only a matter of time before he either figures it out or his spies do."

"He has already managed to get some information about you three through his spies." Tsunade added causing the wild cards to simultaneously curse (in three different languages no less). "Orochimaru may be out of his mind but he isn't stupid. If he does know his curse on Sasuke has been lifted chances are he will start narrowing down the possibilities until he finds the person or persons responsible." Tusnade glanced out the window. "As Hokage I have a duty to protect this village and all the people in it; that also includes you three. Unfortunately, since you're not shinobi I can't order you to safer locations which is why I am asking two of you to go willingly."

"And what if we said no?" Gina asked, just for the hell of it.

"Then I'd have no other choice but to either have you all incarcerated until this whole thing blows over, or forcibly remove you from the village where you'd no longer be our problem."

"Wow, good thing we aren't going to say no then."

The details were hashed out over breakfast which the Hokage was kind enough to have served in her office. The Kejibi agreed to being split up however Bradley had to be allowed to send letters to Kotorra and Gina every month. Bradley, of course, wouldn't be able to write back so any letters to him would have to be sent with Tsunade's communiqués to Jiraiya. Of course, Tsunade and Jiraya were against this because even though the reports Jiraiya sent back to Konoha would be encoded, the same couldn't be done to the personal letters so Bradley's letters couldn't include any references to the places he'd been to or what he'd seen along the way.

Kotorra simply asked for a sheet of paper and a pen. She wrote a few sentences on the page before handing it over to Tsunade and saying, "Read that." Immediately after looking at the paper, Tsunade had to admit (begrudgingly) that she couldn't and conceded to the Kejibi's demands. After Bradley and Gina proved that they could indeed read what was written there were no further objections to the Kejibi's request.

Naruto and Bradley would be leaving Konoha in two weeks, Temari and Kankuro would be coming to Konoha the week after that so Gina would leave when they did. Kotorra was secretly glad of this as she was worried her friends would have to leave without any "parting gifts".

"There is just one more thing." Tsunade said, pouring herself another cup of tea. "Team Seven is going to be short a member so we were wondering if you wouldn't mind filling in for Naruto, Kotorra."

"Um, no offense but how the hell am I supposed to do that?" deadpanned Kotorra. "I make deals, I don't kill."

"That's fine. Most of the missions you'll be sent on will be purely diplomatic."

"And the rest?"

"The usual D-Ranks."

"Screw that, they can do chores without me."

For the next half hour the Hokage argued with Kotorra about doing D-Rank missions with the remaining two members of Team 7. The teenager adamantly refused as she had a business to run and stated that she was far too old and experienced to be doing children's errands. Eventually, she was convinced when Tsunade pointed out that she wouldn't be required to actually do any of the work (not being a ninja and all), she just had to go with them.

Breakfast was over soon after that and the Wild Cards were allowed to take their leave.

A week passed and, as promised, Rillarian contacted them to proudly announce that he had the items they'd asked for in addition to a singularity shifter.

"Wow, this is way smaller than the model we had." marvelled Kotorra over the communicator.

"I thought you'd be impressed. Your organization is to thank for the size. It's a combination of the original Embe technology with Zeephid techniques; an excellent way of reducing mass without sacrificing any of the power." Rillarian beamed turning what looked like large, black marble. "I managed to procure six of these for you!"

"Wow how generous!" grinned Gina, recalling her all too short adventure with a singularity shifter and imagining the sort of havoc she could wreak with this one. "But...er...how are you going to get the stuff to us?"

"Well, I was hoping you'd give me permission to come down and give it to you personally."

The teenagers looked at each other in alarm. If anybody else saw him it would bring up a whole lot of questions that they weren't ready to answer just yet if at all. There was also the problem of how he was going to avoid being seen on the way down. Only Takisian warships have cloaking capabilities for one thing and it was broad daylight outside.

"Rillarian," Bradley asked after a moment. "this may seem like a silly question but your ship doesn't happen to have a teleportation device of some sort does it?"

"Ah, no. I'm actually travelling in a small cruiser; my servants are back with the main vessel, in geosynchronous orbit with the sixth planet."

"Damn. Having you teleport down here would be a lot easier to get away with. We'd need somewhere you can land where you won't be noticed and that's impossible given our situation."

"Oh." The Takisian pouted, looking for all the world like a child who didn't get what he wanted for Christmas. "I suppose I _could_ come back in the cruiser in about an hour..."

"I think that would be best." Kotorra deadpanned.

"...but you'd have to at least allow me to meet with you in person."

Again the Wild Cards looked at each other.

"Pleaaaase?" begged Rillarian, if you asked Gina later you'd swear he had tears in his eyes.

"Fine." Sighed Kotorra. She would live to regret that decision.

True to his word, Rillarian returned in exactly one hour, right down to the very second. The teenage trio were playing cards when the Takisian appeared in their living room clutching a box about the size of a twenty-inch television.

He was dressed in clothes that were more suited to an Elizabethan noble, especially the rather large ruff and ridiculously colourful doublet. His long, metallic purple hair was curled in typical Elizabethan fashion, and he sported a pointed beard. If it weren't for the fact that the rapier on his belt had a blade capable of conducting teke, he'd be all set for the Renaissance Faire.

"Goodness, you three looked a bit taller on the screen." Blinked Rillarian.

"That's the best line you could come up with?" Gina rolled her eyes. "I thought all Takisians were supposed to be insufferably witty?"

"Do you even know what insufferable means?" Bradley asked dryly, Gina kicked him.

"Ignoring the peanut gallery," Kotorra said. "I take it our things are in that box you're holding." Rillarian beamed at her, and didn't stop smiling even after he'd handed the box over. Kotorra's eyes narrowed. "Whaaaaaaat?"

"Well..." fidgeted the purple-haired man, causing the trio to twitch simultaneously. There was just something innately wrong with a grown man fidgeting like a nervous schoolgirl.

Twenty minutes later...

"Oh my word, this is exquisite!" burbled Rillarian around a mouthful of pocky.

Somehow, the alien had managed to talk the Wild Cards into giving him a tour of the village before he left and it was forcing them to re-evaluate their opinions of Takisians.

...every five minutes.

It was a basic rule of the universe; birds fly, fish swim, Naruto's a ramen whore, and Takisians are hoity-toity aristocrats. Rillarian was obliterating that perception by acting like a silly tourist.

"_Rillarian_," hissed Kotorra for the umpteenth time. "would you _please_ try to control yourself! You're attracting too much attention." The subject of her ire either didn't hear her or was doing a damn good job of ignoring her as he suddenly veered left.

"Oooh! I'd like to try that next!" he pointed towards a stand which, much to the Wild Cards' dismay, just happened to be Ichiraku Ramen and Team 7 just happened to be there having lunch. "Oh please! I promise this is the last place!" The three teens shared a collective groan before following him to the ramen stand.

Kakashi was the first to notice them.

"Well hello there." The jounin waved as the quartet took their seats. "I see you've brought a friend with you." The stranger was covered head to toe in a cloak but his facial features could be plainly seen. While the face was nothing out of the ordinary, his eyes were yellow. Kakashi didn't think too much of that; after all Kurenai's eyes were ruby red and the Hyuugas have no pupils so who was he to say anything.

"I wouldn't exactly call him a friend." Murmured Gina, acidly. Bradley elbowed her.

"She means to say we haven't known each other long enough to be calling him a friend." Bradley covered. "His name's Rillarian and he's a...tourist." At the mention of his name, Rillarian said something in a cheerful tone that none of the Konoha residents understood. "He said 'Hello they call me Rillarian, your home is very beautiful.'"

"You understood that?" Sakura said. Bradley tapped behind his ear. "Oh, right translators. I keep forgetting you don't actually speak our language... Hey, Naruto did you understand any of that?"

"Not a word." Said Naruto.

"Whatever happened to your translation jutsu?" Sasuke asked.

"Err..."

"Why would he be using a translation jutsu in his own village?" Kotorra quickly countered. Sasuke frowned.

{Which one of these would you recommend?} Rillarian piped up, causing Sasuke to miss his chance at rebuttal. {It all sounds so good but I can't decide!}

{I don't know I'm not really that into ramen, I usually only order the pork ramen.} Kotorra shrugged at him. {Do you prefer meat or vegetables?}

{I'd prefer something with meat. By chance do they have a meat that tastes similar to kevechlik?}

{I've never had kevechlik, what's that taste like?}

While the two were talking, Kakashi was trying to place the language and coming up with a blank. "Where did he say he was from?" he asked.

"Some country on the other side of the ocean." Gina lied. "Hey, Teuchi-san, what happened to the shrimp ramen?"

"Shrimp went bad two days ago and my order hasn't come in yet." The old ramen cook said. "But we did get some crab in the other day."

"Awesome, I'll have the crab ramen."

"Beef for me, please." Said Bradley.

Kakashi, realizing he wasn't going to get anywhere with those two, decided instead to keep his eyes on Rillarian who seemed to have decided what he wanted to eat.

"Okay, I'll have the pork ramen and my friend here says he wants a bowl of chicken ramen with extra naruto." Kotorra said.

"Coming right up!" Teuchi said.

When the food came, everyone waited to see what the strangers reaction would be. He was a little put-off by the chopsticks but once Naruto enthusiastically showed him how to use them, he tentatively brought the noodles and a piece of a fish cake to his mouth. He chewed once, twice, swallowed and then picked up the bowl and started swallowing. He didn't put it down until it was completely empty.

{THAT WAS QUITE POSSIBLY THE MOST AMAZING THING I EVER TASTED! QUICK! ORDER ME ANOTHER ONE! A DIFFERENT FLAVOUR THIS TIME!}

Nobody needed the Wild Cards to translate the gist of that statement.

Once Rillarian had sampled every flavour of ramen at Ichiraku's, and thus set the Wild Cards back a few hundred ryou, they now had the unfortunate problem of ditching Kakashi and Naruto who had decided to follow them; Naruto out of solidarity for a fellow ramen lover, and Kakashi because his something-ain't-right detector was buzzing. Rillarian was more interested in picking up souvenirs for the trip back to Takis.

Naruto eventually got pulled away by the Konohamaru Corps but Kakashi stayed with the Wild Cards up until they went back to their house.

"All right, I think this has gone on long enough." Said Kakashi. "Who is this person?"

"We already told you." Gina huffed. "He's just a tourist."

"If he's just a tourist I'm just a teacher." The jounin glared. "If you won't tell me who he is I'm going to have to call the ANBU and then you'll have to deal with the Hokage."

"Fine, he's a space alien."

"This is not the time to be making bad jokes."

"Who said I was joking?"

And before Kakashi could begin to warn her of how serious of a situation she was in. Rillarian simply disappeared. Kakashi immediately lifted his headband, revealing the sharingan.

"Where did he go?" he demanded, grabbing the girl by the arm. "WHERE did he go? ANSWER ME!" Gina didn't answer him but he suddenly felt very sleepy. "What's...." and he hit the floor.

"Well, I hope you're pleased with yourself." Kotorra said acidly at Rillarian after nudging Kakashi with her foot to make sure he was out cold.

"I'm sorry but it's not every day I get to visit other planets." Rillarian murmured.

"Gee I wonder why..." grumbled Gina.

"You needn't worry," the Takisian said. "I can alter his memory so that whatever suspicious thoughts he had won't surface."

"See that you do." Bradley nodded. "We really can't afford the trouble this would cause if this were brought to the village leader's attention. We're not prepared to explain alien civilizations and space travel to a group of people who have yet to discover aerodynamics properly."

"Of course, I'm sorry." Rillarian looked thoroughly apologetic. He bent down to place his hand on Kakashi's head and paused. "Er...but if you don't mind, might I get the recipe for that delicious ramen dish?" Three glares were his response.

_A/N: Yes this chapter was longer than usual but I needed to fit all that stuff in here. Rillarian's visit was only supposed to be long enough to make his delivery but somehow he managed to take up a significant portion of the story. Of course, if any of you would like to see Rillarian again, just let me know in your review. Next chapter has everyone saying their goodbyes and marks the end of this part of the saga. For real this time._


	65. Chapter 60

This is it. The final chapter in this arc. Aah, will it be okay? I hope so, I can't bear for anyone to hate it now...

Where the Hell Are We Now!

By Kaori

The days leading up to the imminent departure seemed to pass by in a blur of noise and colours blending into the usual day-to-day affairs; like running the restaurant, needling Sasuke, playing matchmaker, and giving Tsunade a hard time. All too quickly the final night came and it was time to say farewell to Naruto and Bradley.

It would be one of the most memorable send-offs in the blonde-haired jinchuuriki's, if not the entire village of Konohagakure's, lifetime.

Kejibi Mochikaeri was doing all the catering of course; Kotorra not only wanted to keep this gathering between friends but also an opportunity to put her new cooks to the test as this would be the first time they would be cooking without her interference. If they could pass muster here, she'd be able to focus more on running the business and her side projects instead of running around the kitchen.

The party was being held on the roof of the Kejibi's home giving everyone a gorgeous view of the starry night sky. The overhanging trees were draped with streamers and hanging lanterns cast a twinkling, merry light over the festivities.

Everyone appeared to be having a wonderful time, laughing and chatting loudly with each other.

Kiba, Akamaru and Gina sang inane songs on top of one of the tables (well Gina and Akamaru attempted to sing) while Naruto and Konohamaru booed and threw things at them. Even Sasuke cracked a smile (albeit briefly) when the crooning trio tried to drag Neji up there with them and Lee tried to help.

Chouji would not stop singing the praises of the cooks going so far as to say that the restaurant ought to be a place of worship.

"Chouji," Shikamaru said. "you think all restaurants should be a place of worship."

"That's not true, only the really good ones!"

"Either way, does this mean I can finally declare myself a High Priestess?" drawled Kotorra, eliciting chuckles from those gathered around. She glanced at her watch and then looked at the sky. "Oh, it's about that time...Um attention everyone! May I have your attention for a few moments, please? Gina! Kiba! Akamaru! Enough already! You've abused our eardrums enough for the evening!"

"It'll never be enough!" cried (barked) the accused, eliciting another round of laughter.

"Just shut up already!" Kotorra shook her fist at them in mock-rage. Once the giggling stopped she continued. "We're here tonight to bid a fond farewell to our pals Uzumaki Naruto and Bradley Davis as they're going to be leaving us tomorrow. So since we want to send them off with more than just love and good wishes, we'd like to present them with a few parting gifts. Naruto gets to go first."

Naruto was a bit too overwhelmed by emotion to move right away, so Gina grabbed him by the back of his jacket and half-dragged him to the table where all the gifts were set.

From Iruka and Kakashi, he received a new set of kunai and shuriken. Well, truth be told they were really from Iruka; Kakashi had actually gotten him some hentai manga but then remembered who the boy was going to be travelling with and kept the manga for himself.

Gai, and Lee by extension, gave him seven unitards (which Bradley promised to burn for the good of humanity), TenTen gave him a whetstone to sharpen his kunai with, and Neji gifted him with a winter jacket.

"It's kinda big, isn't it?" blinked Naruto, as he waved the sleeves around comically.

"You'll grow." Neji said.

"Doubt it." Chorused Ino and Kiba.

"I will too!" Naruto said, shaking a sleeve at them angrily.

"Ignore them, open your presents." soothed Kotorra, handing him a small box. "This one's from Gina."

Placated for now, Naruto tore open his gift, eagerly lifting out the contents: a small porcelain fox charm on a red, silk string. It looked like it was about to pounce on something, and its tiny eyes seemed to sparkle with mischief.

"Gina-neechan, where did you get this?" Naruto asked, awed.

"What do you mean "get"? I'll have you know I _made_ that!" Gina said, haughtily. "I even went to the trouble of doing it the hard way! No easy feat let me tell you!" Everyone was rather impressed as the piece was only about two inches long and held incredible detail. You could even see the individual whiskers.

The next gift that was opened was from Sasuke; it was a dictionary. The Uchiha earned himself a dirty look from the blonde for his trouble. Naruto was more pleased with the gift he got from Chouji and Shikamaru: a book of ramen recipes.

"I will treasure this forever-ttebayo!"

"Whatever, open ours next Naruto!" yelled Kiba, Akamaru barking from his jacket. The blonde obliged, pulling out what appeared to be a bandolier. However, instead of slots for bullets, there were scroll and kunai holders.

Hinata's gift was a box of tinctures, elixirs, and bandages. Shino got him a sewing kit.

"You have a tendency to rip your clothes." The quiet boy explained.

Ino's gift was the next to be opened: a new backpack. Immediately following that was Sakura's gift; the blonde eagerly ripped open the box but took great care in pulling out the contents.

"A handmade friendship bracelet! How cute!" leered Gina, causing Sakura's face to match her hair.

"Thanks Sakura-chan!" beamed Naruto, hurriedly placing it on his wrist. "I promise I won't take it off until I come home!"

"Here Naruto, use it in good health and clear conscience." Kotorra said, handing him something that caused Jiraiya to pale; a Smiter.

"Why did you give him that!" wailed the sennin.

"Mostly to watch you squirm." She gave one of her infamous sharkish leers.

The final present came from Tsunade in the form of a silver chain for the Shodai's pendant.

Then it was Bradley's turn to receive gifts.

While he didn't get as many as Naruto, he did manage to get one from Sasuke that wasn't a veiled insult: a new pair of boots. Bradley had been going barefoot ever since they'd left Suna and had never gotten around to being fitted for shoes.

"Man, that has got to be the nicest thing he's ever done for...anyone. Ever." Kiba commented.

"Well, now I wouldn't say that..." muttered Gina, having heard the story of the Wave mission from Naruto. "Asshat has his moments, rare though they are."

"Thanks a bunch man." Bradley said to the Uchiha. Sasuke shrugged off the compliment. Kotorra and Gina wished they hadn't taken his BorgFish off so they could "hear" what the broody avenger was thinking.

"Now that we're done with the presents," Kotorra announced. "please direct your eyes to the skies as the show is about to begin!"

An almost blindingly bright flash above them drew everyone's attention immediately to the sky. When it dimmed, shooting stars in a myriad of colours streaked across the sky awing the Konoha ninja and eliciting wistful smiles from the Wild Cards.

"It's amazing!" gasped Hinata. "I've never seen so many shooting stars before!"

"And never in so many colours." Tsunade added, then glanced at the Wild Cards. What she was seeing was impossible, the kind of impossible that seemed to be the Kejibi's calling card. They only grinned at her before pointing back up towards the sky.

The shooting stars were now forming patterns: the Konoha insignia, a dog, a fox, birds flying in formation, what could only be a bowl of ramen, and finally a written message.

"What does that say?" Lee asked what all the ninja were thinking. Unfortunately the Kejibi were laughing too hard to answer.

High in the sky, written in Universal Standard were the words: Eat at Ichiraku's.

Morning came and the remaining members of Team 7, Tsunade and Iruka gathered at the gate to see Naruto, Jiraiya and Bradley off.

"If Bradley or Naruto come back perverts I'll hang you by your balls from the Hokage Tower with your own hair." Kotorra glared at the toad hermit.

"Eh heh heh...I'm certain that won't be necessary..." Jiraiya chuckled nervously. Tsunade put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

"See that it won't be Jiraiya or I'll let her."

"And I'll help." Iruka added. Jiraiya gave a nervous squeak.

"Be safe Naruto." Gina said, pulling the blonde into a hug. Naruto returned it.

"You too Gina-neesan. Say hello to Gaara for me when you get to Suna."

"Oh you know I will."

"Man, I'm gonna miss everyone." Sighed Bradley, before turning to Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi. "I'm counting on you to take care of my friend."

"And we expect you to do the same with ours." Kakashi nodded. Bradley smiled at him.

With a jaunty wave and wide grins, the trio turned to leave the village. Naruto suddenly stopped.

"When I come back," he said grinning. "you'd better be ready 'cause I'm gonna be even stronger than you Sasuke!"

"Heh, not in a thousand years dobe!" Sasuke smirked back. "And when you come back I'll prove it to you."

Before Naruto could retort, Jiraiya pulled him into a headlock. "Stop trying to act cool and come on. We're wasting daylight." The short blonde yelled and protested as he was literally hauled like a sack of potatoes.

"It's not going to be the same around here with him away." Iruka said quietly.

"No." Tsunade agreed. "But, let's think of it as a three year lull before the hurricane comes back."

_**-Tsudzuku-**_

_To be continued._


End file.
